Flashbulbs went off around Shea Stadium as David Wright took one final horribly awkward swing at a pitch in the dirt, thrown by a 19-year-old September callup from the Marlins. With the strikeout, the Mets had culminated another epic collapse, providing the perfect sendoff to Shea Stadium during its final season. The fans in attendance cheered wildly, as there could not have been more fitting an end to Shea than a choke nearly as disasterous as the previous season's. The team attempted to head into the locker room, but the crowd would not stop booing until David Wright came out for a curtain call, to which they booed him even louder.

Some fans were emotional after the game, with grown men weeping about the memories they shared at Shea Stadium. "I remember the first time I came here with my father," said Dave Delucci, a lifelong Mets fan. "We watched the Mets choke a good 7 run lead away to the Braves back in '71. It was a special father-son moment I won't ever forget. Later on when he was battling cancer and his liver failed, it was like the Mets were inside that liver, failing just like they do in real life. This really was the perfect final chapter to this stadium, and to being a Mets fan."

Manager Jerry Manuel was given a 4-year contract extension, and promised even better failures in the future. "We can do better," he declared. "If you thought 7 and 1/2 games in two weeks was good last year, you ain't seen nothing yet." Diehard fans even took off chunks of the stadium to bring home...so they could burn them and never have to think about the place again.

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After being on the market for weeks, Atlanta Braves 1st Baseman Mark Teixeira has finally found a new home. Gema Onbekend, a 60 year old man from Indonesia, saw Teixeira at a local produce market and decided to pick him up. "I've always wanted to get into American baseball," said Onbekend. "I saw he had been up on the market for weeks, so I figured why not just pick him up. If his team doesn't want him, I'm sure I can find some work for him around my house. I'm only 8 more players shy of an expansion franchise now!"

Teixeira has hit 19 home runs this year for the Braves, but his contract is up at the end of the season and they have little chance to re-sign him. "Well, I don't want to brag about my negotiating prowess," said GM Frank Wren. "But, I managed to get Gema up from his initial offer of 3 mules and a kasava melon. He threw in some Indonesian clothing, and even 2 of his own children. I don't know what exactly I'm going to do with them yet, but I've always wanted to try out those slave things I've heard so much about!"

Teixeira was said to be slightly upset with the transaction. He was unavailable for comment, but in a hand-written letter to his mother he expressed relaxation in his new surrounding. He says he only has to work 16 hours per day in the fields. Gema is going to put some fresh hay for him on the stone floor he is sleeping on at the end of the month, and may even sand down the jagged rock he uses for a pillow if he behaves.

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The Mets held off their press conference to announce the firing of Willie Randolph until 3:00 am eastern time, which confused many people around the country. But as everyone knows, most Mets fans come from Tajikistan, where the announcement was made during prime time. The press conference interrupted prime time shows like the medical drama "Happy Happy Rabbit Explosion!" and "Exceptional Star Girls Beautiful", a sitcom about a black family. But the Tajiki people are avid Mets fans, as evidenced by the fact that David Wright finished second in the Prime Minister voting last year, as a write-in candidate. The government declared today a national day of mourning to remember the coach who almost got the Mets to the 2006 World Series before losing to a hot but dreadful Cardinals team.

The streets of Tajiki capital Dushanbe were abuzz with talk about who would be the next Mets skipper while those of us back in the States were still sleeping. "I think I have a good chance at being the next Mets manager," said Yahyo Oqilov, a customer service representative for several American companies. "I don't have any knowledge of baseball, but seemingly neither did Willie Randolph. Most of my experience comes from telling frustrated Americans to unplug their modems and then plug them back in, or that they'll have to send their device in for service. But I think I'm more than qualified to run the great Mets ship."

Mets GM Omar Minaya says the move needed to happen at that time to appeal to their biggest fanbase. "We had to give this news to the Tajiki people first, and that's why we spoke the entire time in Tajikiese. Who cares if it isn't good television here, those people have declared their national flower and national bird the Met. It doesn't even make sense, but it's a great sign of respect. Without their enormous buys of our officially licensed merchandise we would never be able to afford this $120 million payroll which we have used to build an amazing 6 game lead on the tough Washington Nationals. So now hopefully our unsure and short-lived interim manager Charlie Manuel will be able to right the ship and get us out of 4th place. Interim managers always fare very well in times like these."

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"I'm so proud of the special group of youngsters we've developed here in the Florida Marlins Organization," said team owner Jeffrey Loria, following his team's surprising 1st place finish through two weeks of the baseball season. The team from Miami, known more for selling off prospects than winning World Series in 1997 and 2003, might be looking to sell again sooner than they thought.

"We were able to make some real money by selling all our stars following the World Series years, and even made some cool dollars last year by trading away our best pitcher and hitter to Detroit. I thought it would be at least 3 more seasons before we would be able to do it again, but I guess these guys are ready to be sold after all. I see us more as a foster home than a baseball team, we just raise them and then send them off into the real baseball world. So, who's ready to buy some players? Remember, this is the team that beat out Johan Santana's Mets and Ryan Howard's Phillies for first place!"

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Pedro Martinez, one of the key pieces of the New York Mets rotation turned in 3 and 1/3 innings this season before hurting his hamstring and leaving the game. While he has not been the most durable of pitchers during his stay in New York, no one expected his season to be so short. He went down after throwing a pitch that tweaked the hammy, and left the field amidst a standing ovation. Everyone was extremely grateful for the great effort Martinez had given this team over the course of the grueling 3 innings.

"It's been one of the truly great baseball seasons," said ESPN analyst Peter Gammons. "In a century people will look back on this year and say, wow, how did Pedro do it? It's just so impressive. I know we're only 2 days into the season, but I don't think it's too early to start talking about the Cy Young. Not only should Pedro be in contention for it, but I think we should rename it to the Pedro Martinez Award."

Martinez was not pitching a good game at the time of his exit by normal standards, and will have a 10.80 ERA on the season. "Pedro isn't one those power pitchers who has a single digit ERA," said longtime Mets fan Aaron Gale. "He's going to be in the high teens, early twenties region, and that's just how he does it. People will ask me later in life what it was like to watch 'The Season', as it will certainly be called from now on. I'll tell them it was magical, something I wouldn't trade for anything. To see a player battle over the course of a long 3 innings, it's just a feat you don't get to see many times in your life."

Martinez was a little somber about the season. "Well, we had a good run there. There were so many ups and downs during my excrutiating season, I'm just glad it's over. I remember this one time I got a strikeout, and this other time I threw a ball. So many great memories from this year. But now I can relax and get ready for next season, the year I'm finally going to be healthy."

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The Minnesota Twins were sent scrambling for a replacement for ace Johan Santana after trading him to New York last month. They couldn't get someone with his talent, so they instead got someone who looked a lot like him, in Livan Hernandez. The 1997 World Series MVP is on to a new team after spending last year with Arizona. While Santana had a mid-90's fastball, Hernandez brings a mid 60's Eephus pitch. While Johan weighed a light 200, Livan comes in at a pudgy 260.

But Twins management hopes they can fool the majority of their fans and get Hernandez into Santana's old uniform and position. "Hopefully our fans don't follow sports news," said own Carl Pohland. "I don't think that ESPN channel is received by many people, and I don't know anyone who has that internet nonsense. Hopefully we can just pit him in the uniform and people won't be able to tell it's not Johan from way up in the stands. It's not like baseball is shown on that moving picture box."

It's unknown if this gamble will pay off for Minnesota, but their ownership seems to be very aware of the state of their business.

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A video was posted on Youtube yesterday clearly showing Pedro Martinez and Hall Of Famer Juan Marichal at a cockfight in the Dominican Republic. Cockfighting is legal in the DR and the video was removed shortly after because of violations of Youtube's terms of service.

Martinez and Marichal were quick to dispute the video to TSC in a sit-down interview. "It is clearly a fake," said Martinez. "There are amazing things you can do nowadays with computers. Did you see Star Wars? That thing was all done by George Lucas and computers!"

"So you're saying George Lucas is responsible for this video?" we said.

"It's entirely possible," said Marichal. "He wanted me to play the young Anakin Skywalker in the new trilogy, and no doubt he's holding a grudge I turned down the role."

"Aren't you like 70 years old?" we asked.

"Crazy things happen in space," replied Marichal.

"Well, if you guys don't have some kind of alibi for that night, it's gonna be some bad PR for you two."

"Well, uh, we couldn't have been at the cockfight because we were busy killing a drifter that night," added Pedro.

"Oh yeah! That's right! We couldn't have been there because we were murdering that guy who wanted a ride," said Marichal.

Stunned, we asked, "Excuse me?"

"Look, his body can corroborate our story, we'll show you where we buried it!" yelled Martinez.

"Wait, we also have those guys we sold the heroine to!" said Marichal. "They could tell him we weren't there too!"

"Look guys, cockfighting isn't even illegal in the Dominican Republic, and we're not the police. You guys are admitting to things way worse than attending this fight."

"We weren't there! We were smuggling a nuclear missle into the country from the new Russian communist regime, the NU SSR," said Pedro.

"We weren't supposed to reveal the existence of the NU SSR! Damn it man!" scolded Marichal.

"Alright guys, I don't know if I believe anything any more. Uh, thank you for your time..."

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When word of the trade of Johan Santana went through, the people in the Mets clubhouse knew they would have quite a lot of work to do. Santana is one of the best pitchers in the game, if not the best, and his addition to the Mets roster makes the established identity of the Mets a little less clear. Long known as the underachievers in the National League, despite one of the largest payrolls in all of baseball, New York could actually be good this year.

"Well, it's tough," said manager Willie Randolph. "It's a lot harder than people think to be able to waste all this talent we have on this team. When I was brought in, I was told what the objective was here in New York: keep on losing. People like lovable losers, and that's what we've become. No matter the payroll, no matter the acquisition, we always have to disappoint. That almost didn't happen last year, I had to manage us out of a big division lead over the last month of the season."

"He's gonna need some work," said pitching coach Rick Peterson while watching a video of Santana. "Look at that throwing motion, it's almost beautiful, flawless. That's not something we can have here, he's not going to give up enough homeruns doing that. We're gonna have to teach him some erroneous leg kick, maybe an underhanded toss, or even just have him kick the ball towards the plate. That's more like a Mets delivery."

"I bought Mets season tickets next year," said an outraged fan. "I was going to take my son to the games and show him that you can't always win in life, often times you lead the league in ERA and lose to a pathetic team like the Marlins. It was supposed to be a metaphor for life, and help him realize he should probably just give up his dreams, go to junior college, and manage a McDonald's. Now they could actually win! He's gonna want to play baseball, or be a molecular biologist or something! Damn you Mets, damn you!"

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"My name is David Wright. I am the last good player alive in the National League. If there is anyone else out there, I will be playing a game called baseball every day at noon, when the sun is highest in the sky."

So begins the trailer for the new movie I Am Legend, premiering this April. It tells the based on a true story of the last good player in the National League and his quest to solve the mysteries of why there is so little talent in his league compared to the AL. The story was inspired by the recent trade of Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins to the Tigers.

The trade will likely mean continued dominance of the America League, who has won 7 of the past 10 World Series, 5 via sweeps, and the last 10 all-star games. The last team to learn the hard lesson of the AL dominance was the Colorado Rockies who swept through all the NL competitors they faced for an entire month, but then couldn't win a single game against the Boston Red Sox.

"It's a real fun story," said star David Wright. "It's an apocalyptic vision of baseball, where I alone stand up to an entire league. There's a good twist in the end where you learn that there actually are other players in the NL, but because they receive no reporting or TV coverage, the world never finds out. It's a very real movie, because just like true life the only teams shown to the public are the Red Sox and Yankees."

He continued, "There's a real fun scene in the middle where I have to take on the entire AL All-Star Team by myself due to no one else being picked from my league. I have to pitch, and then field. I end up losing 74-2. I originally said we may want to bump that number up a little, as that's usually the score in real life when we have a complete NL team, but they said it they didn't want to make it too depressing."


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Mariano Rivera was offered a three-year, $45 million offer to stay with the New York Yankees on Tuesday. It would make him the richest reliever in history by far, at about $4 million more per year than the next closest, the Mets Billy Wagner. Even only 4 starting pitchers would make more.

Despite it being a 50% increase over the highest salary in the game at his position, Rivera was unimpressed. He held a press conference to say "Si, Acepto esta oferta." Luckily his Spanish translator was there who told us this meant: "This offer is a huge insult to me and my ability. $15 million per year! I want to be so rich I can wipe my #### with $1000 dollar bills! By my calculations I go through a couple thousand 2-ply sheets of regular toilet paper per year, so this offer could leave my #### very ####y in late-November, early December. That is completely unacceptable!"

Rivera then said "Me encanta los New York Yankees." His translator converted "I hate the New York Yankees. If I were in the ####, the Yankees were a minority plantation slave, and we lived in 1840's Georgia, they would be hanging from my tree."

"Gracias." Said Mariano as he got up to leave.

"Oh, and #### you in the face." said his translator as he quickly followed.