Bill Parcells handed over the keys to Miami's offense yesterday to Chad Pennington, telling him to be careful with the new franchise he just got over the summer. The move surprised many, as Pennington had his quarterbacking license suspended last month in New York for bad driving. Several times last season he was pulled over by the coaching staff in the middle of games for a QUI, Quarterbacking Unbelievably Incompetently. He was seen swerving balls all over the field and driving the opposite way in traffic, often driving the offense into his own endzone. When pulled over, coaches had him attempt to throw a ball in a straight line, but he could not successfully do it.

Pennington wasted no time in showing that the decision to give him the keys was a bad one, as he played New England in a preseason game later that day and proceeded to crash the offense right in their prized defense. On the first play from scrimmage, Pennington was under big pressure as defensive tackles broke through the Dolphins offensive line and made him sail a pass over the head of Ricky Williams, who was then drilled hard into the ground by a defender. Chad was thrown to the ground after the play, and Parcells ran out onto the field yelling "What have you done to my brand new offense! It's ruined!" Old man Belichick, who takes great pride in his flower garden and defense, also ran out onto the field and surveyed the damage on his fence, "You think your offense if in bad shape, how about my defense! It is supposed to be training to play against good teams, and we have to warm up against this awfulness?! We will never be ready for the regular season!"

To pay off the damages, Pennington has agreed to quarterback the team throughout the season to a record bad enough for Parcells to draft a new offense in the offseason.

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Way back in 1998, the time of the dinosaurs, the staff here at TSC had the foresight to plant a time capsule with a few sports predictions for the next ten years. This was back in the earliest days of our site, when we were just a webpage drawn on a cave wall. One day we were all sitting around in our thatch huts, when a smoke signal from a neighboring tribe alerted us to the new year. Although verbal communication had not yet been invented in 1998, we all knew that a good website bit would be to make a time capsule of our current thoughts and open them again in a decade. We spent many days, as we were a tribe without fire, writing down the contemporary sports thoughts of the day. Given our vast sports knowledge and insight, we expected our predictions to be spot on as always, but as you can see, some of them turned out to be just a little off. . .

• The Battle to Reach 61: 1998 was the year that the record that could never be broken finally fell. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa battled it out all season and both ended up shattering Roger Maris’ record of 61. McGwire’s 71 is a record that will stand for years. I just don’t see anyone breaking it unless they come up with some kind of undetectable super drug that allows players to artificially add muscle mass and extend their careers into their early 40s, and I think we all know that’s not possible.

• Bulls Win 3rd Straight, Again: The Bulls won their 3rd straight title and their 6th in the last eight years. After the season, Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson both said goodbye to the game for good. I for one am sorry to see Michael go, but at least I won’t ever have to see him wear another team’s jersey. As for Phil, I always thought he was overrated as a coach. There’s no way he could win a championship without Jordan, so good thing he quit when he did.

• Tiger Who?: After winning the 1997 Masters, Tiger Woods failed to win another major the rest of 1997 and all of 1998. In fact, he only won 1 PGA tour event all season. I don’t know what everyone saw in this guy, but I have one word for you “O-VER-RA-TED.” Remember, you heard it here first. What a stupid name anyway. With something that silly, he will never be able to get any goood marketing deals.

• Return of the Bronx Bombers: The Yankees won their second World Series title in the last three years this fall. Just a side note, the Yankees payroll this season was over $63 million dollars, which is nuts. There is no way they can keep this up. By the time you read this, MLB will have a salary cap like the NFL and the Yankees won’t be able to sign away other team’s all stars.

• Ricky wins the Heisman: This year Ricky Williams of Texas set the all time NCAA rushing record on his way to winning the Heisman Trophy. Talk about a kid with a bright future, this guy is going to be breaking records in the NFL for years, bet the house on it. If NFL executives have any sense, they will do whatever they have to do to draft this guy next year. Best of all he's a great role model to young people about staying out of trouble and off of drugs.

• Passing of a Legend: Harry Caray, one of the most loved broadcasters of all time passed away just before MLB spring training. For reasons unknown to us here at TSC, someone in the Cubs front office came up with the brilliant idea of allowing celebrities to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” during the seventh inning. I know, sounds crazy, but no doubt the Cubs will come to their senses next year and stop celebrities from singing before someone really embarrasses themselves.

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Even Mother Nature couldn't will the Miami Dolphins to a win Monday night, although she did try to help her favorite NFL team. Rain, rain, and more rain was heaped upon the field before the game, leaving the grass resembling more a lake than anything else. She has been watching the Dolphins flounder all season, and thought the only way perhaps to help them was to flood the field. "They are the Dolphins, they should be able to play a better game under water. The Steelers? What do they even do, process steel? There is no way they are going to be able to beat Miami in their own element. I've been saving up rain from the southern California area for months, and I'm gonna unleash it on those damn Steelers," said an angry Mother Nature before the game.

But even her ingenious plan was not enough. Although it did slow down the Steelers, the Dolphins played offensively about how they usually do, which resulted in 0 points and 2 more injuries to their running backs, including the returning Ricky Williams. When you sustain more injuries in a game than score points, things are going pretty bad for your team. Mother Nature was irate after the game, "How did we blow this one?! I kept them scoreless for 59 minutes and 43 seconds, and they still couldn't win?! I give up! I'm going to just become a Patriots fan like everybody else! But first, I'm going to go monsoon Thailand in retribution."

Jeff Reed's 24-yard field goal with 17 seconds left Monday night gave Pittsburgh a 3-0 victory against winless Miami, the first time in 64 years an NFL game went that long without any points. It was the league's lowest-scoring game since Dec. 11, 1993, when the New York Jets beat Washington 3-0.

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"Oh my god! What smells out here?! Is it all this stationary water out on the field?" -Cam "Cameron" Cameron

"Nope, that's just our team coach. Now you know why I've tried to leave 7 times." -Ricky Williams

(AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

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There's an old saying, "When you're 0-9, have no star offensive players, and still have to play the Patriots again, you may consider taking back your old running back who's been suspended 4 times and just came off an injury-plagued year in Canada." It's a saying that is not said very much, but it is very old.

Ricky Williams was reinstated on Wednesday, opening up the door for the Dolphins to take him back to fill the void left by the season-ending injury to Ronnie Brown. Williams led the league in rushing in 2002, but has been a disaster since, leaving the game several times both by choice and drug suspension.

The Dolphins are happy to have him back, and are really going to shake team in response to their horrid start to the season. They will also turn to John Beck, the rookie QB they drafted in the 2nd round, officially ending the Cleo Lemon era in Miami.

The Dolphins are also planning on making some other major changes to the team such as replacing rookie bust Tedd Ginn Jr. with an actual Dolphin. "Over the weekend we figured, why do we even need to practice?" said Miami head coach Cam Cameron. "We're just going to lose again. So we decided to head to Sea World and take in the Dolphin show, and they can do crazy things like catch a ball with their nose. There was more catching in that show than I've seen Ted do all year, and that includes practice. Hopefully the Dolphin can help us offensively."

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Miami Dolphins running back Ronnie Brown will miss the rest of the season because of a knee injury, his agent Todd France said Monday. Brown underwent an MRI exam Monday. He twisted his right knee in the third quarter of the Dolphins 49-28 loss to the New England Patriots on Sunday.

Brown has been one of the few bright spots in Miami's bleak season. Coming into Sunday's game, he led the NFL in yards from scrimmage and had reached the 100-yard rushing mark for four consecutive games. Brown had 76 yards rushing against the Patriots on 17 carries, and had five receptions for 33 yards.

As sad as it is to say, the Dolphins have but one hope to avoid going 0-16 this season. I'm afraid it's time to reinstate in Ricky Williams. I know he looks like a black Santa Claus now, both in terms of his being enormously out of shape and his long homeless man's beard, but he is their last best hope for a win. Say it with me everyone...#### #### ####!

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