The NFL has announced that no new information had been obtained from former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh following his interview with Roger Goodell over the weekend. The most scandalous part of the tapes shown before Goodell's news conference talking about the findings had nothing to do with stealing signals, it was several minutes of close-ups of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders performing during a 2002 game.

While the NFL says they have no more leads on where to investigate the Patriots alleged taping of the St. Louis Rams pre-Super Bowl walkthrough, they will be amping up an in-depth investigation of the cheerleaders. "Wow, just wow..." said Goodell. "I had no idea this kind of dancing was taking place on the sidelines of NFL games. I have spent many hours, alone, reviewing this footage and I must say that I am appalled...and having trouble holding anything in my right hand. If you catch my drift fellas..." He then took a sip from a brandy snifter. "God damn, that's good. Makes a man feel warm inside."

As he lit up a cigar and took a long puff he continued, "Look, the American people have been clamoring for a public investigation into the evidence on these tapes. I say we've shown them enough boring hand signals called into the sidelines by middle aged men. I say we need to have an investigation into these girls. Where do they shower after games, what scent of body wash do they use, and what exactly does it look like during this shower? Eh? Am I right fellas?" The male members of the press in attendance gave a few hoots and hollers, while 2 of the few female journalists walked out of the room. "There are just so many unanswered questions about this whole thing. "Do they lather each other or just rub themselves alone? I am shocked at all this, and just want to get to the bottom of it like the rest of you. I vow that I will not rest until we are watching these Charger girls bathing on national television, so we can make sure they aren't hiding anything anywhere on their bodies."