Inspired by the new Hulk movie coming out this summer, in which they attempt to ignore the horrible original and reboot the character with a new origin, the Oakland Raiders are asking to do the same thing. "If you can do a remake in movies, you should damn well be able to do them in football," said Raiders owner Al Davis. "What we want to do here is replay the 2003 Super Bowl. That game just wasn't well liked by the fans, especially in Oakland, because it was such a massive blowout. We propose recasting the teams and shooting the whole thing over again. We've got a new quarterback in Jamarcus Russell as our star, and I really think he's going to help us make people forget about the original."

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers declined comment on the matter saying only, "We are not going to entertain the possibility of this game being remade. The original game is beloved by longtime fans everywhere, we feel that trying to update the game for the current times would be detrimental to it's message. The game of football was much simpler back then, trying to add in all the new technology like lazer targeting, cyber passing, and holographic kickers would only make it a shadow of what the original was."

The Sports Comedian
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The cast of M*A*S*H were glued to their TV's Monday, anxiously awaiting the news on the ratings for the Super Bowl. When it came out that the game scored 97.5 million viewers, making it the second most-watched program in history behind their 1983 series finale. The game was the most-watched Super Bowl of all time, beating the 1996 championship between Dallas and Pittsburgh.

Every year the cast gathers during big events that have a chance at beating their viewer record. Super Bowls, American Idol finales, any episode of Cavemen. Anything with a huge viewership that could topple thier record that has lasted for almost 30 years. When the ratings announcement came down, and this Super Bowl would not have the perfect record, they popped open the champagne they save every year for this time.

"It's so hard to go undefeated in this day and age," said Hawkeye. "Everyone is always nipping at your heels with a new reality show or TV finale, but we've managed to stand the test of time. After this win it really shows what out accomplishment meant."

"It feels so good to pop open that champagne," said Hot Lips Houlihan. "We can't actually drink it, because most of us are suffering from kidney failure. So we pour it into the sink and all have an Ensure. Also, Sherman Potter is about 70% dead, but he likes the loud pop and the bubbles. So we do it mostly for him."

"Every year I put on the dress one more time, thinking it could be my last," added Klinger. "But every year the ratings come out and we are still number one. I thought there should be an asterisk next to this Super Bowl, if it did somehow beat us anyway. The whole spygate fiasco really increased viewership in this game by making everyone hate the Pats more. That's cheating, to make a scandal like that in hopes it gets more viewers."

The M*A*S*H cast is safe for one more season. But in the free agent era, it's unlikely anyone will challenge the record again.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Gisele, get that v*gina ready. Tom Brady might be a little angry tonight.

(Jason Parkhurst-US PRESSWIRE)

SportsComedian.com

Scientists from Destiny Labs announced today they have possibly created a formula for beating the New England Patriots. "All year teams and researchers around the country have been searching for a formula that will beat the Pats," said head scientist Mark Thompson. "Several have come close. Baltimore, New York, and even Jacksonville all had syrums that looked like they might finally cure this Patriots disease, but in the end they all remissed into winning."

The winning disease has afflicted New England all season, and has left them searching for answers. "I'm so tired," said Tom Brady. "All this winning, it's really taking it's toll on my body. I don't know if I can keep it up. My doctor said the next win may be the one that kills me. To play at such a high level, the body wasn't designed to throw 50 touchdown passes in a season. I just wanna lose again, please. I've forgotten how it feels to live."

The symptoms of the Patriots disease are extreme offensive aptitude, game-breaking speed, and the ability to come back from the brink of defeat to pull of an incredible win. Even their own fans are starting to feel the effects of the disease. "As a Patriots fan, it's just getting really boring watching the same old outcome every week. Being from Boston, I really hate to rub it in the faces of others when my teams do well. So this really makes me feel like a jerk having to win by 30 points every week, breaking multiple offensive records, and having the MVP. I just wanna lose every once in awhile. Please..."

But it's harder to lose than it looks for those suffering from Patriots disease. In the season finale they tried their hardest to get behind early to New York, but Tom Brady suffered a relapse in the 4th quarter and led his team to victory. But now researchers believe they have a cure devised for the ailment, one they will inject into Giants players before Sunday's Super Bowl. If they can somehow, some way deliver the vaccine to New England, they can come away with the biggest upset of all time.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

A local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"5...days until kickoff," replied the man in a whisper.

"Oh my god, he's pretty far gone. We're going to need to prep him for surgery," said the doctor as they disappeared into one of the patient rooms.

While the surgery was taking place, we spoke to his wife, who had driven him to the hospital. "I don't know what happened to him," she said. "We were eating dinner, and he kept flipping from ESPN, to ESPN News, to FOX Sports, as he usually does. Then he just started screaming, and grabbing his head. I didn't know what the problem was, so I brought him here right away."

The doctor came out of the room after a couple of hours. "It's not pretty, but I think we have him stabilized. At times like these it's quite common for someone to experience a Super Bowl hype overexposure. In a normal NFL week, people have only 6 days to take in all the hype surrounding a game, and they have many games to choose from. But at this time of year, the condition worsens due to the 2-week layoff, the single game, and the need for networks to try and find interesting stories about it for all that time. The human body wasn't designed to handle this much of the same regurgitate hype. The Brady boot, the Manning brothers, Spygate, Belichick and Coughlin's douchiness, the undefeated season, we had heard it all by last Monday, but they're still the top headline on every show and website. We had to inject him with a 10 CC's of college basketball, and then actually cut him open and insert some MLB offseason trade news. I think he's gonna pull through."

During the recovery we were allowed to speak briefly with the man. "I'm feeling much better now. It was something around the 200th talking head that came on ESPN to talk about whether they thought Brady's injury was real or not, when something went off in my brain. It was like an explosion of boredom. I just couldn't wait to get to the game, so it could all just be over with. The doctor says I'm going to be on daily doses of NBA, and then if there's improvement I might be able to watch the last 15 minutes of a super pre-game show. Any more than that and it's likely I'll have to hear all these same stories again. I just wanna say that I love my family, and with their help I'm going to pull through this."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Nike announced today the release of the all-new 2008 Tom Brady cast. It turns out the boot he was wearing when he went into Gisele's apartment on Monday was not because of an injury, it was merely a promotional boot. This marks the first name-brand cast ever released, but many New England fans are already breaking their own legs and lining up outside Nike Outlet stores to be the first to try it on.

Nike's slogan for the boot is "Heal Your Bone Fractures Like A Champion". Basketball players are usually the only ones to have a yearly shoe released under their name, but Nike has tried several football releases in the past. There was the Morten Anderson sandal, the Steve Young Heely, and the Daunte Culpepper Croc. All utter failures.

Tom Brady's new commercial in which he states "When I sustain a class 2 stress fracture, I don't take it to the doctor or the ER. I take it to the max! With Nike!" Many Nike stores and Foot Lockers are now being inundated with injured people, as they believe that is where they should go to receive treatment.

"There isn't much we can do for them," said a frantic Foot Locker employee. "We usually just measure their foot with that weird device we have and then give them a few aspirin that the new guy Wally keeps in his pocket. Right now, I hate Tom Brady. I haven't even graduated high school, I'm not qualified to treat wounds."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

Archie Manning announced this week that he and his superstar son Peyton will appear in numerous cut-away camera shots during the upcoming Super Bowl. Archie stated that the elder Mannings are appearing as part of a Fox Sports sub-plot which will continuously make reference to the fact that the youngest Manning, who led his team to a Super Bowl berth this season, is ironically the son and brother of two much better and much more famous quarterbacks.

“I was a little disappointed last year because most of the focus seemed to be on Peyton and his on the field play.” Manning said. “Everyone expected him to be there and to play well, so they only cut away to shots of me and the rest of the family like two or three times max. But this time around we’ve had some discussions with the folks over at Fox and they’ve agreed to pan up to our skybox much more during this year. I think it will make the Super Bowl much more interesting for the average fan if they are able to see our reaction to every play that Eli makes on the field. And let's face it, Peyton and I are just much more interesting than Eli anyway, even Eli knows that.”

Respected around the league for their tireless preparation, the Mannings have been working on an updated version of their family hug that they plan to unveil on the off chance that Eli should happen to throw a touchdown pass on football’s biggest stage.
And more importantly, they have been focused on improving their looks of disappointment, dissatisfaction and all out despair so that they can utilize several different versions following each successive Eli interception, fumble or other boneheaded play. “Peyton and I are taking a realistic approach to our preparation,” Manning said, “we know there will be way more chances for us to look disappointed than excited, so that’s primarily where our focus has been. We want to be ready to give America a different reaction each time Eli screws up.”

TSC made several attempts to reach Peyton Manning for comment, but we were repeatedly informed that he was too busy filming his Super Bowl commercials to offer any response.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Police were called to the New York apartment of Gisele Bundchen after neighbors complained about loud screaming and noises coming from it. They arrived to find Patriots quarterback Tom Brady sitting on the couch crying, with a walking cast on his right foot. Gisele was in the other room watching basketball and drinking a beer in a white tanktop. Tom Brady took a minute to wipe the makeup off his face that had began to run, and asked the cops what the problem was.

"We have reports of a domestic disturbance coming from these premises," said one of the officers. "Do you know anything about that?"

"No officer," answered Brady. "I don't know where they would have gotten the idea we were fighting or anything."

"Honey! Shut your friends up! I'm trying to watch the game!" yelled Bundchen from the other room.

It was then the cops noticed the cast on Brady's foot. "Where did you get that injury, son?"

"Oh, I'm so clumsy. I fell down the stairs a little bit earlier today" replied Brady.

"What stairs? This is a one story apartment," asked the other officer looking around the place.

"Oh, yes, well we had them taken out after I fell down them," Brady shot back quickly.

"You did that today? Where would the stairs even have led to?"

"Thanks for coming over officers, but this really isn't necessary, we're very much in love." The police then took note of Brady's black eye and pointed to it. "Oh that thing? Well Gisele was only trying to explain to me, very calmly, that I should have done her laundry yesterday. She was trying to point to the calendar and show me how it was one of my 29 days of the month to do laundry, when she accidentally touched my eye a little bit."

"She hit you?" asked the first officer, very surprised.

Tom shook his head. "No, just a touch, a hard touch. She did it because she loves me so much! It only happens when she gets drunk, or angry, or when she's awake. The good times are so good, I can overlook these little episodes."

"Alright sir, if you don't want to press charges we'll be going. But be careful, will you? I've got 200 bucks riding on your game."

"God damn it! I need another beer Tom! Get in here!" yelled Gisele as the officers exited the building.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

It's a classic story for the Manning brothers. One of them is dating the hottest girl in the NFL, the Super Bowl, and then the little brother comes along and steals her away. Peyton came over to the Super Bowl's house late Sunday night with flowers, still licking the wounds from his defeat in the divisional round of the playoffs last week. But when he opened the door he found Eli making out with her on the couch. She was wearing an NFC conference championship hat.

"How could you two do this?!" yelled Peyton. "After all we've been through together. It took me years to work up the nerve to ask you out! We came so close all those times, and then we finally went out last year and it went so well! Now you go and do this, you super ####?!"

"It's not you Peyton, it's me. I just need a winner. Eli just beat the Packers in Green Bay. That is really hot. I told him to come over and talk about the win, and then one thing led to another," said the Super Bowl.

"Bro, look, I've liked the Super Bowl for a long time," said Eli. "Ever since you brought her home to meet mom and dad last year, I've wanted to ask her out. She's just so perfect and so fun. Even her commercials aren't boring, she's like the perfect girl."

"You broke my heart Super Bowl, but I'll win you back!" yelled Peyton as he ran out of the house.

Peyton has been seen since trying various tactics to win the Super Bowl back from Eli. He's gone out with the Orange Bowl to make her jealous, in which he paid 100 million to have the stadium picked up via crane and moved to the movie theater for a date. He's hired a plane to fly a "I Love You Super Bowl" banner above her home in Arizona for the past 24 hours. Today was the most daring act, as he stood outside the University Of Phoenix Stadium in the rain holding a boombox over his head playing the radio broadcast of last season's Super Bowl. "Remember the good times baby! They can be ours again!" he was heard screaming.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!