Al
Davis finally fired Lane Kiffin this morning, after weeks of
speculation by the press that the move was forthcoming. He held a press
conference to address the issue, as it had spun a bit out of control in
the media in recent weeks. Davis drove his Rascal personal old person
scooter up to the podium, saying he had just gotten back from a trip to
the grand canyon. He came in wearing a giant Raiders jacket, because
they always make it so cold in here. During the trip, he said he had a
lot of time to think about the team's situation, and decided it best to
let Lane go now, so that he would still have the opportunity to fire a
couple more head coaches before the season ends.
Davis then
pulled out a stack of mail, which apparently included a letter he sent
to Lane Kiffin telling him about his decision, but it had been
misplaced. Davis proceeded to begin reading each piece of mail in order
to find it. After a couple hours of listening to him read bills, hate
mail from Oakland fans, and special offers from Life Alert, he finally
found the letter. After all that reading he was quite parched, so he
called over his personal waitress that follows him around everywhere
and serves him drinks like in a 60's jazz club. He got a mix of Ensure,
vodka, and gin, a drink he called a "Salty Reagan".
He read the
letter aloud, talking about his dislike for the loud music Lane Kiffin
would play from his headphones. "An iPod volume setting over 25 will
not be tolerated here," he said in stern words. "I can almost hear the
music myself, and I don't share his tastes for hippy rock 'n roll. He
also destroyed my lawn with his game against the Chargers last week! I
spend a lot of time on that lawn, and he goes and tears it up with all
those blacks he is always hanging out with on Sundays. I couldn't
tolerate this behavior any longer, it was time for a change."
Al
Davis then made a strange awkward face, and his personal nurse came
over to see what was the matter. He whispered something into her ear,
and she proceeded to lift him up onto the podium and begin to change
his adult diaper. Most of those in attendance then began to vomit
profusely.
Al
Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders, has entered week 3 of planning the
firing of Lane Kiffin, reported NFL correspondent Chris Mortensen.
Davis has apparently been behind closed doors with some advisors for
the past few weeks to prepare for the most elaborate firing of all
time. It has been reported each week that Kiffin could be fired at any
time, which is again the case today.
A spokesman for Davis had
this to say on the expected firing: "Look, if there is one thing Al
wants to be known for after he is gone, it is his firings. The Raiders
have a storied history of spectacular firings, and he wants to be sure
this one blows them all away. The spectacular way the Dolphins got rid
of Cam Cameron after only one season really raised the bar for firing.
"I
don't want to spoil any surprises for anyone, including Lane himself.
But Mr. Davis is planning a big firing celebration for the Coliseum,
he's going to put his desk right in the middle of it, and call Lane
over to it, where the firing will take place. There will be some
fireworks, the Raiders dancers are going to perform, there will be a
performance of MacBeth, and we are building a life-sized version of the
machine from mouse trap, although we don't want to reveal exactly what
it will be used for yet. Fans can buy tickets to come watch the
exciting firing, and Mr. Davis may even choose one of them randomly
from the audience to be the next Raiders head coach, as a random person
will probably be as effective as his actual selection."
Oakland
Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley
this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating.
But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an
"awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the
station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make
out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus
whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the
nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now
after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow
Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to
wake someone up like that."
Police tried to explain to Walker
they were worried about his safety after discovering him face down with
bruises all over his body. "Look, maybe I got robbed and beaten into
unconsciousness. But it's Vegas baby, they have agiant pyramid right
next to a pirate ship here. Crazy things happen, and they gave me some
soiled pants to use as a pillow. It was actually quite comfortable. The
cops in this city need to learn to mind their own business. Now if you
all will excuse me, I'm going to take a little nap partly because I
want to find the Princess again, and partly because of blood loss.
Goodnight everyone." At this point Walker fell face-first into the
ground and the reporters slowed shuffled out of the room, trying their
hardest not to wake him up.
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
Miami Dolphins: According
to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing
formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or
not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week. F for Fancy
Minnesota Vikings:
They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John
David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls,
having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10
phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad. D for Dum Dums
New England Patriots: They
got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of
their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the
third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at
that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won
3 or 4 Super Bowls by now. W for We All Hate You Patriots
New Orleans Saints: They
drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The
Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just
how it's actually done. H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
New York Giants:
They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third
round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive
powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers.
Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop
him now. Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
New York Jets: Well,
at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can
really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the
word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in
a retarded middle-aged spelling bee. T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
Philadelphia Eagles:
They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row,
but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some
players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's
Big Board. T for Take That You Permed ####
Pittsburgh Steelers: The
Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything
like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make
some awesome chocolate. S for Swedish Chocolate
St. Louis Rams: They
picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it
has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as
fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL
Sunday. They can only hope. R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
San Francisco 49ers:
None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco
49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into
picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as
soon as he realized the ruse. C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years. H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl
MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them
back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were
represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth. P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
Tennessee Titans: Well,
they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback?
Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally
gets open Vince. Good luck. B for Boobs
Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done. M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
The
2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public
hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down
some of the more interesting match-ups:
The Buffalo Bills
will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take
place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL
continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football
to come out and watch this horrid team.
The Miami Dolphins will
take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to
a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
The
Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given
everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads
discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
The
wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host
a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice
turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
The Cleveland
Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye
week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow
them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon.
They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be
great this time?
A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even
received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the
offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really
wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have
a matchup with anybody.
The New England Patriots have the
easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at
home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1
against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure
they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
The
St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a
row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on
local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes
episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their
live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black
curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands
from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.
Brett
Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out
returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be
ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think
it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming
back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired
and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to,
this arm still is ready to throw."
Favre is so eager to help out
should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency
QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special
situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot
it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game,
just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm
and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that #### Maybe you
locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring
old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid
concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."
The
hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland
Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not
working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours
and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I
don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing
the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in
need of one than us."
Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a
talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the
hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has
nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm
going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm
getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone
breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can
not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1.
Thank you."
Inspired
by the new Hulk movie coming out this summer, in which they attempt to
ignore the horrible original and reboot the character with a new
origin, the Oakland Raiders are asking to do the same thing. "If you
can do a remake in movies, you should damn well be able to do them in
football," said Raiders owner Al Davis. "What we want to do here is
replay the 2003 Super Bowl. That game just wasn't well liked by the
fans, especially in Oakland, because it was such a massive blowout. We
propose recasting the teams and shooting the whole thing over again.
We've got a new quarterback in Jamarcus Russell as our star, and I
really think he's going to help us make people forget about the
original."
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers declined comment on the
matter saying only, "We are not going to entertain the possibility of
this game being remade. The original game is beloved by longtime fans
everywhere, we feel that trying to update the game for the current
times would be detrimental to it's message. The game of football was
much simpler back then, trying to add in all the new technology like
lazer targeting, cyber passing, and holographic kickers would only make
it a shadow of what the original was."
Nike
announced today the release of the all-new 2008 Tom Brady cast. It
turns out the boot he was wearing when he went into Gisele's apartment
on Monday was not because of an injury, it was merely a promotional
boot. This marks the first name-brand cast ever released, but many New
England fans are already breaking their own legs and lining up outside
Nike Outlet stores to be the first to try it on.
Nike's slogan
for the boot is "Heal Your Bone Fractures Like A Champion". Basketball
players are usually the only ones to have a yearly shoe released under
their name, but Nike has tried several football releases in the past.
There was the Morten Anderson sandal, the Steve Young Heely, and the
Daunte Culpepper Croc. All utter failures.
Tom Brady's new
commercial in which he states "When I sustain a class 2 stress
fracture, I don't take it to the doctor or the ER. I take it to the
max! With Nike!" Many Nike stores and Foot Lockers are now being
inundated with injured people, as they believe that is where they
should go to receive treatment.
"There isn't much we can do for
them," said a frantic Foot Locker employee. "We usually just measure
their foot with that weird device we have and then give them a few
aspirin that the new guy Wally keeps in his pocket. Right now, I hate
Tom Brady. I haven't even graduated high school, I'm not qualified to
treat wounds."
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
I
picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an
NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
Is
there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a
really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear
Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have
their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience
likes.
I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
That
commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right
about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite
possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
The
trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary,
almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves
losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be
very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
The David Carr era
begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I
think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
If the NFL were a
carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the
Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The
San Diego Chargers.
How many commercials must there be of
enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you
test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a
laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an
entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
Tom
Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with
his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this
year than last.
Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been
able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god
that line is back.
There are a lot of ads for anti-balding
products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does
not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
First
place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at
their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play
in the AFC West.
Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
Maurice
Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10
yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
What was the
first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD
and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately
after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their
desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20
years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history
teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line
is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)
Nebraska
interim athletic director Tom Osborne said Thursday he has not yet made
a final decision on Bill Callahan. He plans to meet with Callahan and
the rest of the coaching staff Nov. 24, the day after Nebraska plays
Colorado.
The former once great program has been turned into a
laughing stock of the Big 12, as they limped to a 5-6 record this year,
with one of the worst defenses in the country. Many thought it was a
forgone conclusion that Callahan would be fired at the end of the
season, but apparently not.
"I'm not a man who likes to make snap
decisions," said Osborne at a weekly press conference. "I'm just not
certain he's doing that bad of a job. Sure we're giving up 40 points
per game, and even 76 one time. But we beat Ball State! That's the
toughest state in the country to beat!"
"I'm going to need some
more evidence in order to say that he is done. The rest of the world
has decided on a lot of things I don't know about yet. Like gravity,
that seems like a load on nonsense to me. Some invisible force pulling
things down? This isn't Star Wars! Also, some student tried to tell me
yesterday that the earth was round! Ha! When I look out all I see is a
flat horizon, so I don't know where they got this idea. You people need
to wait for all the facts before you decide on things. That's what I'm
doing here with Bill.
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Uh oh, the San Diego defense on my fantasy team is going up against that fearsome Colts offense. They never turn the ball over.
Brooks Bollinger will pass for more than 8 yards in the first half against Green Bay.
The key to the New Orleans resurgence has been that defense, they are just good at keeping people out of the endzone.
After
years of seeing Wendy as only an idealized red-headed girl on the
Wendy's logo, the truth has finally been revealed. She is actually a
riot-inciting crossdresser who lives in a dream world where people chop down trees with their feet and jump into holes.
Philadelphia
just always seems to run out of steam in the 4th quarter, look for them
to be burried on Veteran's Day by the team from our nation's capital.
The
thing that impresses me most about the Raiders is that they can plug
any QB into that system and they can succeed. Look for a lot of points
Sunday.
I've seen a person with dreadlocks maybe 2 times in all
my real life. I see at least 5 people with dreadlocks on the football
field at all times. Someone should investigate this.
I just got
my ticket for the Detroit Lions bandwagon! Wahoo! Nothing is gonna slow
this thing down now! Wait a minute, is that a cardinal in the middle of
the road to the Super Bowl? Surely that won't derail this Detroit
Express.
For fans of the greatest comedy show on TV right now,
the 2007 Miami Dolphins, they will not be disappointed and have to
watch an actual close football game.
I think we can all agree
the best thing about NFL broadcasts is the TD-Commercial Break-Kickoff
Return-Immediate Second Commercial Break sequence. Nothing gets you
into the game after a score like a 10 second interlude of football
between commercials.
Some fool in my fantasy league traded me Adrian Peterson for that washed up old Donovan McNabb?! The title is mine!
There is no way the Cowboys can beat the Giants when they are wearing their ridiculous all-red jerseys.
If
there is one thing we can all be thankful for during this WGA writer's
strike, it's that it finally stopped The Big #### Theory, and their
horrible promos from existing. Let's hope this thing goes on for
awhile. I think sacrificing every show and movie forever might be worth
it to stop this horrible sitcom.
I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am
the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some
of them were slightly off:
The high-octane, fast paced,
non-sloppy version of football we play here in America will capture the
attention of Europe after this exhibition game. We don't kick balls
here, we throw them long into the endzone! (Actual Offensive Tally Sunday: 3 FGs, 2 PATs, 1 Passing TD)
The
Patriots finally come up against a good passing defense this week. Look
for trips to the endzone to be scarce for New England.
If you
trust you take financial investing advice from cartoon people, then you
should put your money with Charles Shwab. Apparently they all do.
Once the Jets make the change to Kellen Clemens they will benefit immensely from his accuracy and mistake-free play.
Why is nobody starting Brooks Bollinger? His name is Brooks Bollinger!
After
years of Subway serving subs with so little meat even vegetarians will
eat them, of using veggies that taste like wet pieces of slime, of
serving "fresh-baked" bread that makes you long for Wonder brand.
Subway is now giving soup the same wonderful treatment. Stop in today!
The Bengals don't suck!(My most inaccurate day-too-late prediction of all time)
Now that Trent Edwards is solidified as the Buffalo starter, they can finally get some consistency at the QB position.
The
Dolphins were dumb to trade Daunte Culpepper, he will continue to light
it up for Oakland and put all kinds of points on the board.
The
Geico Gecko's accent keeps getting progressively more British. Pretty
soon their commercials will sound like "When you're done snogging in
your car, be sure to check the bonnet and see if your cherry could use
some more petrol. My! I'm feeling a wee bit knackered, I better hit the
loo before I get all mingered. Oh yes, also save some quid with Geico."
I
finally unloaded Drew Brees on some unsuspecting sap in my fantasy
league! I got Matt Schaub in return! How do you spell Victory?
With
McNabb sucking up the field, it's going to be Brian Westbrook's high
yards per carry that will lead the Eagles to a win this week.
I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am
the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some
of them were slightly off:
The Patriots have looked amazing
so far this season, but they always struggle against Miami. That
defense is just too good at keeping people out of the endzone.
I'm
gonna be glued to my TV for the offensive battle of the week:
Raiders-Chiefs. These offenses are so explosive, the entire bay area
might be blown off the map.
It would be great if Kid Nation
really featured kids trying to make their own society, instead of CBS
telling them what to do. They would kill each other over cookies, the
largest kid would become a quasi-dictator who would give an extreme
wedgie to anyone who challenged him, and the boys and girls would
splinter off and war over a disease ravaging the town, a disease known
as cooties.
Damn it, I need a bye-week kicker for my fantasy
team. Who's available? Rob Bironas? Who the hell is that? I'll take
Olindo Mare instead, that Saints offense is great.
The Byron Leftwich era will last a long long time in Atlanta.
Tampa Bay has won so far because of the mistake-free play of Jeff Garcia. Look for them to take down Detroit in a similar fashion.
In a secret lab owned by Sprint, somewhere deep below the
surface, Peyton Manning is forced to wear a suit and keep his hand over
a yellow egg floating in bioluminescent goo. This has something to do
with football and trivia, but we have yet to find out what.
Rudi Johnson is out for Cincinnati? They are finished.
Tavares Jackson may not be a great quarterback at this time in his career, but at least he's accurate.
Is
there any prison built that can hold in two bald identical-looking male
models? Apparently not, somehow Prison Break has been on for 3 seasons
now.
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Al
Davis finally fired Lane Kiffin this morning, after weeks of
speculation by the press that the move was forthcoming. He held a press
conference to address the issue, as it had spun a bit out of control in
the media in recent weeks. Davis drove his Rascal personal old person
scooter up to the podium, saying he had just gotten back from a trip to
the grand canyon. He came in wearing a giant Raiders jacket, because
they always make it so cold in here. During the trip, he said he had a
lot of time to think about the team's situation, and decided it best to
let Lane go now, so that he would still have the opportunity to fire a
couple more head coaches before the season ends.
Al
Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders, has entered week 3 of planning the
firing of Lane Kiffin, reported NFL correspondent Chris Mortensen.
Davis has apparently been behind closed doors with some advisors for
the past few weeks to prepare for the most elaborate firing of all
time. It has been reported each week that Kiffin could be fired at any
time, which is again the case today.
Oakland
Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley
this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating.
But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an
"awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the
station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make
out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus
whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the
nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now
after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow
Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to
wake someone up like that."
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
The
2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public
hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down
some of the more interesting match-ups:
Brett
Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out
returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be
ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think
it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming
back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired
and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to,
this arm still is ready to throw."
Inspired
by the new Hulk movie coming out this summer, in which they attempt to
ignore the horrible original and reboot the character with a new
origin, the Oakland Raiders are asking to do the same thing. "If you
can do a remake in movies, you should damn well be able to do them in
football," said Raiders owner Al Davis. "What we want to do here is
replay the 2003 Super Bowl. That game just wasn't well liked by the
fans, especially in Oakland, because it was such a massive blowout. We
propose recasting the teams and shooting the whole thing over again.
We've got a new quarterback in Jamarcus Russell as our star, and I
really think he's going to help us make people forget about the
original."
Nike
announced today the release of the all-new 2008 Tom Brady cast. It
turns out the boot he was wearing when he went into Gisele's apartment
on Monday was not because of an injury, it was merely a promotional
boot. This marks the first name-brand cast ever released, but many New
England fans are already breaking their own legs and lining up outside
Nike Outlet stores to be the first to try it on.
Nebraska
interim athletic director Tom Osborne said Thursday he has not yet made
a final decision on Bill Callahan. He plans to meet with Callahan and
the rest of the coaching staff Nov. 24, the day after Nebraska plays
Colorado. 
