I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.
• The Bengals and Cowboys are very evenly matched. Potent offense, questionable defense, superstar wide receivers, they are even tied on felonies with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones going against one another. But wait, the Bengals went out and got a leg up on criminality by acquiring Cedric Benson...They are going to take this thing.
• The Happening: Now on DVD in a director's cut edition much less #### than the one you saw in theatres!
• New York Giants- Is there any team more overrated than this one? These guys kind of suck, am I the only one who sees it?
• Sage Rosenfels is a great backup quarterback because he plays mistake free football, look for no falloff with him taking over for Matt Schaub.
• Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.
• The contest between Ravens and Titans should be an exciting one. These are two offenses waiting to bust out, look for an offensive shootout in Baltimore.
  
• Now that Matt Millen is out as the GM of the Lions, Detroit can finally play some quality football.
• Once you get up on the Redskins, they really lack the offense to be able to come back.
• That Bud Light girl can freeze my time whenever she wants...
• Well, I know it's a bit early, but I've been so impressed with the undefeated Buffalo Bills that I've already booked nonrefundable airfare and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!
• Kansas City kind of sucks, but they have to score some points at some point this season. Maybe a safety? 2 points. They have to get at least 2 points.
• A lot of people wonder just what exactly is in the state of Montana. Apparently it is comprised entirely of giant desert car testing facilities, because they have to put all those somewhere, and I've never seen one in a real state.
• The Brian Griese ex-team reunion tour continues as he is sure to pick apart a very bad Denver defense.
• Matt Cassel and Randy Moss just don't have the same chemisty that he and Brady used to have. Very sad they won't be lighting up the stat sheet anymore...

(On a side Sage Rosenfels note: Back when he played for Miami he used to offer himself for parties. You could pay and have the Dolphins third string quarterback come to your party where he would schmooze with your guests and tell them exciting stories about how he once said hello to AJ Feeley in the locker room. I can only imagine how much people would pay in Houton to get ahold of him tonight...)

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
• With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
• Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
• If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
• Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
• It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
• Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
• The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
• I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
• I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
• The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
• Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!

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The Chargers have made it official that defensive end Shawn Merriman will play this season despite a decapitation he suffered in a preseason game last week. In the 2nd quarter against the 49ers, Merriman was beheaded on a hard chop block by on of the San Francisco runningbacks. The head rolled around the field, as players from both sides confused it for a fumble and tried to step on it or jump on top of it. Charger trainers came on the field to attempt to re-attach it, but only after waiting for his torso to stop spraying blood all over the place. Horrified viewers at home watched as they attempted to put it back on with a stapler, scotch tape, and even some gum one of them was chewing. They took him and the head off on a stretcher and onto a helicopter, which took them to a local elementary school, where he was to receive Elmer's glue surgery to put it back on.

It was believed the injury could put him out of action for a few weeks, and possibly even require him to miss the season. But, the Chargers have informed the press that Merriman has agreed to play in this upcoming season, and will start in week one. They made the announcement at a press conference, with the headless body of Merriman in attendance.

"We asked him, hey, you still want to play this season right? If you don't feel up to it, just give us the word...But, he didn't say anything, because he's a trooper. This kid has got some real guts, and we look forward to having him on the field with us. He's so ready to play, he's wearing his uniform right now. In fact, I think it may be the same blood-covered uniform he wore in that preseason game. This kid is ready for more action."

It's unknown how well Merriman can perform without a head, but it's believed one of the defensive tackles will help hold him up during plays. Team management say that they don't want to lost a pro-bowler from their defense, and he's free to stop at any point, if he just tells them. They say this plan could work out great, they want to remind everyone of the success of Weekend At Bernie's and Weekend At Bernie's 2, both of which featured similar events.

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary, almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
• The David Carr era begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
• If the NFL were a carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The San Diego Chargers.
• How many commercials must there be of enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
• I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
• Tom Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this year than last.
• Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god that line is back.
  
• There are a lot of ads for anti-balding products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
• First place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play in the AFC West.
• Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
• Maurice Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10 yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
• What was the first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20 years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)

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Trent Dilfer will start for the 2-7 49ers on Sunday in place of Alex Smith, who confessed that a serious arm injury has been affecting his play during San Francisco's seven-game losing streak. He did not cite the other major reason for the losing streak, the general shittines of the rest of the 49ers.

Dilfer is a 14-year Super Bowl winning veteran who struggled through three straight losses while filling in for Smith earlier in the year, so bad that a picture of him could not be found that was not of him being sacked. He reclaims the starting job Thursday for at least one week, though Smith's injury could sideline him for the season.

Trent was surprised by the move, but also surprised that he was still in the NFL. "I didn't realize I was still on an NFL roster," said Dilfer at a post-practice interview. "Sure I've been going to these practices every week, but I thought we were just in a corporate flag football league. Are you sure these 49ers are a real team? What kind of name is that anyway?"

Asked if he was past his prime he retorted, "No, not at all. I've never had a prime, so I couldn't possibly be past it. I tried to convince them that I'm not good enough to be starting this week, but they wouldn't listen. We complete only about 25% of our passes for around 100 yards per game, so I'm sure we could put anyone back there and get the same results. All I know is that bar is set too high for me at this point. 25% completions?! I'm not Tom Brady for Pete's sake!"

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."

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San Francisco 49ers kicker Joe Nedney was fined $7,500 by the NFL on Wednesday for making an obscene gesture at his home fans during last week's game against New Orleans. Nedney blamed frustration for his sly gesticulation in the third quarter of the 49ers' 31-10 loss to the Saints at Candlestick Park, their fifth consecutive defeat.

After Nedney made a 29-yard field goal, he booted the ensuing kickoff out of bounds. Nedney tossed his helmet and kicking tee in anger before sitting back on the bench. That's when a fan's obscene comment prompted Nedney to rub the back of his skull with his middle finger -- an image captured by television cameras.

Nedney has been decent this year on field goals but has struggled on kickoffs. But it's no question as to why, he gets so little practice because the 49ers score so little. "It's hard to remember where I have to kick the ball," said an angry Nedney in a quote we wrote ourselves, "Maybe the fans think it's easy to remember that it has to go straight, but it's not that simple! People think we just kick it the same every time, but I have a newsflash for everyone: we switch sides every quarter! It could be going anywhere, so back up off me!"

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A future NFL champion may someday be crowned overseas in a game witnessed predominantly by a foreign audience, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said. There's a great deal of interest in holding a Super Bowl in London," Goodell told reporters Monday. "So we'll be looking at that." The commissioner said London's Wembley Stadium would make a great candidate for American pro football's biggest matchup, given the opening of the stadium's lastest incarnation and enthusiasm overseas for the game.

Indeed, there is a ton of overseas enthusiasm for NFL football. Just look at how well NFL Europe, or NFL Europa, or NFL German Cities No One Has Ever Heard Of Before(NFL GCNOHEHOB for short) did. Nevermind the fact that the NFL GCNOHEHOB logo couldn't even fit on a television screen, there just wasn't much interest in it. Goodell points to the fact the 2005 Cardinals-49ers game in Mexico drew 105,000 people to it, the largest crowd in NFL history. Well, that's because our stadiums in the U.S. only hold 60-70 thousand people. If a Super Bowl were held in the 250,000 seat Daytona speedway, it would sell out. The only reason this is being considered, is so we can try to tap into a few European markets to get NFL global dollars.

The best NFL Europe team had to be the one from Amsterdam, which was named the Admirals because it also started with A, despite Admiral only being a rank in the U.S. and U.K. navies. Nothing gets a country excited about a team than naming them after a foreign military position. I know I would be pumped if my hometown of Orlando got an expansion German soccer team named the Orlando Oberstabsbootsmanns(Germany's highest Naval rank).