The Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling bread tax. It was harsh."

Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to marry me, actually."

The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman. "That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that. We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe, I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."

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There is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into custody anyway.

Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"

The Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo. Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us fall down the stairs."

TSC stood by as they scratched off one of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in this great win for the franchise."

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It was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o####reat coach is more than we've ever had here before. Apparently he will rotate which games and practices he goes to every day. The rest of the time the players will just be able to hang out, and even call whatever plays they want in the games. It's going to be different, but I think they're going to really like the freedom they have out there."

The Miami Heat's Pat Riley was not as upbeat about the announcement. "When we first entered into negotiations for Brown we were not aware of this time-sharing thing. As I understood it, we would get actually 1/4 of his body. I was hoping to be able to get his head and maybe his right arm. That was he can still think, talk, and maybe point at the ref and yell occasionally. That's all you really need, and I thought the rest of us had worked over the Bobcats pretty good and just stuck them with Larry Brown's feet. This sucks, that's all I can really say."

Brown had a much more ominous message during his press conference, in which he came out dressed in a black cloak. He stepped up to the podium where he pulled back his hood and lifted a red goblet from it. "12 teams down, 18 to go," muttered Brown. "Then, I win the game. Then, I rule the nether-verse. You foolish mortals are falling into my trap perfectly." He then took a sip from the glass and walked away without answering a single question. Larry Brown, always the showman.

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The ref asks who in the hell just took that awful three point shot that completely missed the basket.

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Pat Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."

"Maybe trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."

"That is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."

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The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.

• 
  Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the Nuggets are about to pay the price for this.
  
  Prediction: Lakers 4-0
  
  
• 
  Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks. This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them. Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one.
  
  Prediction: Hornets 4-2
  
  
• 
  Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up. I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
  
  Prediction: Suns 4-3
  
  
• 
  Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5): Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
  
  Prediction: Rockets 4-3
  

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A day after setting the record for fewest field goals in a game, the Miami Heat have hired a private investigator to check on where exactly their shots are going instead of through the net. "I have a su####ion our field goals are sneaking around on us when they are supposed to be going in the hoop," said head coach Pat Riley. "There is no way we could make so few in a game. We want to find out exactly what those shots are up to. I didn't want to say anything publicly, but we've been making a lot less field goals at home during practice. Every time I try to get them to go, the shots say they have a headache and are too tired to go in the basket. When we first met, it was every day, nonstop scores. But now, it's getting tough to even get it in there."

The investigator, Nick Everett, was outside the arena during the 3rd quarter when a 17-foot jumper that Ricky Davis launched left the venue. "The shot told Ricky it was going into the basket when it left his fingers," said Everett. But sure enough it didn't go in, but it did jump into it's car and head to a strip club downtown. I followed the shot as it went in to the establishment and got several very private lap dances. I had to blend in, so I was forced to get a few myself on the Heat's tab. It was horrible. After going in the VIP room for a little bit the shot emerged and headed for the parking lot with one of the girls. I confronted it and the woman there. Apparently the shot claimed it was heading back to the basket now so it could go in, but the woman lived close to the basket and wanted a ride. I followed them discreetly for some time and they never made it back to the arena, instead stopping off in a park. I must also say I've never seen a woman lick a basketball so much, or get it to fit in some very strange places. It was grotesque, but also amazing."

A teary-eyed Pat Riley had a quick talk with the press after hearing the news. "I knew it! I'm here trying to coach a basketball game, raise these kids into real players, and our shots are out shmoozing with other women! I'm disgusted, and I vow we won't take another shot all season. Then we'll see who really needs who. Hopefully we can start winning some games now that we're taking out our biggest problem, the shot itself."

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Shaquille O'Neal has been voted into his 15th all-star game, for his exceptional sitting on a bench during the first half of the season. Shaq has been riding the pine since mid-December when he injured his hip diving for a loose ball. He's been so good at sitting on the bench, Phoenix traded two of their star players for him in a deal last week. "We know Shaq is still one of the best big men to ever sit on the sidelines," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "For a big man to be able to do the things he does over there is just amazing. Just the other day he was watching one of our games when he was able to lean behind him, while crosslegged, and grab a cup of gatorade. The table must have been 3-4 feet away from the bench, it was amazing."

Shaq was voted in by the fans after sitting on the bench better than anyone else in the league, and for two different teams. He will be on the sidelines of the Western Conference All-Stars for the entirety of the game, and may even participate in the Slam Sitting Competition. Usually only rookies and unknowns take part in the sitting exhibition, where players attempt to come up with the most innovative bench sitting styles ever seen. This year could be one of the first that has participation by one of the big names in the NBA.

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The people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"

The graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro. They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's Just Ronny Being Ronny!"

So far sales of the new Fatheads has been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008. But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.

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According to reports early Wednesday, Shaq has been traded from the Miami Heat to the Phoenix Suns in exchange Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. Only two years removed from winning a World Championship with Miami, Shaq is having one of his most unproductive seasons in years and the Heat have compiled only 9 wins so far. The 14-time all-star who owns 4 NBA championships now faces the biggest challenge of his career, passing the required physical.

"It's gonna be tough," said Shaq in his trademark monotone mumble. "Physicals have never been the strong point in my game. But, I've been working on it in the offseason. I had a trainer practice with me the turn the head and cough while they grab your little Diesel about 50 times per day. But that one thing where they put you on that scale thing and tell you your weight, I always fail that."

The hype for this physical is building to massive proportions for the fans in Phoenix, and it's expected to be a sold out doctor's office. The physician he will be playing against in the physical will be Dr. Sameer Pendalooza, known for having some of the toughest tests in the business. "I've played against Dr. Pendalooza in the past," said former patient Mark Reynolds. "His biggest strength is the blood pressure test, that thing is brutal. But if you stay high on him, don't allow him to box you out, and also avoid saturated fats for a couple of weeks, you should be able to get past it to the basket."

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"Look ref, you've gotta throw me out of the game or something. Coach won't stop showing me his hand puppets. Please!"

(AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin)

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