A day after setting the record for fewest field goals in a game, the Miami Heat have hired a private investigator to check on where exactly their shots are going instead of through the net. "I have a su####ion our field goals are sneaking around on us when they are supposed to be going in the hoop," said head coach Pat Riley. "There is no way we could make so few in a game. We want to find out exactly what those shots are up to. I didn't want to say anything publicly, but we've been making a lot less field goals at home during practice. Every time I try to get them to go, the shots say they have a headache and are too tired to go in the basket. When we first met, it was every day, nonstop scores. But now, it's getting tough to even get it in there."

The investigator, Nick Everett, was outside the arena during the 3rd quarter when a 17-foot jumper that Ricky Davis launched left the venue. "The shot told Ricky it was going into the basket when it left his fingers," said Everett. But sure enough it didn't go in, but it did jump into it's car and head to a strip club downtown. I followed the shot as it went in to the establishment and got several very private lap dances. I had to blend in, so I was forced to get a few myself on the Heat's tab. It was horrible. After going in the VIP room for a little bit the shot emerged and headed for the parking lot with one of the girls. I confronted it and the woman there. Apparently the shot claimed it was heading back to the basket now so it could go in, but the woman lived close to the basket and wanted a ride. I followed them discreetly for some time and they never made it back to the arena, instead stopping off in a park. I must also say I've never seen a woman lick a basketball so much, or get it to fit in some very strange places. It was grotesque, but also amazing."

A teary-eyed Pat Riley had a quick talk with the press after hearing the news. "I knew it! I'm here trying to coach a basketball game, raise these kids into real players, and our shots are out shmoozing with other women! I'm disgusted, and I vow we won't take another shot all season. Then we'll see who really needs who. Hopefully we can start winning some games now that we're taking out our biggest problem, the shot itself."

The Heat traded three-time All-Star forward Antoine Walker to the Minnesota Timberwolves on Wednesday in a five-player deal that came one day after Miami completed a winless preseason. Walker, backup center Michael Doleac, oft-injured forward Wayne Simien and a conditional first-round draft pick were sent to Minnesota for former Miami swingman Ricky Davis and center Mark Blount.

The deal gives Minnesota added depth and gives Miami a third scoring option it wanted in Davis. The Heat will try to fit him in alongside Shaquille O'Neal and Dwyane Wade -- the 2006 Finals MVP who'll miss a few more weeks while recovering from knee and shoulder surgeries. Walker helped the Heat win the 2006 NBA title but hasn't always had the easiest time dealing with Heat coach Pat Riley's strict conditioning standards.

Translation: You can not stop Antoine Walker from being fat. It is impossible.

This trade may or may not help the Heat, as Davis will be their third option. The major question will be whether or not Wade and Shaq can ever get, and stay, healthy at the same time. The last time that happened was in the jurassic period.

 SportsComedian.com