I
forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the
consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of
them were slightly off:
Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some
innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too
vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.
The Bengals and Cowboys are very evenly matched. Potent offense,
questionable defense, superstar wide receivers, they are even tied on
felonies with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones going against one another.
But wait, the Bengals went out and got a leg up on criminality by
acquiring Cedric Benson...They are going to take this thing.
The Happening: Now on DVD in a director's cut edition much less #### than the one you saw in theatres!
New York Giants- Is there any team more overrated than this one? These guys kind of suck, am I the only one who sees it?
Sage Rosenfels is a great backup quarterback because he plays
mistake free football, look for no falloff with him taking over for
Matt Schaub.
Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.
The contest between Ravens and Titans should be an exciting one.
These are two offenses waiting to bust out, look for an offensive
shootout in Baltimore.
Now that Matt Millen is out as the GM of the Lions, Detroit can finally play some quality football.
Once you get up on the Redskins, they really lack the offense to be able to come back.
That Bud Light girl can freeze my time whenever she wants...
Well, I know it's a bit early, but I've been so impressed with the
undefeated Buffalo Bills that I've already booked nonrefundable airfare
and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!
Kansas City kind of sucks, but they have to score some points at
some point this season. Maybe a safety? 2 points. They have to get at
least 2 points.
A lot of people wonder just what exactly is in the state of
Montana. Apparently it is comprised entirely of giant desert car
testing facilities, because they have to put all those somewhere, and
I've never seen one in a real state.
The Brian Griese ex-team reunion tour continues as he is sure to pick apart a very bad Denver defense.
Matt Cassel and Randy Moss just don't have the same chemisty that
he and Brady used to have. Very sad they won't be lighting up the stat
sheet anymore...
(On a side Sage Rosenfels note: Back when he played for Miami he used
to offer himself for parties. You could pay and have the Dolphins third
string quarterback come to your party where he would schmooze with your
guests and tell them exciting stories about how he once said hello to
AJ Feeley in the locker room. I can only imagine how much people would
pay in Houton to get ahold of him tonight...)
I
forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the
consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of
them were slightly off:
Sorry Washington, there is no way you are beating America's football analyst bandwagon team.
Ha ha Jets! You guys get stuck with Brett Favre, who's so old he
just can't keep it up for an entire game. I bet by the second quarter
he's already gassed. You guys only wish you had Aaron Rodgers, someone
so durable and so accurate.
Remember when Larry Johnson was actually good? Even the horrid Denver defense is going to be able to shut him down.
Seriously, what's with the lamp? You can only buy 99.9% of the
official Steelers team merchandise released?! You sir, are not a fan.
The Chargers have looked decent in recent weeks, but I just don't
think they have an explosive enough offense to rally in the 4th quarter.
It will be a tough task for the Rams stadium announcing crew to
keep from laughing out loud when they announce Trent Green as their
starting quarterback. It will be an even tougher task to keep them from
offing themselves later in the season after watching a few more games
of this team.
Frank Caliendo's Dish Network commercials, just as hilarious as his
TBS show featuring sketches with an astounding 8 impersonations, 4 of
which are John Madden. A show so funny even TBS said it wasn't good
enough to stay on their air.
The Titans undefeated streak will end this week when they run into the unstoppable force that is Gus Frerotte.
With Carson Palmer out with a last-minute injury, the Bengals hand
the reigns over to Ryan Fitzpatrick from Harvard. At least with a guy
that smart, they won't be making too many costly mistakes...
Come on Jacksonville, have an exciting close game for once!
Thank you Coors Light, finally a beer bottle that turns blue to
tell us when it's cold, it was way too hard to tell by touching it with
our hands.
This is a joke column we run weekly here at TSC and on
CBSSports.com. Some people however fail to realize that it is in fact a
joke, so to check out the hilarious responses check out THIS and THIS.
ESPN
reporters showed up at Green Bay Packers camp today in anticipation of
recording Favre's first day on the field, only to discover that there
were football players there who were not Brett Favre. John
Clayton interrupted live programming on ESPN's Monday Night Favredown
to announce that new football players had indeed been discovered.
Apparently these other players also are part of the NFL, and play
positions as equally important to victory as quarterback. The crew of
Favredown had many questions for Clayton such as which of them he
thinks will end up being the second string Favre, how many of them look
like that can "gunsling", and how does a strong safety work? They were
almost ready to accept that players aside from Favre existed in the
world, but then Clayton told them about 3 players who were there
playing as something called a "tight end".
The crew then
laughed heartily and ridiculed Clayton, with Shannon Sharpe saying that
"obviously a tight end is another one of the homosexual fantasy
creatures you draw in your reporter's notepad and show me in the
office. I still remember the Dickicorn you showed me last week, despite
my telling you every damn time that I don't want to see or hear about
them."
While Clayton was cut off from the broadcast, Chris
Mortensen appeared live from that room he sits in with all the phones
to tell the crew he just got off a call where an unnamed source told
him there may be as many as 31 other teams out there in the world. The
crew asked just what this would mean for the future, and Mortensen told
of a world where the top story on Sportscenter would be not about
Favre, but about another team and person. This discovery could mean a
show completely devoid of Favrian updates, and they may even be able to
replace the "Favre" position on the score ticker with one that simply
says "NFL".
Even more strange was a report by Mortensen that
some sort of exhibition game had been played already. The only news
organization said to have covered the event was a high school newspaper
in Canton, whose teacher made them attend, where they only kind of paid
attention while listening to radio updates on Favre's flight from
Mississippi to Wisconsin. Therefore information was sketchy, but it's
believed to have taken place between a team of horses and one full of
sunburned individuals. Other news from their paper included that
Kristine was spotted at the movies with Jason and next Wednesday's
lunch special is salisbury steak.
The news of other teams and
players has completely shaken up the ESPN offices. They even woke up
draft guru Mel Kiper, who has been asleep since 1991, the year Favre
was the only player taken in the NFL draft. "Things are crazy around
here right now," he said. "I'm trying to piece things together, but
apparently we've been covering this guy so long we had forgotten about
everything else! I also learned I have 3 children at home! I didn't
even remember them! This is so exciting!" More information on these
developments as they happen.
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
Miami Dolphins: According
to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing
formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or
not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week. F for Fancy
Minnesota Vikings:
They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John
David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls,
having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10
phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad. D for Dum Dums
New England Patriots: They
got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of
their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the
third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at
that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won
3 or 4 Super Bowls by now. W for We All Hate You Patriots
New Orleans Saints: They
drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The
Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just
how it's actually done. H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
New York Giants:
They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third
round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive
powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers.
Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop
him now. Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
New York Jets: Well,
at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can
really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the
word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in
a retarded middle-aged spelling bee. T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
Philadelphia Eagles:
They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row,
but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some
players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's
Big Board. T for Take That You Permed ####
Pittsburgh Steelers: The
Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything
like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make
some awesome chocolate. S for Swedish Chocolate
St. Louis Rams: They
picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it
has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as
fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL
Sunday. They can only hope. R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
San Francisco 49ers:
None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco
49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into
picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as
soon as he realized the ruse. C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years. H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl
MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them
back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were
represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth. P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
Tennessee Titans: Well,
they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback?
Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally
gets open Vince. Good luck. B for Boobs
Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done. M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
Daniel
Snyder announced over the weekend that his Washington Redskins were
going to be moving in a new direction. Long he had sought to conquer
the NFL and win a championship through experienced coaches and
high-priced free agent acquisitions. But then he had an epiphiny. Who
better to conquer the world of football than his very own supervillian?
That villian was none other than famed nemesis The Zorn.
He was
introduced early Monday to the public at a press conference at Redskins
world headquarters. "Sure, you can win a championship through hard work
and preparation," said Snyder at the podium. "But wouldn't it be a lot
easier, and a lot more fun, to get the trophy through other means? What
if we ransomed the world under threat of nuclear destruction for a
Vince Lombardi Trophy? What if we shrunk all the other teams with a
large minification ray? I present to the city of Washington and the
world, the man who can make all this happen. I present to you, The
Dreaded Zorn!"
The Zorn then came out among a series of boo's of
unknown origin, as no one in attendance had heard of him before.
"Greetings, people of earth," said The Zorn. "I am here to coach what I
am told is called a football team. I don't have much interest in sports
or games, but I'm told if I do well I can get these golden footballs
presented before me. I am very interested in gold...and chaos...and
all-around destruction of society. But gold will do."
"I am told
that my henchmen will all be wearing identical maroon uniforms, and
their job will be to tackle and hit the other team as hard as they can.
This pleases The Zorn. It is very tough to find good henchmen these
days. Many of them are non english speaking, or they want health
benefits. The Zorn does not provide dental coverage."
'You may
remember my work from the 1994 crisis where I attempted to solicit $3
billion dollars from the world's governments by threatening to turn the
oceans into Crystal Pepsi. How was I to know that it would be such a
commercial failure? The Zorn is not all-knowing. But I do know one
thing, the NFL has seen nothing like I am about to unleash upon it!
Fear The Zorn and his army! All who stand in our wake shall be
destroyed...unless they are the Patriots, in which case we will
probably lose by 50 points again. The gold and a championship will be
mine! Ahahaha!"
At this point in the press conference The Zorn
threw something at the ground which exploded and released a cloud of
smoke. When it cleared the podium was empty. The crowd looked at each
other amazed, but then Zorn popped back up from behind the stand.
"We're going to need to install a trap door or something so that works
next time."
The
Washington Redskins improbable season had come full-circle. After
losing their starting safety Sean Taylor to a tragic shooting in his
home, they had been on a tear to make the playoffs. Getting in and
facing the Seahawks was no easy task, but despite trailing 13-0 early,
they pushed and came back to take a 14-13 lead in the 4th quarter. It
would be the perfect ending to a perfect run for the feel-good story of
the year.
But then, inexplicably, the Seahawks scored a
touchdown, then a field goal, then another touchdown. Before the
Redskins knew it, it was a 35-14 bludgeoning. At some point during the
meltdown, Joe Gibbs ran out from behind his camera to shout "What are
you guys doing? This isn't in the script!" When asked about the game
Gibbs was sullen, "I wrote this epic masterpiece about a death
challenging a mediocre team to come together and gel into a champion.
But the Seahawks obviously did not get the pages I sent them last week.
They have completely messed everything up. We still had 30 pages of
script to go! How are we going to win the Super Bowl now?! I also had a
scene where the team battled a dragon and where all 42 men on the
active roster fall in love with Taylor's widow. It was to be a
heart-warming ending to our tale, that defied the logic of 42 men and
one woman. The love scene alone could have won us a cinematography
award. But none of that is going to be happening now!"
"It was my
bad," said Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren. "I didn't see the latest
script sitting in a box at my front door Friday, so I told the boys to
just go out there and play. In the latest version of the script I had,
we find out that all the Redskins are actually dead and ghosts, and we
are all trapped in some kind of matrix controlled by machine overlords.
I kept waiting for that to happen, as it sounded very interesting, but
it never did. I guess he changed the ending to this standard team
overcomes adversity plot. Oops..."
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
The
head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet
another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
Unfrozen
from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins
from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in
the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
Why
does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to
us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a
telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some
reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't
doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's
gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that
back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
Obviously
with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a
great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a
quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
Alright
Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want
it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole
lot less hilarious.
Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly
beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises
everyone by showing he's not retired.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
The
Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998,
although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record
is better.
People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one
group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large.
For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of
National Treasure 2.
In
a brutal attack upon the very foundation of America, FedEx Field on
Thursday night was the site of two quarterbacks being struck down by
their oldest nemesis, ninjas. Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins QB,
and Rex Grossman, QB for the Bears, both fell with knee injuries early
in the game last night. The culprits responsible for the gruesome
injuries are still at large, but they are believed to be ninjas, sworn
enemies of quarterbacks.
Many fans and even the announcers did
not acknowledge the attacks for what they obviously were, a blatant
revenge strike for the famous Hayagoshi Temple invasion of last year.
It was during that invasion of the Ninja's sacred home where Tom Brady
and Brett Favre led an all-out assault on the complex. Carrying
explosive footballs and wearing helmets made of steel, the QB force was
able to plant the bombs at the base of the building and bring it down
in a pile of rubble. Many bodies were found at the scene, some with
football sized holes through their torsos. One ninja was found alive,
burned and barely breathing. He vowed the ninjas would have vengeance
upon the house of quarterbacks some time in the future.
The
attack on Thursday night was carried out with great secrecy as the
ninjas slipped in, took out the knees, and then slipped out without
ever being seen. Jason Campbell's knee was taken out with a well-placed
ninja star, which has to be removed there on the field with much
visible pain. It's unknown what was used to injure Grossman, but a pair
of nunchucks were found near a concession stand some time later that
night. It's strange that the broadcasters did not catch on to the
attack, as they have slow motion cameras which could have been used to
get a glimpse of the ninjas.
The QB-Ninja fued is one of the
oldest in the history of the world. For hundreds of years they have
warred with each other in fuedal Japan, fighting over lands and
principles. For many years the ninjas held the upper hand, such as the
Battle of Okinawa, where an estimated 4000 quarterbacks were killed by
the superior ninja forces. Ninjas were always much better with swords
and close combat. But due to the advent of the football some 100 years
ago, the quarterbacks have been able to win most encounters due to the
long range nature of the ball.
The conflict is obviously nowhere near finished, and a warrant is out for the arrest of the ninjas.
Despite
being perhaps the most obvious call in the history of officiating,
Bernard Berrian still demands his coach challenge the out-of-bounds
ruling. One does not argue with Bernard Berrian.
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
I
picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an
NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
Is
there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a
really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear
Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have
their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience
likes.
I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
That
commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right
about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite
possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!
Even
Mother Nature couldn't will the Miami Dolphins to a win Monday night,
although she did try to help her favorite NFL team. Rain, rain, and
more rain was heaped upon the field before the game, leaving the grass
resembling more a lake than anything else. She has been watching the
Dolphins flounder all season, and thought the only way perhaps to help
them was to flood the field. "They are the Dolphins, they should be
able to play a better game under water. The Steelers? What do they even
do, process steel? There is no way they are going to be able to beat
Miami in their own element. I've been saving up rain from the southern
California area for months, and I'm gonna unleash it on those damn
Steelers," said an angry Mother Nature before the game.
But even
her ingenious plan was not enough. Although it did slow down the
Steelers, the Dolphins played offensively about how they usually do,
which resulted in 0 points and 2 more injuries to their running backs,
including the returning Ricky Williams. When you sustain more injuries
in a game than score points, things are going pretty bad for your team.
Mother Nature was irate after the game, "How did we blow this one?! I
kept them scoreless for 59 minutes and 43 seconds, and they still
couldn't win?! I give up! I'm going to just become a Patriots fan like
everybody else! But first, I'm going to go monsoon Thailand in
retribution."
Jeff Reed's 24-yard field goal with 17 seconds
left Monday night gave Pittsburgh a 3-0 victory against winless Miami,
the first time in 64 years an NFL game went that long without any
points. It was the league's lowest-scoring game since Dec. 11, 1993,
when the New York Jets beat Washington 3-0.
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
The
trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary,
almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves
losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be
very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
The David Carr era
begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I
think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
If the NFL were a
carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the
Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The
San Diego Chargers.
How many commercials must there be of
enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you
test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a
laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an
entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
Tom
Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with
his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this
year than last.
Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been
able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god
that line is back.
There are a lot of ads for anti-balding
products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does
not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
First
place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at
their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play
in the AFC West.
Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
Maurice
Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10
yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
What was the
first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD
and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately
after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their
desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20
years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history
teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line
is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)
Welcome to The Sports Comedian: The Worldwide Leader In Sports Satire! We wheel and deal in the very best fake comedy news. As a warning, all our stories are fake. The quotes, people, and places mentioned probably aren't real. The articles might be based on real events, but it's all just funny nonsense.
So join The Sports Comedian crew as we bring you the wild world of sports with a humorous touch. Also, check out our official site at
I
forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the
consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of
them were slightly off:
I
forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the
consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of
them were slightly off:
ESPN
reporters showed up at Green Bay Packers camp today in anticipation of
recording Favre's first day on the field, only to discover that there
were football players there who were not Brett Favre. John
Clayton interrupted live programming on ESPN's Monday Night Favredown
to announce that new football players had indeed been discovered.
Apparently these other players also are part of the NFL, and play
positions as equally important to victory as quarterback. The crew of
Favredown had many questions for Clayton such as which of them he
thinks will end up being the second string Favre, how many of them look
like that can "gunsling", and how does a strong safety work? They were
almost ready to accept that players aside from Favre existed in the
world, but then Clayton told them about 3 players who were there
playing as something called a "tight end".
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
Daniel
Snyder announced over the weekend that his Washington Redskins were
going to be moving in a new direction. Long he had sought to conquer
the NFL and win a championship through experienced coaches and
high-priced free agent acquisitions. But then he had an epiphiny. Who
better to conquer the world of football than his very own supervillian?
That villian was none other than famed nemesis The Zorn.
The
Washington Redskins improbable season had come full-circle. After
losing their starting safety Sean Taylor to a tragic shooting in his
home, they had been on a tear to make the playoffs. Getting in and
facing the Seahawks was no easy task, but despite trailing 13-0 early,
they pushed and came back to take a 14-13 lead in the 4th quarter. It
would be the perfect ending to a perfect run for the feel-good story of
the year.
In
a brutal attack upon the very foundation of America, FedEx Field on
Thursday night was the site of two quarterbacks being struck down by
their oldest nemesis, ninjas. Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins QB,
and Rex Grossman, QB for the Bears, both fell with knee injuries early
in the game last night. The culprits responsible for the gruesome
injuries are still at large, but they are believed to be ninjas, sworn
enemies of quarterbacks.
Even
Mother Nature couldn't will the Miami Dolphins to a win Monday night,
although she did try to help her favorite NFL team. Rain, rain, and
more rain was heaped upon the field before the game, leaving the grass
resembling more a lake than anything else. She has been watching the
Dolphins flounder all season, and thought the only way perhaps to help
them was to flood the field. "They are the Dolphins, they should be
able to play a better game under water. The Steelers? What do they even
do, process steel? There is no way they are going to be able to beat
Miami in their own element. I've been saving up rain from the southern
California area for months, and I'm gonna unleash it on those damn
Steelers," said an angry Mother Nature before the game.
