The Washington Redskins improbable season had come full-circle. After losing their starting safety Sean Taylor to a tragic shooting in his home, they had been on a tear to make the playoffs. Getting in and facing the Seahawks was no easy task, but despite trailing 13-0 early, they pushed and came back to take a 14-13 lead in the 4th quarter. It would be the perfect ending to a perfect run for the feel-good story of the year.

But then, inexplicably, the Seahawks scored a touchdown, then a field goal, then another touchdown. Before the Redskins knew it, it was a 35-14 bludgeoning. At some point during the meltdown, Joe Gibbs ran out from behind his camera to shout "What are you guys doing? This isn't in the script!" When asked about the game Gibbs was sullen, "I wrote this epic masterpiece about a death challenging a mediocre team to come together and gel into a champion. But the Seahawks obviously did not get the pages I sent them last week. They have completely messed everything up. We still had 30 pages of script to go! How are we going to win the Super Bowl now?! I also had a scene where the team battled a dragon and where all 42 men on the active roster fall in love with Taylor's widow. It was to be a heart-warming ending to our tale, that defied the logic of 42 men and one woman. The love scene alone could have won us a cinematography award. But none of that is going to be happening now!"

"It was my bad," said Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren. "I didn't see the latest script sitting in a box at my front door Friday, so I told the boys to just go out there and play. In the latest version of the script I had, we find out that all the Redskins are actually dead and ghosts, and we are all trapped in some kind of matrix controlled by machine overlords. I kept waiting for that to happen, as it sounded very interesting, but it never did. I guess he changed the ending to this standard team overcomes adversity plot. Oops..."

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
• Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
• Unfrozen from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
• Why does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
• Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
• Obviously with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
• Alright Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole lot less hilarious.
• Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises everyone by showing he's not retired.
• Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
• The Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998, although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record is better.
  
• People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large. For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of National Treasure 2.

In a brutal attack upon the very foundation of America, FedEx Field on Thursday night was the site of two quarterbacks being struck down by their oldest nemesis, ninjas. Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins QB, and Rex Grossman, QB for the Bears, both fell with knee injuries early in the game last night. The culprits responsible for the gruesome injuries are still at large, but they are believed to be ninjas, sworn enemies of quarterbacks.

Many fans and even the announcers did not acknowledge the attacks for what they obviously were, a blatant revenge strike for the famous Hayagoshi Temple invasion of last year. It was during that invasion of the Ninja's sacred home where Tom Brady and Brett Favre led an all-out assault on the complex. Carrying explosive footballs and wearing helmets made of steel, the QB force was able to plant the bombs at the base of the building and bring it down in a pile of rubble. Many bodies were found at the scene, some with football sized holes through their torsos. One ninja was found alive, burned and barely breathing. He vowed the ninjas would have vengeance upon the house of quarterbacks some time in the future.

The attack on Thursday night was carried out with great secrecy as the ninjas slipped in, took out the knees, and then slipped out without ever being seen. Jason Campbell's knee was taken out with a well-placed ninja star, which has to be removed there on the field with much visible pain. It's unknown what was used to injure Grossman, but a pair of nunchucks were found near a concession stand some time later that night. It's strange that the broadcasters did not catch on to the attack, as they have slow motion cameras which could have been used to get a glimpse of the ninjas.

The QB-Ninja fued is one of the oldest in the history of the world. For hundreds of years they have warred with each other in fuedal Japan, fighting over lands and principles. For many years the ninjas held the upper hand, such as the Battle of Okinawa, where an estimated 4000 quarterbacks were killed by the superior ninja forces. Ninjas were always much better with swords and close combat. But due to the advent of the football some 100 years ago, the quarterbacks have been able to win most encounters due to the long range nature of the ball.

The conflict is obviously nowhere near finished, and a warrant is out for the arrest of the ninjas.

Despite being perhaps the most obvious call in the history of officiating, Bernard Berrian still demands his coach challenge the out-of-bounds ruling. One does not argue with Bernard Berrian.