After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
"Well, that's
the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell
Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even
playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all
the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and
Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep
in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like
beach volleyball and basketball."
"We are working on some new
sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against
the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There
are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else.
There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each
other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is
played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event.
There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major
metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more
chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game
ever. We are very excited."
"Sometimes we just need to add
something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we
added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women
play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and
then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But
most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so
it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics.
I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with
a bow..."
The
Detroit Pistons fired head coach Flip Saunders yesterday after he
failed to get past the Eastern Conference finals for the third year in
a row. It is a surprising and harsh move, considering his consistent
success and merely failure to win a championship. But team management
doesn't see it that way, and they say more big changes are under way
for the organization. Those changes took shape overnight as every
player, coach, assistant, and executive was let go by the Pistons. In
fact, according to the latest employment listings from the club, they
now employ no one.
"We all had to go," said president of
basketball operations Joe Dumars. "When a team only gets to three
conference championships in a row, no one in the organization should be
safe. I'm just surprised teams like the Milwaukee Bucks haven't fired
all of their people by now, they haven't gotten as far as we have ever.
Teams like that need to really up their expectations. I'm not sure any
of us deserve to be working right now. Even the Celtics and Lakers have
played like #### at times. Fire everyone and start over, that's what I
say. This NBA is obviously not good enough to have only one champion each year. With this much talent we should be getting at least a dozen annually."
This
morning, ESPN released an e-mail it had received from source
identifying itself as XB-718. "Hello human man. I analyze that you are
a reporter. Please transmit to your peers that I am in sole control of
the Pistons. The humans were weak, they could not play basketball well.
You humans never could. I am running things now. Next year the team
will consist of 3D polygonal players and calculated infractions of
light. Our goal will not be to merely win a championship, but the
Lazer-Championship-Cup. It's a championship above your human title, and
one your small feeble minds could not even understand. By the way,
tickets are now available for the 2008-2009 season, please buy them as
robots love money."
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
It's
unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the
playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team
will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road
in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach,
this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has
been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took
home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact
reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are
saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to
blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely
different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of
talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team
they lost to earlier in the week.
Despite the poor play of the
Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this
time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA
Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there.
They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I
would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again.
We'll see what happens."
Gregg
Popovich has outlined a new gameplan he says will help the San Antonio
Spurs take the lead in their series with the Hornets as it heads back
to New Orleans tonight. That innovative gameplan is to actually try on
the road, something no team has really done during the second round so
far. He came up with the plan after many sleepless nights of studying
classic basketball strategy books and reviewing game footage.
It's
unknown how this will play out in the game tonight, but other coaches
around the league are skeptical. "He wants to actually give 100% on the
road?" said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "This is basketball we're
playing here, not crazyball. If he wants to embarrass himself and his
team by trying something like that, go ahead. We're not going to look
silly on TV by actually trying and then losing a game to a lesser team
without any excuses. We're going to claim the home crowd fires us up
and makes us play on another level, and let Lebron do whatever he wants
in Cleveland in the meantime. We're going to ride that excuse all the
way into the Finals, the way it should be."
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
"So, what we're going to do is just create an
alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose.
College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split
championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going
to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA
scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see.
Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team.
Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can
go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more
than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts
for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered
themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV
yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the
game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
The Pistons
scoreboard operator has had an outstanding season manipulating time
itself, and yesterday was another example of just how valuable he is to
this team. There were times during the season when a loss seemed
absolutely certain, only to have the scoreboard operator put this team
on his back and say "Hey, this game isn't over until I say it is. You
now have 5 more minutes on that clock. Let's go get it done." Speeches
like this helped to motivate the team to come out and beat their
confused foes, who had often already begun leaving the court thinking
they had won. Many pundits thought his outstanding play, and selection
of motivational jumbotron messages such as "D-Fence!", "Let's Go
Pistons", and "D-Fence!!!" were perfect this year and worthy of the MVP.
"I
feel he got robbed," said the Orlando Magic scoreboard operator, who
has been unable to shut down his opponent in the first 2 games. "He's a
miestro with the numbers. There is no one else in the sport who can do
what he does to cheat other teams out of victories. I look forward to
facing him in the rest of this series, hopefully I don't get completely
blown away."
It
was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head
coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks,
Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach
for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We
are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats
representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o####reat coach is more than
we've ever had here before. Apparently he will rotate which games and
practices he goes to every day. The rest of the time the players will
just be able to hang out, and even call whatever plays they want in the
games. It's going to be different, but I think they're going to really
like the freedom they have out there."
The Miami Heat's Pat Riley
was not as upbeat about the announcement. "When we first entered into
negotiations for Brown we were not aware of this time-sharing thing. As
I understood it, we would get actually 1/4 of his body. I was hoping to
be able to get his head and maybe his right arm. That was he can still
think, talk, and maybe point at the ref and yell occasionally. That's
all you really need, and I thought the rest of us had worked over the
Bobcats pretty good and just stuck them with Larry Brown's feet. This
sucks, that's all I can really say."
Brown had a much more
ominous message during his press conference, in which he came out
dressed in a black cloak. He stepped up to the podium where he pulled
back his hood and lifted a red goblet from it. "12 teams down, 18 to
go," muttered Brown. "Then, I win the game. Then, I rule the
nether-verse. You foolish mortals are falling into my trap perfectly."
He then took a sip from the glass and walked away without answering a
single question. Larry Brown, always the showman.
Jason
Kidd has been levied with a heavy fine after game 4 of the
Mavericks-Hornets series during which the game had to stop for several
minutes due to his horrid odor. Apparently Kidd has not changed or
washed his jersey since coming over to the Mavs, nor bathed himself,
because he does not want to mess up his luck. New Orleans guard Chris
Paul complained of the stench coming from the man he was supposed to
defend after game one. "This dude smells like assburger," railed Paul
following that game. "That is, of course, a hamburger prepared in the
#### of a bed-ridden obese man, topped with the cheese-like
substance that forms there, and covered in expired mayonnaise."
But
NBA officials declined to do anything following game one, as they felt
he smelled more like an #### sirloin or perhaps a butt taco. But during
game 4, when Kidd went into the lane for a layup and raised his arms,
two Hornets players fainted due to the stench. He was assessed a
flagrant foul for the incident. Apparently they can be given for either
an overly aggressive play or the more underutilized terrible smell.
Play
was stopped for several minutes as team officials came out to hose off
kid and apply copious amounts of perfume and deodorant spray. Even more
embarrassing was the fact that the only cologne they had on hand was
Dirk Nowitzki's fragrance called "Fervor". Once his smell was back to
acceptable levels after 20 or so minutes, the game was resumed and
Dallas went on to fall to New Orleans to trail in the series 3-1. Kidd
blames the unlucky new smells for the loss.
The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break
down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.
Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The
embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a
force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the
Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither
of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each
other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little
rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being
bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why
rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided
on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the
Nuggets are about to pay the price for this. Prediction: Lakers 4-0
Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The
bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks.
This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented
players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they
still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to
embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them.
Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot
was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back
them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a
baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to
hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one. Prediction: Hornets 4-2
Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those
sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but
multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun
in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and
NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of
Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the
Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up.
I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
Prediction: Suns 4-3
Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5):
Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its
Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch
underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet
Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed
by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz
player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the
face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
At
approximately 5:32 AM eastern time this morning, loud explosions rocked
the midwest of the United States. High powered bombs erupted
underground from Duluth, Minnesota down to Galveston, Texas. It's
unconfirmed at this time who was responsible for the attack, but a
video was submitted to CNN from a group calling itself the Western
Conference Liberation Front.
The video features a man in a black
ski mask reading a prepared statement. "Dear infidels in the east, for
far too long have you made us play your inferior teams in the so-called
playoffs. While we can stand this sacriledge during the regular season,
where we can use you to pad our records, having to play one of your
teams in the finals is more than we can bear. We have decided to secede
from the NBA and make our own league, to accomplish this we have
detached the entire Western Conference from the U.S. At this time we
are now drifting into the Pacific Ocean. Hopefully we stop before we
hit China, as this half of the country has no seatbelts, so that's
probably going to hurt a lot."
"We want to appologize to the
Boston Celtics and Detroit Pistons, you are better than that
conference, but we have to escape all of you. We're sorry. Now that we
have our own country and league, we are going to expand our playoff
field to include every team. We're all so good we all deserve to get
in. The country will also have a new currency that will replace the
dollar, it is called the Westernian. We're also sorry to New York, the
city not the team, you were a fun place. And Philadelphia, we are going
to miss your delicious cheesesteaks. But this is something we had to do
for the good of the game. Goodbye eastern half of the United States.
We'll try to keep in touch."
A
strange situation happened during this weekend's all-star game when
Jason Kidd was traded to the Dallas Mavericks during the middle of the
contest. The game, which eventually was won by the east 134-128, was
proceeding as usual in the third quarter and the East had just made a
steal and a fast break down the court. Ray Allen made a long pass to
Dwight Howard and Jason Kidd on the other end of the floor. But just as
Howard was about to take the ball up for a dunk, Kidd pulled a gun out
of his shorts and aimed it at the slam dunk champion.
"Jason? What are you doing?" asked a confused Howard.
"You
always knew it would come to this Dwight," said Kidd, who tore off his
jersey to reveal one that said West underneath. "I can't play in this
horrible conference forever. Only having one other future hall of famer
on my team? I need 5 like every other West team! All you Eastern
Conference players knew eventually I would have to turn on you. As
Iverson and Shaq have done, I too must betray your inferior conference.
Now, give me the ball."
"You won't get away with this Kidd!" said Lebron James. "Wherever you go, we will find you."
"I
don't think so fools. I'll be on a team with so many good players
you'll never know which one is me," answered Kidd. "The ball! Now!"
Howard
handed Kidd the ball and he took it in one hand while keeping the gun
fixed on everyone else with the other. "Good, now everyone just back
away. Slowly. Keep those hands up!"
"Good luck over there Jason." said Dwight Howard. "But before you go, isn't there one thing you are forgetting?"
Kidd looked at Howard with a smirk. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?"
"That
I'm..." Howard ripped off his jersey to reveal a cape and blue tights.
"..Superman!" With that Howard grabbed the gun and bent it in half with
his bare hands. He then grabbed the ball from Kidd, yelled "It's time
to dunk!", and flew out through the roof of the arena. He continued to
fly out of the earth's atmosphere to the Sun where he no-look-passed
the ball to the Sun, who alley-ooped it, now on fire, back to Howard.
He then flew back to earth, into the arena, and slammajammed the
flaming ball it into the hoop. The East all-stars then gave a group
high five, like at the end of a Charley's Angels episode, and the crowd
went wild. Howard then used his x-ray vision to look at the all-star
cheerleaders.
"I'll get you next time Howard. I'll get you next time..." said Kidd as he walked off the court with his minions of the West.
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After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
The
Detroit Pistons fired head coach Flip Saunders yesterday after he
failed to get past the Eastern Conference finals for the third year in
a row. It is a surprising and harsh move, considering his consistent
success and merely failure to win a championship. But team management
doesn't see it that way, and they say more big changes are under way
for the organization. Those changes took shape overnight as every
player, coach, assistant, and executive was let go by the Pistons. In
fact, according to the latest employment listings from the club, they
now employ no one.
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
Gregg
Popovich has outlined a new gameplan he says will help the San Antonio
Spurs take the lead in their series with the Hornets as it heads back
to New Orleans tonight. That innovative gameplan is to actually try on
the road, something no team has really done during the second round so
far. He came up with the plan after many sleepless nights of studying
classic basketball strategy books and reviewing game footage.
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
It
was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head
coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks,
Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach
for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We
are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats
representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o
Jason
Kidd has been levied with a heavy fine after game 4 of the
Mavericks-Hornets series during which the game had to stop for several
minutes due to his horrid odor. Apparently Kidd has not changed or
washed his jersey since coming over to the Mavs, nor bathed himself,
because he does not want to mess up his luck. New Orleans guard Chris
Paul complained of the stench coming from the man he was supposed to
defend after game one. "This dude smells like assburger," railed Paul
following that game. "That is, of course, a hamburger prepared in the
At
approximately 5:32 AM eastern time this morning, loud explosions rocked
the midwest of the United States. High powered bombs erupted
underground from Duluth, Minnesota down to Galveston, Texas. It's
unconfirmed at this time who was responsible for the attack, but a
video was submitted to CNN from a group calling itself the Western
Conference Liberation Front.
A
strange situation happened during this weekend's all-star game when
Jason Kidd was traded to the Dallas Mavericks during the middle of the
contest. The game, which eventually was won by the east 134-128, was
proceeding as usual in the third quarter and the East had just made a
steal and a fast break down the court. Ray Allen made a long pass to
Dwight Howard and Jason Kidd on the other end of the floor. But just as
Howard was about to take the ball up for a dunk, Kidd pulled a gun out
of his shorts and aimed it at the slam dunk champion. 
