As the wonderful 2008 Summer Olympic Games drew to a close on Sunday, people around the world were celebrating China's emergence on the international stage, two weeks of intense competition, and some of the most beautifully staged events ever seen. But, a report came out around 2:00 am from a British news service, claiming that the entire wonderful Olympics were actually all the work of Chinese CGI artists. Confirmations and facts began rolling in, that the entire Olympics shown to the world were actually created by a computer, and the actual Olympics were not nearly as dramatic or visually stunning.

Apparently, Chinese animators had been working on a brilliant vision of these Olympic games for several months, animating every contest to make it more engrossing than the actual event. Triumphant American hero Michael Phelps won a record 8 gold medals, winning by the smallest of hairs and the biggest of margins. His every move and even his background was enthralling television. But in the real Olympic games that took place, Michael Phelps is an overweight man in his mid-thirties from New Jersey, who won the "Go Swim Somewhere" contest from Aquafina. He did not receive any gold medals in the actual olympics, instead getting tired about halfway through the first freestyle race, and telling judges he needed a beer immediately. He showed up for only 2 more events, often sleeping through them.

But the Chinese animated a smiling young 20 something as Phelps for the broadcasted version, and made him win a record number of events to both increase favor with the Americans, and set up a good villian for the Chinese people in the 2012 sequel to these Olympics. The Water Cube also didn't actually exist either, with competitors swimming in an old high school gym that had been condemned since the 1980's.

The Americans did however win the women's team gymnastics event, something that wasn't shown on actual TV. Instead, the Chinese animators made their own team narrowly overcome the Americans for the gold. Many questioned the age of the Chinese girls in the event, and they did look under the required age of 16. But, that was only because the CGI artists used characters from the popular Anime show "Funtime Happy School 5", about a group of five preteen friends who fight robot monsters with the power of their magic leotards. They also have sex with tentacles, which was originally included as a celebration for their gymnastics victory, but deleted at the last minute by the director. It may be included as a deleted scene on the Olympics DVD release.

Many of the other events were spruced up for television as well, with grand stadium competitions actually taking place in dark and musty opium dens. It is also believed that the entire country of Luxembourg may have been created solely by CGI for these Olympics. It is unknown how much more of the events were created digitally, but more details continue to leak out as this story continues to break.

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The 2008 Summer Olympics kick off in Beijing a little too enthusiastically as the Chinese blow up their stadium in excitement.

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Michelle Wie called a press conference Monday afternoon to address the media. She was visibly upset and told the crowd that although she was wearing a yellow layered tank top, she really wanted to hold the press conference in her favorite red blouse. She was fighting back tears as she told the story of how she forgot to sign her work order at the dry cleaners, and when she went back to pick up her clothes they were still unclean.

"I don't know how I could have forgotten to do something like this," she sobbed into the microphone. "I wanted you all to see me in that red top, because it makes me look all hot and stuff. My friend Tabitha says it totally makes me look like Lucy Liu. But now because of some archaic technicality there will be no top!" She spent the next 30 minutes talking about the red blouse, and how it had a perfect fit. When asked by a reporter what she called the press conference to tell them before realizing she couldn't wear the shirt, she said she did not remember.

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Just days after his heroic triumph at the U.S. Open, overcoming the pain of a brutal knee injury to win in 91 holes of golf, Tiger Woods was again battling for another victory. This win came at a Santa Monica area Starbucks where Woods showed up early in the morning following his announcement that he would need season-ending knee surgery, where Tiger was after a frappucino. When he came in, the capacity crowd of 23 all were wondering whether Tiger possessed the mettle necessary to overcome the knee and make a successful drink order. His dedication to getting the frozen coffee beverage was put to the test early on, as he stood behind a line of 5 other patrons, including one who had a complicated order for the whole office that took about 15 minutes to fill. We've all seen lesser men simply walk out when faced with such a daunting line, and those are men without horrific injuries.

But Tiger kept it together, vowing to himself that nothing would stand in his way of getting a caramel mocha frappucino. When he got to the counter, it was obvious that he was in some pain as he limped up to talk to the barista. The crowd erupted when not only did he order a frappucino, but a venti frappucino, which is the largest size in the crazy made-up Starbuckian language. A lesser golfer would have been content there, but Woods even added whipped cream to the top of his beverage, adding a brutal .12 ouncesof extra weight. When you are battling a knee problem, every little bit just adds on to the pain.

After receiving his drink the real test of his resolve was on, as he made his way to the condiment counter where he twisted and contorted his body to grab sugar and sweetner. His face grimaced as he bent for some half and half, and everyone could see the torque being put on the knee. But in the end he was able to walk out of that Starbucks with the beverage of his choice, a true testament toall athletes who rise above their own pain to perform for the fans. It may just be the greatest drink order of hil illustrious career.

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After near riotous protests of the Chinese Olympic games earlier this year as the torch makes its way to Beijing, the world thought they had seen the worst of it already as the torch headed into actual China. But they forgot the most important person of all had yet to make his opinion known, that person was God. Apparently he is not a big fan of China's human rights record as he unleashed a massive earthquake on them in protest, killing thousands and disrupting the path where the torch was supposed to pass through. Police tried to subdue the protesting god by firing tear gas up into the sky, but the plan backfired when God's always tricky gravity send the gas cannisters back into the riot cops.

God has long been known as a #### to much of the world for unleashing tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, and other disasters on people. "He's a very tough customer," said Religidouchologist Todd McFarlane. "He's full of double standards and trickery. Obviously he's mad about China's human rights, but then he made the Chinese in the first place. He says everyone has to die eventually, but Britney Spears gets to keep on living despite all the evidence that she shouldn't. It all makes no sense. But one thing is for certain, and that's that he will make his opinion known. We all remember when Rob Schneider said it didn't matter what the critics said about Deuce Bigalow 2: European Gigolo, the only review he wanted to know was that of God. Since then we're suffering from global warming and may all be dead within a century. I think he gave Rob his review, and deemed that no species that creates a movie such as that deserves to live."

Bill Blass, who has waged a personal war against god for the past 10 years shares a similar sentiment. "I have been at war with god for about 11 year now. He just used to do all kinds of stuff to me. Make me not get laid until I was 32, force me to eat Cool Ranch Doritos until I weighed 400 pounds, have me get fired from every job I've ever had for ridiculous stuff like "not showing up for a week" or "setting 3 different Office Max stores on fire". I just can't catch a break, so I blame him. I've spend every moment of every day trying to get back at him by destroying this world he built. Sometimes I throw trash on the ground, I just leave my car running all the time to create as much greenhouse gas as possible, and sometimes I just dig a hole in his earth and then don't fill it in. Crazy stuff, it's costing a lot of gas money. But I think I'm starting to win."

China says the games will carry on as planned, despite the tragic protest inside their own borders. It's unknown what more awaits what is turning out to be an epic torch carrying for this Summer's games.

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It was a grim scene Saturday at the Kentucky Derby as runner-up Eight Belles finished second, but broke both her front ankles in the process. This led to a shocking scene as she had to be euthanized on the track immediately following the race. Many believed it was due to the injury she suffered, but it may have been due to the incredibly high standards set by his jockey, known in horse racing as Gabriel "1st Place" Saez. Animal groups such as PETA want the jockey held accountable for his actions, but he hasn't been seen since ordering the horse to be put down following the finish of the derby.

Saez has a long history of questionable behavior. He was treated in 1994 for severe internal bleeding after performing a home surgery on himself to remove his left kidney, which he considered to be the 2nd place finisher to his right. "It just wasn't filtering my urine as well as the other one," said a dazed Saez in the hospital. "There is only room in my body for winners." He also came in second in a photo finish back at Pembrook Downs in 2003. Later that week the CEO of Polaroid was found dead in his home along with a note that said "Get Your Cameras Fixed". The crime was never connected officially to Saez.

Even the trainer of the horse Eight Belles has gone into protective custody until Saez can be found. "He doesn't accept second place," said a scared J. Larry Jones. "He will get me for not training her to have stronger ankles. I'm just hoping they find him before it's too late."

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Uno, the first beagle to ever win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, was found murdered today in his posh Manhattan apartment. The young dog wowed the judges over the weekend and on Monday to claim the Best In Show award. But his life outside of dog shows was known to many as spiraling out of control. Longtime friend Mr. Pickles, a pug elaborated, "Bark bark, bark, barkitty bark woof."

Uno was often seen out at New York clubs with his posse, drinking expensive champagne from a golden bowl in the VIP area where dancers pleasured him. It was an extravagant life that many warned him could lead to an early death. "I tried to tell Uno that he had to tone down the partying," said owner Rob Thomas. "He was making a lot of enemies around town. He was gambling a lot and owed money to a lot of dogs, who would come to my home looking to collect. But Uno was often drunk between shows and would smack me around for telling him not to go out. He'd then lock me in my room and not walk me for a couple days."

The biggest debt owed by Uno was to famous cartoon dog Snoopy, who has spent his time since the demise of the Peanuts cartoon strip as a bookie in New York. Now grizzled and old, with a long beard, Snoopy runs the bets for dogs on the streets of the Big Apple. It's unknown exactly how much was owed by Uno, but estimates put the number at around $100,000. A portion of the Westminster winning money likely went to pay off this debt, but word is Uno spent a great deal of it on an expensive Porsche instead.

t's unknown who committed the murder that ultimately ended in Uno dead. The killer snuck in through an unlocked doggy door and shot the dog while he slept. Su####ion naturally shifted to Snoopy himself, but Snoopy denied any involvement, "Where your proof is cops?" said the intoxicated cartoon dog. "You see any ink around the crime scene? My hands are clean on this one ####es. This looks like a professional dog hit, I'd check with one of Michael Vick's boys or something."

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