San Diego Padres secondbaseman Edgar Gonzalez doesn't quite make the play to get Johnny Damon out at second, but he'll be damned if he isn't going to give him one hell of a hug.

Padres second baseman Tadahito Iguchi picked a bad day to come out of the closet by wearing his pink pride wristband. Here manager Bud Black tells him he loves his mother too. Iguchi plays along although he hasn't talked to his mom since she saw a picture of him in a Japanese tabloid with a young male prostitute named Chim-Chim.

(AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

SportsComedian.co
m

It was revealed in a screenshot from the post-game handshake given by Jake Peavy after his complete game 2-hitter against the Dodgers what many teammates already suspected about him, that he is not yet potty trained. "That guy always had the faint smell of #### about him," said teammate Adrian Gonzalez. "But he was actually good at his position, unlike most of our offensive players who hit like #### and smell like ####, so I was thoroughly confused. After being striking out with the bases loaded once again, I can just smell the #### on Michael Barrett."

As can be seen by looking at Peavy's right hand, he obviously has a few problems with using the restroom properly. To get to more on the issue we talked to Peavy's parents in Alabama. "It's true," said Thomas Peavy. "He just never took well to potty training, so we eventually just gave up. He was deftly afraid of toilets, and refused to go near them at all. So the only thing we could do with him was teach him to go in his own hand and then put it in a ziploc bag or something like that."

"Oh, it was so disgusting, I didn't know what we were going to do," said Diane Peavy. "We thought about maybe leaving him on someone's doorstep, or maybe exchanging him for a puppy. You're allowed to do that right?"

"Anyway, then he started playing baseball," interjected Thomas, "His feces-covered hands allowed him to throw a mean pitch I had never seen before. We called it the shitball, and it's a breaking ball with a little inside sliding action on it. But the real kicker to the pitch is that the rotation of the ball forces the smell of #### into the nose of the hitter before it gets there, making him turn his head away or yell "Ah! #### me!" and just swing at the ball to get it away from their face. It made for some vulgar little league games, but it also made him into the Cy Young winning all-star he is today. Everytime I hear a power hitter like Matt Holliday yell "Ah! #### me!" I just feel so proud of my little boy."

The Minnesota Twins continue their pursuit of an outfielder to replace Torii Hunter in center field. They were considered one of the front-runners for Japanese Star Kosuke Fukudome, the top import prospect this year, in the mold of stars such as Hideki Matsui and Ichiro Suzuki.

But the Twins have announced they are pulling out of the running for Kosuke after receiving a personal note from the player. "I don't understand what happened," said Fukudome's agent. "I thought it would be nice if we sent hand-written letters to every team that was interested in him explaining how honored he was to play for their organization. There should be no reason why the Twins are reacting in this way."

"We just want to say how offended we were at the note we got from him," said Twins General Manager Cameron James. "First of all, it was written in Japanese. We are not from Japan. We don't operate a sushi restaurant. We need all our star players to speak American language. Where would we be if, say, our star pitcher was from somewhere like Venezuela? The fans would riot. We know he's from this Japan place, but he could at least pretend to help us save face with our fanbase."

"But the most insulting part of the note was what he wrote at the bottom.'Fukudome'. This is ludicrous! We here in Minneapolis are very proud of our dome and it's heritage to both the community and the Twins organization. To throw an insult such as this at us is reprehensible! In fact, #### his dome. #### him right in the dome with a samurai sword or whatever it is they use as bats over there. He wants to play for our team? He probably has a small..."

At that point Cameron James was removed from the podium by his son Mark, who then addressed the crowd. "I'm sorry for that everybody, my father is what we would like to call a blatant ignorant racist. He's in counseling for this, but sometimes he still goes off the deep end. But, sadly, because of this misunderstanding we will not be going after Mr. Fukudome."

Milton Bradley is close to signing a 1 year, $5 million deal with the Texas Rangers, the team announced Monday. This will make it 6 teams in 8 years for the oft-troubled outfielder. Despite his name eliciting memories of great games such as Yahtzee, Connect Four, and even Chicken Limbo, Bradley has run into trouble with teammates and coaches wherever he has gone. The most outrageous incident came late last season when, with his Padres team in a playoff run, he stepped on the hand of outfielder Mike Cameron, taking him out for the season. Then in the same game while standing at first base he got in a fight with umpire Mike Winters and had to be restrained by his coach, who threw him to the ground and caused him to tear his ACL.

Rangers GM Jon Daniels said in a press conference, "We are happy to have Milton Bradley as a part of the team. In typical sports team fashion, we believe that although he has been a problem everywhere he has gone, he has not yet been a problem for us. We think we can turn him around and make him a productive part of this team. He's just not quite bad enough for us to overlook his on the field skills. I'm sure there are some players out there we wouldn't touch, but I'm not going to get into hypotheticals here. I also want to take this time to announce we are now pursuing a contract Michael Vick, that guy is a heck of an athlete."

As a precaution against this move actually working out for the Rangers, the Anaheim Angels have signed Mike Winters to a 1-year contract as a pinch First Baseman in case Bradley should ever get on base against them.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Mike Cameron, the Padres' Gold Glove center fielder, was suspended for the first 25 games of next season on Wednesday after testing positive a second time for a banned stimulant. Cameron, who plans to file for free agency, said he believes he took a tainted supplement.

"The one thing I wanted to make sure was explained is, no steroids," Cameron told AM 1090, the Padres' flagship radio station. "I never took nothing like that before in my life. That would be 50 games, and that would affect me a whole lot more." Cameron issued a statement through his agent, saying doctors for the players' association helped him narrow down what triggered the positive test.

The company that gave Cameron the supplement is, of course, very angry at the revelation. Not because they are revealed as a banned substance dealer, but because they are revealed as a dealer of the most ineffective banned substances ever. Cameron was hitting .242 with only 21 homers and 78 RBI.

The company could not be reached for comment but we made up the following statement from them: "We want to assure everyone that despite this revelation, we make the finest quality banned stimulants that we secretly slip into our clients supplements. If you use us in the future for your steroids needs, we guarantee that you will see both better power numbers and a more lengthy suspension. 25 games is kind of wussie, we guarantee at least 40!"

SportsComedian.com