Terrell Owens was informed today that he owes $769,120 to his old team the Philadelphia Eagles, as his divorce from them has finally gone through. The former Hollywood power couple, dubbed Terreagles by the media, was the "It" couple all through 2004. They appeared on lists of the hottest young couples, attended all the major movie premieres and parties. They had several human-eagle mutant children, that were a medical miracle at the time. It's unknown how Owens was able to mate with an actual eagle, or why he would even try, but the photos of the babies went for millions of dollars to Star magazine. One adorable photo sticks in everyone's mind, that of Owens regurgitating some chewed up vegetables into the beak of his daughter.

But some time in 2005, the relationship started to sour. Many rumors circulated as to what the trouble in paradise was. Many believed the Eagles wanted some more children, and maybe even a championship, something Owens wasn't ready to give them. Others believe he started secretly dating Tony Romo, when the two appeared together in a Right Guard commercial. Whatever the case, the two divorced a mere 7 games into the 2005 season. With Owens not having filed a pre-nup, the Eagles began litigation to receive half of his earnings as well as child support for their mutant children, who have to attend a special private school for genetic abominations.

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Terrell Owens new emotional persona was unveiled Sunday following the Dallas Cowboys 21-17 loss to the New York Giants. He cried at a post-game press conference, telling reporters to leave Tony Romo alone about his vacation he took the week before. "He's my quarterback," said a sobbing Owens, "I love him. I love this team. I won't let you guys make fun of one of my best friends. Just yesterday we were out at the Soda Shoppe, sharing a sarsaparilla float and discussing the gameplan. We are both dedicated to this team and this game. He came up with a series of charts with plays we should call in certain situations to get ready. I wrote a poem about how we were going to beat the Giants with our hearts and our minds, and read it to the team before the game. I think both helped a lot."

While many people lauded his new emotional personality after the game, his teammates were left wondering what happened to the self-centered jerk they had come to know as T.O. His new soft personality has translated to soft on the field play as well. After Tony Romo threw an interception in the second half, Owens had the only play at tackling him before the ball was run back. But instead of wrestling him to the ground, Owens merely touched him with his hand. "I totally tagged him. He was out," said Terrell after the game. "He should have gone down right there, or he had to at least freeze. It may have been my fault for not checking with him before the game if we were playing freeze or TV tag. Some people wanted me to tackle him apparently, but that just doesn't seem very nice."

Another play had Owens let a ball sail through his hands in the endzone after the cornerback covering him fell to the ground. "It wouldn't have been fair to him if I caught that ball after he tripped. He would have been so embarrassed! By golly gee, I'm not a meany head like the rest of you!" With a chance to take a lead late in the ballgame, Jason Witten stumbled when he stepped in the flower garden Terrell had planted in the endzone before the game. Witten could be seen mouthing "#### these petunias" on national TV. Owens had to sit out the next several plays in order to replant the flowers that had been disturbed.

It's unknown what brought on this sudden personality change for the Cowboys' star receiver, but most of the team want the old unruly Owens, and his good on-field play, back.

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Tony Romo has announced to the team they will need to give backup QB Brad Johnson some extra work in practice this week, as he will be unable to make the 3rd quarter of Sunday's playoff game. After going to Mexico with Jessica Simpson last weekend during the bye, Romo says he has booked a Caribbean cruise that leaves during the 3rd quarter of this week's game.

An angry Dallas press core cornered Tony and demanded answers for his not caring about the success of the team. "We've all got to have priorities in life," said Romo in the locker room after practice. "Have you guys seen The Dukes Of Hazzard? Did you see those shorts? Those are my priorities." The press then admitted they did remember the shorts. They then told him good luck, and to hit that once for all of Dallas.

Brad Johnson was very enthusiastic about his chance to start half a playoff game. "I'm glad Tony is happy with Jessica. It's a little known fact that I actually set them up together. I had no idea something like this would happen...Alright, I did know it. I've seen the pictures of her in a bikini like you all have. You know what? I'm going to call my travel agent and see if there are any other spots available on that cruise as well."

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By Contributing Writer Matt Webb

“I’m sick of feeling all warm and fuzzy inside,” said a concerned Terrell Owens at his press conference in Dallas today, “It’s unfair to me, and it’s unfair to all those people out there who have grown to despise me and my antics over the years. I’m doing this for them.”

Owens called the press conference to address his team’s current success and his apparent transformation into a team-player willing to check his attitude and ego at the locker-room door. At 11-1, the Cowboys seem to have excellent team chemistry and appear to be on their way to their first Super Bowl appearance since 1996. While this is certainly good news for the Cowboy nation, it’s troubling for Owens, who is beginning to get “all creeped out” by the “lovey-dovey ####” that is accompanying his team’s rise to the top. “During last week’s game I made an unbelievable catch in the endzone, and as I was running back to the bench one of my teammates slapped me on the back and said “nice catch, T.O.” He said it just like he knew me or something. I couldn’t believe it.” It was this and similar incidents that has Owens fearing that some of his Cowboy teammates may actually be warming up to him. “I mean just because I don’t yell at my teammates on the sidelines or sit by myself sulking at the end of the bench doesn’t mean that I actually want to be friends with any of these people.”

In his remarks today, Owens made it clear that he had no intention of accepting a friendship bracelet offered to him by teammate Jason Witten, and that he is officially declining an invite to Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett’s slumber party after the Eagles game. Owens was also quick to dispel reports of a possible friendship brewing between himself and Cowboys signal caller Tony Romo, whom Owens said has a smile so big that it “haunts my dreams at night.” “Romo’s a decent quarterback,” said Owens, “and he’s figured out he should throw me the ball, but that doesn’t mean I’m in love with the guy. Last week during film session he passed me a note that said “Will you be my friend? Check Yes or No” What is that?!?! He must have me confused with (Tampa Bay Bucs QB) Jeff Garcia or something.”

In an effort to earn his reputation back, Owens committed to less smiling, laughing, and joking around with his teammates for the remainder of the season. “I like winning and all, but not if it means I have to start getting along with people. Make no mistake, I’m still the same jerk I’ve always been.”

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We needed an excuse to run this picture of Terrell Owens having sex with the ground, and now we have it. Tonight will be the epic matchup of the only two teams in the NFC who have played well enough to be called good, and the game will be shown only to a very few number of people due to it being on the NFL Network. We have investigated the issue, and the only people who actually get the NFL network are subscribers of Makarikicast Cable in ####ladesh. The reason for this are the high prices the NFL wants to charge American cable carriers to put the channel in its basic lineup, along with a few other demands, which the league feels are justified.

"We have asked for a few simple things from cable companies here in the US, and they refuse to budge," said an NFL spokesman. "We want 76 cents per subscriber, which we feel is reasonable. Plus we asked that they let us have the first night with any of their wives immediately after marriage. Also, we want yearly donations of corn and other crops from their harvests. But for some reason they don't want to budge."

If you really want to see the game tonight you will have to book a ticket to a ####ladeshian sports bar and hope there is no cricket being played. The league spokesman elaborated, "Our fans in ####ladesh are some of the most loyal and devoted ones out there. What better game to show them than America's Team vs America's Favorite QB? It's really a tribute to the ####ladeshian spirit. Who would want to watch this game here in the States anyway? Maybe now all of you who are complaining about this game can take up a hobby such as whittling, or maybe go out and look in to trading your truck in for one of those adorable Volkswagon Bugs."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• While McNabb may be up and down with his on-the-field play during his career, at least he remains healthy every season.
• Carson Palmer is going to go crazy this week in Arizona, and has vowed to throw 4 TD passes, but he did not specify to which team.
• The Miami Dolphins humiliation tour will end with a stop in Philadelphia. There is no way they can lose to ex-Dolphin bust A.J. Feeley. They've already fallen to former busts Daunte Culpepper and Sage Rosenfels. If they can somehow add a game with Chicago, they can complete the gauntlet by losing one the Brian Griese as well.
• I wish I had a job where I drew on a whiteboard all day, illustrating shipping procedures like that guy on the UPS commercials. He doesn't have a care in the world obviously, as he has grown a mullet the size of which hasn't been seen North of Georgia. That's not just a mullet, that's a mullet with UPS.
• Sometimes a wide receiver throws a pass on a trick play, sometimes it happens twice in a game, but hardly ever do their 2 passes look better than every complete game thrown by your starters the entire season. Vikings, please tell me your QB coach is not making more than $5 dollars per week.
• NBC Execs- "We have chosen the one game that will be kept close against New England for the rest of the season! Glad we moved the game to tonight, these will be some great ratings!"
• Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are about done in their careers. There isn't too much left in the tank.
• The secret behind that Verizon Wireless commercial where the dad with way too gray hair tells everyone in his family they are his number one while being a general #### and wearing a sweater vest: That crowd outside his house is not his "network", they are lynching mob who've assembled to kill him for being annoying beyond description.
• When you can lose your first 8 games and still have a shot at winning the division or you can be the Denver Broncos and be in first place, you aren't playing in real divisions. Can we separate the west from the rest of the United States so they can have their own league of crappiness?
• Reasons I'm picking Detroit and New Orleans to go far in the post-season: they can really put some points on the board.
• In case anyone hasn't heard, and if so where have you been, under a rock or something? The McRib is back! Despite McDonald's announcing last year they were having a farewell tour for the sandwich and it will never return, it is here once again. I, of course, was camped outside a McDonald's the night before waiting for it to open so I could get the first one. I then learned the McDonald's was open 24-hours. Damn it. So where has the McRib been all this time? Maybe visiting Germany, the one place where it is sold year round, which means Germany is the closest approximation to Heaven on earth.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."

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