ESPN announced their depth chart for the upcoming season on Monday, and the biggest shock was that longtime Monday Morning quarterback John Clayton has been dropped to 2nd on the depth chart. The move comes as a major surprise to many, who have been fans of Clayton's day after declarations of how he would have done plays differently. But some felt Clayton's skill in correcting late-game decisions was beginning to wane in recent years. "He just didn't have the same fire he used to," said Dave Boggs, a longtime ESPN watcher. "Back in the day Clayton would just tear into coaches. If they got an interception, he'd rip into the coach for daring to throw the ball when they have a guy on the team with hands who can just hold the ball. If a team went for a field goal instead of a touchdown and they ended up losing by 3, he would criticize them for not having a mathematician and a telepath on the sidelines to see into the future. He was brutal."

But many ESPN fans were calling for a Monday Morning QB change last year when, after the Seahawks tried to run it in on a 4th and goal and failed, Clayton did not chastise them for not throwing over the top. Many felt it was a sign of old age, he had lost the spark he had during his prime. Replacing Clayton will be a hotshot rookie MMQB, reporter Rick Engle. Engle impressed viewers during a fill in for Clayton one day last season when he went down with a bad case of the shits. Engle called out the mother of Bengals QB Carson Palmer, after a tough loss to rival Pittburgh, for not realizing back in 1979 when he was being created that she was giving life to someone who can not properly read double strong side coverage.

People called it some of the best Monday Morning Quarterbacking they had seen in 20 years. NFL Live host Chris Berman said in the offseason there would be an open MMQB competition to see who could win the job, and apparently Engle showed them enough to make it official. He will open the season in the NFL Live debut show before the first game. It is offen the toughest show to play MMQB for, as there are not any decisions to second guess in hindsight, with a bird's eye view of the game, and without ever having any actual experience playing or coaching football. It's not an easy position to play, but one Clayton has performed in admirably for years. We'll see how this young rookie does in the Fall.

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

A source close to Bill Parcells has informed TSC that Cam Cameron has been dismissed as coach of Miami today. Though names like Bill Cowher and Jason Garrett have been tossed around by other media outlets, TSC has learned that Parcells, never one to go conventional, plans to name his lucky Magic 8-ball the Dolphins next head coach. According to the source, its his lucky charm that he’s had since he was a kid, and its helped him through a lot of tough decisions in his career. And honestly, he thinks the Dolphins have a better shot of winning by relying on the wisdom of a cheap plastic toy than relying on Cam Cameron.

TSC was able to gain an exclusive interview with the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins and the first toy coach in league history:

TSC: “Bill Parcells has not wasted any time in making changes since being hired to run the Dolphins and fans are expecting immediate improvement. Do you think you will be able to live up to their expectations?”

Coach 8-Ball: “You May Rely On It”

TSC: “Wow, that’s a pretty confident response for someone with absolutely zero coaching experience. That must mean you think Coach Cameron is a complete ####?”

Coach 8-Ball: “It Is Certain”

TSC: Well alright then. Coach, this year the Dolphins started Trent Green and Cleo Lemon at QB, don’t those guys sound more like characters in the Clue board game?

Coach 8-Ball: “Signs Point to Yes”

TSC: I take it that means you’ll be heading in a different direction at QB, is it possible the Dolphins will go after Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Concentrate and Ask Again”

TSC: Um. . .okay. . .will the Dolphins try to sign Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Reply Hazy, Try Again”

TSC: Maybe we'll just move on. Some fans are hoping that the Dolphins will draft RB Darrin McFadden with the first pick, your thoughts?

Coach 8-Ball: “Outlook Not So Good”

TSC: So that means you’re going defense and Glen Dorsey?

Coach 8-Ball: “Don't Count On It”

TSC: “So will you entertain offers to trade away the first pick?”

Coach 8-Ball: “Better Not Tell You Now”

TSC: “Alright, well this interview is getting a little weird frankly, so let me just ask you in closing, what can you say to Dolphin fans everywhere who are expecting to make a playoff run in 2008?”

Coach 8-Ball: “My Sources Say No.”

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
• Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
• Unfrozen from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
• Why does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
• Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
• Obviously with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
• Alright Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole lot less hilarious.
• Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises everyone by showing he's not retired.
• Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
• The Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998, although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record is better.
  
• People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large. For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of National Treasure 2.

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Beginning his press conference with what can only be described as the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation ever, Brian Billick stated that he has informed Ravens management this week that he will be returning to coach the team next season. “I’ll be back,” said Billick, “management has been told of my imminent return to this team.” When asked why he was so confident about his job status despite his team’s poor on-the-field performance, Billick revealed that he has just returned from the future where he discovered that he was still head coach of the Baltimore Ravens.

“I saw a lot of crazy things,” Billick noted, “for instance, five years from now it will be discovered that the New England Patriots are really just a bunch of cyborgs constructed by Bill Belichick in his basement using spare parts from a 1970 AMC Gremlin.” Billick went on to reveal that after totally dominating the NFL for many seasons, Tom Brady (or Lord Brady) as he is known in the future, set his sights on world domination. According to Billick, it appeared that Lord Brady and his forces would easily conquer earth before moving on to other planets. But after many years in exile at a top secret location, Bill Belichick returned and began training an underground force of humans to resist Lord Brady. “It wasn’t a pretty sight,” said Billick “just before I returned the world was in the midst of a bloody battle between humans and Brady’s half robot/half supermodel army.”

As a stunned group of reporters sat silent in disbelief, Billick noted that “all that stuff’s not important right now. I’m the head coach of the Ravens and we’ve got a game to win this week. But if I were you, I would take Miami and the points.”

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

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Pittsburgh Steelers DB Anthony Smith is guaranteeing a win over the New England Patriots this Sunday in Foxborough. The exact details of the guarantee are unknown at this time, but it's believed to be a full money-back guarantee for Steelers fans. What you'll be reimbursed for is yet unknown, but this is an exciting announcement.

"The Steelers, of course, have America's best warranty. 100,000 mile Powertrain coverage," said Smith. "I want to make sure that it's backed up on the field. If you apply for the warranty in the event of a loss to the Pats, you will need to show proof that you have gone in for all your scheduled Steeler Fan Maintenance. This includes showing you actually bought a Kordell Stewart jersey, you have an item signed by Tommy Maddux, and every towel in your house is a terrible towel. I know they are small and drying off from a shower would require about 6 of them, but that's what a dedicated Steeler fan does."

This guarantee should add greatly to the excitement surrounding this game on Sunday, which many see as the last realistic chance the Patriots have to lose before the end of the season. Also Smith has no idea, like everyone else on earth, what the hell a Powertrain is.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
• John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
• Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
  
• Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
• The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
• I picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
• Is there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience likes.
• I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
• Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
  
• That commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
• Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
• The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
  
• Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!

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Even Mother Nature couldn't will the Miami Dolphins to a win Monday night, although she did try to help her favorite NFL team. Rain, rain, and more rain was heaped upon the field before the game, leaving the grass resembling more a lake than anything else. She has been watching the Dolphins flounder all season, and thought the only way perhaps to help them was to flood the field. "They are the Dolphins, they should be able to play a better game under water. The Steelers? What do they even do, process steel? There is no way they are going to be able to beat Miami in their own element. I've been saving up rain from the southern California area for months, and I'm gonna unleash it on those damn Steelers," said an angry Mother Nature before the game.

But even her ingenious plan was not enough. Although it did slow down the Steelers, the Dolphins played offensively about how they usually do, which resulted in 0 points and 2 more injuries to their running backs, including the returning Ricky Williams. When you sustain more injuries in a game than score points, things are going pretty bad for your team. Mother Nature was irate after the game, "How did we blow this one?! I kept them scoreless for 59 minutes and 43 seconds, and they still couldn't win?! I give up! I'm going to just become a Patriots fan like everybody else! But first, I'm going to go monsoon Thailand in retribution."

Jeff Reed's 24-yard field goal with 17 seconds left Monday night gave Pittsburgh a 3-0 victory against winless Miami, the first time in 64 years an NFL game went that long without any points. It was the league's lowest-scoring game since Dec. 11, 1993, when the New York Jets beat Washington 3-0.

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Most of the team found it more than a little odd that Ben Roethlisberger was constantly celebrating on the sidelines with a dead guy in a body bag, but when a guy throws 5 TDs, you don't want to mess with his rythm.

(AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

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