In an effort to increase the cool factor of college football to the young audience, ESPN has announced it will give all college football players fake first names like that of Ohio State star runningback Beanie Wells. "We could have told Chris Wells no," said ESPN head Bud McBride. "We could have told him, we don't care what you call yourself. We're a news organization with journalistic standards ,and we're going to use your legal name. But I had my assistant look into it, and we actually have no journalistic standards. So, instead we have chosen to pander to these student athletes and let them choose their own first names from now on. If they don't choose one themselves, we will get Chris Berman really drunk on gin, and then poke him in the gut like the Pillsbury Doughboy until he starts saying random words. Students without chosen names will be assigned one of these Berman words as a first name. This should make for much more colorful commentary and fun player introductions."

Beanie Wells was said to be very happy with the decision by the network, as was Pacman Jones, one of the earliest beneficiaries of their low journalistic standards. Some other players who got Berman names were not so enthusiastic about the change. Syphilis McDougle and Leather Smith were especially vocal about the move, calling it "One of the worst decisions in the history of broadcasting" with McDougle adding "Yes, I have a disease, but how in the hell did Chris Berman even find out about it?"

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Don Imus is surprisingly still alive and talking on the radio. After being fired last year for calling the Rutgers womens basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hoes", Imus found his way back on the air at a different station. Yesterday controversy surrounded him again over comments he made over Pacman Jones, now of the Dallas Cowboys. Imus, being a 90-year-old who spends most of his time sleeping in a sarcophagus, was unsure who Pacman was. He asked his staff "What color is this guy?" and followed it up with "Isn't he that squinty-eyed yellow guy with the big head who was popular in the 80's for popping pills all the time?" His sidekick chimed in noting that Pacman helped to lay the railroad tracks for modern day videogames.

The comments have angered Asians, who feel the sentiments were highly racist. "We are very unhappy with Mr. Imus using such horrible stereotypes," said Takagi Nguyen of the Asian Defamation League. "To confuse us with someone who was obviously a drug addict who saw crazy things such as ghosts chasing him is very insulting. Also to bring up our railroad building past is just deplorable. Mister Pacman's race is unknown, and the developers say he may just be a floating disembodied head."

Imus has gotten into a controversy before involving Donkey Kong, who he called a "Dark-skinned #### who works in a shipping factory, likes to get drunk, abduct white women, and then throw thousands of dollars worth of merchandise down ramps." He was also critical of the head chef from 80's restaurant Burger Time who Imus claimed had horrible cleanliness standards, including serving burgers off of a complicated system of ladders.

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The Sports Comedian landed an exclusive interview with Pacman Jones, the troubled cornerback from the Tennessee Titans. The interview was made even more exciting when, the day of, he was charged with punching a woman in a strip club. We had to get answers, so we started by heading over to Pacman's house.

His house is modeled after the first strip club he went to, called XXX Nudism Sirens II, when he was 7 years old. It is a perfect replica, down to the neon side outside. We got to the door to find a bouncer who made us pay a 10 dollar cover to enter. We entered the establishment to find it a strange setting. There was no furniture, only scantily-clad women in positions that resembled furniture. We declined a seat on the couch, which was actually two strippers on all-fours kissing, and found Pacman in the kitchen.

"Hey guys, come on in. You're from that awesome website right?" We confirmed that we were. "Do you guys want a drink or something while I'm in here?" We declined the drink. "Well, there's actually a 2-drink minimum for this interview. Ice Squared told you that at the door, didn't he?" He had not told us anything. "I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to ask you to buy a couple 9 dollar beers or mixers, or this interview is over." We ordered an appletini, hoping he wouldn't have the ingredients to make one. But, he did. Although he next informed us that he didn't have an actual blender, so he called over one of his women and had her do a handstand. What happened next was truly shocking, as he proceeded to add the ingredients into a special place on her and then collected the mixture. Needless to say, we paid for but did not drink the beverages.

We next tried to ask Pacman about the accusations that he hit a woman in a strip club the night before, after being arrested twice for fights and one murder in strip clubs in the past. But he proved uncooperative and told us we needed to get some food. We hopped in the back of his Lincoln SUV and headed out to a restaurant. We were going to ask again about the incident, but he turned on his TV screens in the back seat for us with the movie Showgirls.

We arrived at our destination, a strip club called Rebecca's, and tried to go inside but Pacman was informed their buffet was not being served at this time. He proceeded to yell, call the bouncer a bunch of names, and then punch him in the face. We all ran back to his car, as the bouncer radioed for more help, and we drove away. We had to settle for a drive through strip club called Foxy Valerie's. We pulled up and he order two #### flashes and a through the window lap dance. We ordered a chicken sandwich. As he was getting his through the window lap dance we realized the interview was probably never going to actually happen, so we snuck out the back of the car and walked home.

It's unknown if the accusations about Pacman are true, but I wouldn't put it past him.

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NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told Titans cornerback Pacman Jones in April to sit out the 2007 season. On Tuesday, the commissioner informed Jones he still hasn't changed his mind.

Jones had met with the commissioner last week in New York, pleading for some leniency and an early return. But the cornerback whose biggest community service was buying wrestling tickets for Atlanta students to watch him at a pay-per-view event last month didn't convince Goodell. The commissioner told Jones his suspension will last through this season, which would include the playoffs if the Titans (6-2) qualify.

In related news, the other infamous Pac-Man is still in federal prison, serving out the remainder of his life sentence received from the 1980 cannibalistic massacre where he ingested a giant pill and proceeded to eat 4 people he believed to be "ghosts". It is a crime that baffles police even to this day. "They were chasing me nonstop! It's like there was no end! When I took those big drugs, I just felt like I could do anything, including eating people alive. But those damn ghosts deserved it, especially Clyde," said an unapologetic Pac-Man in a recent 2004 interview. He was arrested shortly after the incident when police stormed his home and found drugs lining the floor, laid out in lines all around his house.

His ex-wife Mrs. Pac-Man, now married to a Don K. Kong, a barrel dealer from Minnesota, says she remembers the crazy lifestyle of her former husband. "It was a crazy time. We would just eat everything in sight. We were always running, always trying to stay ahead of the police and these supposed ghosts that he was seeing. We did always eat a lot of fruit though, Pac-Man loved his cherries."

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