The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards
to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from
the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a
symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used
to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd
go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's
how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that
Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how
I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than
with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to
marry me, actually."
The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's
decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street
conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman.
"That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother
went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it
took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that.
We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe,
I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."
There
is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight
erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently
the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to
be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry
to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap
money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing
to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where
they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying
in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The
Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into
custody anyway.
Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my
money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery
already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this
booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"
The
Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they
realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up
a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of
winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where
you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo.
Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite
and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were
going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us
fall down the stairs."
TSC stood by as they scratched off one
of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a
horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this
was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in
this great win for the franchise."
Pat
Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after
the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the
second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being
in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over
the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all
I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley
at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step
back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."
"Maybe
trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his
inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there
are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you
are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that
will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get
Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air
Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."
"That
is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will
take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA
championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this
time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I
look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my
antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."
The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break
down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.
Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The
embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a
force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the
Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither
of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each
other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little
rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being
bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why
rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided
on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the
Nuggets are about to pay the price for this. Prediction: Lakers 4-0
Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The
bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks.
This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented
players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they
still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to
embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them.
Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot
was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back
them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a
baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to
hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one. Prediction: Hornets 4-2
Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those
sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but
multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun
in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and
NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of
Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the
Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up.
I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
Prediction: Suns 4-3
Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5):
Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its
Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch
underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet
Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed
by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz
player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the
face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
A
day after setting the record for fewest field goals in a game, the
Miami Heat have hired a private investigator to check on where exactly
their shots are going instead of through the net. "I have a su####ion
our field goals are sneaking around on us when they are supposed to be
going in the hoop," said head coach Pat Riley. "There is no way we
could make so few in a game. We want to find out exactly what those
shots are up to. I didn't want to say anything publicly, but we've been
making a lot less field goals at home during practice. Every time I try
to get them to go, the shots say they have a headache and are too tired
to go in the basket. When we first met, it was every day, nonstop
scores. But now, it's getting tough to even get it in there."
The
investigator, Nick Everett, was outside the arena during the 3rd
quarter when a 17-foot jumper that Ricky Davis launched left the venue.
"The shot told Ricky it was going into the basket when it left his
fingers," said Everett. But sure enough it didn't go in, but it did
jump into it's car and head to a strip club downtown. I followed the
shot as it went in to the establishment and got several very private
lap dances. I had to blend in, so I was forced to get a few myself on
the Heat's tab. It was horrible. After going in the VIP room for a
little bit the shot emerged and headed for the parking lot with one of
the girls. I confronted it and the woman there. Apparently the shot
claimed it was heading back to the basket now so it could go in, but
the woman lived close to the basket and wanted a ride. I followed them
discreetly for some time and they never made it back to the arena,
instead stopping off in a park. I must also say I've never seen a woman
lick a basketball so much, or get it to fit in some very strange
places. It was grotesque, but also amazing."
A teary-eyed Pat
Riley had a quick talk with the press after hearing the news. "I knew
it! I'm here trying to coach a basketball game, raise these kids into
real players, and our shots are out shmoozing with other women! I'm
disgusted, and I vow we won't take another shot all season. Then we'll
see who really needs who. Hopefully we can start winning some games now
that we're taking out our biggest problem, the shot itself."
Shaquille
O'Neal has been voted into his 15th all-star game, for his exceptional
sitting on a bench during the first half of the season. Shaq has been
riding the pine since mid-December when he injured his hip diving for a
loose ball. He's been so good at sitting on the bench, Phoenix traded
two of their star players for him in a deal last week. "We know Shaq is
still one of the best big men to ever sit on the sidelines," said head
coach Mike D'Antoni. "For a big man to be able to do the things he does
over there is just amazing. Just the other day he was watching one of
our games when he was able to lean behind him, while crosslegged, and
grab a cup of gatorade. The table must have been 3-4 feet away from the
bench, it was amazing."
Shaq was voted in by the fans after
sitting on the bench better than anyone else in the league, and for two
different teams. He will be on the sidelines of the Western Conference
All-Stars for the entirety of the game, and may even participate in the
Slam Sitting Competition. Usually only rookies and unknowns take part
in the sitting exhibition, where players attempt to come up with the
most innovative bench sitting styles ever seen. This year could be one
of the first that has participation by one of the big names in the NBA.
The
people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall
graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an
exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports
fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care
about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential
primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of
awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"
The
graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls
and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro.
They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such
as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's
Just Ronny Being Ronny!"
So far sales of the new Fatheads has
been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008.
But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.
According
to reports early Wednesday, Shaq has been traded from the Miami Heat to
the Phoenix Suns in exchange Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. Only two
years removed from winning a World Championship with Miami, Shaq is
having one of his most unproductive seasons in years and the Heat have
compiled only 9 wins so far. The 14-time all-star who owns 4 NBA
championships now faces the biggest challenge of his career, passing
the required physical.
"It's gonna be tough," said Shaq in his
trademark monotone mumble. "Physicals have never been the strong point
in my game. But, I've been working on it in the offseason. I had a
trainer practice with me the turn the head and cough while they grab
your little Diesel about 50 times per day. But that one thing where
they put you on that scale thing and tell you your weight, I always
fail that."
The hype for this physical is building to massive
proportions for the fans in Phoenix, and it's expected to be a sold out
doctor's office. The physician he will be playing against in the
physical will be Dr. Sameer Pendalooza, known for having some of the
toughest tests in the business. "I've played against Dr. Pendalooza in
the past," said former patient Mark Reynolds. "His biggest strength is
the blood pressure test, that thing is brutal. But if you stay high on
him, don't allow him to box you out, and also avoid saturated fats for
a couple of weeks, you should be able to get past it to the basket."
The
Miami Heat are in one of the worst losing streaks their franchise, and
indeed all of basketball has ever seen. They have lost 13 in a row,
Shaq looks like a man from a retirement home, and Pat Riley has one
foot already out the door. It doesn't seem like it could get any worse
for the team that is only 2 years removed from a championship. But one
Miami resident claims this is only the beginning of a long 1,000 game
losing streak that will last until the year 2044. The prognosticator is
homeless Miamian Mark Hathoway, long known among the homeless community
for claiming he was from the future, and the only reason he can't find
a job in our time is because he possesses "future diseases".
He
agreed to be interviewed by The Sports Comedian if we took him out for
lunch. Despite smelling like cat urine and Jack Daniels, we agreed to
take him to McDonalds. As he feasted on a McRib, he laid out how the
future will unravel for the Miami Heat. It will be 37 years until they
get their next victory over the Antarctica Hyper-Generals, a 206-201
win. They will still have Shaq on the team, as he refuses to retire
despite doing everything one can do in a career and having increasingly
bad numbers every season. At this time he will be averaging -2.3 points
per game, 1.2 blocks per game on his own team. His alzheimer's makes it
very hard to know which basket he is defending or shooting on. The team
also still be coached by the skeleton of Pat Riley, which actually
looks healthier than the current Pat Riley.
Hathoway then asked
us to see if we could loan him any money for alcohol. We asked why he
needed that, and he said time machines were built solely out of
alcohol. We declined that offer.
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The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
There
is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight
erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently
the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to
be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry
to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap
money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing
to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where
they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying
in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The
Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into
custody anyway.
Pat
Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after
the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the
second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being
in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over
the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all
I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley
at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step
back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."
A
day after setting the record for fewest field goals in a game, the
Miami Heat have hired a private investigator to check on where exactly
their shots are going instead of through the net. "I have a su
Shaquille
O'Neal has been voted into his 15th all-star game, for his exceptional
sitting on a bench during the first half of the season. Shaq has been
riding the pine since mid-December when he injured his hip diving for a
loose ball. He's been so good at sitting on the bench, Phoenix traded
two of their star players for him in a deal last week. "We know Shaq is
still one of the best big men to ever sit on the sidelines," said head
coach Mike D'Antoni. "For a big man to be able to do the things he does
over there is just amazing. Just the other day he was watching one of
our games when he was able to lean behind him, while crosslegged, and
grab a cup of gatorade. The table must have been 3-4 feet away from the
bench, it was amazing."
According
to reports early Wednesday, Shaq has been traded from the Miami Heat to
the Phoenix Suns in exchange Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. Only two
years removed from winning a World Championship with Miami, Shaq is
having one of his most unproductive seasons in years and the Heat have
compiled only 9 wins so far. The 14-time all-star who owns 4 NBA
championships now faces the biggest challenge of his career, passing
the required physical.
The
Miami Heat are in one of the worst losing streaks their franchise, and
indeed all of basketball has ever seen. They have lost 13 in a row,
Shaq looks like a man from a retirement home, and Pat Riley has one
foot already out the door. It doesn't seem like it could get any worse
for the team that is only 2 years removed from a championship. But one
Miami resident claims this is only the beginning of a long 1,000 game
losing streak that will last until the year 2044. The prognosticator is
homeless Miamian Mark Hathoway, long known among the homeless community
for claiming he was from the future, and the only reason he can't find
a job in our time is because he possesses "future diseases".
