New England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year. "Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots. "There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the #### Heart, which is the magical giant heart fueled by Boston residents constant gloating about their sports teams, broke down. It supplies all our electricity, you see, and it just went out. Only by believing our team was possible of humiliating weaker opponents next year, and clapping our hands really fast, could we bring it back to life."

Mike Wise, a man who has 11 Patriots tattoos on his body, including a regrettable portrait of Drew Bledsoe, says he took the news harder than most. "Well, you know, I was very upset in the beginning. I went home and killed my family, who I long thought didn't love the Patriots enough. Then I burnt down my entire house, because it was obviously unlucky. But then I realized there's always next year, and our coach will always keep us in the games with his innovative cheating. Plus, now I can get a much younger girlfriend who is impressed by my $60,000 a year construction job and the fact I have my own truck. So, it's a win-win all around."

Other residents shared Mike's sentiment. "I'm just ready to move on, it happened so long ago now," said Bud Wilson, a teacher at Benson High School in southern Boston. "I mean, the Patriots lost. They had a lot to fight for, but in the end England was stronger. Now I have to wear powdered wigs, drink Tab soda, and take a galleon to work. But I'm fine with it. I think I finally am getting my sealegs, and I'm getting used to putting half my yearly salary in cash into an envelope and mailing it to England. They won, I get it, and I'm ok with it finally."

Mike was then informed that the Patriots actually won the Revolutionary War, and was happy but confused.

Marvin Harrison has been questioned in connection to a shooting that took place near a carwash he owns in Pennsylvania. Police say Harrison turned over a revolver belonging to him, and bullet casings from the shooting match the gun. Harrison denies direct involvement in the incident which took place on Saturday when a man identified by police only as Mr. Green was at the carwash with his wife Scarlett.

Professor Paul Plum, a teacher of forensics at Penn State says the crime points heavily to Harrison, as the murder weapon is known to be his. It's unknown where exactly the shooting took place, but it could have been in the billiards room or the conservatory of the carwash. The owner of Mrs. Peacock's, an italian restaurant next door, phoned in a call to police early Saturday when she heard 6 shots fired. A Mrs. White was at the carwash at the time, but indoors and unable to give the police any other information than a young male in a hood.

The chief police investigator on the case, Colonel William Mustard, says they were lucky to have the gun turned in, as original examination of the victim pointed to a candlestick or possibly a lead pipe being the weapon used. Officer Mustard says that they have received a small envelope today at the station from an anonymous person which included three cards including a Marvin Harrison rookie card. He would not give any more information than that, but said the envelope was being treated like evidence, and could lead to an endgame soon. In the mean time, the police will continue searching for more clues.

Ted Cottrell, the Chargers defensive coordinator knew he had to come up with a great gameplan to defeat the only undefeated team of the last 30 years. One that no one had been able to devise before. To do that he would have to understand the inner-workings of the Patriots most potent weapon: The Brady.

To fully understand just how The Brady works, Cottrell had to journey far into the Himalayan mountains with his defensive assistants to find the reclusive inventor Reginald Bravari. Bravari created The Brady in his lab some 30 years ago in an effort to make the perfect human being. In Himalayan mountain society, one's worth and social standing is based not on what you actually do, but on how far you can throw something. For example, here in the U.S. Bill Gates and George Bush are both very high up the social ladder. But in the Himalayas, Chris Weinke would be seen as more prestigious than either of them. This could even be applied to historical figures. In Himalayan society, Benjamin Franklin would have been a chimney sweeper because he could not throw a football 10 yards, while Jack Geraldo, 280-pound butcher and weekend flag football player would have been a near deity because he can toss a long bomb.

But Bravari's super throwing creation had other plans, and he went to America to play in their professional football league. It was from Bravari that Cottrell hoped to learn the very secret of what makes The Brady tick, and hopefully how to defeat it in battle. "I built no real weaknesses into The Brady superstructure," said Bravari when questioned by the Charger coaching staff in his mountain home. He pulled up a blueprint of The Brady and laid it out on the table. "He was designed to throw, and I made it so it would be very hard to ever stop him from throwing. I don't follow the rules of this football of yours, but there is one thing that can stop The Brady, one item I crafted out of the very ingredients he is made of. It's his Kryptonite, if you will. I keep it locked in this box."

The coaching staff knew they were close to finding the very substance that could weaken The Brady and maybe even cause him to throw an interception. Bravari turned the key and opened the box to reveal...a handgun. "Wait a minute, this is the only thing that can stop Tom Brady? A gun?" said Cottrell angrily.

"Yes, if you shoot him in the face he will most certainly not throw a touchdown for the rest of the game. But the face is the key, that is his weakspot. Anywhere else and he's probably still going to be able to hit Randy Moss for an 80-yard bomb. What are the rules for using guns in your football?"

"You can't use them."

"Well then. You are probably screwed," noted Bravari. Sure enough the Chargers could not defeat The Brady on Sunday, and the Patriots marched on towards another Super Bowl title.

Bill Belichick was detained this week by federal prosecutors after a B-2 Stealth Bomber, bearing the Patriots logo, was caught by the U.S. Air Force performing maneuvers over the Chargers practice facility in southern California. The plane was noticed by LaDainian Tomlinson towards the end of practice on Wednesday, as it had been flying over them for several hours. The Air Force scrambled F-18's from a nearby airbase and ordered the plane to land and turn over all footage obtained. The plane was a modified B-2, bought by Robert Kraft after it was retired from active service. It has a giant Patriots head painted on the top and bottom.

"I don't know what the confusion is all about," said a confused Belichick as he was taken away by investigators. "We bought the plane legally, and it was merely conducting some test maneuvers to prepare for a special halftime show at this week's game."

The pilot of the vehicle was none other than mascot Pat Patriot, who just barely fit into the cockpit with his oversize head and enormous revolutionary war hat. He too was arrested by the government. The footage taped clearly shows the Patriots taping defensive signals on the sidelines, some several dozen offensive plays, and also about 2 hours of top-down cleavage footage o####iants cheerleader practice. It's unknown at this time how severely the league will punish the Patriots for this latest infraction.

Randy Moss broke his silence on Wednesday to refute charges of battery levied against him by a woman claiming the invident happened at her South Florida home. Rachelle Washington is asking for a restraining order after the incident, with a court date set for January 28th to decide the matter. Moss, meanwhile, is not taking the charges lying down.

"I am not a battery! Never have been, won't ever be!" said Moss at his locker following practice. "This woman wants to call me an electrochemical energy storage system, and I will not accept this horrible insult. Where's her proof?"

The woman says the power went off at her home around 11:47 PM, and while her and Moss were waiting for it to come back on she picked up a flashight and attempted to turn it on. But apparently the batteries had run out, so it did not work. Moss then grabbed the flashlight and, low and behold, it came to life. The woman says she ran from the house and immediately called the police from a pay phone.

Moss, still at his locker and surrounded by reporters, threw a clock radio on the ground. "Alright, if I was truly a battery, I would be able to fit in this clock radio, right?" said an angry Moss. He then proceeded to try and stuff himself head first into the battery compartment of the radio. "See? I can't fit! Must not be a battery!"

An NESN reporter wasn't quite convinced. "Wait, that doesn't prove anything. Let's throw you in a river and see if you float! If you sink, you're not a battery, but if you do..."

"I think that's a witch actually," replied Moss

"How about we lick you? Batteries will shock someone who licks them," offered a CBS correspondent.

"No way in hell any of you are licking me," shot back Moss.

"I know! How about we go to the parking lot, hook you up to a car in place of a battery, and attempt to start the vehicle off you?!" suggested a reporter for the Boston Herald.

"Sounds very safe, let's do it."

Despite this interview happening last night, Randy Moss has not been seen or heard from since.

The Vegas line for the Jacksonville Jaguars-New England Patriots game is now out, and it has betters a little confused. After pushing the number to record highs against Miami and New York late in the season, the line for Saturday's game is set at -5v72i˜? in favor of the Pats. The number is yet not understood even by the odds-makers in Vegas, but they feel it is the only proper indication of the odds for a Pats victory. Math professors at Harvard and MIT are teaming up to study the number, and see if they can figure out truly how many points New England will win by.

Many internet gamblers who are looking to blow more of their life savings on football this weekend don't know what to do. "I don't get this thing man," said one such confused better. "There are some numbers in there, but there's also a picture of a table or something." That table is meant to be pi, the number used to measure a circle. It's only the second time pi has been included in a betting line. The last was in 1974 when Dallas played Cleveland and the Cowboys were favored by 4?. They were about to cover when the Browns made a meaningless field goal at the last second that was then worth ?. The pi field goal rule has since been removed.

Standing outside the Meadowlands, it was impossible for Eli Manning and his teammates to hide their anger and disappointment following their loss recent. The Giants, the most recent team to receive a beat down from the league bullies from New England, were busy cleaning up the mess left behind following their loss to the Patriots. “There have to be about 2000 rolls of toilet paper out here,” Manning said, “and at least 12 dozen eggs. We‘ll be cleaning this up for days.”

Apparently not satisfied with making the rest of the league their ####, the Pats decided to have a little fun following the perfect finish to their perfect season by vandalizing the Giants home stadium on their way out.

There was a loud knock on my office door at like 4:00 this morning,” said an exhausted Tom Coughlin, still wearing his bathrobe and pajamas, “when I opened the door I saw this brown paper bag and it was on fire. Of course my first instinct was to take my foot and stomp it out. How the hell was I supposed to know there was dog poo inside?!?!” Coughlin said he looked up just in time to see the Patriot’s team bus speeding out of his parking lot. “I know it was them,” he said, “cause I saw that little punk Tom Brady pointing at me and laughing. Then he turned around and pressed his bare #### cheeks to the back window of the bus. I’ll never be able to get rid of that image every time I see him get behind center and bend down for a snap.”

The Giants story is not a new one, it seems Brady and his boys have been having fun at the expense of other teams all season long. San Diego Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal knows first hand what its like to be picked on by the Pats. “After our week two loss in New England, I was walking to the team bus when Teddy Bruschi and Mike Vrabel stopped me in the hallway and told me to give them my meal allowance. When I told them no, they pulled me into the bathroom and stuck my head in the toilet and flushed. I found out from my boy later that I got a swirley. How do you look your kid in the eyes after something like that?”

Indianapolis Clots coach Tony Dungy tells a similar story, “It wasn’t enough for them to beat us, they had to humiliate us too. One of them had to go a take an Upper Decker in my office bathroom. Do you guys know what that is? Because I have no idea, but apparently it happened."

Brady and his boys aren’t about to issue any apologies for their actions. “Those guys are dorks,” said Brady, sporting his Patriots letterman jacket and trademark smirk, “So we had a little fun with them, it’s not our fault they’re such losers.” When asked for further comment, Brady told the reporters surrounding his locker to “get bent,” and then headed out to the Pats parking lot where he jumped into his cool sportscar and kissed his hot, blonde girlfriend. “We’re gonna go have some sex now, probably all week,” said Brady, “see you jerk-offs in the Playoffs.”

It was an exciting atmosphere in the locker room following the Patriots 27-24 defeat of the Ravens on Monday night. New England and the referees from the game engaged in the usual post-match celebration antics. Towels were whipped, loud victory music played, and even a little champaign poured on the heads of some of the refs as the Patriots kept their perfect season alive and moved to 12-0.

Bill Belichick interrupted the fun with an announcement, "I want to give the game ball from tonight, to the men who earned it the most. When the game looked like it was nearly lost, when we were stopped 3 times on that final drive on 4th downs, you guys stepped up and brought us back from the abyss. This one goes to the refs!"

Cheers erupted from the locker room for their all-stars from that night. The head referee took a moment to speak, "Thank you everyone. We played a tough one out there today. We had to make up some calls at times to make sure you guys could stay in the game. Illegal hands to the chop block, roughing the false start, pass-interference-facemask-unabated to the tight end. But we hope no one will find out these calls made no sense until it's too late to reverse the score or anything. We want to thank you guys for acting like a penalty should be called after every bad play, to give us an excuse for throwing a flag. You guys are the best! Hey Tom, can you sign my daughter's t-shirt for me?"

While everything was happy with the Pats, the Baltimore locker room was a different story. "We came so close," said a disappointed Brian Billick. "We studied hours and hours of tape on these referees, but they threw some new stuff at us tonight we just weren't ready for. Penalizing the team 15 yards to start the game because I wasn't wearing a sweatshirt, that was a little harsh."

Despite all the one-sided calls early on, Baltimore still had a chance late when a hail mary play got them down to the 3 yard line of New England. But from out of nowhere a sideline judge dove onto the field and tackled Mark Clayton to the ground. "It's all about making a good hit and wrapping up your man", said the enthusiastic judge after the game. "Coach Belichick always tells us to hit them hard and take down the legs, and that's just what I did. I think we're on our way to history, and a Super Bowl."

SportsComedian.com
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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• While McNabb may be up and down with his on-the-field play during his career, at least he remains healthy every season.
• Carson Palmer is going to go crazy this week in Arizona, and has vowed to throw 4 TD passes, but he did not specify to which team.
• The Miami Dolphins humiliation tour will end with a stop in Philadelphia. There is no way they can lose to ex-Dolphin bust A.J. Feeley. They've already fallen to former busts Daunte Culpepper and Sage Rosenfels. If they can somehow add a game with Chicago, they can complete the gauntlet by losing one the Brian Griese as well.
• I wish I had a job where I drew on a whiteboard all day, illustrating shipping procedures like that guy on the UPS commercials. He doesn't have a care in the world obviously, as he has grown a mullet the size of which hasn't been seen North of Georgia. That's not just a mullet, that's a mullet with UPS.
• Sometimes a wide receiver throws a pass on a trick play, sometimes it happens twice in a game, but hardly ever do their 2 passes look better than every complete game thrown by your starters the entire season. Vikings, please tell me your QB coach is not making more than $5 dollars per week.
• NBC Execs- "We have chosen the one game that will be kept close against New England for the rest of the season! Glad we moved the game to tonight, these will be some great ratings!"
• Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are about done in their careers. There isn't too much left in the tank.
• The secret behind that Verizon Wireless commercial where the dad with way too gray hair tells everyone in his family they are his number one while being a general #### and wearing a sweater vest: That crowd outside his house is not his "network", they are lynching mob who've assembled to kill him for being annoying beyond description.
• When you can lose your first 8 games and still have a shot at winning the division or you can be the Denver Broncos and be in first place, you aren't playing in real divisions. Can we separate the west from the rest of the United States so they can have their own league of crappiness?
• Reasons I'm picking Detroit and New Orleans to go far in the post-season: they can really put some points on the board.
• In case anyone hasn't heard, and if so where have you been, under a rock or something? The McRib is back! Despite McDonald's announcing last year they were having a farewell tour for the sandwich and it will never return, it is here once again. I, of course, was camped outside a McDonald's the night before waiting for it to open so I could get the first one. I then learned the McDonald's was open 24-hours. Damn it. So where has the McRib been all this time? Maybe visiting Germany, the one place where it is sold year round, which means Germany is the closest approximation to Heaven on earth.