After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
"Well, that's
the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell
Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even
playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all
the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and
Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep
in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like
beach volleyball and basketball."
"We are working on some new
sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against
the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There
are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else.
There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each
other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is
played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event.
There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major
metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more
chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game
ever. We are very excited."
"Sometimes we just need to add
something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we
added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women
play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and
then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But
most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so
it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics.
I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with
a bow..."
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
Team USA is a little late
in trying to change their gameplay this close to the olympics, but it
seems like this revolutionary tactic may help them out. While no NBA
coach with the team seems to know anything about the very foreign
strategy, they are flying in a high school coach from Greece. His team
swept through the junior world championships against seemingly better
American teams by utilyzing such crazy tactics as putting up their
hands and geting in front of people who are trying to score, to which
the American kids had no counter. He should arrive some time tonight to
get started teaching some of these techniques to Team USA.
The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards
to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from
the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a
symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used
to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd
go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's
how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that
Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how
I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than
with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to
marry me, actually."
The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's
decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street
conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman.
"That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother
went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it
took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that.
We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe,
I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Paxson vowed that
having all the lottery winnings will not change who his team is. "We're
still going to be the same old post-Jordan Bulls, I promise you that.
No amount of good players is going to turn us into a championship
contender, that's for sure. We're going to still perenially
underachieve despite being in a weak conference." Old relatives who
haven't talked to the team in years are now coming out of the woodwork
to get reacquainted. Uncle Scottie Pippen gave Paxson a call yesterday
to talk about the good old times, and to tell him about his gambling
and heroin addictions he could use some monetary help with.
The
Chicago players are also ecstatic to get the chance to play with some
of the outstanding college talent. "I hear they have some of the best
players in the world in the college system," said Kirk Hinrich. "It's
going to be an honor to share the floor with some of them. Hopefully
they can show us a thing or two about how this game is played at the
highest levels."
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
It's
unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the
playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team
will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road
in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach,
this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has
been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took
home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact
reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are
saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to
blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely
different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of
talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team
they lost to earlier in the week.
Despite the poor play of the
Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this
time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA
Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there.
They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I
would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again.
We'll see what happens."
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
"So, what we're going to do is just create an
alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose.
College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split
championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going
to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA
scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see.
Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team.
Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can
go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more
than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts
for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered
themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV
yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the
game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."
There
is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight
erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently
the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to
be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry
to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap
money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing
to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where
they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying
in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The
Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into
custody anyway.
Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my
money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery
already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this
booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"
The
Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they
realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up
a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of
winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where
you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo.
Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite
and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were
going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us
fall down the stairs."
TSC stood by as they scratched off one
of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a
horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this
was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in
this great win for the franchise."
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
The Pistons
scoreboard operator has had an outstanding season manipulating time
itself, and yesterday was another example of just how valuable he is to
this team. There were times during the season when a loss seemed
absolutely certain, only to have the scoreboard operator put this team
on his back and say "Hey, this game isn't over until I say it is. You
now have 5 more minutes on that clock. Let's go get it done." Speeches
like this helped to motivate the team to come out and beat their
confused foes, who had often already begun leaving the court thinking
they had won. Many pundits thought his outstanding play, and selection
of motivational jumbotron messages such as "D-Fence!", "Let's Go
Pistons", and "D-Fence!!!" were perfect this year and worthy of the MVP.
"I
feel he got robbed," said the Orlando Magic scoreboard operator, who
has been unable to shut down his opponent in the first 2 games. "He's a
miestro with the numbers. There is no one else in the sport who can do
what he does to cheat other teams out of victories. I look forward to
facing him in the rest of this series, hopefully I don't get completely
blown away."
It
was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head
coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks,
Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach
for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We
are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats
representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o####reat coach is more than
we've ever had here before. Apparently he will rotate which games and
practices he goes to every day. The rest of the time the players will
just be able to hang out, and even call whatever plays they want in the
games. It's going to be different, but I think they're going to really
like the freedom they have out there."
The Miami Heat's Pat Riley
was not as upbeat about the announcement. "When we first entered into
negotiations for Brown we were not aware of this time-sharing thing. As
I understood it, we would get actually 1/4 of his body. I was hoping to
be able to get his head and maybe his right arm. That was he can still
think, talk, and maybe point at the ref and yell occasionally. That's
all you really need, and I thought the rest of us had worked over the
Bobcats pretty good and just stuck them with Larry Brown's feet. This
sucks, that's all I can really say."
Brown had a much more
ominous message during his press conference, in which he came out
dressed in a black cloak. He stepped up to the podium where he pulled
back his hood and lifted a red goblet from it. "12 teams down, 18 to
go," muttered Brown. "Then, I win the game. Then, I rule the
nether-verse. You foolish mortals are falling into my trap perfectly."
He then took a sip from the glass and walked away without answering a
single question. Larry Brown, always the showman.
The
Atlanta Hawks won again last night at home to tie their series with the
Boston Celtics at 2-2. Stunned and shocked would seemingly be the words
to describe the Boston locker room after the game, but surprisingly it
was upbeat. "I'm just excited to be moving on," said Kevin Garnett
after the loss. "This team is good, but I'm looking forward to taking
on Orlando in the next round." He was then informed that they had at
least 2 more games to go with the Hawks before they would face Orlando.
"Ha, well I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm part of the Big
Three here in Boston. We're like the best ever, and we're going to play
the Magic in the next round. These Hawks can come along if they want
and maybe we can fit them in somewhere after."
Indeed, even the
league has already scheduled their second round series to start on
Friday. "This Orlando-Boston contest is going to be an intense series
with a lot of interest as two of the best big men face off against each
other," said an enthusiastic David Stern. "I know they aren't exactly
winning against the Hawks, but come on now, it's Boston. They deserve
to be in the next round, and we're going to move them into it right
now. We may reschedule these other games for the future, and maybe
their backups can play some exhibitions with these Hawks. I mean, this
is a team that has a shot at winning an NBA Championship. How would it
look if they did that, but lost in the first round to Atlanta? That
would be silly, and I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen."
Pat
Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after
the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the
second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being
in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over
the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all
I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley
at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step
back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."
"Maybe
trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his
inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there
are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you
are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that
will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get
Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air
Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."
"That
is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will
take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA
championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this
time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I
look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my
antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."
Like
O.J. Mayo, Tyler Hansborough, and Michael Beasly, yet another player
has declared himself eligible for the upcoming 2008 NBA Draft. But this
time it's Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas. The move has
stunned basketball GMs around the league as they scramble to update
their draft boards to accomodate the superstar. This is the first time
an active player has re-entered the draft while currently playing.
Arenas
is a 7th year player out of Arizona, and will be by far the oldest in
this year's draft. But, a player of his caliber demands consideration
by every team, as he has consistently put up 20+ points when healthy
with the Wizards. He was originally drafted in 2001 by Golden State.
"It's been 7 years, I think I've fulfilled my commitment to the league
when they drafted me the first time," said Arenas. "It's time to be
drafted again. It was fun, and I think it's the only way I can finally
escape these damn Wizards. We just can't beat Lebron. I need out,
hopefully a Western Conference team can pick me up or something."
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After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
There
is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight
erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently
the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to
be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry
to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap
money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing
to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where
they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying
in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The
Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into
custody anyway.
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
It
was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head
coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks,
Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach
for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We
are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats
representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o
The
Atlanta Hawks won again last night at home to tie their series with the
Boston Celtics at 2-2. Stunned and shocked would seemingly be the words
to describe the Boston locker room after the game, but surprisingly it
was upbeat. "I'm just excited to be moving on," said Kevin Garnett
after the loss. "This team is good, but I'm looking forward to taking
on Orlando in the next round." He was then informed that they had at
least 2 more games to go with the Hawks before they would face Orlando.
"Ha, well I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm part of the Big
Three here in Boston. We're like the best ever, and we're going to play
the Magic in the next round. These Hawks can come along if they want
and maybe we can fit them in somewhere after."
Pat
Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after
the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the
second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being
in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over
the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all
I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley
at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step
back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."
Like
O.J. Mayo, Tyler Hansborough, and Michael Beasly, yet another player
has declared himself eligible for the upcoming 2008 NBA Draft. But this
time it's Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas. The move has
stunned basketball GMs around the league as they scramble to update
their draft boards to accomodate the superstar. This is the first time
an active player has re-entered the draft while currently playing.
