Scientists
from Destiny Labs announced today they have possibly created a formula
for beating the New England Patriots. "All year teams and researchers
around the country have been searching for a formula that will beat the
Pats," said head scientist Mark Thompson. "Several have come close.
Baltimore, New York, and even Jacksonville all had syrums that looked
like they might finally cure this Patriots disease, but in the end they
all remissed into winning."
The winning disease has afflicted New
England all season, and has left them searching for answers. "I'm so
tired," said Tom Brady. "All this winning, it's really taking it's toll
on my body. I don't know if I can keep it up. My doctor said the next
win may be the one that kills me. To play at such a high level, the
body wasn't designed to throw 50 touchdown passes in a season. I just
wanna lose again, please. I've forgotten how it feels to live."
The
symptoms of the Patriots disease are extreme offensive aptitude,
game-breaking speed, and the ability to come back from the brink of
defeat to pull of an incredible win. Even their own fans are starting
to feel the effects of the disease. "As a Patriots fan, it's just
getting really boring watching the same old outcome every week. Being
from Boston, I really hate to rub it in the faces of others when my
teams do well. So this really makes me feel like a jerk having to win
by 30 points every week, breaking multiple offensive records, and
having the MVP. I just wanna lose every once in awhile. Please..."
But
it's harder to lose than it looks for those suffering from Patriots
disease. In the season finale they tried their hardest to get behind
early to New York, but Tom Brady suffered a relapse in the 4th quarter
and led his team to victory. But now researchers believe they have a
cure devised for the ailment, one they will inject into Giants players
before Sunday's Super Bowl. If they can somehow, some way deliver the
vaccine to New England, they can come away with the biggest upset of
all time.
A
local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what
doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst
cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was
wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with
painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"
"5...days until kickoff," replied the man in a whisper.
"Oh
my god, he's pretty far gone. We're going to need to prep him for
surgery," said the doctor as they disappeared into one of the patient
rooms.
While the surgery was taking place, we spoke to his wife,
who had driven him to the hospital. "I don't know what happened to
him," she said. "We were eating dinner, and he kept flipping from ESPN,
to ESPN News, to FOX Sports, as he usually does. Then he just started
screaming, and grabbing his head. I didn't know what the problem was,
so I brought him here right away."
The doctor came out of the
room after a couple of hours. "It's not pretty, but I think we have him
stabilized. At times like these it's quite common for someone to
experience a Super Bowl hype overexposure. In a normal NFL week, people
have only 6 days to take in all the hype surrounding a game, and they
have many games to choose from. But at this time of year, the condition
worsens due to the 2-week layoff, the single game, and the need for
networks to try and find interesting stories about it for all that
time. The human body wasn't designed to handle this much of the same
regurgitate hype. The Brady boot, the Manning brothers, Spygate,
Belichick and Coughlin's douchiness, the undefeated season, we had
heard it all by last Monday, but they're still the top headline on
every show and website. We had to inject him with a 10 CC's of college
basketball, and then actually cut him open and insert some MLB
offseason trade news. I think he's gonna pull through."
During
the recovery we were allowed to speak briefly with the man. "I'm
feeling much better now. It was something around the 200th talking head
that came on ESPN to talk about whether they thought Brady's injury was
real or not, when something went off in my brain. It was like an
explosion of boredom. I just couldn't wait to get to the game, so it
could all just be over with. The doctor says I'm going to be on daily
doses of NBA, and then if there's improvement I might be able to watch
the last 15 minutes of a super pre-game show. Any more than that and
it's likely I'll have to hear all these same stories again. I just
wanna say that I love my family, and with their help I'm going to pull
through this."
One
of the familiar sights of the Giants this season has been head coach
Tom Coughlin and his bizarre skeleton face. Now that face is on its way
to Canton.
“It was disgusting,” said a clearly shaken Michael
Strahan. “One minute he was talking about how proud he was of us, and
the next minute his face was on the floor. It was like that scene from
Raiders of the Lost Ark where that dude loses his face.”
But
this time that dude was not a #### sympathizing artifact collector, it
was Tom Coughlin. Apparently Coughlin’s face, frozen in the frigid
weather, began to crack along his jaw line during his post-game speech
to his team. After placekicker Lawrence Tynes let out a girlish scream,
the rest of the team began to notice and they watched in horror as the
face melted to the floor.
“I’ve never seen anything like
it,” said QB Eli Manning. “His face was on the floor, but his eyes were
still looking around and his teeth were still moving. None of us knew
what to do, but then one of our trainers jumped in and put the face in
one of those big Gatorade tubs full of ice.”
According to
Giants VP Jerry Reese, the face traveled back with the team to New
York, where team doctors worked to try to revive Coughlin’s lifeless
face. Their efforts proved unsuccessful, however, and in the end,
Coughlin and the team decided to donate his frozen face to the Pro
Football Hall of Fame.
“We’re not sure what to do with it,”
said Garrett Brown, one of the curators of the Hall. “It’s really a
disturbing image and I’m not sure anyone needs to see it. We thought
about putting some researchers in charge of studying the face, because
I'm not sure it's entirely human. But right now, we’re storing it in
the break room freezer.”
Coughlin said he is making plans to
replace his face before the Super Bowl and has narrowed his choices
down to a paper cut-out of John McCain or a Halloween mask of the Crypt
Keeper from HBO’s “Tales from the Crypt.” Each would be a marked
improvement from the face he wore before.
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Scientists
from Destiny Labs announced today they have possibly created a formula
for beating the New England Patriots. "All year teams and researchers
around the country have been searching for a formula that will beat the
Pats," said head scientist Mark Thompson. "Several have come close.
Baltimore, New York, and even Jacksonville all had syrums that looked
like they might finally cure this Patriots disease, but in the end they
all remissed into winning."
A
local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what
doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst
cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was
wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with
painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"
One
of the familiar sights of the Giants this season has been head coach
Tom Coughlin and his bizarre skeleton face. Now that face is on its way
to Canton.
