The
recent economic downturn has meant hard times for several Major League
teams. The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to use bottles balsamic
vinegar instead of champagne for their playoff clinching celebration
last night, resulting in many jerseys ruined and many eyes burned. But
it has hit nowhere harder than the Kansas City Royals who announced
today that they were going under due to financial bankruptcy. But, all
is not lost as the New York Yankees have acquired the assets of the
Royals for $324 dollars.
Many fans are worried what this will
mean for them and the future of their team, so Hank Steinbrenner held a
press conference to address their concerns. "We want to assure everyone
that your team will not be going anywhere," said Steinbrenner. "We will
be renaming them the Kansas City Little Yankees. Yes, it is a little
insulting and degrading of a name, but not anymore so than the baseball
that has been played here over the past decade. Speaking of which, we
want to assure everyone that the same Kansas City baseball you have
come to love will still be played here. If ever a player starts
performing well, especially a starting pitcher, they will be traded to
the Yankees immediately.
"We know what you people here have come
to expect, and we will not stand in the way of that like some giant
corporation. One of the major reasons for the financial trouble of this
team has been this stadium. It's so big, and you have a giant parking
lot around the thing to boot. So, we're going to sell off the parking
lot land and allow you to drive in a park right on the field. This will
be a little hectic for the players, but you've got to deal with some
things when you're the Little Yankees..."
As
Yankee Stadium saw its last professional baseball game played in it on
Sunday, ESPN provided in-depth coverage of the game with the Orioles
and their tribute to Yankees legends of the past and present. For
sports fans, there is no more historic venue than the 85 year old
monument to baseball. Therefore, many people at home who could not make
it out to the final game saluted the stadium by flipping over to the
ceremonies during a commercial break in the Packers-Cowboys Sunday
Night Football game.
"When I was watching their video showcasing
the many hall of famers who had graced that field, I couldn't help but
get goosebumps," said Marty Klein, a sports fan from Buffalo. "But then
I realized my two and a half minutes were up, so I had to change the
channel back to the awesome early season football contest taking place.
I've got the Green Bay running back on my fantasy team! I can't miss
this thing!"
"I actually planned ahead, because I'm such a big
Yankees fan in addition to my love of the Cowboys," said another fan,
Dan Green. "So I Tivo'd the baseball game to watch after football. But
then my Tivo alerted me that there was a brand new Desperate Housewives
that overlapped the first hour, so I picked that instead. Then after
that there was a great 30 minute infomercial on a potato peeling device
called the Rotato. Then after that the game was half over, so I really
wanted to record the rest, but I decided to tape just whatever was on
The Weather Channel instead for 3 hours. Just in case some really cool
weather came on out of nowhere, I couldn't risk it. But man, I love
Yankee Stadium."
Some other fans planned to turn to the game
during a commercial break, or even for the 15 minutes at halftime, but
got distracted on the way up the channels from NBC to ESPN by the Emmys
and a rerun of Frasier. One fan who suffered such a channel changing
fate opined, "I will always have a special place in my heart for the
original Yankee Stadium, and also that episode where Frasier and his
father get trapped in an elevator together."
Joel
Zumaya of the Detroit Tigers attempts to hitchhike his way out of town
and onto a contender like the Yankees with teammate Ivan Rodriguez. But
sadly, not many friendly truck drivers were driving by the pitcher's
mound last night.
The
Seattle Mariners have agreed to terms on a 5-year deal with Jim Kelly,
a Seattle-area man they found leaving Home Depot with a 21-piece tool
set over the weekend. Despite being 52 and having no experience playing
baseball, the Mariners are confident they can turn around their MLB
worst start with Kelly leading their team. "Well, I saw him leaving the
store with just so many tools," said GM Lee Pelekoudas. "I've snuck up
behind other GMs at the annual owners meeting several times, to try to
hear what kinds of things real GMs talk about. I've heard them mention
5-tool players a few times, before they see me behind them, ridicule
me, and tell me to go pick up another Richie Sexson. If only 5 tools
are necessary to help a team play good ball on the field, just imagine
what 21 will get us!"
Kelly was happy with the multi-million
dollar contract he signed with the team, but was a bit confused on how
he would be able to contribute. "Well, I never really played baseball
as a kid," said Kelly. "I was more of a chess guy myself. They tell me
they just want me to go out and put all my many tools on display, so I
guess I'll put out a table somewhere. But I don't know how many people
are going to be able to come and see them if it's set up on the field.
This is the first tool set I've ever owned, so I'm going to have to
learn what it all does I suppose. There's this metal rod with a handle
at the end, maybe it's used for poking. I've also got a pair of really
dull scissors maybe, and a really big knife with a handle on it. I
guess I can cut them some meat or something in the clubhouse, but I'm
confused how this will help them get more wins."
A
fan hands Joe Torre a box of Wheaties to sign that happens to have Alex
Rodriguez and him on the cover. Joe Torre fondly remembers the time
when he coached a team with players that had an actual chance of ever
appearing on a Wheaties box.
The
Yankees and Athletics try to answer the age old question: how many men
can you fit on one base? The answer? Three normal players...or just
one Sidney Ponson.
The
New York Yankees continued their interleague dominance yesterday with a
resounding 23-0 win over the visiting Chicago Bears. The Bears looked
confused at times during the contest, with Rex Grossman giving up 8
runs in the first inning and was pulled after the second. "Well, I'm
still confident that I'll eventually find some type of ball I can throw
well, but it obviously isn't a baseball or football," said Grossman
after the contest. "I can really gun a soccer ball well, but apparently
that isn't even allowed in that sport. It's a shame."
328-pound
Bears shortstop/guard Terrence Metcalf made 4 errors in the game and
showed very limited range when pivoting to turn the double play. There
was talk after the game of sending him back down to the minors to trim
off a few hundred pounds. "Look, I'm not even sure of the rules of this
damn game," said Metcalf. "These little guys get to run around in front
of me, and they yelled at me the one time I tried to tackle one of them
who was rounding second. We also have got to wear these #### long pants
with stripes. I hate this sport."
Bears GM Jerry Angelo took time
after the game to criticize interleague play, and told MLB to move into
the 21st century. The 8th inning was especially lengthy after Brian
Urlacher caught a hard hit ball to first, yelled out "Interception!",
and then ran around the field with it trying to find the Yankees
endzone. Umpires and Yankee players chased him around for 20 minutes
trying to explain the situation.
New York has been on a big
rebound from their early season struggles since interleague play began,
having swept the Red Wings and Grizzlies as well. The Grizzlies series
was especially surprising, as it was played at Memphis' home court and
home sport. But, it looks like anyone can beat the Grizzlies at this
point.
San
Diego Padres secondbaseman Edgar Gonzalez doesn't quite make the play
to get Johnny Damon out at second, but he'll be damned if he isn't
going to give him one hell of a hug.
George
Steinbrenner was vocally angry about injuring his prized Wang during an
interleague game. "It really hurts when you see your Wang writhe in
pain and fall to the ground limp. The National League needs to get in
the 21st century where we don't put them out on the bases. My Wang is
not used to such strenuous activity."
New
York Yankees manager Joe Girardi put in a call to the bullpen for Joba
Chamberlin yesterday before the first pitch was even thrown. Well, our
rotation just looked like it had had enough in there, I didn't want the
other team to bust us up for a lot of runs because we were tired. So I
just went ahead and called into the bullpen immediately. The move did
not work out well, as Chamberlin was hit for 2 runs and only pitched
2.1 innings of relief. "It's very hard coming into a game in the middle
of it," said Joba. "To know that your starting pitching really needs
you to get in there and put together some shutdown innings, and I just
couldn't do it tonight."
"Well, I am getting tired of this
bullpen losing games for us out there," said starter Mike Mussina, the
pitcher originally scheduled for the game. "I had this team in a 0-0
tie when Joba took the mound, and they couldn't keep it together. I
don't know how much better I can do than pitch a shutout. This
hurts..."
Derek
Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Joba Chamberlin were traded today for Jay
Bruce, some pitching prospects, and a pizza with toppings to be named
later. It was a blockbuster deal signaling an end to one of the
greatest runs in the history of baseball. The New York Frankies, a
fantasy baseball franchise that has long dominated the "Biggg BallZ
LEaGue" on Yahoo sports has been broken up today with the move. After
winning championships in every year since the highly esteemed league's
enception in 2004, the move signals a possible changing of the guard in
the Biggg BallZ landscape.
Frank McBride, the owner of the team
has limped along to a 23-65 record in play so far this year and admits
it was time he started building for the future. "It's just getting too
expensive to run a team with this many big name players when you're
doing so bad," said McBride. "Plus I think I really got a great deal
out of this thing. He didn't specify how many toppings I could request
on that pizza, so that #### is gonna be getting me a supreme baby.
Little pictures on the internet of trophies are cool and all, but a
supreme pizza lasts forever."
The Motown Killaz are the
recipients of the star trio, but their owner who only identifies
himself by screename SlitLicker69 says it's unknown if Jeter will even
be starting on the new team. "Well, I already have Jimmy Rollins, and
Jeter doesn't get many steals or homeruns. But, we'll see what happens,
I always have my utility spot available for him."
Alex
Rodriguez is expected to return to the New York Yankees on Tuesday
after missing much of the early part of the season with a quad injury.
Doctors have advised him that returning so soon could put him at risk
to re-aggravate the injury, but A-Rod is anxious to get back and help
the team. "Well, I've been a part of so many disappointing teams here
in the past, but this one looks like it may just be the most
disappointing," Rodriguez said. "I'm excited to get out there again and
help crush the dreams of the overbearing New York fans. What better way
to do that than for the highest paid player in baseball to be a part of
the last place team? For too long I've been alone out there playing way
below expectations, especially in the clutch. But now everyone is doing
their part, it's very exciting."
It's believed Yankee fans have
long expected too much of their team, and this season filled with young
pitching should have been looked at as a rebuilding effort. "I don't
know about that, I don't think we're a particularly overly demanding
bunch," said Pat Holm, a long-time fan of the Bronx Bombers. "They be
going through a rough patch right now that none of us expected, sure.
But with A-Rod coming back tomorrow, I don't see any reason that they
can't win out the rest of the season and finish with 130 or so wins.
That seems entirely reasonable, and I'm going to freak out on message
boards and sports talk radio if it doesn't happen."
Many sports
pundits are not putting much faith in the ability of the team to reach
the 130 win plateau that most of the fans are looking for. But they are
certain that if it doesn't happen, there will be a lot of angry
grumbling from Hank Steinbrenner.
The
sordid details of Roger Clemens personal life continue to trickle out
of the woodwork as the former favorite baseball son is dragged through
the mud by newspapers and other media. First it was the Mitchell
Report, then the McNamee lawsuit, and now the Mindy McCready story. It
seems as if the star pitcher can not get anything by the people on his
tail. We attempt to round up all the latest allegations that have
emerged this week you may not have heard about in our Clemens Scandal
Recap:
Affair With Fetus- It was reported by Extra
last night that Clemens had a 9-month relationship with a fetus back in
the early 80's. Roger denies that there was anything sexual about the
relationship, as that would be logistically impossible. He says he and
the fetus used to just hang out and watch movies, sometimes they would
talk through a sonogram machine, but they were just friends. The fetus,
now the son of Clemens, says that he can not dispute any of the
allegations in the report. His wife claims to have no knowledge of the
affair. "It was happening literally right under my nose, and I can't
believe it."
Magic Muscle Growth Potion: It has shown
up on several blogs that a childhood friend of Clemens once went
halfsies with him on some Magic Muscle Growth Potion from the back of a
comic book, along with a pair of x-ray glasses. The potion promised to
give you "Super Muscles Strong" by putting a drop per day on your
biceps. No doubt this is where Clemens first discovered doping.
Clemens Adds "Misremember" Wikipedia Entry: An
IP address that has been linked to Clemens shows that over the past
several months he has been maintaining an entry on wikipedia for the
word "Misremember". He has ofted cited the site as a source when doing
interviews as proof that the word is real. The entry states the word
means "a statement showing that Brian McNamee is a ########
liar pants." His account has also been linked to changes to several
Lord Of The Rings entries to correct continuity changes between the
books and films.
Was At Canseco's 4th Grade Birthday Party:
Jose Canseco alledges in his new book that Clemens attended his 4th
grade birthday party, held at a Chucky Cheese in Houston, Texas.
Canseco states that at the party, he discussed anabolic steroids in
great detail with Clemens, and also which teachers at school had the
nicest boobies. It's unknown at this time if Clemens had a piece of the
chocolate/steroids ice cream cake, Canseco's favorite flavor.
Really
Roger Clemens? This is the best you could do as a young all-star
pitcher? That open face wound is a little hot, but that's all the
points I'm going to give ya.
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The
recent economic downturn has meant hard times for several Major League
teams. The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to use bottles balsamic
vinegar instead of champagne for their playoff clinching celebration
last night, resulting in many jerseys ruined and many eyes burned. But
it has hit nowhere harder than the Kansas City Royals who announced
today that they were going under due to financial bankruptcy. But, all
is not lost as the New York Yankees have acquired the assets of the
Royals for $324 dollars.
As
Yankee Stadium saw its last professional baseball game played in it on
Sunday, ESPN provided in-depth coverage of the game with the Orioles
and their tribute to Yankees legends of the past and present. For
sports fans, there is no more historic venue than the 85 year old
monument to baseball. Therefore, many people at home who could not make
it out to the final game saluted the stadium by flipping over to the
ceremonies during a commercial break in the Packers-Cowboys Sunday
Night Football game.
The
Seattle Mariners have agreed to terms on a 5-year deal with Jim Kelly,
a Seattle-area man they found leaving Home Depot with a 21-piece tool
set over the weekend. Despite being 52 and having no experience playing
baseball, the Mariners are confident they can turn around their MLB
worst start with Kelly leading their team. "Well, I saw him leaving the
store with just so many tools," said GM Lee Pelekoudas. "I've snuck up
behind other GMs at the annual owners meeting several times, to try to
hear what kinds of things real GMs talk about. I've heard them mention
5-tool players a few times, before they see me behind them, ridicule
me, and tell me to go pick up another Richie Sexson. If only 5 tools
are necessary to help a team play good ball on the field, just imagine
what 21 will get us!"
The
New York Yankees continued their interleague dominance yesterday with a
resounding 23-0 win over the visiting Chicago Bears. The Bears looked
confused at times during the contest, with Rex Grossman giving up 8
runs in the first inning and was pulled after the second. "Well, I'm
still confident that I'll eventually find some type of ball I can throw
well, but it obviously isn't a baseball or football," said Grossman
after the contest. "I can really gun a soccer ball well, but apparently
that isn't even allowed in that sport. It's a shame."
New
York Yankees manager Joe Girardi put in a call to the bullpen for Joba
Chamberlin yesterday before the first pitch was even thrown. Well, our
rotation just looked like it had had enough in there, I didn't want the
other team to bust us up for a lot of runs because we were tired. So I
just went ahead and called into the bullpen immediately. The move did
not work out well, as Chamberlin was hit for 2 runs and only pitched
2.1 innings of relief. "It's very hard coming into a game in the middle
of it," said Joba. "To know that your starting pitching really needs
you to get in there and put together some shutdown innings, and I just
couldn't do it tonight." 
Derek
Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Joba Chamberlin were traded today for Jay
Bruce, some pitching prospects, and a pizza with toppings to be named
later. It was a blockbuster deal signaling an end to one of the
greatest runs in the history of baseball. The New York Frankies, a
fantasy baseball franchise that has long dominated the "Biggg BallZ
LEaGue" on Yahoo sports has been broken up today with the move. After
winning championships in every year since the highly esteemed league's
enception in 2004, the move signals a possible changing of the guard in
the Biggg BallZ landscape. 
Alex
Rodriguez is expected to return to the New York Yankees on Tuesday
after missing much of the early part of the season with a quad injury.
Doctors have advised him that returning so soon could put him at risk
to re-aggravate the injury, but A-Rod is anxious to get back and help
the team. "Well, I've been a part of so many disappointing teams here
in the past, but this one looks like it may just be the most
disappointing," Rodriguez said. "I'm excited to get out there again and
help crush the dreams of the overbearing New York fans. What better way
to do that than for the highest paid player in baseball to be a part of
the last place team? For too long I've been alone out there playing way
below expectations, especially in the clutch. But now everyone is doing
their part, it's very exciting."
The
sordid details of Roger Clemens personal life continue to trickle out
of the woodwork as the former favorite baseball son is dragged through
the mud by newspapers and other media. First it was the Mitchell
Report, then the McNamee lawsuit, and now the Mindy McCready story. It
seems as if the star pitcher can not get anything by the people on his
tail. We attempt to round up all the latest allegations that have
emerged this week you may not have heard about in our Clemens Scandal
Recap: 
