This will be my last post here on FoxSports.com for awhile. It's getting too tough to syndicate my stuff everyday from my site to this one and others. If you are interested in daily sports satire head to my official site and bookmark it for daily updates. Thanks for all the support you guys have given me over the past year I've been doing this, and all the ribbing as well. I'll see everyone around.

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A strange situation happened during this weekend's all-star game when Jason Kidd was traded to the Dallas Mavericks during the middle of the contest. The game, which eventually was won by the east 134-128, was proceeding as usual in the third quarter and the East had just made a steal and a fast break down the court. Ray Allen made a long pass to Dwight Howard and Jason Kidd on the other end of the floor. But just as Howard was about to take the ball up for a dunk, Kidd pulled a gun out of his shorts and aimed it at the slam dunk champion.

"Jason? What are you doing?" asked a confused Howard.

"You always knew it would come to this Dwight," said Kidd, who tore off his jersey to reveal one that said West underneath. "I can't play in this horrible conference forever. Only having one other future hall of famer on my team? I need 5 like every other West team! All you Eastern Conference players knew eventually I would have to turn on you. As Iverson and Shaq have done, I too must betray your inferior conference. Now, give me the ball."

"You won't get away with this Kidd!" said Lebron James. "Wherever you go, we will find you."

"I don't think so fools. I'll be on a team with so many good players you'll never know which one is me," answered Kidd. "The ball! Now!"

Howard handed Kidd the ball and he took it in one hand while keeping the gun fixed on everyone else with the other. "Good, now everyone just back away. Slowly. Keep those hands up!"

"Good luck over there Jason." said Dwight Howard. "But before you go, isn't there one thing you are forgetting?"

Kidd looked at Howard with a smirk. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?"

"That I'm..." Howard ripped off his jersey to reveal a cape and blue tights. "..Superman!" With that Howard grabbed the gun and bent it in half with his bare hands. He then grabbed the ball from Kidd, yelled "It's time to dunk!", and flew out through the roof of the arena. He continued to fly out of the earth's atmosphere to the Sun where he no-look-passed the ball to the Sun, who alley-ooped it, now on fire, back to Howard. He then flew back to earth, into the arena, and slammajammed the flaming ball it into the hoop. The East all-stars then gave a group high five, like at the end of a Charley's Angels episode, and the crowd went wild. Howard then used his x-ray vision to look at the all-star cheerleaders.

"I'll get you next time Howard. I'll get you next time..." said Kidd as he walked off the court with his minions of the West.

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The Council Of Men has announced they are investigating Kobe Bryant's right to continue being a male, after reports surfaced he might be sidelined for the season with a pinkie injury. The Lakers superstar's injury is actually a quite serious torn pinkie ligament, and he has shown some toughness by playing through the pain. But, the Council doesn't see it that way. "Declaring one even has an injured pinkie is an affront to men everywhere," said Council President Tom Selleck. "The only more girly injury than that would be a broken v*gina. Is that what you'll say you have next Kobe? This whole thing is just embarassing to us all."

The Council is investigating whether or not Kobe still has the right to have a p*nis after news of the injury surfaced. "We don't just give these things out to just 50% of the population," said Selleck. "You have to earn it through an intense application and screening process before birth. If we handed them out willy-nilly you'd have nothing but men running around! How much fun would that be?"

Kobe has said that the injury is extremely painful, and affects his shooting with the right hand. But the Council is not budging on it's stance that this injury is too womanly to miss playing time with. "The halls of the Man Chambers are filled with pictures of great men who have sacrificed all in the sake of manlihood. Benjamin Franklin, one of the mannest of men, cut off his own arm later in life because it was itching and he no longer wanted to scratch it. That is a man! Albeit he was kind of a drunk late in life, but that's how you deal with a problem. If he heard about Kobe and his little pinkie injury he would tell him to slice it off and get out there to play some ball. After that he would probably tell him to go pick his cotton, as he was a slave-owning racist. Then he would probably pee on his severed finger, as he was an old senile drunk. That's a man Kobe. That's a man."

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With Ryan Newman winning the Daytona 500 in exciting fashion, sports headline writer's everywhere were faced with having to come up with a pun to properly summarize the win. They all could think of one thing, and that was Newman's Own salad dressing. From several sports websites that went with the easy "Newman's Own!" headlines, to some more innovative ones like "Newman's Throne", "Newman Owns!", and "Newman's Moan". Actually that third headline might be the title of a porn we watched in the middle of research. There was one website that went with an obscure circa 1994 movie reference in the headline "Newman is Nobody's Fool", but that was the lone exception to the salad dressing punnage.

The sports pun machine has already begun to generate enormous sales for Paul Newman's natural salad dressings. "We're getting a lot of new business this morning!" exclaimed Newman in a phone interview. "We are very excited that so many sports writer's could think of only one other Newman when it came time to make up a headline. We are certainly selling a lot of this stuff. Although many #### who have called us up aren't even sure what salad dressing is. They keep asking if salad dressing is meat. We tell them no, it's sauce that goes on top of a salad. They then ask if salad is meat. We tell them that it's chopped lettuce. They then ask if lettuce is meat, and what the season is for hunting it. We tell them no, it's a vegetable. They then usually call us no good city-slickers and decide to buy it anyway, not believing us. It's a confusing time, but very good for sales."

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"Now that you're coming to the West we can do this kind of awkward touching more often!"

(AP)

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"We are now down to 49 states", announced President George Bush this morning in a speech from the Oval Office. "Apparently, over the last few weeks a new Mongolian army has sprung up in southern Canada, and they have invaded and captured the state of Montana. Somehow, Congress missed the warning signs of this happening, due to concentrating all efforts on a dual-front investigation of Roger Clemens and Spygate. This has left no time for surveillance, foreign intelligence, or defense. We are now at war with the Mongols, and there may be nothing we can do about it."

The Mongolian army was able to successfully sack Montana in about 24-hours, riding upon horses into the state capital early this morning. Despite wielding only spears and clubs, they were able to defeat the national guard of Montana due to them not being stocked with any firearms. "We were told the army's defense budget was being reallocated to sports investigations," said Lieutenant Gary Boone from the neighboring Idaho National Guard. "We have so many investigations going, and they're looking to open up a few more. I've heard whispers of the government looking into jai-alai fixing, MMA weigh-in cheating, and illegal boat construction in sailboat racing. It's a bad time to be involved with sports. Oh, and also if you live in Montana. I hear they are eating the brains of their conquered slaves right now. That's also a bad time."

The government heard about this takeover early today, but said they have more pressing issues to deal with before they can think of mounting a counter-offensive. "One of the titans of baseball could have taken steroids," said Representative Gary Waxman. "We need to hold some more non-trials to talk about this without any resolution or reprocussions. We have a lot of congressmen here who want to scold people on public television, and they need to be heard. What ever came out of Montana anyway? Trees? Trees are not America's pasttime, sports are. What makes the oxygen we breathe? Sports, and that's a scientifically proven fact. This is where our priorities are right now."

When asked what would be done about the people already under Mongolian slaveship, Waxman said, "What were they doing living way out there anyway? There are no sports teams in Montana. I talked to the Montana senators about putting a warning on the welcome sign about Mongol invasion, but they didn't listen. It's very sad, but they brought this on themselves."

The Mongols have made some demands to the government in exchange for not annexing any further territory. They want 500 pounds of raw meat, 1000 naked unshaven women, and an X-Box 360. They like Halo 3 quite a bit.

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Shaquille O'Neal has been voted into his 15th all-star game, for his exceptional sitting on a bench during the first half of the season. Shaq has been riding the pine since mid-December when he injured his hip diving for a loose ball. He's been so good at sitting on the bench, Phoenix traded two of their star players for him in a deal last week. "We know Shaq is still one of the best big men to ever sit on the sidelines," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "For a big man to be able to do the things he does over there is just amazing. Just the other day he was watching one of our games when he was able to lean behind him, while crosslegged, and grab a cup of gatorade. The table must have been 3-4 feet away from the bench, it was amazing."

Shaq was voted in by the fans after sitting on the bench better than anyone else in the league, and for two different teams. He will be on the sidelines of the Western Conference All-Stars for the entirety of the game, and may even participate in the Slam Sitting Competition. Usually only rookies and unknowns take part in the sitting exhibition, where players attempt to come up with the most innovative bench sitting styles ever seen. This year could be one of the first that has participation by one of the big names in the NBA.

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Uno, the first beagle to ever win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, was found murdered today in his posh Manhattan apartment. The young dog wowed the judges over the weekend and on Monday to claim the Best In Show award. But his life outside of dog shows was known to many as spiraling out of control. Longtime friend Mr. Pickles, a pug elaborated, "Bark bark, bark, barkitty bark woof."

Uno was often seen out at New York clubs with his posse, drinking expensive champagne from a golden bowl in the VIP area where dancers pleasured him. It was an extravagant life that many warned him could lead to an early death. "I tried to tell Uno that he had to tone down the partying," said owner Rob Thomas. "He was making a lot of enemies around town. He was gambling a lot and owed money to a lot of dogs, who would come to my home looking to collect. But Uno was often drunk between shows and would smack me around for telling him not to go out. He'd then lock me in my room and not walk me for a couple days."

The biggest debt owed by Uno was to famous cartoon dog Snoopy, who has spent his time since the demise of the Peanuts cartoon strip as a bookie in New York. Now grizzled and old, with a long beard, Snoopy runs the bets for dogs on the streets of the Big Apple. It's unknown exactly how much was owed by Uno, but estimates put the number at around $100,000. A portion of the Westminster winning money likely went to pay off this debt, but word is Uno spent a great deal of it on an expensive Porsche instead.

t's unknown who committed the murder that ultimately ended in Uno dead. The killer snuck in through an unlocked doggy door and shot the dog while he slept. Su####ion naturally shifted to Snoopy himself, but Snoopy denied any involvement, "Where your proof is cops?" said the intoxicated cartoon dog. "You see any ink around the crime scene? My hands are clean on this one ####es. This looks like a professional dog hit, I'd check with one of Michael Vick's boys or something."

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The people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"

The graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro. They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's Just Ronny Being Ronny!"

So far sales of the new Fatheads has been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008. But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.

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The Minnesota Twins were sent scrambling for a replacement for ace Johan Santana after trading him to New York last month. They couldn't get someone with his talent, so they instead got someone who looked a lot like him, in Livan Hernandez. The 1997 World Series MVP is on to a new team after spending last year with Arizona. While Santana had a mid-90's fastball, Hernandez brings a mid 60's Eephus pitch. While Johan weighed a light 200, Livan comes in at a pudgy 260.

But Twins management hopes they can fool the majority of their fans and get Hernandez into Santana's old uniform and position. "Hopefully our fans don't follow sports news," said own Carl Pohland. "I don't think that ESPN channel is received by many people, and I don't know anyone who has that internet nonsense. Hopefully we can just pit him in the uniform and people won't be able to tell it's not Johan from way up in the stands. It's not like baseball is shown on that moving picture box."

It's unknown if this gamble will pay off for Minnesota, but their ownership seems to be very aware of the state of their business.

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"Remember when we were healthy and actually had to play for this awful team?" -Gilbert Arenas

"Yeah, those were bad times. But I think my ankle is almost healthy again, I might have to start this weekend." -Caron Butler

"Hahaha, sucker. That's why I was sure to have my wife hit me several times in the knee with a bat before the season, and once before bed." -Gilbert Arenas

(AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

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Coach John Calipari has Memphis on the verge on a perfect season due to his bizarre training regimen he has called "Only Number One." The Memphis Tigers have cruised fairly easily to a 23-0 record with only 8 games to play. What has been the secret to this success? It's a program Calipari created in the offseason to make sure his team was focuses on one thing, and that was being number one.

To that end, Calipari has only allowed them to associate with things which are also number one. The only music they can listen to is the 2001 Nelly single "I Am Number One" and the only film they are allowed to watch is Titanic, the number one grossing film of all time. "The coach has our dorm TV's set up to only show that movie on repeat, on every damn channel," said frustrated guard Derrick Rose. "I like watching it on channel 33 personally. That's where ESPN used to be. If I ever see Leonardo DiCaprio in public, I'm going to punch him in the face. If it wasn't for his brilliant acting we might have been able to watch a Lord Of Rings or Pirates Of The Caribbean movie. But only the first one, coach says sequels are not allowed."

But the strangest move Calipari has made is to not even allow his team to take a number two. "It builds up strength," said Calipari at an interview. "If they can hold out, if they can only go number one from now until the end of March, we will have the team with literally the most intestinal fortitude. Come March I feel sorry for our opponents, and for the janitors, as there are going to be a lot of stopped up toilets after we cut down those nets. The second one of our players goes number two, we will go there too, so we've got to be strong."

Toilets have also been removed from dorm rooms and replaced with urinals. Some of the players have been seen in games and practices doubling over in pain due to this method, but Calipari sends over trainers to administer dairy products to them. "This is what great teams are made of," said the coach.

"I don't even like basketball anymore, I just want to ####. Please..." said Rose. So far these unorthodox tactics seems to be paying dividends for the Tigers.

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John Rocker claims that in 2000, while with the Texas Rangers, he failed both a Steroids and #### test in 2000. He says that Bud Selig, the Rangers, and other MLB officials knew about the results of the tests but did nothing to discipline them. They even helped hide the results from the public. This is quite a revelation, as it was long believed John Rocker was not an actual person, but merely a giant ####.

Having made racist, sexist, and hateful comments when a member of the Atlanta Braves, Rocker was suspended and eventually kicked off the team for being too much of a distraction. Su####ion arose around this time that no man could ever be this much of a jerk, only a giant #### would be able to be this obscene. Rocker's parents were interviewed by 60 Minutes to produce sort proof that he was not one of their own ####s that had grown out of control, but they could not provide a birth certificate or any baby pictures. When his father died in 2005, many in the media clamored to have the body examined for an ####, but the family refused to show it to anyone. "We have, uh, lost the body," said Rocker. "We had it here in the car waiting to take to the funeral home, and next thing we knew it was gone. I can't explain it, but all I can tell you is that I am not a giant ####."

But now Rocker is singing a different tune, admitting that he is not only a six foot tall ####, but also that baseball knew and did nothing. He claims that during a Spring Training seminar, both he and Alex Rodriguez were given advice on how to hide the fact they were ####s. "Try not to allow #### to come out of you unless you are in a restroom, shower contantly so they don't smell you, and don't eat Mexican food or you won't be able to control your gas," were some of the tips given to him by Bud Selig himself.

It's unknown how this latest revelation will affect baseball amidst the current steroids scandal. Congress has said to be questioning how many giant ####s are currently playing the game. "It's tainting our national pasttime," said one Senator. "It's tainting it with actual taint, and a little #### I vow we will get to the bottom of this thing. Let's get Roger Clemens in here to testify, I smell some #### on him as well."

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NASCAR is expanding it's brand this year with the debut of the all-new Marlboro Suppository Hummer racing series. This new endeavor will pit the giant tank-like vehicles against each other in a series of races. The series faces some tough battles ahead, as the estimated fuel costs for a year's worth of races are about 1000 times that of the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series. Also, there will be fewer wrecks for the fans, as the vehicles are nearly indestructable. To make the series more exciting, the tracks will all be obtuse triangles.

Today they scored a big victory in stealing away NASCAR veteran and fan favorite Jeff Gordon. "It's too easy to drive a car in a circle," said Gordon at an interview shortly after the announcement. "It's just boring going around and around. So I said, why not try something new like driving in new shapes."

The series is sponsored by the new Marlboro Suppositores. For the rough and tumble man who wants tobacco, but doesn't want to smoke or chew it. Their new graphic ad in Sports Illustrated depicts the new Marlboro man, a cowboy in ####-less chaps, getting one inserted by a hot Native American woman. "Anyone can smoke, but only real men can handle Marlboro Suppositories."

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Daniel Snyder announced over the weekend that his Washington Redskins were going to be moving in a new direction. Long he had sought to conquer the NFL and win a championship through experienced coaches and high-priced free agent acquisitions. But then he had an epiphiny. Who better to conquer the world of football than his very own supervillian? That villian was none other than famed nemesis The Zorn.

He was introduced early Monday to the public at a press conference at Redskins world headquarters. "Sure, you can win a championship through hard work and preparation," said Snyder at the podium. "But wouldn't it be a lot easier, and a lot more fun, to get the trophy through other means? What if we ransomed the world under threat of nuclear destruction for a Vince Lombardi Trophy? What if we shrunk all the other teams with a large minification ray? I present to the city of Washington and the world, the man who can make all this happen. I present to you, The Dreaded Zorn!"

The Zorn then came out among a series of boo's of unknown origin, as no one in attendance had heard of him before. "Greetings, people of earth," said The Zorn. "I am here to coach what I am told is called a football team. I don't have much interest in sports or games, but I'm told if I do well I can get these golden footballs presented before me. I am very interested in gold...and chaos...and all-around destruction of society. But gold will do."

"I am told that my henchmen will all be wearing identical maroon uniforms, and their job will be to tackle and hit the other team as hard as they can. This pleases The Zorn. It is very tough to find good henchmen these days. Many of them are non english speaking, or they want health benefits. The Zorn does not provide dental coverage."

'You may remember my work from the 1994 crisis where I attempted to solicit $3 billion dollars from the world's governments by threatening to turn the oceans into Crystal Pepsi. How was I to know that it would be such a commercial failure? The Zorn is not all-knowing. But I do know one thing, the NFL has seen nothing like I am about to unleash upon it! Fear The Zorn and his army! All who stand in our wake shall be destroyed...unless they are the Patriots, in which case we will probably lose by 50 points again. The gold and a championship will be mine! Ahahaha!"

At this point in the press conference The Zorn threw something at the ground which exploded and released a cloud of smoke. When it cleared the podium was empty. The crowd looked at each other amazed, but then Zorn popped back up from behind the stand. "We're going to need to install a trap door or something so that works next time."

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