Gossip magazine TMZ broke the story today that the Boston Red Sox were seen on the town last night with a new hot young rivalry. Little is known about the new rivalry, as details from the scene were sketchy. But word has it that the Red Sox were seen partying it up in St. Petersburg with the Tampa Bay Rays until early in the morning. The New York Yankees, the rivalry the Red Sox have been married to for the past 100 years, had no comment on the report. "We don't respond to tabloid rumors," said one Yankees spokesman.

Indeed it has been bad times lately for one of Hollywood's oldest rivalries. At times this year, it seemed as if both teams just didn't have the same spark they used to have for each other, with the Yankees especially seeming disinterested in both the Red Sox, and winning. It's no wonder the Red Sox are now out on the town with the hot young Rays, who had been flirting with Boston all season. Fights, close games, and home sweeps, all left fans in the audience wondering just when these two teams would just get a room already.

Apparently they have, with the Red Sox PR director saying, "Look, we have had a great rivalry with the Yankees. We still love each other, but we've just grown apart over the last few months. We've continued to keep ourselves in great shape, while they have started to look like the Baltimore Orioles. It's disgusting, and we needed some time apart. We're not saying our rivalry is over forever, we're just gonna give this Tampa Bay thing a shot, see where it goes. We have a lot in common, and we just need to see for ourselves if maybe they would make a better rivalry. If we were meant to be, we will be again. Goodbye New York. Goodbye."

An angry Hank Steinbrenner said "Those young Tampa Bay sluts think they can break up our rivalry just because they had a couple years of sound salary management and smart pitching trades! We have worked for a century to build this rivalry up, and they can't just come in here and tear it down in a season! We'll be back together before you know it!"

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The economic woes have hit all businesses hard, but perhaps none as hard as the magazine industry. Already struggling due to drops in readership, they have had to makes changes to their very concepts. American staples, such as Time magazine, have had to cut back on how often they publish. Once known for it's weekly takes on American politics and pop culture, Time is now called "SomeTime: When We Can Afford It".

But today another famous magazine is making a title change, and that's Sports Illustrated. Famous for stunning sports photography, Sports Illustrated is being retooled as a picture-less version of itself to save on printing costs. Now called Sports Described In Text, the magazine will tell you about some of the best sports photographs from the week's action. The cover to the right is from their debut issue, and as you can see it is not as eye-catching as it was before. Reader response to the retooled magazine has not been good, with many saying that they "miss the pretty pictures". Advertisers too are not liking the new format, saying they are having a hard time getting their message across to readers. A full page ad for Bud Light read "(Picture of young white, black, Asian, and Indian friends enjoying Bud Light on a beach while tossing a football. They are having so much fun. If you could see them, you would say, wow, I wish I could have that much fun. And you can, with Bud Light.)"

Sports Illustrated tried to save their prized issue, the swimsuit edition, from having to undergo the format change, but it appears even that will have to be converted. Next year's much hyped issue was set to feature Gizelle Bunchen, whose photoshoot was taken in Bali. We here at TSC received a sample of the new described pictures, with the best one being "(Really hot picture of Gizelle in a bikini bottom and no top, covering herself with her bare hands. The water is rushing over her. This is quite possibly the hottest picture in the history of the world. If you could see it right now you would be extremely aroused.)"

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The Capital One Bowl announced today that it lacked the funds necessary to continue operating, yet the latest casualty to the flailing U.S. economy. But the government stepped in to issue a statement saying that is was bailing out the Bowl, and any others, so that these important games can go on uninterrupted. The United States Tangerine Bowl, as it will now be called, will go on as scheduled on New Year's Day, as a beacon to resilience of the American economy. It could be proceeded by the United States Peach Bowl and  followed by The United States Aloha Bowl, depending on how their finances shake out.

President Bush made a statement about the bailout to the American public on television. "My fellow Americans, today we saw one of the staples of democracy nearly fall. The Capital One Bowl is one of the 36 exciting bowl games that are all integral to this country's well-being. Our founding fathers created this country with the idea that you could sit down on the first day of the new year and be able to watch the 3rd place team from C-USA take on the 5th place team from the WAC. That is our right as free people, and that right will not be abridged on my watch. The game will still take at the same field, although it is now called U.S. Government Stadium, as we had to bail them out too. We want everyone to feel safe to book tickets to USA Orlando, as you normally would for this game, just remember that you need to look for the USA in front of the city, as we also had to buy that. As you can see, football and freedom can not be stopped."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.
• The Bengals and Cowboys are very evenly matched. Potent offense, questionable defense, superstar wide receivers, they are even tied on felonies with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones going against one another. But wait, the Bengals went out and got a leg up on criminality by acquiring Cedric Benson...They are going to take this thing.
• The Happening: Now on DVD in a director's cut edition much less #### than the one you saw in theatres!
• New York Giants- Is there any team more overrated than this one? These guys kind of suck, am I the only one who sees it?
• Sage Rosenfels is a great backup quarterback because he plays mistake free football, look for no falloff with him taking over for Matt Schaub.
• Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.
• The contest between Ravens and Titans should be an exciting one. These are two offenses waiting to bust out, look for an offensive shootout in Baltimore.
  
• Now that Matt Millen is out as the GM of the Lions, Detroit can finally play some quality football.
• Once you get up on the Redskins, they really lack the offense to be able to come back.
• That Bud Light girl can freeze my time whenever she wants...
• Well, I know it's a bit early, but I've been so impressed with the undefeated Buffalo Bills that I've already booked nonrefundable airfare and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!
• Kansas City kind of sucks, but they have to score some points at some point this season. Maybe a safety? 2 points. They have to get at least 2 points.
• A lot of people wonder just what exactly is in the state of Montana. Apparently it is comprised entirely of giant desert car testing facilities, because they have to put all those somewhere, and I've never seen one in a real state.
• The Brian Griese ex-team reunion tour continues as he is sure to pick apart a very bad Denver defense.
• Matt Cassel and Randy Moss just don't have the same chemisty that he and Brady used to have. Very sad they won't be lighting up the stat sheet anymore...

(On a side Sage Rosenfels note: Back when he played for Miami he used to offer himself for parties. You could pay and have the Dolphins third string quarterback come to your party where he would schmooze with your guests and tell them exciting stories about how he once said hello to AJ Feeley in the locker room. I can only imagine how much people would pay in Houton to get ahold of him tonight...)

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The Detroit Lions held a special surprise ceremony at halftime of their game against the Chicago Bears on Sunday. A jersey retirement ceremony was announced shortly after the team had gone to the locker room, and the crowd was left in suspense over which famous face from their past would be returning to receive the honor. As the team came back out of the tunnel, William Clay Ford, president of the Lions, called Jon Kitna up to the stage.

"Jon, you have been with this team a few years now," said Ford. "You have had quite a season so far, throwing 5 interceptions in only 4 games, and getting us to a 17-0 deficit in only 1 half of football today. But, today we have made the decision to honor one of the great former Lions players, a punter who wore the number 8 back in 1972. I don't remember his name, but he was with us for almost half that season, and punted a pretty good ball. Not great, but nothing too horrible either. In the name of, whatever his name was, we are retiring the Lions number 8 jersey today!"

Kitna looked stunned as team officials came over and stripped off his shirt, put it on a pulley, and began raising it into the rafters. Kitna grabbed the microphone and asked "But how will I play the second half without a jersey?"

"Oh, I guess you won't be able to," said Ford. "In fact, now that your jersey is retired up there in the stadium, you are going to have to be retired too. That's the rule I'm afraid."

"Can't I just get another shirt? Another number?" asked Kitna.

"No, I'm sorry son. This is the only shirt we are going to let you have. It's best if you'd leave now, we only allow paying fans in the building." Kitna sulked off the field as the crowd loudly cheered a punter they did not remember. "We may not remember this man's name," said Ford. "But he will go down as one of the great Lions of all time, as the man who saved us all from having to watch any more of the quarterbacking of Jon Kitna."

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The Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up to expectations."

Many around the country consider this an anti-climactic end to their season that culminated in an exciting race with the Mets for the wild card. But, those in Wisconsin say it was an adequate conclusion. "We knew how long they have been working to put together this team of slightly better than mediocre talent," said longtime fan Ben Williams. "And we know that they aren't going to be able to afford this massive $60 million payroll. We are almost up to 1/4 of the Yankees! This was a one year shot to make sort of impressive run, and we sure did just that. Now, it's time to blow it up and start building it again for the next quarter century. Man, I love baseball."

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Al Davis finally fired Lane Kiffin this morning, after weeks of speculation by the press that the move was forthcoming. He held a press conference to address the issue, as it had spun a bit out of control in the media in recent weeks. Davis drove his Rascal personal old person scooter up to the podium, saying he had just gotten back from a trip to the grand canyon. He came in wearing a giant Raiders jacket, because they always make it so cold in here. During the trip, he said he had a lot of time to think about the team's situation, and decided it best to let Lane go now, so that he would still have the opportunity to fire a couple more head coaches before the season ends.

Davis then pulled out a stack of mail, which apparently included a letter he sent to Lane Kiffin telling him about his decision, but it had been misplaced. Davis proceeded to begin reading each piece of mail in order to find it. After a couple hours of listening to him read bills, hate mail from Oakland fans, and special offers from Life Alert, he finally found the letter. After all that reading he was quite parched, so he called over his personal waitress that follows him around everywhere and serves him drinks like in a 60's jazz club. He got a mix of Ensure, vodka, and gin, a drink he called a "Salty Reagan".

He read the letter aloud, talking about his dislike for the loud music Lane Kiffin would play from his headphones. "An iPod volume setting over 25 will not be tolerated here," he said in stern words. "I can almost hear the music myself, and I don't share his tastes for hippy rock 'n roll. He also destroyed my lawn with his game against the Chargers last week! I spend a lot of time on that lawn, and he goes and tears it up with all those blacks he is always hanging out with on Sundays. I couldn't tolerate this behavior any longer, it was time for a change."

Al Davis then made a strange awkward face, and his personal nurse came over to see what was the matter. He whispered something into her ear, and she proceeded to lift him up onto the podium and begin to change his adult diaper. Most of those in attendance then began to vomit profusely.

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Travis Henry was arrested today on su####ion of cocaine dealing in a suburb outside of Denver. It is believed he was involved in a multikilogram cocaine transaction outside of a nightclub, but was caught by an undercover officer in the middle of the night. The arrest has surprised many in the area, mainly because more than half the children in Colorado are Travis Henry's. But also because they did not know he was peddling coke. "Well, I'm very disappointed," said longtime Broncos fan Greg Kirkman. "I've been purchasing my cocaine from a shady character downtown for years! I had no idea I could get it from one of my own Broncos! I don't care about the price! I wouldn't trust Henry to watch my kids or be alone with my wife, but I do trust him to know the very best in cocaine..."

But the news is not sitting as pretty with The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse, Denver's largest superstore for illegal drugs, and also chairs. La-Z-Boy, stardust, Ashley Furniture, blow, Kane's, rock, they have all the best brands. "We want to remind everyone that The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse has been your trusted source for all your sitting and smoking needs since 1971," they released in a statement. "Don't be fooled by all the free advertising Travis Henry is trying to stir up by being arrested. When you smoke our coke, you know you are smoking the finest Columbian imports. And it's all backed by the CNCW 100% guarantee. If you aren't 100% high after smoking our cocaine, feel free to try and figure out how a phone works when blitzed out of your skull and call us for a refund. Offer only good while high as balls."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Sorry Washington, there is no way you are beating America's football analyst bandwagon team.
• Ha ha Jets! You guys get stuck with Brett Favre, who's so old he just can't keep it up for an entire game. I bet by the second quarter he's already gassed. You guys only wish you had Aaron Rodgers, someone so durable and so accurate.
• Remember when Larry Johnson was actually good? Even the horrid Denver defense is going to be able to shut him down.
• Seriously, what's with the lamp? You can only buy 99.9% of the official Steelers team merchandise released?! You sir, are not a fan.
• The Chargers have looked decent in recent weeks, but I just don't think they have an explosive enough offense to rally in the 4th quarter.
• It will be a tough task for the Rams stadium announcing crew to keep from laughing out loud when they announce Trent Green as their starting quarterback. It will be an even tougher task to keep them from offing themselves later in the season after watching a few more games of this team.
• Frank Caliendo's Dish Network commercials, just as hilarious as his TBS show featuring sketches with an astounding 8 impersonations, 4 of which are John Madden. A show so funny even TBS said it wasn't good enough to stay on their air.
• The Titans undefeated streak will end this week when they run into the unstoppable force that is Gus Frerotte.
• With Carson Palmer out with a last-minute injury, the Bengals hand the reigns over to Ryan Fitzpatrick from Harvard. At least with a guy that smart, they won't be making too many costly mistakes...
• Come on Jacksonville, have an exciting close game for once!
• Thank you Coors Light, finally a beer bottle that turns blue to tell us when it's cold, it was way too hard to tell by touching it with our hands.

This is a joke column we run weekly here at TSC and on CBSSports.com. Some people however fail to realize that it is in fact a joke, so to check out the hilarious responses check out THIS and THIS.

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Flashbulbs went off around Shea Stadium as David Wright took one final horribly awkward swing at a pitch in the dirt, thrown by a 19-year-old September callup from the Marlins. With the strikeout, the Mets had culminated another epic collapse, providing the perfect sendoff to Shea Stadium during its final season. The fans in attendance cheered wildly, as there could not have been more fitting an end to Shea than a choke nearly as disasterous as the previous season's. The team attempted to head into the locker room, but the crowd would not stop booing until David Wright came out for a curtain call, to which they booed him even louder.

Some fans were emotional after the game, with grown men weeping about the memories they shared at Shea Stadium. "I remember the first time I came here with my father," said Dave Delucci, a lifelong Mets fan. "We watched the Mets choke a good 7 run lead away to the Braves back in '71. It was a special father-son moment I won't ever forget. Later on when he was battling cancer and his liver failed, it was like the Mets were inside that liver, failing just like they do in real life. This really was the perfect final chapter to this stadium, and to being a Mets fan."

Manager Jerry Manuel was given a 4-year contract extension, and promised even better failures in the future. "We can do better," he declared. "If you thought 7 and 1/2 games in two weeks was good last year, you ain't seen nothing yet." Diehard fans even took off chunks of the stadium to bring home...so they could burn them and never have to think about the place again.

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With the losses by four top ten teams this week, hope is still alive for all college football teams to make it into the BCS championship game. The fact that only two teams make it into the championship every year has led some to believe that a team must stay perfect to have a shot at a national title. But not this year, as nearly every team that looked unbeatable early on has taken a stumble so far in the young season.

Even lowly North Texas, somehow already 0-12 on the season, is still in the running for a BCS berth. "Well, we lost last week to something called Rice, 77-20," said head coach Todd Dodge. "The NCAA thought it was so pathetic of a showing they gave us a couple extra losses as punishment. But they were quick to reassure us that despite being 0-12, we were still in the top 20 in the BCS rankings."

"Sure, all these teams have some losses," said college football analyst Lee Corso. "But you have to look a the quality of their opponents. North Texas has 8 losses to Rice. Now, I don't know about you, but I ate some of that with some really ####y curry last week, and it was a hell of a battle at the toilet the next day. I think they're still in this thing."

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The team doctor of the New England Patriots had originally diagnosed Tom Brady with a torn ACL and MCL after his week one injury. It was thought his season might be done forever, but word out of Foxboro is that Brady might be able to return to the field as early as next month. Brady flew out yesterday to Alabama to meet with Dr. James Seuss, one of the foremost authorities on joint injuries.

"Well Mr. Brady, the news is not good," Dr. Seuss told him after taking some x-rays. "There's something in your joint, and be worried you should. Most doctors think this is a knee, but that's quite untrue to be, the rest of them all have the brains of a flea. It's actually a kneefus, and injuries to it are as rare as the baseball pitch eephus."

"Uh, so it can be fixed then?" said a skeptical Brady.

"They probably said no, but I say of course! My surgical skills are an unstoppable force! When it's a broken kneefus you've got, there's only one cure! It starts with the extract of a young Snaggleburr! From there we put in the liver of healthy Fhiqiment. It's to replace the torn parts of your broken down ligament!"

Brady agreed to the procedure, and it is scheduled to take place next week. It is the first known kneefus operation ever attempted on an NFL player, but Brady hopes it will enable him to get on the field quickly. "I am very confident in the recovery time," said Brady. "Dr. Seuss told me I would be back in a jiffy, and in the mean time while healing I'd be on drugs that gave me a mighty stiffy. So, I'm kind of excited on both accounts..."

Others are questioning the validity of Dr. Seuss, who was asked by reporters what tools he will be using in the operation to insert the Snaggleburr and the Fhiqiment. "Well, my major tool for this operation will be my imagination! It should be powerful enough to get me through any complication!" said Seuss. When they questioned what other tools he might have, maybe ones in the real world, he replied "I've also got a hammer and a philip's head screwdriver around here somewhere."

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The NHL today signed a big multi-million dollar marketing deal to become "The Official Sports League Of The NFL". The move comes as the NHL tries to remake it's image and appear less like actual hockey. After struggling on deep cable for the past few seasons, the NHL is attempting to hitch itself to the popularity of football.

"We are very excited to announce this marketing partnership," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "This continues the grand tradition of selling official items of the NFL to help boost both brands. Businesses such as Long John Silvers, The Official Fried Fish Fast Food Of The NFL, and Always, The Official Heavy Days Maxi Pad Of The NFL, have seen huge increases to sales as a result of these partnerships. When you are craving fried fish in your car, and your #### is bleeding more heavily than normal, what brands do you think of? My point exactly. How this partnership is going to work is the NHL is going to give us a great deal of money, and in exchange they will be able to run some ads during our games. We will get equal airtime during NHL broadcasts, but we told them to shove that airtime up their ####, because it is worth about as much as #### We then asked them for even more money. So, the deal seems to be working out well for the both of us."

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The recent economic downturn has meant hard times for several Major League teams. The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to use bottles balsamic vinegar instead of champagne for their playoff clinching celebration last night, resulting in many jerseys ruined and many eyes burned. But it has hit nowhere harder than the Kansas City Royals who announced today that they were going under due to financial bankruptcy. But, all is not lost as the New York Yankees have acquired the assets of the Royals for $324 dollars.

Many fans are worried what this will mean for them and the future of their team, so Hank Steinbrenner held a press conference to address their concerns. "We want to assure everyone that your team will not be going anywhere," said Steinbrenner. "We will be renaming them the Kansas City Little Yankees. Yes, it is a little insulting and degrading of a name, but not anymore so than the baseball that has been played here over the past decade. Speaking of which, we want to assure everyone that the same Kansas City baseball you have come to love will still be played here. If ever a player starts performing well, especially a starting pitcher, they will be traded to the Yankees immediately.

"We know what you people here have come to expect, and we will not stand in the way of that like some giant corporation. One of the major reasons for the financial trouble of this team has been this stadium. It's so big, and you have a giant parking lot around the thing to boot. So, we're going to sell off the parking lot land and allow you to drive in a park right on the field. This will be a little hectic for the players, but you've got to deal with some things when you're the Little Yankees..."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
• With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
• Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
• If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
• Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
• It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
• Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
• The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
• I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
• I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
• The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
• Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!

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