Peyton Manning was ruled out of the second preseason game for the Indianapolis Colts, as he continues to recover from the infected bursa sac he had removed from his knee a couple of weeks ago. Manning's PR agent Johnny Philips held a press conference to assure fans of the quarterback, especially the ladies, that he would be back and just as good as before.

"I know a lot of you are worried about Peyton," said Philips. "And it is a commonly known fact that what makes a quarterback great is his giant sack. Brady, Elway, Marino, Favre, we are talking about some of the biggest sacks in history here. But, I assure you that the removal of this sack will in no way affect Peyton's play on the field. You see, Peyton is such a great quarterback because he has multiple sacks hidden throughout his body. That's where he gets his special ability, his intangibles out on the field. He has his normal male sack, a sack on his right shoulder, two more sacks inside his lower abdomen, the sack in his knee, and if he ever took off his shoes you would see that he has not a foot, but a giant sack down there too. This is a man who still, despite the loss, still sweats manliness from his pores. He could get a woman pregnant from touching her after a brisk jog. So, I think we're going to be fine. He will be back soon."

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Despite an enthusiastic "Eeeehhhhh!" for old time's sake, there was no denying that the Fonze was just a little too old to be cool.

(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

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Marvin Harrison has been questioned in connection to a shooting that took place near a carwash he owns in Pennsylvania. Police say Harrison turned over a revolver belonging to him, and bullet casings from the shooting match the gun. Harrison denies direct involvement in the incident which took place on Saturday when a man identified by police only as Mr. Green was at the carwash with his wife Scarlett.

Professor Paul Plum, a teacher of forensics at Penn State says the crime points heavily to Harrison, as the murder weapon is known to be his. It's unknown where exactly the shooting took place, but it could have been in the billiards room or the conservatory of the carwash. The owner of Mrs. Peacock's, an italian restaurant next door, phoned in a call to police early Saturday when she heard 6 shots fired. A Mrs. White was at the carwash at the time, but indoors and unable to give the police any other information than a young male in a hood.

The chief police investigator on the case, Colonel William Mustard, says they were lucky to have the gun turned in, as original examination of the victim pointed to a candlestick or possibly a lead pipe being the weapon used. Officer Mustard says that they have received a small envelope today at the station from an anonymous person which included three cards including a Marvin Harrison rookie card. He would not give any more information than that, but said the envelope was being treated like evidence, and could lead to an endgame soon. In the mean time, the police will continue searching for more clues.

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The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

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The people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"

The graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro. They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's Just Ronny Being Ronny!"

So far sales of the new Fatheads has been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008. But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.

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A local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"5...days until kickoff," replied the man in a whisper.

"Oh my god, he's pretty far gone. We're going to need to prep him for surgery," said the doctor as they disappeared into one of the patient rooms.

While the surgery was taking place, we spoke to his wife, who had driven him to the hospital. "I don't know what happened to him," she said. "We were eating dinner, and he kept flipping from ESPN, to ESPN News, to FOX Sports, as he usually does. Then he just started screaming, and grabbing his head. I didn't know what the problem was, so I brought him here right away."

The doctor came out of the room after a couple of hours. "It's not pretty, but I think we have him stabilized. At times like these it's quite common for someone to experience a Super Bowl hype overexposure. In a normal NFL week, people have only 6 days to take in all the hype surrounding a game, and they have many games to choose from. But at this time of year, the condition worsens due to the 2-week layoff, the single game, and the need for networks to try and find interesting stories about it for all that time. The human body wasn't designed to handle this much of the same regurgitate hype. The Brady boot, the Manning brothers, Spygate, Belichick and Coughlin's douchiness, the undefeated season, we had heard it all by last Monday, but they're still the top headline on every show and website. We had to inject him with a 10 CC's of college basketball, and then actually cut him open and insert some MLB offseason trade news. I think he's gonna pull through."

During the recovery we were allowed to speak briefly with the man. "I'm feeling much better now. It was something around the 200th talking head that came on ESPN to talk about whether they thought Brady's injury was real or not, when something went off in my brain. It was like an explosion of boredom. I just couldn't wait to get to the game, so it could all just be over with. The doctor says I'm going to be on daily doses of NBA, and then if there's improvement I might be able to watch the last 15 minutes of a super pre-game show. Any more than that and it's likely I'll have to hear all these same stories again. I just wanna say that I love my family, and with their help I'm going to pull through this."

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By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

Archie Manning announced this week that he and his superstar son Peyton will appear in numerous cut-away camera shots during the upcoming Super Bowl. Archie stated that the elder Mannings are appearing as part of a Fox Sports sub-plot which will continuously make reference to the fact that the youngest Manning, who led his team to a Super Bowl berth this season, is ironically the son and brother of two much better and much more famous quarterbacks.

“I was a little disappointed last year because most of the focus seemed to be on Peyton and his on the field play.” Manning said. “Everyone expected him to be there and to play well, so they only cut away to shots of me and the rest of the family like two or three times max. But this time around we’ve had some discussions with the folks over at Fox and they’ve agreed to pan up to our skybox much more during this year. I think it will make the Super Bowl much more interesting for the average fan if they are able to see our reaction to every play that Eli makes on the field. And let's face it, Peyton and I are just much more interesting than Eli anyway, even Eli knows that.”

Respected around the league for their tireless preparation, the Mannings have been working on an updated version of their family hug that they plan to unveil on the off chance that Eli should happen to throw a touchdown pass on football’s biggest stage.
And more importantly, they have been focused on improving their looks of disappointment, dissatisfaction and all out despair so that they can utilize several different versions following each successive Eli interception, fumble or other boneheaded play. “Peyton and I are taking a realistic approach to our preparation,” Manning said, “we know there will be way more chances for us to look disappointed than excited, so that’s primarily where our focus has been. We want to be ready to give America a different reaction each time Eli screws up.”

TSC made several attempts to reach Peyton Manning for comment, but we were repeatedly informed that he was too busy filming his Super Bowl commercials to offer any response.

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It's a classic story for the Manning brothers. One of them is dating the hottest girl in the NFL, the Super Bowl, and then the little brother comes along and steals her away. Peyton came over to the Super Bowl's house late Sunday night with flowers, still licking the wounds from his defeat in the divisional round of the playoffs last week. But when he opened the door he found Eli making out with her on the couch. She was wearing an NFC conference championship hat.

"How could you two do this?!" yelled Peyton. "After all we've been through together. It took me years to work up the nerve to ask you out! We came so close all those times, and then we finally went out last year and it went so well! Now you go and do this, you super ####?!"

"It's not you Peyton, it's me. I just need a winner. Eli just beat the Packers in Green Bay. That is really hot. I told him to come over and talk about the win, and then one thing led to another," said the Super Bowl.

"Bro, look, I've liked the Super Bowl for a long time," said Eli. "Ever since you brought her home to meet mom and dad last year, I've wanted to ask her out. She's just so perfect and so fun. Even her commercials aren't boring, she's like the perfect girl."

"You broke my heart Super Bowl, but I'll win you back!" yelled Peyton as he ran out of the house.

Peyton has been seen since trying various tactics to win the Super Bowl back from Eli. He's gone out with the Orange Bowl to make her jealous, in which he paid 100 million to have the stadium picked up via crane and moved to the movie theater for a date. He's hired a plane to fly a "I Love You Super Bowl" banner above her home in Arizona for the past 24 hours. Today was the most daring act, as he stood outside the University Of Phoenix Stadium in the rain holding a boombox over his head playing the radio broadcast of last season's Super Bowl. "Remember the good times baby! They can be ours again!" he was heard screaming.

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With yet another early playoff exit after finally breaking through for a Super Bowl last year, Tony Dungy is reportedly mulling retirement. Having won the big game, and going to the playoffs countless times, there is little left for him to prove in the NFL. But the announcement that he may be coming out early has sent the heads of sports pre-game shows scrambling, and could shake up the draft order for next year.

Before every season, despite having the entire pool of retired talent to pull from, the multiple NFL pre-game shows hold a draft for players and coaches who have just come out of the game. Bill Cowher was the number one pick last year by CBS, and has played very well this season for their team. His ability to laugh incessantly at the other former players non-jokes is right on par with some of the best in the business. His predictions on the outcomes of games have been just as random and inaccurate as the other talking heads on TV.

It's unknown where Dungy will fall in this year's draft. He does have a lot going for him in that he's been a great coach, won a super bowl, and is very well-known in front of the camera. But, he's also a quite man with an odd speaking voice, it's unknown if his personality is douchy enough to jive with the atmosphere of a pre-game show. If you don't think Frank Caliendo's Terry Bradshaw and John Madden impersonations are funny the 500th time, you are usually benched by FOX. But one thing Dungy has going for him is the fact that he's African-American, but yet unimposing and not very big. That hits several key demos that networks are looking for.

The first pick in this year's draft will of course go to ESPN's NFL Match-Up which features Merril Hoge and Ron Jaworski breaking down game film more in-depth than any casual fan wants to do. It's like going to school, and they are the lowest rated and number one pick yet again because of it. However, they typically trade their number one pick away for bizarre items Hoge demands when high from sniffing those dry-erase markers he uses to circle plays. Last year they traded their pick to CBS for 200 pounds of candy corn, before that it was a trade for a Heisman trophy replica statue made entirely of butter.

If they pass on Dungy again this year in favor of some odd food item, he could go anywhere. FOX is really in search of a black man to bolster their current roster. If Curt Menefee goes down with an injury, they currently have no backup. CBS and ESPN meanwhile have a more balanced attack, and therefore may not need him. The real key could be how he performs in those asinine segments where the host act out plays on a small field. No one can understand what the hell is going on because they are so unorganized and slow, but every show seems to love them. Dungy better start practicing.

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For one Sunday, Ryan Leaf was better than Peyton Manning. On the day Manning's Colts went down in the divisional playoff round to Leaf's old Chargers, Ryan was awarded his second Employee Of The Month award at a Texas Arby's. The award was given to him in a lavish ceremony in the Arby's break area, shortly after he was finished scrubbing the bathrooms. He and his fellow employees celebrated by feasting on free apple turnovers and orange soda.

"I just want to thank God, for helping me to finally overcome Peyton Manning," said Leaf in a speech after accepting his certificate. "He couldn't win his second Super Bowl, but I've won this award two months in a row! Suck it Peyton! Suck it!" His ending to the speech was made more awkward by the fact the presentation was not being televised, and there was a 15-year-old male fry cook named Peyton in attendance.

Leaf's performance on Sunday was very impressive going 33 of 44 in combo supersize upgrades for 233 orders, but he did have 2 interceptions, something he can't avoid even in the fast food business. While being a total bust in the NFL, Leaf has been an outstanding microwave chef and assistant manager at the West Texas Arby's, where he's worked since his retirement at the age of 26. He has set records for fastest Big Beef N Cheddar prep, most diet sodas drunk without a bathroom break, and holds the career Arby's mark for sleeping with barely of age female employees who don't know any better.

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It would not be argued that any quarterback is better than Tom Brady at this point in time. But, if there is one QB people think has a shot at outgunning Brady in the Super Bowl, it is none other than Brett Favre. Not due to his superior athleticism or skills at this point in his career, but because of his intangibles. But it's these same intangibles that landed Brett in county jail last night, as he flashed them to party goers last night at a cocktail event at a downtown club.

The event left several at the party shocked, and a little scared of what they had just witnessed. "I always heard about Brett's intangibles before, but I never thought they would be quite that big!" said attendee Emily Masterson. "He just pulled them out right there on the dance floor, as if they were nothing. My husband's aren't that big, that's for sure. I didn't know that was possible. How do those intangibles even fit?"

It's unknown how exactly the flashing happened, but it's believed someone shouted to Favre that Peyton Manning was going to break all his records in a few years. Favre responded by saying that "he may have the numbers, but he'll never have intangibles the size of grapefruits."

Favre intangibles have single-handedly won games for the Green Bay Packers over the years. Fans may vividly recall a game a few years back where the Packers were down 10 to the Bears with less than two minutes remaining when Favre's intangibles took over. The Bears had no answer for Favre's special parts that defy description.

Favre was released from the county lockup this morning on Brett Favre bail. Which is a special kind of bail in Wisconsin wherein you can post your bail, or just be Brett Favre. This is the first time it is known to have been used.

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