Reporters from the Boston Herald have formally retracted their February report about Matt Walsh taping the St. Louis Rams walkthrough in 2001 before their Super Bowl matchup with the New England Patriots. But in a town such as Boston, that alone was not enough. The 3 sports section reporters who collaborated on the story were blind-folded and abducted from their homes in the middle of the night by mindless #### clone soldiers, also known as Patriots fans. When the blindfolds were removed, they were in the middle of Boston Common on their knees, standing before the entire New England Patriots roster dressed in their full uniforms.

The team parted slowly as the Dark Lord Chancellor Bill Belichick made his way from behind them to stand before the 3 journalists. "You have betrayed the power of the dark side," Belichick told them. "As residents of Boston you must remain ever loyal to the dark powers that rule here. You can not question the Red Sox massive payroll which is only slightly less than that of the Yankees, you must continue to paint them as lovable scrappy underdogs. You can not question my prickishness when I choose to give Tony Dungy a running high five instead of stopping to shake his hand. You can not try to imply that Ray Allen is too #### to be considered a part of the Celtics Big Three, the Big Two sounds incredibly less cool."

"But Chancellor, we were not questioning the greatness of your team when we did the article, we just wanted to find out the truth about the taping," said the reporter who wrote the piece. Belichick raised his right hand and lightning surged out from it and electrocuted the man. The other reporters turned their heads away as he screamed and fell to the ground in a pile of smoking ash. Tedy Bruschi then released the chain from the neck of rabid placekicker Stephen Gostkowski, who ran and began devouring the remains of the man.

"This is what happens to those who oppose the Patriots, you get eaten by a 190-pound man from Mississippi," continued Belichick. "I hope the rest fo you have learned your lessons and will not oppose the power of the dark side again. If we are united, we will once again rule the NFL universe."

But then from out of nowhere, Tony Dungy and Yoda appeared from behind the crowd of fans and cut the reporters loose with their lightsabers. "Hurry! Get out of here! We'll hold them off!" yelled Dungy to the men, who began scrambling out of the park. A large CGI-rendered battle ensued, and we at TSC would like to tell you what happened, but no one really cared what happened because everyone looked like a cartoon character.

By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

Archie Manning announced this week that he and his superstar son Peyton will appear in numerous cut-away camera shots during the upcoming Super Bowl. Archie stated that the elder Mannings are appearing as part of a Fox Sports sub-plot which will continuously make reference to the fact that the youngest Manning, who led his team to a Super Bowl berth this season, is ironically the son and brother of two much better and much more famous quarterbacks.

“I was a little disappointed last year because most of the focus seemed to be on Peyton and his on the field play.” Manning said. “Everyone expected him to be there and to play well, so they only cut away to shots of me and the rest of the family like two or three times max. But this time around we’ve had some discussions with the folks over at Fox and they’ve agreed to pan up to our skybox much more during this year. I think it will make the Super Bowl much more interesting for the average fan if they are able to see our reaction to every play that Eli makes on the field. And let's face it, Peyton and I are just much more interesting than Eli anyway, even Eli knows that.”

Respected around the league for their tireless preparation, the Mannings have been working on an updated version of their family hug that they plan to unveil on the off chance that Eli should happen to throw a touchdown pass on football’s biggest stage.
And more importantly, they have been focused on improving their looks of disappointment, dissatisfaction and all out despair so that they can utilize several different versions following each successive Eli interception, fumble or other boneheaded play. “Peyton and I are taking a realistic approach to our preparation,” Manning said, “we know there will be way more chances for us to look disappointed than excited, so that’s primarily where our focus has been. We want to be ready to give America a different reaction each time Eli screws up.”

TSC made several attempts to reach Peyton Manning for comment, but we were repeatedly informed that he was too busy filming his Super Bowl commercials to offer any response.

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Police were called to the New York apartment of Gisele Bundchen after neighbors complained about loud screaming and noises coming from it. They arrived to find Patriots quarterback Tom Brady sitting on the couch crying, with a walking cast on his right foot. Gisele was in the other room watching basketball and drinking a beer in a white tanktop. Tom Brady took a minute to wipe the makeup off his face that had began to run, and asked the cops what the problem was.

"We have reports of a domestic disturbance coming from these premises," said one of the officers. "Do you know anything about that?"

"No officer," answered Brady. "I don't know where they would have gotten the idea we were fighting or anything."

"Honey! Shut your friends up! I'm trying to watch the game!" yelled Bundchen from the other room.

It was then the cops noticed the cast on Brady's foot. "Where did you get that injury, son?"

"Oh, I'm so clumsy. I fell down the stairs a little bit earlier today" replied Brady.

"What stairs? This is a one story apartment," asked the other officer looking around the place.

"Oh, yes, well we had them taken out after I fell down them," Brady shot back quickly.

"You did that today? Where would the stairs even have led to?"

"Thanks for coming over officers, but this really isn't necessary, we're very much in love." The police then took note of Brady's black eye and pointed to it. "Oh that thing? Well Gisele was only trying to explain to me, very calmly, that I should have done her laundry yesterday. She was trying to point to the calendar and show me how it was one of my 29 days of the month to do laundry, when she accidentally touched my eye a little bit."

"She hit you?" asked the first officer, very surprised.

Tom shook his head. "No, just a touch, a hard touch. She did it because she loves me so much! It only happens when she gets drunk, or angry, or when she's awake. The good times are so good, I can overlook these little episodes."

"Alright sir, if you don't want to press charges we'll be going. But be careful, will you? I've got 200 bucks riding on your game."

"God damn it! I need another beer Tom! Get in here!" yelled Gisele as the officers exited the building.