Lovie Smith has been fired today by the Chicago Bears for struggling all pre-season to a horrible 0-2 record. This was quite a disappointment for Chicago, who had been favored to do well in the preseason, mainly because they would be playing against backups most of the time instead of real NFL quality players. But their team was devastated by injuries, and they sometimes had to go to 3rd and 4th string players late in games because of it. Starting QB Rex Grossman has passed for a paltry 120 yards on the season, and was benched after only the 1st quarter of some games this year.

"We had hoped to compete for a playoff spot this year," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "But with the preseason half over, and us without a single win, that doesn't leave much time to turn things around. I've been told by the league that we can't make make the playoffs at all no matter what we do in these final two games. But, I don't like to believe that we're playing for nothing, I think these games will matter to getting this team back on track for next year."

"Well, I think we all saw this coming," said a distraught Lovie Smith after hearing the news. "To be winless here at 0-2, with other awful franchises like the Giants and Patriots, it hurts. It hurts this city to be associated with garbage teams like that. I couldn't really settle on my personnel. I think we used 14 different receivers in the last game, that was probably a bad idea. I didn't play some of our really good players. I let my 12 year old son call some plays, because I thought it didn't matter what we did really as long as no one got hurt. But it did matter, we are an embarrassment, and hopefully an interim coach can fix some things and get us turned around."

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The New York Yankees continued their interleague dominance yesterday with a resounding 23-0 win over the visiting Chicago Bears. The Bears looked confused at times during the contest, with Rex Grossman giving up 8 runs in the first inning and was pulled after the second. "Well, I'm still confident that I'll eventually find some type of ball I can throw well, but it obviously isn't a baseball or football," said Grossman after the contest. "I can really gun a soccer ball well, but apparently that isn't even allowed in that sport. It's a shame."

328-pound Bears shortstop/guard Terrence Metcalf made 4 errors in the game and showed very limited range when pivoting to turn the double play. There was talk after the game of sending him back down to the minors to trim off a few hundred pounds. "Look, I'm not even sure of the rules of this damn game," said Metcalf. "These little guys get to run around in front of me, and they yelled at me the one time I tried to tackle one of them who was rounding second. We also have got to wear these #### long pants with stripes. I hate this sport."

Bears GM Jerry Angelo took time after the game to criticize interleague play, and told MLB to move into the 21st century. The 8th inning was especially lengthy after Brian Urlacher caught a hard hit ball to first, yelled out "Interception!", and then ran around the field with it trying to find the Yankees endzone. Umpires and Yankee players chased him around for 20 minutes trying to explain the situation.

New York has been on a big rebound from their early season struggles since interleague play began, having swept the Red Wings and Grizzlies as well. The Grizzlies series was especially surprising, as it was played at Memphis' home court and home sport. But, it looks like anyone can beat the Grizzlies at this point.

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Rex Grossman was arrested by police over the weeked for a Hovering Under The Influence charge while speeding on his self-made hovercraft on Lake Travis. The Bears quarterback apparently made the hovercraft in his spare time, instead of practicing as can be evidenced by his stats over the years. It is the first known HUI charge in Illinois, but could spur a crackdown on hovercraft drivers all over the country. Grossman was pulled over by Hover-Police at around 2:00 PM on Sunday, where he was asked to submit to a sobriety test. He refused and attempted to throw a wrench at one of the officers, but luckily overthrew him by a great margin.

"He was swerving all around the lake, going left and right, even up and down," said one of the policemen involved in the stop. "It was obvious he was inebriated, so we told him to hover it over to the side of the road. Once there we attempted to get him to walk in a straight line, but he kept falling over, almost like he does when he's getting some light pressure in the pocket. He then started yelling expletives at us, and we had to spray pepper spray in his eyes. Let me tell you that there was nothing I had wanted to do more than that after he got my hopes up in that Super Bowl two years ago. It just felt so good, and I may have emptied the entire bottle into his eyes, and then hit him with my baton a little bit. It wasn't my best moment as an officer, I will admit."

Grossman maintains he was merely testing the hover capabilites of his craft, and was high on nothing but life. "When you're as awesome as Rex Grossman, you're always drunk on just being so great. This should not be illegal," said Grossman in a released statement sure to illicit much sympathy from the public. It is unknown how the incident will affect the already volatile anti-hovercraft movement led by MADH, Mothers Against Drunk Hovercrafting. What if there had been some young kids heading to their graduation on a hovercraft near the lake that Rex could have plowed into? They are looking to take down what they call is a dangerous and gravity-defying vehicle, and this is more ammunition for their cause.

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In a brutal attack upon the very foundation of America, FedEx Field on Thursday night was the site of two quarterbacks being struck down by their oldest nemesis, ninjas. Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins QB, and Rex Grossman, QB for the Bears, both fell with knee injuries early in the game last night. The culprits responsible for the gruesome injuries are still at large, but they are believed to be ninjas, sworn enemies of quarterbacks.

Many fans and even the announcers did not acknowledge the attacks for what they obviously were, a blatant revenge strike for the famous Hayagoshi Temple invasion of last year. It was during that invasion of the Ninja's sacred home where Tom Brady and Brett Favre led an all-out assault on the complex. Carrying explosive footballs and wearing helmets made of steel, the QB force was able to plant the bombs at the base of the building and bring it down in a pile of rubble. Many bodies were found at the scene, some with football sized holes through their torsos. One ninja was found alive, burned and barely breathing. He vowed the ninjas would have vengeance upon the house of quarterbacks some time in the future.

The attack on Thursday night was carried out with great secrecy as the ninjas slipped in, took out the knees, and then slipped out without ever being seen. Jason Campbell's knee was taken out with a well-placed ninja star, which has to be removed there on the field with much visible pain. It's unknown what was used to injure Grossman, but a pair of nunchucks were found near a concession stand some time later that night. It's strange that the broadcasters did not catch on to the attack, as they have slow motion cameras which could have been used to get a glimpse of the ninjas.

The QB-Ninja fued is one of the oldest in the history of the world. For hundreds of years they have warred with each other in fuedal Japan, fighting over lands and principles. For many years the ninjas held the upper hand, such as the Battle of Okinawa, where an estimated 4000 quarterbacks were killed by the superior ninja forces. Ninjas were always much better with swords and close combat. But due to the advent of the football some 100 years ago, the quarterbacks have been able to win most encounters due to the long range nature of the ball.

The conflict is obviously nowhere near finished, and a warrant is out for the arrest of the ninjas.

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Despite being perhaps the most obvious call in the history of officiating, Bernard Berrian still demands his coach challenge the out-of-bounds ruling. One does not argue with Bernard Berrian.

(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

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