The team doctor of the New England Patriots had originally diagnosed Tom Brady with a torn ACL and MCL after his week one injury. It was thought his season might be done forever, but word out of Foxboro is that Brady might be able to return to the field as early as next month. Brady flew out yesterday to Alabama to meet with Dr. James Seuss, one of the foremost authorities on joint injuries.

"Well Mr. Brady, the news is not good," Dr. Seuss told him after taking some x-rays. "There's something in your joint, and be worried you should. Most doctors think this is a knee, but that's quite untrue to be, the rest of them all have the brains of a flea. It's actually a kneefus, and injuries to it are as rare as the baseball pitch eephus."

"Uh, so it can be fixed then?" said a skeptical Brady.

"They probably said no, but I say of course! My surgical skills are an unstoppable force! When it's a broken kneefus you've got, there's only one cure! It starts with the extract of a young Snaggleburr! From there we put in the liver of healthy Fhiqiment. It's to replace the torn parts of your broken down ligament!"

Brady agreed to the procedure, and it is scheduled to take place next week. It is the first known kneefus operation ever attempted on an NFL player, but Brady hopes it will enable him to get on the field quickly. "I am very confident in the recovery time," said Brady. "Dr. Seuss told me I would be back in a jiffy, and in the mean time while healing I'd be on drugs that gave me a mighty stiffy. So, I'm kind of excited on both accounts..."

Others are questioning the validity of Dr. Seuss, who was asked by reporters what tools he will be using in the operation to insert the Snaggleburr and the Fhiqiment. "Well, my major tool for this operation will be my imagination! It should be powerful enough to get me through any complication!" said Seuss. When they questioned what other tools he might have, maybe ones in the real world, he replied "I've also got a hammer and a philip's head screwdriver around here somewhere."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• A little known fact around the NFL is the close friendship of Norv Turner and Ed Hochuli. They frequently spend their off time fishing, riding a bicycle built for two, sharing a plate of spaghetti like in the movie "Lady & The Tramp". It's a wonderful friendship, and more than just a little ####. But these guys are the best of friends, and I can't see anything getting in the way of that.
• Now that Chad Johnson has changed to his Ocho Cinco jersey, this offense will really get going.
  
• All the teases CBS ran for 60 Minutes asking the question "Want to find out all about Supreme Court Justice Scalia?" were really on the money for the football audience. The first thing they love is sports, the second thing is Supreme Court Justice biographies.
• There has been no Super Bowl winner as big a fluke as the New York Giants. They will struggle to keep narrowly beating teams all season.
• Watch Out For "Big Play" Tarvaris Jackson this week against a weak Colts secondary.
• I'm glad the Chiefs have finally decided on a quarterback in Damon Huard, I bet they stick with him for awhile. They have someone named Tyler Thigpen as their third QB, thank God we never have to see that name on the field.
• You've gotta love all the guys sorting through papers and surfing the internet in the background of the NFL On FOX Pregame show. I want that job, the job of looking busy and acting like things are going on.
• I hear Cleveland has beautiful weather this time of year.
• At least Miami has their great defense to keep them in games this season. Kurt Warner might make a few passes, but he can't throw the long ball like he used to.
• I just got back in town from a long vacation overseas! I had my late fantasy draft on friday, and managed to get Tom Brady with the last pick in the first round! I am going to dominate these fools! I can't wait to see how he does later today.

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Bill Parcells handed over the keys to Miami's offense yesterday to Chad Pennington, telling him to be careful with the new franchise he just got over the summer. The move surprised many, as Pennington had his quarterbacking license suspended last month in New York for bad driving. Several times last season he was pulled over by the coaching staff in the middle of games for a QUI, Quarterbacking Unbelievably Incompetently. He was seen swerving balls all over the field and driving the opposite way in traffic, often driving the offense into his own endzone. When pulled over, coaches had him attempt to throw a ball in a straight line, but he could not successfully do it.

Pennington wasted no time in showing that the decision to give him the keys was a bad one, as he played New England in a preseason game later that day and proceeded to crash the offense right in their prized defense. On the first play from scrimmage, Pennington was under big pressure as defensive tackles broke through the Dolphins offensive line and made him sail a pass over the head of Ricky Williams, who was then drilled hard into the ground by a defender. Chad was thrown to the ground after the play, and Parcells ran out onto the field yelling "What have you done to my brand new offense! It's ruined!" Old man Belichick, who takes great pride in his flower garden and defense, also ran out onto the field and surveyed the damage on his fence, "You think your offense if in bad shape, how about my defense! It is supposed to be training to play against good teams, and we have to warm up against this awfulness?! We will never be ready for the regular season!"

To pay off the damages, Pennington has agreed to quarterback the team throughout the season to a record bad enough for Parcells to draft a new offense in the offseason.

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Peyton Manning was ruled out of the second preseason game for the Indianapolis Colts, as he continues to recover from the infected bursa sac he had removed from his knee a couple of weeks ago. Manning's PR agent Johnny Philips held a press conference to assure fans of the quarterback, especially the ladies, that he would be back and just as good as before.

"I know a lot of you are worried about Peyton," said Philips. "And it is a commonly known fact that what makes a quarterback great is his giant sack. Brady, Elway, Marino, Favre, we are talking about some of the biggest sacks in history here. But, I assure you that the removal of this sack will in no way affect Peyton's play on the field. You see, Peyton is such a great quarterback because he has multiple sacks hidden throughout his body. That's where he gets his special ability, his intangibles out on the field. He has his normal male sack, a sack on his right shoulder, two more sacks inside his lower abdomen, the sack in his knee, and if he ever took off his shoes you would see that he has not a foot, but a giant sack down there too. This is a man who still, despite the loss, still sweats manliness from his pores. He could get a woman pregnant from touching her after a brisk jog. So, I think we're going to be fine. He will be back soon."

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New England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year. "Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots. "There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the #### Heart, which is the magical giant heart fueled by Boston residents constant gloating about their sports teams, broke down. It supplies all our electricity, you see, and it just went out. Only by believing our team was possible of humiliating weaker opponents next year, and clapping our hands really fast, could we bring it back to life."

Mike Wise, a man who has 11 Patriots tattoos on his body, including a regrettable portrait of Drew Bledsoe, says he took the news harder than most. "Well, you know, I was very upset in the beginning. I went home and killed my family, who I long thought didn't love the Patriots enough. Then I burnt down my entire house, because it was obviously unlucky. But then I realized there's always next year, and our coach will always keep us in the games with his innovative cheating. Plus, now I can get a much younger girlfriend who is impressed by my $60,000 a year construction job and the fact I have my own truck. So, it's a win-win all around."

Other residents shared Mike's sentiment. "I'm just ready to move on, it happened so long ago now," said Bud Wilson, a teacher at Benson High School in southern Boston. "I mean, the Patriots lost. They had a lot to fight for, but in the end England was stronger. Now I have to wear powdered wigs, drink Tab soda, and take a galleon to work. But I'm fine with it. I think I finally am getting my sealegs, and I'm getting used to putting half my yearly salary in cash into an envelope and mailing it to England. They won, I get it, and I'm ok with it finally."

Mike was then informed that the Patriots actually won the Revolutionary War, and was happy but confused.

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The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

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The cast of M*A*S*H were glued to their TV's Monday, anxiously awaiting the news on the ratings for the Super Bowl. When it came out that the game scored 97.5 million viewers, making it the second most-watched program in history behind their 1983 series finale. The game was the most-watched Super Bowl of all time, beating the 1996 championship between Dallas and Pittsburgh.

Every year the cast gathers during big events that have a chance at beating their viewer record. Super Bowls, American Idol finales, any episode of Cavemen. Anything with a huge viewership that could topple thier record that has lasted for almost 30 years. When the ratings announcement came down, and this Super Bowl would not have the perfect record, they popped open the champagne they save every year for this time.

"It's so hard to go undefeated in this day and age," said Hawkeye. "Everyone is always nipping at your heels with a new reality show or TV finale, but we've managed to stand the test of time. After this win it really shows what out accomplishment meant."

"It feels so good to pop open that champagne," said Hot Lips Houlihan. "We can't actually drink it, because most of us are suffering from kidney failure. So we pour it into the sink and all have an Ensure. Also, Sherman Potter is about 70% dead, but he likes the loud pop and the bubbles. So we do it mostly for him."

"Every year I put on the dress one more time, thinking it could be my last," added Klinger. "But every year the ratings come out and we are still number one. I thought there should be an asterisk next to this Super Bowl, if it did somehow beat us anyway. The whole spygate fiasco really increased viewership in this game by making everyone hate the Pats more. That's cheating, to make a scandal like that in hopes it gets more viewers."

The M*A*S*H cast is safe for one more season. But in the free agent era, it's unlikely anyone will challenge the record again.

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New England Patriots, your team has just lost Super Bowl XLII! Now it's time to celebrate with the official Super Bowl Loser merchandise, available only from NFL Shop! Own a piece of history with some of these great items:

Why not pick up the Patriots: Super Bowl Losers Sombrero? It's the same sombrero that Univision edited onto the head of Tom Brady during their Spanish-language broadcast. Celebrate failure with not just a hat that reminds you of the game's result, but also the most ridiculous piece of headwear outside of those poofy hats your mom used to make you wear in the winter. It's double the embarassment for supporting the team that lost the big one!

How about the "18-1 Is Pretty Good" hoodie. Only from NFL Shop, now you can dress like your coach and sport the phrase that he will be telling himself all off-season. On the back it says "Don't worry, we'll be back, our division still has the Jets, Dolphins, and Bills in it!"

Or maybe pick up the ultimate item for the ultimate fan, a 9 millimeter Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol. You just lost $10 grand on the game, everyone at the office is going to be ragging on you all year, and your team will no longer be remembered as the best of all-time. Why not just end it all? With the Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol, you won't need a suicide note, the pistol will be all the evidence the police need. Also good for normal murders! Just place the pistol in the hands of the victim after, and the cops won't ask questions, they'll know the reason for the crime! Order today!

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Due to much of the game being a snore-fest offensively, the Super Bowl ads stole much of the show early on. Here are our thoughts on them:

• Apparently there are 20 different brands of flavored vitamin water out there. Where the hell did they come from, who is actually drinking them, and how did they get the money to afford so many spots?!
• Under Armor is apparently organizing a ####-esque army of people in spandex to take over the world.
• Budweiser found a way to make their usually hilarious Super Bowl commercials unfunny, add some Carlos Mencia.
• You've never seen me spit a drink like the Pepsi Max I was drinking when I found out that doing so could bring Justin Timberlake crashing into my living room.
• I don't know about you, but I can't wait for this Wall-E movie where a robot interacts with every day appliances for and hour and a half. Looks like a hoot. Haven't seen that kind of silent hilarity since the 20's.
• I haven't seen an ad as blatantly racist as the Sales Genie Asian pandas ad since the one for #### X-Treme, the #### for today's athletic biggot.
• I saw more of Sarah Connor than I did of Tom Brady. Can this writer's strike please end soon? We need more than one new show on FOX.
• I've never watched your show Prison Break, but apparently you're still at it after 4 years. Maybe you should just be called "Guys In Prison, But With Aspirations On Escape".
• Best warning on the bottom of an ad: "Professional, Do Not Attempt" on the ad where the guy hooks jumper cables up to his nipples.
• Did anybody go to GoDaddy.com to watch the rest of that ad, or am I not alone in thinking she looks like a 10-year-old boy. Being the hottest female racecar driver is not saying much.
• Don't worry Adam Sandler, I will not be messing with the Zohan, not after seeing your last 5 #### movies.
• That ad about Charles Barkeley talking nonstop when he's in your Fave 5 is so true, I speak from experience.
• Coke should be sued for advertising those glass bottles you haven't been able to find since the 1950's. I wanna drink like politicians, I want a glass bottle.

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Gisele, get that v*gina ready. Tom Brady might be a little angry tonight.

(Jason Parkhurst-US PRESSWIRE)

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Scientists from Destiny Labs announced today they have possibly created a formula for beating the New England Patriots. "All year teams and researchers around the country have been searching for a formula that will beat the Pats," said head scientist Mark Thompson. "Several have come close. Baltimore, New York, and even Jacksonville all had syrums that looked like they might finally cure this Patriots disease, but in the end they all remissed into winning."

The winning disease has afflicted New England all season, and has left them searching for answers. "I'm so tired," said Tom Brady. "All this winning, it's really taking it's toll on my body. I don't know if I can keep it up. My doctor said the next win may be the one that kills me. To play at such a high level, the body wasn't designed to throw 50 touchdown passes in a season. I just wanna lose again, please. I've forgotten how it feels to live."

The symptoms of the Patriots disease are extreme offensive aptitude, game-breaking speed, and the ability to come back from the brink of defeat to pull of an incredible win. Even their own fans are starting to feel the effects of the disease. "As a Patriots fan, it's just getting really boring watching the same old outcome every week. Being from Boston, I really hate to rub it in the faces of others when my teams do well. So this really makes me feel like a jerk having to win by 30 points every week, breaking multiple offensive records, and having the MVP. I just wanna lose every once in awhile. Please..."

But it's harder to lose than it looks for those suffering from Patriots disease. In the season finale they tried their hardest to get behind early to New York, but Tom Brady suffered a relapse in the 4th quarter and led his team to victory. But now researchers believe they have a cure devised for the ailment, one they will inject into Giants players before Sunday's Super Bowl. If they can somehow, some way deliver the vaccine to New England, they can come away with the biggest upset of all time.

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A local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"5...days until kickoff," replied the man in a whisper.

"Oh my god, he's pretty far gone. We're going to need to prep him for surgery," said the doctor as they disappeared into one of the patient rooms.

While the surgery was taking place, we spoke to his wife, who had driven him to the hospital. "I don't know what happened to him," she said. "We were eating dinner, and he kept flipping from ESPN, to ESPN News, to FOX Sports, as he usually does. Then he just started screaming, and grabbing his head. I didn't know what the problem was, so I brought him here right away."

The doctor came out of the room after a couple of hours. "It's not pretty, but I think we have him stabilized. At times like these it's quite common for someone to experience a Super Bowl hype overexposure. In a normal NFL week, people have only 6 days to take in all the hype surrounding a game, and they have many games to choose from. But at this time of year, the condition worsens due to the 2-week layoff, the single game, and the need for networks to try and find interesting stories about it for all that time. The human body wasn't designed to handle this much of the same regurgitate hype. The Brady boot, the Manning brothers, Spygate, Belichick and Coughlin's douchiness, the undefeated season, we had heard it all by last Monday, but they're still the top headline on every show and website. We had to inject him with a 10 CC's of college basketball, and then actually cut him open and insert some MLB offseason trade news. I think he's gonna pull through."

During the recovery we were allowed to speak briefly with the man. "I'm feeling much better now. It was something around the 200th talking head that came on ESPN to talk about whether they thought Brady's injury was real or not, when something went off in my brain. It was like an explosion of boredom. I just couldn't wait to get to the game, so it could all just be over with. The doctor says I'm going to be on daily doses of NBA, and then if there's improvement I might be able to watch the last 15 minutes of a super pre-game show. Any more than that and it's likely I'll have to hear all these same stories again. I just wanna say that I love my family, and with their help I'm going to pull through this."

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Nike announced today the release of the all-new 2008 Tom Brady cast. It turns out the boot he was wearing when he went into Gisele's apartment on Monday was not because of an injury, it was merely a promotional boot. This marks the first name-brand cast ever released, but many New England fans are already breaking their own legs and lining up outside Nike Outlet stores to be the first to try it on.

Nike's slogan for the boot is "Heal Your Bone Fractures Like A Champion". Basketball players are usually the only ones to have a yearly shoe released under their name, but Nike has tried several football releases in the past. There was the Morten Anderson sandal, the Steve Young Heely, and the Daunte Culpepper Croc. All utter failures.

Tom Brady's new commercial in which he states "When I sustain a class 2 stress fracture, I don't take it to the doctor or the ER. I take it to the max! With Nike!" Many Nike stores and Foot Lockers are now being inundated with injured people, as they believe that is where they should go to receive treatment.

"There isn't much we can do for them," said a frantic Foot Locker employee. "We usually just measure their foot with that weird device we have and then give them a few aspirin that the new guy Wally keeps in his pocket. Right now, I hate Tom Brady. I haven't even graduated high school, I'm not qualified to treat wounds."

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By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

Archie Manning announced this week that he and his superstar son Peyton will appear in numerous cut-away camera shots during the upcoming Super Bowl. Archie stated that the elder Mannings are appearing as part of a Fox Sports sub-plot which will continuously make reference to the fact that the youngest Manning, who led his team to a Super Bowl berth this season, is ironically the son and brother of two much better and much more famous quarterbacks.

“I was a little disappointed last year because most of the focus seemed to be on Peyton and his on the field play.” Manning said. “Everyone expected him to be there and to play well, so they only cut away to shots of me and the rest of the family like two or three times max. But this time around we’ve had some discussions with the folks over at Fox and they’ve agreed to pan up to our skybox much more during this year. I think it will make the Super Bowl much more interesting for the average fan if they are able to see our reaction to every play that Eli makes on the field. And let's face it, Peyton and I are just much more interesting than Eli anyway, even Eli knows that.”

Respected around the league for their tireless preparation, the Mannings have been working on an updated version of their family hug that they plan to unveil on the off chance that Eli should happen to throw a touchdown pass on football’s biggest stage.
And more importantly, they have been focused on improving their looks of disappointment, dissatisfaction and all out despair so that they can utilize several different versions following each successive Eli interception, fumble or other boneheaded play. “Peyton and I are taking a realistic approach to our preparation,” Manning said, “we know there will be way more chances for us to look disappointed than excited, so that’s primarily where our focus has been. We want to be ready to give America a different reaction each time Eli screws up.”

TSC made several attempts to reach Peyton Manning for comment, but we were repeatedly informed that he was too busy filming his Super Bowl commercials to offer any response.

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Police were called to the New York apartment of Gisele Bundchen after neighbors complained about loud screaming and noises coming from it. They arrived to find Patriots quarterback Tom Brady sitting on the couch crying, with a walking cast on his right foot. Gisele was in the other room watching basketball and drinking a beer in a white tanktop. Tom Brady took a minute to wipe the makeup off his face that had began to run, and asked the cops what the problem was.

"We have reports of a domestic disturbance coming from these premises," said one of the officers. "Do you know anything about that?"

"No officer," answered Brady. "I don't know where they would have gotten the idea we were fighting or anything."

"Honey! Shut your friends up! I'm trying to watch the game!" yelled Bundchen from the other room.

It was then the cops noticed the cast on Brady's foot. "Where did you get that injury, son?"

"Oh, I'm so clumsy. I fell down the stairs a little bit earlier today" replied Brady.

"What stairs? This is a one story apartment," asked the other officer looking around the place.

"Oh, yes, well we had them taken out after I fell down them," Brady shot back quickly.

"You did that today? Where would the stairs even have led to?"

"Thanks for coming over officers, but this really isn't necessary, we're very much in love." The police then took note of Brady's black eye and pointed to it. "Oh that thing? Well Gisele was only trying to explain to me, very calmly, that I should have done her laundry yesterday. She was trying to point to the calendar and show me how it was one of my 29 days of the month to do laundry, when she accidentally touched my eye a little bit."

"She hit you?" asked the first officer, very surprised.

Tom shook his head. "No, just a touch, a hard touch. She did it because she loves me so much! It only happens when she gets drunk, or angry, or when she's awake. The good times are so good, I can overlook these little episodes."

"Alright sir, if you don't want to press charges we'll be going. But be careful, will you? I've got 200 bucks riding on your game."

"God damn it! I need another beer Tom! Get in here!" yelled Gisele as the officers exited the building.

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