Clay
Bennett, owner of the new Oklahoma City Thunder franchise contacted
customer service in Seattle today to find out about the return policy
of the NBA team they bought in the offseason. After hearing about how
fun having a basketball team was from friend and Celtics owner Wyc
Grousbeck, Mr. Bennett purchased one from Seattle. But, after watching
them get blown out by the Indiana Pacers to leave them at 1-6 on the
season, he doesn't understand what fun his friend was talking about.
"Something
is clearly defective with this team," said Bennett in a conference call
Monday. "I have called customer support in Seattle, and they told me to
try unplugging the team for a minute and then plugging it back in. I
attempted that before the game today, but we still lost. They say I am
still under warranty, so I can always mail the team back and they will
send a replacement. The shipping costs on 15 giant black guys is
expensive, but if that is what has to happen. The Lakers seem to be
working great, hopefully I can get one of those models sent to me."
Customer
support was quick to remind Bennett that the period for returns was
running out. The Seattle-based basketball manufacturer has had a
history of faulty products, most notably the Seattle SuperSonics. "We
are a long way from the SuperSonics," said customer support
representative Samir Malatai. "This is a completely different product,
you can tell by the way it says Thunder on the jerseys and everything.
We are confident the kinks in the team will work themselves out in the
coming weeks."
Some
experts are ready to declare the race for the 2008-09 MVP award already
over after the first game of the season. Although usually having to
wait a couple months before even making the first guesses as to who
will take home the illustrious prize, some are already prepared to
anoint Greg Oden. All this after he managed to play only a single
quarter before rolling his ankle and leaving the game.
"Well, I
think you saw one of the most brilliant seasons from a young big man in
a long time," said analyst Steven A. Smith. "Everyone saw the 2 weeks
Andrew Bynum had last year before his injury, and suddenly without
playing again he was the best center in the league. Now you see this
guy come out, who everyone said was injury prone and would never
contribute this year after missing all of last, and he gives you a
whole 13 minutes before being shut down for the season. That's heart,
that's determination, and that's what an MVP is all about. He could
have given up after 1 minute, 2 minutes, but he toughed it out for 13!"
"Sure
he missed all 4 shots he took and looked very awkward at times, but he
did manage to get 5 rebounds in his short time," said Charles Barkeley.
"He is my definite pick for MVP in 7 months, because of what he showed
out there. Look, he was by far the most valuable player to this
organization. He helped make everyone in the Portland area believe that
they would be able to watch the next big superstar when they purchases
Trailblazers season tickets. Sure, he tricked them all. But it was his
work pretending he would be able to play in an entire NBA game that
made those tickets possible. That's a valuable player."
After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
"Well, that's
the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell
Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even
playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all
the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and
Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep
in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like
beach volleyball and basketball."
"We are working on some new
sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against
the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There
are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else.
There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each
other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is
played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event.
There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major
metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more
chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game
ever. We are very excited."
"Sometimes we just need to add
something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we
added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women
play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and
then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But
most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so
it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics.
I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with
a bow..."
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
Team USA is a little late
in trying to change their gameplay this close to the olympics, but it
seems like this revolutionary tactic may help them out. While no NBA
coach with the team seems to know anything about the very foreign
strategy, they are flying in a high school coach from Greece. His team
swept through the junior world championships against seemingly better
American teams by utilyzing such crazy tactics as putting up their
hands and geting in front of people who are trying to score, to which
the American kids had no counter. He should arrive some time tonight to
get started teaching some of these techniques to Team USA.
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Paxson vowed that
having all the lottery winnings will not change who his team is. "We're
still going to be the same old post-Jordan Bulls, I promise you that.
No amount of good players is going to turn us into a championship
contender, that's for sure. We're going to still perenially
underachieve despite being in a weak conference." Old relatives who
haven't talked to the team in years are now coming out of the woodwork
to get reacquainted. Uncle Scottie Pippen gave Paxson a call yesterday
to talk about the good old times, and to tell him about his gambling
and heroin addictions he could use some monetary help with.
The
Chicago players are also ecstatic to get the chance to play with some
of the outstanding college talent. "I hear they have some of the best
players in the world in the college system," said Kirk Hinrich. "It's
going to be an honor to share the floor with some of them. Hopefully
they can show us a thing or two about how this game is played at the
highest levels."
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
It's
unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the
playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team
will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road
in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach,
this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has
been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took
home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact
reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are
saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to
blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely
different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of
talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team
they lost to earlier in the week.
Despite the poor play of the
Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this
time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA
Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there.
They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I
would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again.
We'll see what happens."
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
"So, what we're going to do is just create an
alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose.
College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split
championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going
to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA
scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see.
Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team.
Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can
go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more
than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts
for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered
themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV
yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the
game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."
The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break
down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.
Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The
embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a
force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the
Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither
of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each
other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little
rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being
bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why
rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided
on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the
Nuggets are about to pay the price for this. Prediction: Lakers 4-0
Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The
bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks.
This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented
players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they
still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to
embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them.
Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot
was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back
them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a
baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to
hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one. Prediction: Hornets 4-2
Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those
sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but
multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun
in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and
NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of
Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the
Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up.
I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
Prediction: Suns 4-3
Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5):
Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its
Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch
underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet
Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed
by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz
player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the
face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
Utah
Jazz fans try to trick Tony Parker into making them his new trophy
wife. It's unknown at this time whether or not this plan worked, but
we're going to hope not.
The Heat traded three-time All-Star forward Antoine Walker to the
Minnesota Timberwolves on Wednesday in a five-player deal that came one
day after Miami completed a winless preseason. Walker, backup center
Michael Doleac, oft-injured forward Wayne Simien and a conditional
first-round draft pick were sent to Minnesota for former Miami swingman
Ricky Davis and center Mark Blount.
The deal gives Minnesota
added depth and gives Miami a third scoring option it wanted in Davis.
The Heat will try to fit him in alongside Shaquille O'Neal and Dwyane
Wade -- the 2006 Finals MVP who'll miss a few more weeks while
recovering from knee and shoulder surgeries. Walker helped the Heat win
the 2006 NBA title but hasn't always had the easiest time dealing with
Heat coach Pat Riley's strict conditioning standards.
Translation: You can not stop Antoine Walker from being fat. It is impossible.
This
trade may or may not help the Heat, as Davis will be their third
option. The major question will be whether or not Wade and Shaq can
ever get, and stay, healthy at the same time. The last time that
happened was in the jurassic period.
The Minnesota Timberwolves lost yesterday to the Memphis Grizzlies in a preseason contest 101-93, dropping them to 0-2 so far in the exhibition season. Speaking of wolves, everyone must check out the music video for Werewolf Barmitzvah from last week's 30 Rock. This show is awesome, and everyone needs to be watching it.
Yes, reporting a preseason Timberwolves score out of nowhere was the lamest way to blatantly segway into this clip. But, that's what I do. Lame Halloween party songs are the best.
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Clay
Bennett, owner of the new Oklahoma City Thunder franchise contacted
customer service in Seattle today to find out about the return policy
of the NBA team they bought in the offseason. After hearing about how
fun having a basketball team was from friend and Celtics owner Wyc
Grousbeck, Mr. Bennett purchased one from Seattle. But, after watching
them get blown out by the Indiana Pacers to leave them at 1-6 on the
season, he doesn't understand what fun his friend was talking about.
Some
experts are ready to declare the race for the 2008-09 MVP award already
over after the first game of the season. Although usually having to
wait a couple months before even making the first guesses as to who
will take home the illustrious prize, some are already prepared to
anoint Greg Oden. All this after he managed to play only a single
quarter before rolling his ankle and leaving the game.
After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
