"Alright coach, I'll admit, this was not my best swing." - Todd Helton

He sits alone in the Colorado Rockies clubhouse, knowing that he will probably never take the field for his newest team. He faces the same fate that has awaited him over the past 20 or so years of his professional career, which has spanned countless teams and even whole sports leagues. Player To Be Named Later, the man in question, has been involved in nearly 400 trades over the past two decades. Just seemingly not able to find a permanent fit, he was most recently acquired by the Colorado Rockies from Kansas City in exchange for pitcher Ramon Ramirez. Before Kansas City he spent time in the NFL where he was traded among several AFC East teams, and then was dealt to an NHL franchise for a short time.

Mr. Later's life is a lonely one filled with disappointment and wanting. For someone who has spent time with hundreds of clubs, he has yet to get a single minute of playing time on any team. Now in his 40's, Player says it may be time to think about hanging up his cleats/skates/tennis shoes/skiis. "It's getting tough for both me and my family. I'm traded so much, I don't know where we're going to be next or what sport I'll have to play. One time I went to a badminton team, and I didn't even know how that game worked. Luckily the Anaheim Ducks picked me up within the week."

But why is this career backup the most traded man in all of sports? Mainly because of his salary, which is always league minimum, and the help he gives clubs in keeping their roster full. But Colorado players have come to love Player T.B.N. Later, and are even pushing for him to get a start on their injury-depleted team. "Look, I know he's old," said Todd Helton. "I know he's probably never held a bat in his life, but he's really pursued his dream of playing something, hell anything. I say we give him a shot, like that movie Rudy."

Not since being stoned to death back in ancient Rome, had there been a public bludgeoning this bad. On Sunday the Colorado Rockies were swept under the rug 4-3 by the Boston Red Sox after they had reeled off 21 of 22 wins. The Rockies seemed to be outmatched in every facet of the game, being outscored 28-11, having a starting ERA of around 9.00, and even their defense seemed to be sub-par to a Boston squad who made key double plays and off-the-wall catches. It was a great end to the season for the Red Sox who have now won their 2nd World Series title in 4 years, after 86 years of struggling to win the big game.

It's a real heartbreaker for a Colorado team who seemed like a team of destiny going into the championship, who had needed to win all 21 of those games just to be there. After the game the entire team went back to the clubhouse where they played the series over again on MLB 2K7 on their Xbox 360's. They of course were swept again by Boston, so they had to lower the difficulty to easy and play through it again. This still did not yield a win, so they made a few in-game trades. Eventually at 4:57 AM the next day they were virtual World Series champions, having won a close 4-3 series over a Red Sox team featuring ace pitcher Byung-Hyun Kim and Juan Pierre hitting cleanup.

"It feels great to finally win a championship," said an exhausted Todd Helton. "Watching a 10-second victory animation after finally getting the job done makes all these years worth it. I can retire in peace now. It stings a little bit that they had to trade me away in the game to get Kevin Youkilis, but it was a move that had to be done."

Congratulations Boston Red Sox, 2007 World Series Champions.

Also Congratulations Colorado Rockies, 2007 MLB 2K7 Easy Difficulty World Series Champions.

SportsComedian.com

The Sports Comedian presents: the World Series game one in pictures.

We tried to upload photos of all the Red Sox crossing the plate, but there were so many it overloaded our server. This one will have to suffice.

For one night, and one night only, Eric Gagne was not the worst pitcher on the field.

This fan has solved the hyperbeckett postulate, a mathematical equation long eluding the world's best minds.

"Wow man, even their grass is better than ours." -Garrett Atkins.

As we said in our Keys To The Game, when Manny's hat comes off, good things happen for Boston.

This line of K's soon wrapped around the entire stadium.

The most coordinated office building ever.

This is how Josh Beckett actually appeared to Rockies hitters. No wonder they had such trouble.

"Didn't you practice during that 8-day layoff?" -Yorvit Torrealba

"I knew I forgot something." -Jeff Francis

Yes, I did just lift a joke from D2: The Mighty Ducks. This is the saddest day in the history of this blog.

Once everyone jumped off the bandwagon after the blowout, Colorado merchandise was very cheap.

If David Ortiz and Roger Federer had a child.

Garrett Atkins tries to remember where the plate is, it's been so long since they've been there.

"What's the score now?" -Todd Helton

"I don't know I lost count. This half-inning actually seems longer than our 8 day layoff, we're gonna have to try to remember how to hit again." -Troy Tulowitzki

"And why is Garrett Atkins smelling the grass again? Wasn't he doing that in that picture earlier?" -Todd Helton

"(Japanese)" -Kaz Matsui

"Yeah, we do suck." -Todd Helton

SportsComedian.com

It is time sports fans, after 162(163 for some) regular season games, 6 playoff series, and many months o####rueling baseball season, the World Series is upon us. This year will be an epic David versus Goliath battle as the Colorado Rockies take on the Boston Red Sox. Rox versus Sox. It's a battle everyone has been dreaming about since they were children. I think we all remember putting on our socks for their first day of school and then looking out the window and seeing rocks in the front yard, and then wondering who would win if the two fought. Now that question can finally be answered.

But what does each team need to do in order to take home a world championship? We at The Sports Comedian break down the key to the game for each team:

1. There is one thing going for them that no other team in the major leagues has, and that's the power of purple. No team in the majors, and maybe even the minor leagues, possesses the gall to wear bright purple on their backs every day. It's been a long time since they've donned the colorful monstrosities seen below, due to their winning streak happening in the black jerseys. But they need to get back to these ASAP if they want to take home the title. The baseball gods obviously are favoring the only team to wear such a bold color. The Arizona Diamondbacks featured purple on their jerseys as well up until this season when they went all red, and the result was defeat at the hands of the color they scorned. The jerseys the Rockies wore when they took 2 of 3 from Boston back in June while outscoring them 20-5 and handing Josh Beckett his first loss? Purple of course. Evidence:
   
2. The Boston pitching staff is thought the be far and above Colorado's. But the one person everyone is pointing to as the wild card in their starting rotation is recent Japanese import Daisuke Matsuzaka. He didn't fare so well in his early postseason starts, and the pressure of the World Series might get to him in the series. There are a few things Japanese people fear, one is the possibility of a world devoid of anime, one is playing baseball in front of a huge audience for a world title, and another is men in obvious fake lizard suits, like Godzilla. And what is the mascot of the Colorado Rockies? None other than a man in a lizard suit, Dinger the Tricerotops. Dice-K's knees are already buckling. This thing even freaks me out. Evidence:
   
3. It's very possible due to their lack of experience, and the pressures of playing at Fenway Park, that Colorado could drop the first two games. If this should happen they come back home for the next 3 games, and have to do something drastic, something wild, something like play on a giant field of ice. The picture below was the scene earlier this week at Coors Field, and if you tried to play a baseball game on that, every piece of analysis you can muster goes right out the window. It could be the last-ditch effort Colorado needs. Evidence:
4. 

So to recap, the keys to the game for the Colorado Rockies are:

• The Power of Purple!
  
• Dice-K Fears Dino-Suits
• Freeze Em
  

Look for The Sports Comedian's coverage of this big event to continue tomorrow. Enjoy the game everyone!

SportsComedian.com

The Colorado Rockies clinched their first ever World Series berth with a 4-game sweep of the Diamondbacks last night. Here is their post-game celebration in pictures:

Their fans can't spell, but boy can their team play.

The custodians pride parade outside the stadium helped to build the electric atmosphere.

What could be the greatest team ever needed a sign in the audience signaling the greatest movie ever.

How to make a World Series clinching champagne celebration look lame: wear kid's swimming goggles. You have an 8-day layoff to regain your vision, party it up while looking cool.

Rebecca's speech impediment makes it's way to her sign.

Coors Light? I thought we were men...

"I should have gone with a career in soccer instead."

Yes! For one night, and one night only, I don't feel like an incredible nerd. Also, my purchase of the only Yorvit Torrealba jersey in existence, not owned by Yorvit Torrealba, is justified.

The only bigger winners on Monday night...Colorado broom manufacturers.

Two fans who came all the way from the future to attend the game ruin the suspense for everyone else in attendance.

This is the first straight parade to feature this many people wearing purple.

The Denver police even cut loose with a raucous line dance.

You know you're a bit of a bandwagon fan when the only Rockies item you have is a newspaper. Come on, at least you could purchase a hat or something.

SportsComedian.com