There is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into custody anyway.

Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"

The Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo. Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us fall down the stairs."

TSC stood by as they scratched off one of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in this great win for the franchise."

It was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o####reat coach is more than we've ever had here before. Apparently he will rotate which games and practices he goes to every day. The rest of the time the players will just be able to hang out, and even call whatever plays they want in the games. It's going to be different, but I think they're going to really like the freedom they have out there."

The Miami Heat's Pat Riley was not as upbeat about the announcement. "When we first entered into negotiations for Brown we were not aware of this time-sharing thing. As I understood it, we would get actually 1/4 of his body. I was hoping to be able to get his head and maybe his right arm. That was he can still think, talk, and maybe point at the ref and yell occasionally. That's all you really need, and I thought the rest of us had worked over the Bobcats pretty good and just stuck them with Larry Brown's feet. This sucks, that's all I can really say."

Brown had a much more ominous message during his press conference, in which he came out dressed in a black cloak. He stepped up to the podium where he pulled back his hood and lifted a red goblet from it. "12 teams down, 18 to go," muttered Brown. "Then, I win the game. Then, I rule the nether-verse. You foolish mortals are falling into my trap perfectly." He then took a sip from the glass and walked away without answering a single question. Larry Brown, always the showman.

Pat Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."

"Maybe trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."

"That is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."

A day after setting the record for fewest field goals in a game, the Miami Heat have hired a private investigator to check on where exactly their shots are going instead of through the net. "I have a su####ion our field goals are sneaking around on us when they are supposed to be going in the hoop," said head coach Pat Riley. "There is no way we could make so few in a game. We want to find out exactly what those shots are up to. I didn't want to say anything publicly, but we've been making a lot less field goals at home during practice. Every time I try to get them to go, the shots say they have a headache and are too tired to go in the basket. When we first met, it was every day, nonstop scores. But now, it's getting tough to even get it in there."

The investigator, Nick Everett, was outside the arena during the 3rd quarter when a 17-foot jumper that Ricky Davis launched left the venue. "The shot told Ricky it was going into the basket when it left his fingers," said Everett. But sure enough it didn't go in, but it did jump into it's car and head to a strip club downtown. I followed the shot as it went in to the establishment and got several very private lap dances. I had to blend in, so I was forced to get a few myself on the Heat's tab. It was horrible. After going in the VIP room for a little bit the shot emerged and headed for the parking lot with one of the girls. I confronted it and the woman there. Apparently the shot claimed it was heading back to the basket now so it could go in, but the woman lived close to the basket and wanted a ride. I followed them discreetly for some time and they never made it back to the arena, instead stopping off in a park. I must also say I've never seen a woman lick a basketball so much, or get it to fit in some very strange places. It was grotesque, but also amazing."

A teary-eyed Pat Riley had a quick talk with the press after hearing the news. "I knew it! I'm here trying to coach a basketball game, raise these kids into real players, and our shots are out shmoozing with other women! I'm disgusted, and I vow we won't take another shot all season. Then we'll see who really needs who. Hopefully we can start winning some games now that we're taking out our biggest problem, the shot itself."

The Miami Heat are in one of the worst losing streaks their franchise, and indeed all of basketball has ever seen. They have lost 13 in a row, Shaq looks like a man from a retirement home, and Pat Riley has one foot already out the door. It doesn't seem like it could get any worse for the team that is only 2 years removed from a championship. But one Miami resident claims this is only the beginning of a long 1,000 game losing streak that will last until the year 2044. The prognosticator is homeless Miamian Mark Hathoway, long known among the homeless community for claiming he was from the future, and the only reason he can't find a job in our time is because he possesses "future diseases".

He agreed to be interviewed by The Sports Comedian if we took him out for lunch. Despite smelling like cat urine and Jack Daniels, we agreed to take him to McDonalds. As he feasted on a McRib, he laid out how the future will unravel for the Miami Heat. It will be 37 years until they get their next victory over the Antarctica Hyper-Generals, a 206-201 win. They will still have Shaq on the team, as he refuses to retire despite doing everything one can do in a career and having increasingly bad numbers every season. At this time he will be averaging -2.3 points per game, 1.2 blocks per game on his own team. His alzheimer's makes it very hard to know which basket he is defending or shooting on. The team also still be coached by the skeleton of Pat Riley, which actually looks healthier than the current Pat Riley.

Hathoway then asked us to see if we could loan him any money for alcohol. We asked why he needed that, and he said time machines were built solely out of alcohol. We declined that offer.