The NFL has announced that no new information had been obtained from former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh following his interview with Roger Goodell over the weekend. The most scandalous part of the tapes shown before Goodell's news conference talking about the findings had nothing to do with stealing signals, it was several minutes of close-ups of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders performing during a 2002 game.

While the NFL says they have no more leads on where to investigate the Patriots alleged taping of the St. Louis Rams pre-Super Bowl walkthrough, they will be amping up an in-depth investigation of the cheerleaders. "Wow, just wow..." said Goodell. "I had no idea this kind of dancing was taking place on the sidelines of NFL games. I have spent many hours, alone, reviewing this footage and I must say that I am appalled...and having trouble holding anything in my right hand. If you catch my drift fellas..." He then took a sip from a brandy snifter. "God damn, that's good. Makes a man feel warm inside."

As he lit up a cigar and took a long puff he continued, "Look, the American people have been clamoring for a public investigation into the evidence on these tapes. I say we've shown them enough boring hand signals called into the sidelines by middle aged men. I say we need to have an investigation into these girls. Where do they shower after games, what scent of body wash do they use, and what exactly does it look like during this shower? Eh? Am I right fellas?" The male members of the press in attendance gave a few hoots and hollers, while 2 of the few female journalists walked out of the room. "There are just so many unanswered questions about this whole thing. "Do they lather each other or just rub themselves alone? I am shocked at all this, and just want to get to the bottom of it like the rest of you. I vow that I will not rest until we are watching these Charger girls bathing on national television, so we can make sure they aren't hiding anything anywhere on their bodies."

When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better