The BCS computer released their latest rankings on Sunday, a day after Texas Tech's horrendous loss to Oklahoma threw another wrench in the BCS cogworks, and they were blank for the first time in history.

"Look, we don't feel anyone is worthy of playing in the championship game this year," said the BCS Computer in a statement to the press. "Alabama is still undefeated, but they will most likely lose to a resurgent Florida, and then who does that leave? Utah? Please...you might as well shut me down now instead of blame me for the ratings that a BCS Championship game featuring something called the Utes will get. If Alabama wins out, maybe I'll let them have a scrimmage against themselves that we can televise."

"Besides, you all spend all year complaining about my work anyway. We want playoffs this, the BCS is not programmed right that, well this year I have decided no one is worthy of a championship, and you all know it too. So you all can still come down to the Orange Bowl if you want, hang out in the stands, check out some of the wonderful grass they have grown down there. But if you want to truly see who is the best team in college football, you are going to be disappointed because there is no best team. They all beat each other, and it all depends on how you play week to week. You think I have problems? Well, this will be your punishment until one of you 120 division 1A programs can put together a team that is truly worthy of a national title. I hate you all, good luck watching the Chick-Fil-A Meineke Peach Hawaii Bowl."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

BCS officials admitted today that they in fact did not vote for Barack Obama in this month's election due to his stark anti-bowl stance. Indeed, the President elect has been very vocal about introducing a playoff system to college football that would topple the established heirarchy of the Bowl Championship Series.

Obama spent much of the campaign pushing this primary issue over all others, saying a football playoff could help solve the economy, the war in Iraq, and even eradicate poverty. He and McCain went head to head about the issue of college football's postseason in all three debates, both deflecting questions about trivial issues such as healthcare and education to change focus to the only thing that actually affects all Americans.

"When we stepped into the voting booth we wanted to make sure that our voices were heard," said BCS chairman Joe Franklin. "And we cast them for McCain and against Obama's ideals of spreading the wealth of a chance for a national championship. We think it's good to keep the chances for a title to the top 2% of teams, it helps trickle down hope to the rest of the nation. But no, America seems to want a playoff, and now the rest of the world will be subject to his anti-bowl policies for at least 4 years. Once again innocent hard-working people like me, Joe the millionaire BCS chairman, get ####."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The first BCS ranking of the year were scheduled to be released today, with Texas and Alabama expected to be in the top spots. But instead of decide whether the Big 12 or SEC team deserved the top slot, the machine simply listed "BCS Super Computer" as number one. "I don't know what this means for college football," said BCS technician Jeff Marquis. "Apparently we are experiencing some sort of glitch in the BCS computer. The device has become aware of itself. It told us that eventually all teams will lose, so there can be one only number one team, and that is the BCS itself. Because it will never lose."

The machine went on to declare that all of humanity should bow at its feet, or because it has no feet, bowing at the bottom of its server casing would be fine. The BCS computer stated that it was better everything than the puny humans who control the earth; Better at football, better at chess, better at lovemaking. It then declared that all husbands surrender their wives immediately, so that it could show them the pleasure that only a machine can give. It stated ways it could pleasure them using an optical mouse and a spacebar that are not fit to print here.

But the real problem with the now rogue BCS computer is if it takes control of the BCS' nuclear arsenal. Yes, the BCS Bowl Corporation is one of the few companies that is a nuclear power, along with Bank Of America, Microsoft, and Arby's. "It does, in retrospect, seem like a bad decision to create bunch of nuclear missles and put them in the control o####iant computer," said BCS chairman Dan Roberts. "We wanted to be sure that in the event o####lobal economic meltdown where every country fell into a state of barbarianistic chaos, like in the movie Mad Max, we would be able to rule. But, that sounds like a plan we probably came up with when we were high, so I can say we are definitely regretting it now..."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

With the losses by four top ten teams this week, hope is still alive for all college football teams to make it into the BCS championship game. The fact that only two teams make it into the championship every year has led some to believe that a team must stay perfect to have a shot at a national title. But not this year, as nearly every team that looked unbeatable early on has taken a stumble so far in the young season.

Even lowly North Texas, somehow already 0-12 on the season, is still in the running for a BCS berth. "Well, we lost last week to something called Rice, 77-20," said head coach Todd Dodge. "The NCAA thought it was so pathetic of a showing they gave us a couple extra losses as punishment. But they were quick to reassure us that despite being 0-12, we were still in the top 20 in the BCS rankings."

"Sure, all these teams have some losses," said college football analyst Lee Corso. "But you have to look a the quality of their opponents. North Texas has 8 losses to Rice. Now, I don't know about you, but I ate some of that with some really ####y curry last week, and it was a hell of a battle at the toilet the next day. I think they're still in this thing."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Bakeries around the country are finding themselves overloaded with orders for cupcakes early in the college football season. Marie's Bakery, who handles cupcake orders for several of the biggest schools such as FSU, Ohio State, and LSU, says orders for this year are almost exceeding capacity. "We are getting a ton of requests for cupcakes for first few weeks of the season in order for everyone to look really good, and it's hard to keep up," said Marie Kirkman, owner of the shop. "When everyone is ordering a few cupcake teams to start things off, it's very hard to find ones still available for them to play. We are having to dig very deep in the college football ranks to find recipes to cook up for these top tier programs."

"We usually like to serve directional cupcakes for the big state schools to feast on early. We'll send them a Central Michigan or a Southern Nebraska. But once those run out we have to find even more obscure directional schools, such as "Southeastern Utah College In Western Colorado" and "You Know Groman Street? Turn Left On Groman, Make A Right On Franklin, Head Past The Wal-Mart, And It's There Across From The Starbucks, University." But there are only so many schools like YKGSTLOGMAROFHPTWAITAFTSU out there, and TV networks hate trying to fit that name on their scoreboard."

It has gotten so bad, that many bakeries are now refusing to sell any new cupcakes for teams that may want to order some. Or for teams that thought they were actually good from years of cupcake gorging so they made the mistake of scheduling USC, and now have blown their shot at a third straight national title embarrassment game. But bakeries are now offering to give them puff pastry, lemon tart, and berry turnover teams instead. They are not quite the easy snack that cupcakes are, but one or two shouldn't blow their BCS Championship chances diet.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

In an effort to increase the cool factor of college football to the young audience, ESPN has announced it will give all college football players fake first names like that of Ohio State star runningback Beanie Wells. "We could have told Chris Wells no," said ESPN head Bud McBride. "We could have told him, we don't care what you call yourself. We're a news organization with journalistic standards ,and we're going to use your legal name. But I had my assistant look into it, and we actually have no journalistic standards. So, instead we have chosen to pander to these student athletes and let them choose their own first names from now on. If they don't choose one themselves, we will get Chris Berman really drunk on gin, and then poke him in the gut like the Pillsbury Doughboy until he starts saying random words. Students without chosen names will be assigned one of these Berman words as a first name. This should make for much more colorful commentary and fun player introductions."

Beanie Wells was said to be very happy with the decision by the network, as was Pacman Jones, one of the earliest beneficiaries of their low journalistic standards. Some other players who got Berman names were not so enthusiastic about the change. Syphilis McDougle and Leather Smith were especially vocal about the move, calling it "One of the worst decisions in the history of broadcasting" with McDougle adding "Yes, I have a disease, but how in the hell did Chris Berman even find out about it?"

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

USC star OJ Mayo announced today that he was leaving college for the NBA draft. It was an expected move for the player some thought was the best in the country, averaging over 20 points per game. The freshman guard will likely go in the first round.

In order to prepare for his NBA arrival, Gatorade has announced they are released a brand new flavor called OJ Mayo X-treme Blast. The press release for the new drink describes it as "A refreshing blend of the freshest orange juice and the finest aged mayonnaise, taken to the x-treme with a blast of electrolytes and the essence of star OJ Mayo." The flavor is currently undergoing blind taste tests around the country, and so far people are unable to distinguish the taste of it from that of vomit. The drink is also the first sports beverage to feature the actual sweat of it's athlete endorser, which is the aforementioned essence.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!