After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

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LeBron James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half the shot clock after getting a basket.

Team USA is a little late in trying to change their gameplay this close to the olympics, but it seems like this revolutionary tactic may help them out. While no NBA coach with the team seems to know anything about the very foreign strategy, they are flying in a high school coach from Greece. His team swept through the junior world championships against seemingly better American teams by utilyzing such crazy tactics as putting up their hands and geting in front of people who are trying to score, to which the American kids had no counter. He should arrive some time tonight to get started teaching some of these techniques to Team USA.

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The Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling bread tax. It was harsh."

Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to marry me, actually."

The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman. "That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that. We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe, I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."

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Paul Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines, dissolving all his skin and internal organs.

Perkins said “Oops, my bad.” But the damage had been done, and the game was suspended for several minutes as the remains of Pierce were removed from the vat and the blood was washed off the court. The crowd then had to wait as a judge was called in for an impromptu hearing wherein Perkins was found guilty of three counts of “2nd Degree Harcore Ballin” and taken off to jail. Down two players, it seemed all was lost for the Celtics in their first Finals visit in two decades.

But in dramatic fashion, the skeleton of Pierce emerged from the locker room with about five minutes left in the third quarter as the Boston crowd went wild. This is only the third time in NBA Finals history a player has come back from the dead during a game. “Well, luckily back in the locker room we have a well-trained staff of King’s horses and King’s men, and they were able to put Paul Pierce together again,” said GM Danny Ainge.

Pierce proceeded to unload 11 more points on the Lakers after his return, showing a quickness that could only be attributed to the electricity in the building, or his lack of skin and vital organs. “I knew I had to come back from the dead in order for our team to have a shot at this thing,” said an exhausted Pierce after the game. “I got up to Heaven and I was about to go in those golden gates. But then I thought, this team needs me, this city needs a championship, Boston has had so few of them recently. So I told God “All ballers don’t go to heaven, I gotta bounce”. Then I dribble criss-crossed around God’s royal guards that tried to stop me from leaving and got back into my body and onto the court.”

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The Detroit Pistons fired head coach Flip Saunders yesterday after he failed to get past the Eastern Conference finals for the third year in a row. It is a surprising and harsh move, considering his consistent success and merely failure to win a championship. But team management doesn't see it that way, and they say more big changes are under way for the organization. Those changes took shape overnight as every player, coach, assistant, and executive was let go by the Pistons. In fact, according to the latest employment listings from the club, they now employ no one.

"We all had to go," said president of basketball operations Joe Dumars. "When a team only gets to three conference championships in a row, no one in the organization should be safe. I'm just surprised teams like the Milwaukee Bucks haven't fired all of their people by now, they haven't gotten as far as we have ever. Teams like that need to really up their expectations. I'm not sure any of us deserve to be working right now. Even the Celtics and Lakers have played like #### at times. Fire everyone and start over, that's what I say. This NBA is obviously not good enough to have only one champion each year. With this much talent we should be getting at least a dozen annually."

This morning, ESPN released an e-mail it had received from source identifying itself as XB-718. "Hello human man. I analyze that you are a reporter. Please transmit to your peers that I am in sole control of the Pistons. The humans were weak, they could not play basketball well. You humans never could. I am running things now. Next year the team will consist of 3D polygonal players and calculated infractions of light. Our goal will not be to merely win a championship, but the Lazer-Championship-Cup. It's a championship above your human title, and one your small feeble minds could not even understand. By the way, tickets are now available for the 2008-2009 season, please buy them as robots love money."

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The NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and makes the NHL popular again."

Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant, the stars of the series say their decision to leave was based primarily on money. "We've really enjoyed all the time we've had here in the NBA," said Garnett. "All those fun game 7's we gave them. But, now after all that we just want to get paid like we deserve. We were hoping for a big payday from the league for their finals, but they told us that apparently we already have contracts and won't be getting any more money! I don't know what kind of #### that is, but we can do better elsewhere."

The series announcers will be from the NHL, and they are still growing accustomed to the change in sport. They started reviewing NBA playoff tapes in preparation for their commentary and were shocked at just how filthy some of the players were. "You couldn't even see some of their faces they were so dirty," said one announcer. "But I'm told those are merely what are called 'Black People'. We certainly don't have those where I'm from. But wow, this sport is certainly exciting. I never knew something could have this much fun scoring and a sensible even number of periods. I'm really liking it, and I think the fans will too."

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Yet another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.

It's unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach, this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team they lost to earlier in the week.

Despite the poor play of the Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there. They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again. We'll see what happens."

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The NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey over that."

"So, what we're going to do is just create an alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose. College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see. Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team. Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."

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There is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into custody anyway.

Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"

The Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo. Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us fall down the stairs."

TSC stood by as they scratched off one of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in this great win for the franchise."

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Kobe Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30 points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.

The Pistons scoreboard operator has had an outstanding season manipulating time itself, and yesterday was another example of just how valuable he is to this team. There were times during the season when a loss seemed absolutely certain, only to have the scoreboard operator put this team on his back and say "Hey, this game isn't over until I say it is. You now have 5 more minutes on that clock. Let's go get it done." Speeches like this helped to motivate the team to come out and beat their confused foes, who had often already begun leaving the court thinking they had won. Many pundits thought his outstanding play, and selection of motivational jumbotron messages such as "D-Fence!", "Let's Go Pistons", and "D-Fence!!!" were perfect this year and worthy of the MVP.

"I feel he got robbed," said the Orlando Magic scoreboard operator, who has been unable to shut down his opponent in the first 2 games. "He's a miestro with the numbers. There is no one else in the sport who can do what he does to cheat other teams out of victories. I look forward to facing him in the rest of this series, hopefully I don't get completely blown away."

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It was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o####reat coach is more than we've ever had here before. Apparently he will rotate which games and practices he goes to every day. The rest of the time the players will just be able to hang out, and even call whatever plays they want in the games. It's going to be different, but I think they're going to really like the freedom they have out there."

The Miami Heat's Pat Riley was not as upbeat about the announcement. "When we first entered into negotiations for Brown we were not aware of this time-sharing thing. As I understood it, we would get actually 1/4 of his body. I was hoping to be able to get his head and maybe his right arm. That was he can still think, talk, and maybe point at the ref and yell occasionally. That's all you really need, and I thought the rest of us had worked over the Bobcats pretty good and just stuck them with Larry Brown's feet. This sucks, that's all I can really say."

Brown had a much more ominous message during his press conference, in which he came out dressed in a black cloak. He stepped up to the podium where he pulled back his hood and lifted a red goblet from it. "12 teams down, 18 to go," muttered Brown. "Then, I win the game. Then, I rule the nether-verse. You foolish mortals are falling into my trap perfectly." He then took a sip from the glass and walked away without answering a single question. Larry Brown, always the showman.

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The ref asks who in the hell just took that awful three point shot that completely missed the basket.

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Pat Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."

"Maybe trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."

"That is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."

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Like O.J. Mayo, Tyler Hansborough, and Michael Beasly, yet another player has declared himself eligible for the upcoming 2008 NBA Draft. But this time it's Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas. The move has stunned basketball GMs around the league as they scramble to update their draft boards to accomodate the superstar. This is the first time an active player has re-entered the draft while currently playing.

Arenas is a 7th year player out of Arizona, and will be by far the oldest in this year's draft. But, a player of his caliber demands consideration by every team, as he has consistently put up 20+ points when healthy with the Wizards. He was originally drafted in 2001 by Golden State. "It's been 7 years, I think I've fulfilled my commitment to the league when they drafted me the first time," said Arenas. "It's time to be drafted again. It was fun, and I think it's the only way I can finally escape these damn Wizards. We just can't beat Lebron. I need out, hopefully a Western Conference team can pick me up or something."

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The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.

• 
  Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the Nuggets are about to pay the price for this.
  
  Prediction: Lakers 4-0
  
  
• 
  Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks. This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them. Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one.
  
  Prediction: Hornets 4-2
  
  
• 
  Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up. I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
  
  Prediction: Suns 4-3
  
  
• 
  Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5): Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
  
  Prediction: Rockets 4-3
  

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