I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.
• The Bengals and Cowboys are very evenly matched. Potent offense, questionable defense, superstar wide receivers, they are even tied on felonies with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones going against one another. But wait, the Bengals went out and got a leg up on criminality by acquiring Cedric Benson...They are going to take this thing.
• The Happening: Now on DVD in a director's cut edition much less #### than the one you saw in theatres!
• New York Giants- Is there any team more overrated than this one? These guys kind of suck, am I the only one who sees it?
• Sage Rosenfels is a great backup quarterback because he plays mistake free football, look for no falloff with him taking over for Matt Schaub.
• Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.
• The contest between Ravens and Titans should be an exciting one. These are two offenses waiting to bust out, look for an offensive shootout in Baltimore.
  
• Now that Matt Millen is out as the GM of the Lions, Detroit can finally play some quality football.
• Once you get up on the Redskins, they really lack the offense to be able to come back.
• That Bud Light girl can freeze my time whenever she wants...
• Well, I know it's a bit early, but I've been so impressed with the undefeated Buffalo Bills that I've already booked nonrefundable airfare and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!
• Kansas City kind of sucks, but they have to score some points at some point this season. Maybe a safety? 2 points. They have to get at least 2 points.
• A lot of people wonder just what exactly is in the state of Montana. Apparently it is comprised entirely of giant desert car testing facilities, because they have to put all those somewhere, and I've never seen one in a real state.
• The Brian Griese ex-team reunion tour continues as he is sure to pick apart a very bad Denver defense.
• Matt Cassel and Randy Moss just don't have the same chemisty that he and Brady used to have. Very sad they won't be lighting up the stat sheet anymore...

(On a side Sage Rosenfels note: Back when he played for Miami he used to offer himself for parties. You could pay and have the Dolphins third string quarterback come to your party where he would schmooze with your guests and tell them exciting stories about how he once said hello to AJ Feeley in the locker room. I can only imagine how much people would pay in Houton to get ahold of him tonight...)

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
• With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
• Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
• If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
• Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
• It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
• Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
• The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
• I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
• I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
• The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
• Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!

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Jon Gruden sat at his home computer with a smile on his face as he clicked reload and watched the minutes tick down on his bid for Brett Favre on eBay. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach had been watching the auction for weeks, when Favre was listed by the Green Bay Packers for the starting bid of 1 dollar. Towards the beginning of the auction, it looked like either PackinHard4Life or Wisconsinprincess6969 would land Favre after a brutal bidding war. But once the price went about 70 bucks, neither could stay in the race. That was when Gruden put in his bid of $14 million in hopes of adding the superstar to his prized quarterback collection.

Gruden has over 300 old quarterbacks in his home, that he hopes can one day contribute to a championship. When we entered his large estate we found a foyer with Super Bowl winning QB Brad Johnson encased in a plastic case in the middle, presumably to preserve him. As we passed him, with Gruden leading us to his computer room, Johnson begged for water and said not to let Gruden hit him with "the happy stick". We didn't know what that meant, but it sounded fun. We kept walking and passed the Hall Of Quarterbacks, as Gruden called it, where Gannon, Garcia, Plummer, and others were being held.

When we got to the computer, Gruden showed us the bid he had in for Favre, and says he frequently bids on any QBs that appear on the site, but only if they are over 30. "Now, I know a near mint condition Favre sounds like a steal at $14 million, but it's the $6 million shipping that really gets you," said Gruden. "But, that's eBay for you. Once I have him, my collection will be the greatest in the world. I'm going to take some time off in the Fall to tour with the collection in the QB convention circuit. No point in being a collector if you aren't going to show them off."

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Hello everyone, I want to announce here my very first video post. You all usually know me for fake sports news I post on here semi-regularly, but below is my first attempt at doing something visual. It's an interview with Brett Favre where he denies being tampered with by the Minnesota Vikings. It's pretty darn funny, in my humble opinion. Try to ignore the shoddy production values and let me know what you think! Be gentle, it's my first attempt....

The Brett Favre story took more twists and turns over the weekend as Favre was told by Packers GM Ted Thompson to stay away from their facilities until he could work something out. Favre told Thompson he has until Wednesday to work something out, or he will put in his reinstatement papers to the league. This story has gripped the nation over the past month and a half, with ESPN even launching their new channel, ESPN Favre yesterday. The new channel covers all the latest happenings in the world of Favre with specials, breaking news, interviews, and a nightly broadcast of their flagship program Favrecenter.

Universal Pictures has said to have acquired the rights to the Favre retirement story from Brett himself. Peter Jackson, director of Lord Of The Rings, has said to be signed on to adapt to story into an epic trilogy called "The Favre: Redemption: Battle For Shadow Tundra: This Time It's Personal." Jackson is excited about the project, not only because it is the longest titled movie of all time, but because it is a story with so much drama.

"I see this as one of the great stories of all time," said Jackson. "It's about a battered and worn avenger, who has given his all to his superiors. But then when he wants to come back for another year, after stringing them along for two straight offseasons and handing the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl in overtime, they for some unknown reason tell him no."

"The first film in the TFRBFST3IP saga will be about Favre as a boy, learning the art of quarterbacking from a wise but dangerous dark QB master, exiled from the NFL for throwing a pass so hard it took off a man's head. Brett has to battle the power of dark quarterbacking, to eventually destroy his mentor in a brutal punt, pass, and kick competition. I watched my 7 year old son do one of these last year, and let me tell you, they can get really intense."

"The second film is a story about his rise to power and his reign as King Lord Bishop of Wisconsin. There will be a lot of time spent in his famous ice castle, where he directs the wars against the various continental powers such as the Viking people to the North and the great Bears and Lions to the east. We're thinking up some epic battle scenes for this thing, imagine Chronicles Of Narnia meets Tron."

"The third film will focus on Favre's attempted comeback, and all the events that have happened recently. A young evil prince named Sir Rodgers will attempt to take his kingdom in a vicious coup. From a small village in Mississippi, Brett will attempt to rally the land to his side with the help o####ypsy woman named Gretta Van Sustren. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but we're thinking about a lightsaber duel with the Arch-Demon Ted Thompson in the Training Fortress Of Infinity. This trilogy is going to be a wild ride, that's for sure."

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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Inspired by the new Hulk movie coming out this summer, in which they attempt to ignore the horrible original and reboot the character with a new origin, the Oakland Raiders are asking to do the same thing. "If you can do a remake in movies, you should damn well be able to do them in football," said Raiders owner Al Davis. "What we want to do here is replay the 2003 Super Bowl. That game just wasn't well liked by the fans, especially in Oakland, because it was such a massive blowout. We propose recasting the teams and shooting the whole thing over again. We've got a new quarterback in Jamarcus Russell as our star, and I really think he's going to help us make people forget about the original."

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers declined comment on the matter saying only, "We are not going to entertain the possibility of this game being remade. The original game is beloved by longtime fans everywhere, we feel that trying to update the game for the current times would be detrimental to it's message. The game of football was much simpler back then, trying to add in all the new technology like lazer targeting, cyber passing, and holographic kickers would only make it a shadow of what the original was."

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By Contributing Writer Matt Webb

“I’m sick of feeling all warm and fuzzy inside,” said a concerned Terrell Owens at his press conference in Dallas today, “It’s unfair to me, and it’s unfair to all those people out there who have grown to despise me and my antics over the years. I’m doing this for them.”

Owens called the press conference to address his team’s current success and his apparent transformation into a team-player willing to check his attitude and ego at the locker-room door. At 11-1, the Cowboys seem to have excellent team chemistry and appear to be on their way to their first Super Bowl appearance since 1996. While this is certainly good news for the Cowboy nation, it’s troubling for Owens, who is beginning to get “all creeped out” by the “lovey-dovey ####” that is accompanying his team’s rise to the top. “During last week’s game I made an unbelievable catch in the endzone, and as I was running back to the bench one of my teammates slapped me on the back and said “nice catch, T.O.” He said it just like he knew me or something. I couldn’t believe it.” It was this and similar incidents that has Owens fearing that some of his Cowboy teammates may actually be warming up to him. “I mean just because I don’t yell at my teammates on the sidelines or sit by myself sulking at the end of the bench doesn’t mean that I actually want to be friends with any of these people.”

In his remarks today, Owens made it clear that he had no intention of accepting a friendship bracelet offered to him by teammate Jason Witten, and that he is officially declining an invite to Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett’s slumber party after the Eagles game. Owens was also quick to dispel reports of a possible friendship brewing between himself and Cowboys signal caller Tony Romo, whom Owens said has a smile so big that it “haunts my dreams at night.” “Romo’s a decent quarterback,” said Owens, “and he’s figured out he should throw me the ball, but that doesn’t mean I’m in love with the guy. Last week during film session he passed me a note that said “Will you be my friend? Check Yes or No” What is that?!?! He must have me confused with (Tampa Bay Bucs QB) Jeff Garcia or something.”

In an effort to earn his reputation back, Owens committed to less smiling, laughing, and joking around with his teammates for the remainder of the season. “I like winning and all, but not if it means I have to start getting along with people. Make no mistake, I’m still the same jerk I’ve always been.”

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
• John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
• Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
  
• Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
• The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
• I picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
• Is there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience likes.
• I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
• Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
  
• That commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
• Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
• The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
  
• Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The Patriots have looked amazing so far this season, but they always struggle against Miami. That defense is just too good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• I'm gonna be glued to my TV for the offensive battle of the week: Raiders-Chiefs. These offenses are so explosive, the entire bay area might be blown off the map.
• It would be great if Kid Nation really featured kids trying to make their own society, instead of CBS telling them what to do. They would kill each other over cookies, the largest kid would become a quasi-dictator who would give an extreme wedgie to anyone who challenged him, and the boys and girls would splinter off and war over a disease ravaging the town, a disease known as cooties.
• Damn it, I need a bye-week kicker for my fantasy team. Who's available? Rob Bironas? Who the hell is that? I'll take Olindo Mare instead, that Saints offense is great.
• The Byron Leftwich era will last a long long time in Atlanta.
• Tampa Bay has won so far because of the mistake-free play of Jeff Garcia. Look for them to take down Detroit in a similar fashion.
• 
• In a secret lab owned by Sprint, somewhere deep below the surface, Peyton Manning is forced to wear a suit and keep his hand over a yellow egg floating in bioluminescent goo. This has something to do with football and trivia, but we have yet to find out what.
  
• Rudi Johnson is out for Cincinnati? They are finished.
• Tavares Jackson may not be a great quarterback at this time in his career, but at least he's accurate.
• Is there any prison built that can hold in two bald identical-looking male models? Apparently not, somehow Prison Break has been on for 3 seasons now.

SportsComedian.com

It was announced Tuesday that Michael Bennett has been traded from the Kansas City Chiefs to the Tamba Bay Buccaneers for likely a second-day draft pick.

Bennett, a first-round draft choice by Minnesota out of the University of Wisconsin in 2001, went on the trading block when the Chiefs activated Priest Holmes to the active roster. Holmes, a former Pro Bowler who set a NFL record by scoring 27 touchdowns during the '03 season, is attempting a comeback after missing the last two years with a neck injury.

Meanwhile, Bennett will have a shot at a comeback of his own. After starting all 16 games and rushing for 1,296 yards and five touchdowns during the '02 season with the Vikings, Bennett has rushed for just 1,448 and five TDs the last five seasons combined. He signed with the Chiefs as a free agent in March '06.

Bennett will be the fourth Bucs starting running back of the season, after Cadillac Williams and Michael Pittman both went down in consecutive weeks with season-ending injuries. It was not made public how Bennett plans to avoid sustaining a serious injury like the rest of the RBs that have come before him, but we at The Sports Comedian have DISCOVERED A BID on a piece of safety equipment that might just be from Mr. Bennett's account.