Originally
critics thought Step Brothers to be one of the better Will Ferrall
comedies to come out in a long time, mainly due to the fact that it was
not based on a wacky sports concept such as Talledega Nights, Semi-Pro,
or that one with Napoleon Dynomite about ice skating. But it recently
came under review by officials after Andy Reid threw his red challenge
flag after watching the film this weekend. "It really wasn't that
good," said Reid after leaving the theater. "It's just the same old
shtick Farrell always does. These critics need to take a closer look at
it, from multiple angles, and then make the right call on whether this
is a good film or not."
Referees then announced to the world
they would be reviewing the film, as Reid was challenging the fact that
the film was not called a "steaming pile of reptile ####" in any
published review. They then went behind a giant camera to view the
movie in slow motion, just to make sure they hadn't missed anything.
Watching the 2 hour movie in such slow motion stretched it out to a
staggering 19 hours, and made all dialogue in the film unintelligible.
They also ordered extra unused camera angles from the studio to make
sure they didn't miss any funny things that may have been out of frame.
After
about a day's worth of reviewing, they finally stepped out, turned on
their mics, and announced that the call on the field was reversed, and
the film is indeed a bunch of steaming reptile #### The crowd in
attendance, made up mostly of Will Farrell and the director of the
film, booed loudly at the verdict.
"Well, I don't think I
laughed at all," said head referee Ed Hochuli. "There was one point
near hour 11 where I almost cracked a smile at a funny face John C.
Reilly made, but it just didn't happen. I'm sure some Monday morning
quarterbacks are going to argue that being able to understand their
words would have helped. But I really don't think so, not when the
reptile #### is this hot and steaming."
Reid was very happy with
the call, and has one more challenge to use this year. He is thinking
about using it on Disaster Movie, if anyone dares to give it a decent
review, but may save it for something later in the year.
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
Miami Dolphins: According
to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing
formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or
not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week. F for Fancy
Minnesota Vikings:
They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John
David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls,
having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10
phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad. D for Dum Dums
New England Patriots: They
got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of
their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the
third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at
that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won
3 or 4 Super Bowls by now. W for We All Hate You Patriots
New Orleans Saints: They
drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The
Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just
how it's actually done. H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
New York Giants:
They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third
round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive
powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers.
Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop
him now. Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
New York Jets: Well,
at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can
really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the
word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in
a retarded middle-aged spelling bee. T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
Philadelphia Eagles:
They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row,
but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some
players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's
Big Board. T for Take That You Permed ####
Pittsburgh Steelers: The
Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything
like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make
some awesome chocolate. S for Swedish Chocolate
St. Louis Rams: They
picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it
has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as
fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL
Sunday. They can only hope. R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
San Francisco 49ers:
None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco
49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into
picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as
soon as he realized the ruse. C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years. H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl
MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them
back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were
represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth. P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
Tennessee Titans: Well,
they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback?
Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally
gets open Vince. Good luck. B for Boobs
Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done. M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
Terrell
Owens was informed today that he owes $769,120 to his old team the
Philadelphia Eagles, as his divorce from them has finally gone through.
The former Hollywood power couple, dubbed Terreagles by the media, was
the "It" couple all through 2004. They appeared on lists of the hottest
young couples, attended all the major movie premieres and parties. They
had several human-eagle mutant children, that were a medical miracle at
the time. It's unknown how Owens was able to mate with an actual eagle,
or why he would even try, but the photos of the babies went for
millions of dollars to Star magazine. One adorable photo sticks in
everyone's mind, that of Owens regurgitating some chewed up vegetables
into the beak of his daughter.
But some time in 2005, the
relationship started to sour. Many rumors circulated as to what the
trouble in paradise was. Many believed the Eagles wanted some more
children, and maybe even a championship, something Owens wasn't ready
to give them. Others believe he started secretly dating Tony Romo, when
the two appeared together in a Right Guard commercial. Whatever the
case, the two divorced a mere 7 games into the 2005 season. With Owens
not having filed a pre-nup, the Eagles began litigation to receive half
of his earnings as well as child support for their mutant children, who
have to attend a special private school for genetic abominations.
The
most exciting time of the year is here in the NFL, and I'm of course
talking about the NFL NIT Selection. Nothing is better than finding out
all the interesting first round matchups for the tournament for teams
that weren't quite good enough to make it to the real playoffs. We at
TSC are covering the selection show live, and are here with all the
first round games and some analysis.
Cleveland Browns vs.
Gardening: The Brownsleftthe stadium Sunday knowing they had an outside
shot at the number 6 seed in the AFC. But the Titans disrupted those
plans by beating the Colts. While not being able to get that last seed,
Romeo Crennel gave his team some actual tomato and sunflower seeds and
told them maybe they should take up gardening in the offseason, as
football might not be for them.
Cincinnati Bengals vs.
Cincinnati Police Department: These two old rivals will battle it out
once again this year. The Bengals managed to avoid any serious offenses
this season, but there is still plenty of bad blood between the two.
Receiver Chris Henry is especially mad about a domestic abuse arrest
last year, something he claims was only because his wife asked him to
"Show me what boxing feels like."
Houston Texans vs. Pink
Dancing Elephants: The Houston Texans are going up against those damn
pink dancing elephants from Disney's Fantasia. Because the Texans are
obviously living in Fantasia if they thought they had a chance at the
playoffs with Sage Rosenfels at the helm.
Philadelphia Eagles
vs. Mark Wahlberg: Philly will face off with their acting equivalent in
Mark Wahlberg. If you saw him in his band Marky Mark & The Funky
Bunch, you probably thought he sucked, but if you see him now in movies
like The Departed, you say "Hey! He's pretty good after all!" That is
probably also what you are saying now about the Eagles, despite them
looking like carmelized dog #### only 4 weeks ago.
Minnesota
Vikings vs. Killer Robots: This matchup makes no sense whatsoever, it
would just be cool to see Vikings fight killer robots. It may be too
cool actually. I don't know if we would be able to handle it.
Arizona
Cardinals vs. Rob Schneider: The Arizona Cardinals are opposing that
Rob Schneider character from the Adam Sandler movies who yells "You can
do it!" and "We suck again!" which is pretty much the embodiment of
every Cardinals fan. Also it's been about as long since Rob Schneider
has been funny as it's been since the Cardinals have had an even decent
team.
“I’m
sick of feeling all warm and fuzzy inside,” said a concerned Terrell
Owens at his press conference in Dallas today, “It’s unfair to me, and
it’s unfair to all those people out there who have grown to despise me
and my antics over the years. I’m doing this for them.”
Owens called the press conference to address his team’s current success
and his apparent transformation into a team-player willing to check his
attitude and ego at the locker-room door. At 11-1, the Cowboys seem to
have excellent team chemistry and appear to be on their way to their
first Super Bowl appearance since 1996. While this is certainly good
news for the Cowboy nation, it’s troubling for Owens, who is beginning
to get “all creeped out” by the “lovey-dovey ####” that is accompanying
his team’s rise to the top. “During last week’s game I made an
unbelievable catch in the endzone, and as I was running back to the
bench one of my teammates slapped me on the back and said “nice catch,
T.O.” He said it just like he knew me or something. I couldn’t believe
it.” It was this and similar incidents that has Owens fearing that some
of his Cowboy teammates may actually be warming up to him. “I mean just
because I don’t yell at my teammates on the sidelines or sit by myself
sulking at the end of the bench doesn’t mean that I actually want to be
friends with any of these people.”
In his remarks today,
Owens made it clear that he had no intention of accepting a friendship
bracelet offered to him by teammate Jason Witten, and that he is
officially declining an invite to Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett’s
slumber party after the Eagles game. Owens was also quick to dispel
reports of a possible friendship brewing between himself and Cowboys
signal caller Tony Romo, whom Owens said has a smile so big that it
“haunts my dreams at night.” “Romo’s a decent quarterback,” said Owens,
“and he’s figured out he should throw me the ball, but that doesn’t
mean I’m in love with the guy. Last week during film session he passed
me a note that said “Will you be my friend? Check Yes or No” What is
that?!?! He must have me confused with (Tampa Bay Bucs QB) Jeff Garcia
or something.”
In an effort to earn his reputation back,
Owens committed to less smiling, laughing, and joking around with his
teammates for the remainder of the season. “I like winning and all, but
not if it means I have to start getting along with people. Make no
mistake, I’m still the same jerk I’ve always been.”
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
While McNabb may be up and down with his on-the-field play during his career, at least he remains healthy every season.
Carson
Palmer is going to go crazy this week in Arizona, and has vowed to
throw 4 TD passes, but he did not specify to which team.
The
Miami Dolphins humiliation tour will end with a stop in Philadelphia.
There is no way they can lose to ex-Dolphin bust A.J. Feeley. They've
already fallen to former busts Daunte Culpepper and Sage Rosenfels. If
they can somehow add a game with Chicago, they can complete the
gauntlet by losing one the Brian Griese as well.
I wish I had a
job where I drew on a whiteboard all day, illustrating shipping
procedures like that guy on the UPS commercials. He doesn't have a care
in the world obviously, as he has grown a mullet the size of which
hasn't been seen North of Georgia. That's not just a mullet, that's a
mullet with UPS.
Sometimes a wide receiver throws a pass
on a trick play, sometimes it happens twice in a game, but hardly ever
do their 2 passes look better than every complete game thrown by your
starters the entire season. Vikings, please tell me your QB coach is
not making more than $5 dollars per week.
NBC Execs- "We have
chosen the one game that will be kept close against New England for the
rest of the season! Glad we moved the game to tonight, these will be
some great ratings!"
Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are about done in their careers. There isn't too much left in the tank.
The
secret behind that Verizon Wireless commercial where the dad with way
too gray hair tells everyone in his family they are his number one
while being a general #### and wearing a sweater vest: That crowd
outside his house is not his "network", they are lynching mob who've
assembled to kill him for being annoying beyond description.
When
you can lose your first 8 games and still have a shot at winning the
division or you can be the Denver Broncos and be in first place, you
aren't playing in real divisions. Can we separate the west from the
rest of the United States so they can have their own league of
crappiness?
Reasons I'm picking Detroit and New Orleans to go far in the post-season: they can really put some points on the board.
In
case anyone hasn't heard, and if so where have you been, under a rock
or something? The McRib is back! Despite McDonald's announcing last
year they were having a farewell tour for the sandwich and it will
never return, it is here once again. I, of course, was camped outside a
McDonald's the night before waiting for it to open so I could get the
first one. I then learned the McDonald's was open 24-hours. Damn it. So
where has the McRib been all this time? Maybe visiting Germany, the one
place where it is sold year round, which means Germany is the closest
approximation to Heaven on earth.
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Uh oh, the San Diego defense on my fantasy team is going up against that fearsome Colts offense. They never turn the ball over.
Brooks Bollinger will pass for more than 8 yards in the first half against Green Bay.
The key to the New Orleans resurgence has been that defense, they are just good at keeping people out of the endzone.
After
years of seeing Wendy as only an idealized red-headed girl on the
Wendy's logo, the truth has finally been revealed. She is actually a
riot-inciting crossdresser who lives in a dream world where people chop down trees with their feet and jump into holes.
Philadelphia
just always seems to run out of steam in the 4th quarter, look for them
to be burried on Veteran's Day by the team from our nation's capital.
The
thing that impresses me most about the Raiders is that they can plug
any QB into that system and they can succeed. Look for a lot of points
Sunday.
I've seen a person with dreadlocks maybe 2 times in all
my real life. I see at least 5 people with dreadlocks on the football
field at all times. Someone should investigate this.
I just got
my ticket for the Detroit Lions bandwagon! Wahoo! Nothing is gonna slow
this thing down now! Wait a minute, is that a cardinal in the middle of
the road to the Super Bowl? Surely that won't derail this Detroit
Express.
For fans of the greatest comedy show on TV right now,
the 2007 Miami Dolphins, they will not be disappointed and have to
watch an actual close football game.
I think we can all agree
the best thing about NFL broadcasts is the TD-Commercial Break-Kickoff
Return-Immediate Second Commercial Break sequence. Nothing gets you
into the game after a score like a 10 second interlude of football
between commercials.
Some fool in my fantasy league traded me Adrian Peterson for that washed up old Donovan McNabb?! The title is mine!
There is no way the Cowboys can beat the Giants when they are wearing their ridiculous all-red jerseys.
If
there is one thing we can all be thankful for during this WGA writer's
strike, it's that it finally stopped The Big #### Theory, and their
horrible promos from existing. Let's hope this thing goes on for
awhile. I think sacrificing every show and movie forever might be worth
it to stop this horrible sitcom.
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Everyone
is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are
the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams
instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in
these cities.
Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
If
I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr.
That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack.
He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
Why
is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like
Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they
might actually win a game.
The NFL will re-evaluate their rules
after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this
weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We
should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something.
We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must
lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra!
". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when
all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You
know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild
adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body.
That's what happens.
The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
Quinn
Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep
them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
"Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea
. It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we
discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now
make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or
maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the
case."
I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am
the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some
of them were slightly off:
The high-octane, fast paced,
non-sloppy version of football we play here in America will capture the
attention of Europe after this exhibition game. We don't kick balls
here, we throw them long into the endzone! (Actual Offensive Tally Sunday: 3 FGs, 2 PATs, 1 Passing TD)
The
Patriots finally come up against a good passing defense this week. Look
for trips to the endzone to be scarce for New England.
If you
trust you take financial investing advice from cartoon people, then you
should put your money with Charles Shwab. Apparently they all do.
Once the Jets make the change to Kellen Clemens they will benefit immensely from his accuracy and mistake-free play.
Why is nobody starting Brooks Bollinger? His name is Brooks Bollinger!
After
years of Subway serving subs with so little meat even vegetarians will
eat them, of using veggies that taste like wet pieces of slime, of
serving "fresh-baked" bread that makes you long for Wonder brand.
Subway is now giving soup the same wonderful treatment. Stop in today!
The Bengals don't suck!(My most inaccurate day-too-late prediction of all time)
Now that Trent Edwards is solidified as the Buffalo starter, they can finally get some consistency at the QB position.
The
Dolphins were dumb to trade Daunte Culpepper, he will continue to light
it up for Oakland and put all kinds of points on the board.
The
Geico Gecko's accent keeps getting progressively more British. Pretty
soon their commercials will sound like "When you're done snogging in
your car, be sure to check the bonnet and see if your cherry could use
some more petrol. My! I'm feeling a wee bit knackered, I better hit the
loo before I get all mingered. Oh yes, also save some quid with Geico."
I
finally unloaded Drew Brees on some unsuspecting sap in my fantasy
league! I got Matt Schaub in return! How do you spell Victory?
With
McNabb sucking up the field, it's going to be Brian Westbrook's high
yards per carry that will lead the Eagles to a win this week.
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Originally
critics thought Step Brothers to be one of the better Will Ferrall
comedies to come out in a long time, mainly due to the fact that it was
not based on a wacky sports concept such as Talledega Nights, Semi-Pro,
or that one with Napoleon Dynomite about ice skating. But it recently
came under review by officials after Andy Reid threw his red challenge
flag after watching the film this weekend. "It really wasn't that
good," said Reid after leaving the theater. "It's just the same old
shtick Farrell always does. These critics need to take a closer look at
it, from multiple angles, and then make the right call on whether this
is a good film or not."
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
Terrell
Owens was informed today that he owes $769,120 to his old team the
Philadelphia Eagles, as his divorce from them has finally gone through.
The former Hollywood power couple, dubbed Terreagles by the media, was
the "It" couple all through 2004. They appeared on lists of the hottest
young couples, attended all the major movie premieres and parties. They
had several human-eagle mutant children, that were a medical miracle at
the time. It's unknown how Owens was able to mate with an actual eagle,
or why he would even try, but the photos of the babies went for
millions of dollars to Star magazine. One adorable photo sticks in
everyone's mind, that of Owens regurgitating some chewed up vegetables
into the beak of his daughter. 
The
most exciting time of the year is here in the NFL, and I'm of course
talking about the NFL NIT Selection. Nothing is better than finding out
all the interesting first round matchups for the tournament for teams
that weren't quite good enough to make it to the real playoffs. We at
TSC are covering the selection show live, and are here with all the
first round games and some analysis. 
“I’m
sick of feeling all warm and fuzzy inside,” said a concerned Terrell
Owens at his press conference in Dallas today, “It’s unfair to me, and
it’s unfair to all those people out there who have grown to despise me
and my antics over the years. I’m doing this for them.” 
