I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Sorry Washington, there is no way you are beating America's football analyst bandwagon team.
• Ha ha Jets! You guys get stuck with Brett Favre, who's so old he just can't keep it up for an entire game. I bet by the second quarter he's already gassed. You guys only wish you had Aaron Rodgers, someone so durable and so accurate.
• Remember when Larry Johnson was actually good? Even the horrid Denver defense is going to be able to shut him down.
• Seriously, what's with the lamp? You can only buy 99.9% of the official Steelers team merchandise released?! You sir, are not a fan.
• The Chargers have looked decent in recent weeks, but I just don't think they have an explosive enough offense to rally in the 4th quarter.
• It will be a tough task for the Rams stadium announcing crew to keep from laughing out loud when they announce Trent Green as their starting quarterback. It will be an even tougher task to keep them from offing themselves later in the season after watching a few more games of this team.
• Frank Caliendo's Dish Network commercials, just as hilarious as his TBS show featuring sketches with an astounding 8 impersonations, 4 of which are John Madden. A show so funny even TBS said it wasn't good enough to stay on their air.
• The Titans undefeated streak will end this week when they run into the unstoppable force that is Gus Frerotte.
• With Carson Palmer out with a last-minute injury, the Bengals hand the reigns over to Ryan Fitzpatrick from Harvard. At least with a guy that smart, they won't be making too many costly mistakes...
• Come on Jacksonville, have an exciting close game for once!
• Thank you Coors Light, finally a beer bottle that turns blue to tell us when it's cold, it was way too hard to tell by touching it with our hands.

This is a joke column we run weekly here at TSC and on CBSSports.com. Some people however fail to realize that it is in fact a joke, so to check out the hilarious responses check out THIS and THIS.

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Despite his latest effort, battling Jet Li as a cursed Chinese emperor, being kind of a failure, Brendan Fraser will be back in a fourth Mummy installment. The sequel will document his fight against an ancient quarterback known as The Favre in the year 2112. It has yet to be explained how Fraser's character is still alive at this time, but it's assumed the amazing writing staff behind the very cerebral Mummy franchise will be able to come up with a perfectly plausible explanation.

"The Mummy IV: Madden Cover Curse" will take Fraser's character to the far reaches of the future temple known as EA Sports. Inside the building, which has been condemned for some 50 years, he discovers the remains of once great players who have appeared on Madden covers. Michael Vick, Shaun Alexander, and Marshall Faulk are all entombed there along with Brett Favre, the fallen Lord Emperor Of New York.

He came to rule the state after leading the Jets to a Super Bowl in his first season, and the 24-7 media coverage around him allowed him to take over a position as dictator. From there he used the NY national guard to stage a war against the rest of the country, eventually moving on Washington DC. The President asked lead adviser John Madden what could be done to stop Lord Emperor Favre, but he said nothing. For Favre's intangibles and gunslings(a new device somehow superior to a real gun) were too much. The President surrendered the country and within a matter of months Favre ruled the entire Western Hemisphere.

But he was entombed in the EA Sports corporate headquarters by a magical priest who decreed that he and others were under to control of the Madden Curse. This was a curse which made them seek world domination, and also want to fight dogs against each other. The only way to stop them was to entomb them in the offices of EA forever. It was also the only way to stop EA from releasing the same game every year with new rosters and one new offensive or defensive feature and charges $60 for it.

When Fraser's character enters the offices in the future, he re-activates the mummified players and has to battle them as they try to take over the world. He must fight against Michael Vick's hellhounds, Marshall Faulk's horrid announcing ability, and outrun Shaun Alexander, as he comes after him 2.2 yards at a time before falling to the ground. After that will he have what it takes to take down Lord Emperor Favre once and for all? Find out next summer...

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Peyton Manning was ruled out of the second preseason game for the Indianapolis Colts, as he continues to recover from the infected bursa sac he had removed from his knee a couple of weeks ago. Manning's PR agent Johnny Philips held a press conference to assure fans of the quarterback, especially the ladies, that he would be back and just as good as before.

"I know a lot of you are worried about Peyton," said Philips. "And it is a commonly known fact that what makes a quarterback great is his giant sack. Brady, Elway, Marino, Favre, we are talking about some of the biggest sacks in history here. But, I assure you that the removal of this sack will in no way affect Peyton's play on the field. You see, Peyton is such a great quarterback because he has multiple sacks hidden throughout his body. That's where he gets his special ability, his intangibles out on the field. He has his normal male sack, a sack on his right shoulder, two more sacks inside his lower abdomen, the sack in his knee, and if he ever took off his shoes you would see that he has not a foot, but a giant sack down there too. This is a man who still, despite the loss, still sweats manliness from his pores. He could get a woman pregnant from touching her after a brisk jog. So, I think we're going to be fine. He will be back soon."

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Jon Gruden sat at his home computer with a smile on his face as he clicked reload and watched the minutes tick down on his bid for Brett Favre on eBay. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach had been watching the auction for weeks, when Favre was listed by the Green Bay Packers for the starting bid of 1 dollar. Towards the beginning of the auction, it looked like either PackinHard4Life or Wisconsinprincess6969 would land Favre after a brutal bidding war. But once the price went about 70 bucks, neither could stay in the race. That was when Gruden put in his bid of $14 million in hopes of adding the superstar to his prized quarterback collection.

Gruden has over 300 old quarterbacks in his home, that he hopes can one day contribute to a championship. When we entered his large estate we found a foyer with Super Bowl winning QB Brad Johnson encased in a plastic case in the middle, presumably to preserve him. As we passed him, with Gruden leading us to his computer room, Johnson begged for water and said not to let Gruden hit him with "the happy stick". We didn't know what that meant, but it sounded fun. We kept walking and passed the Hall Of Quarterbacks, as Gruden called it, where Gannon, Garcia, Plummer, and others were being held.

When we got to the computer, Gruden showed us the bid he had in for Favre, and says he frequently bids on any QBs that appear on the site, but only if they are over 30. "Now, I know a near mint condition Favre sounds like a steal at $14 million, but it's the $6 million shipping that really gets you," said Gruden. "But, that's eBay for you. Once I have him, my collection will be the greatest in the world. I'm going to take some time off in the Fall to tour with the collection in the QB convention circuit. No point in being a collector if you aren't going to show them off."

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Hello everyone, I want to announce here my very first video post. You all usually know me for fake sports news I post on here semi-regularly, but below is my first attempt at doing something visual. It's an interview with Brett Favre where he denies being tampered with by the Minnesota Vikings. It's pretty darn funny, in my humble opinion. Try to ignore the shoddy production values and let me know what you think! Be gentle, it's my first attempt....

Quinn Morgan, a man from New Jersey is convinced he has found the ultimate fantasy sleeper this year after watching New York Jets training camp over the weekend. This will be the 58-year-old Quinn's second year playing fantasy football after last season when he did not win a single game due to not knowing how to log onto "that internet thing" to set his draft order and change his roster. But now, after paying a 1st grader down the street 5 dollars to teach him about computers, he is confident he will be able to play competitively this year. To get a heads up on the fantasy scouting, he went and watched the first day of Jets training camp.

"Well, if there's one thing I know really well it's football," said Mr. Morgan. "I'm new to all this fantasy stuff, but it sounds like a whole lot of fun. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that defense wins championships, and I'm told you get to draft entire defenses in these fantasy leagues! Why would someone draft just one running back when you can get the entire defense for the same single pick! I'm going to get them all and dominate this league!"

When asked about what other sleepers Morgan sees in the upcoming draft he said the following. "I've heard a lot about sleepers, and I'm going to be watching closely to see who out here seems the most sleepy. It naturally makes sense that whoever gets the most sleep is going to play the best, so I understand why this is such a sought-after trait." He observed rookie punter Joe Smith having a nap in the afternoon between practices, and immediately pegged him as his possible number one pick. "Look at all the rest he's getting out there! He's going to be able to punt that thing really far and get me a ton of points!"

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The Brett Favre story took more twists and turns over the weekend as Favre was told by Packers GM Ted Thompson to stay away from their facilities until he could work something out. Favre told Thompson he has until Wednesday to work something out, or he will put in his reinstatement papers to the league. This story has gripped the nation over the past month and a half, with ESPN even launching their new channel, ESPN Favre yesterday. The new channel covers all the latest happenings in the world of Favre with specials, breaking news, interviews, and a nightly broadcast of their flagship program Favrecenter.

Universal Pictures has said to have acquired the rights to the Favre retirement story from Brett himself. Peter Jackson, director of Lord Of The Rings, has said to be signed on to adapt to story into an epic trilogy called "The Favre: Redemption: Battle For Shadow Tundra: This Time It's Personal." Jackson is excited about the project, not only because it is the longest titled movie of all time, but because it is a story with so much drama.

"I see this as one of the great stories of all time," said Jackson. "It's about a battered and worn avenger, who has given his all to his superiors. But then when he wants to come back for another year, after stringing them along for two straight offseasons and handing the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl in overtime, they for some unknown reason tell him no."

"The first film in the TFRBFST3IP saga will be about Favre as a boy, learning the art of quarterbacking from a wise but dangerous dark QB master, exiled from the NFL for throwing a pass so hard it took off a man's head. Brett has to battle the power of dark quarterbacking, to eventually destroy his mentor in a brutal punt, pass, and kick competition. I watched my 7 year old son do one of these last year, and let me tell you, they can get really intense."

"The second film is a story about his rise to power and his reign as King Lord Bishop of Wisconsin. There will be a lot of time spent in his famous ice castle, where he directs the wars against the various continental powers such as the Viking people to the North and the great Bears and Lions to the east. We're thinking up some epic battle scenes for this thing, imagine Chronicles Of Narnia meets Tron."

"The third film will focus on Favre's attempted comeback, and all the events that have happened recently. A young evil prince named Sir Rodgers will attempt to take his kingdom in a vicious coup. From a small village in Mississippi, Brett will attempt to rally the land to his side with the help o####ypsy woman named Gretta Van Sustren. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but we're thinking about a lightsaber duel with the Arch-Demon Ted Thompson in the Training Fortress Of Infinity. This trilogy is going to be a wild ride, that's for sure."

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

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By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

A source close to Bill Parcells has informed TSC that Cam Cameron has been dismissed as coach of Miami today. Though names like Bill Cowher and Jason Garrett have been tossed around by other media outlets, TSC has learned that Parcells, never one to go conventional, plans to name his lucky Magic 8-ball the Dolphins next head coach. According to the source, its his lucky charm that he’s had since he was a kid, and its helped him through a lot of tough decisions in his career. And honestly, he thinks the Dolphins have a better shot of winning by relying on the wisdom of a cheap plastic toy than relying on Cam Cameron.

TSC was able to gain an exclusive interview with the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins and the first toy coach in league history:

TSC: “Bill Parcells has not wasted any time in making changes since being hired to run the Dolphins and fans are expecting immediate improvement. Do you think you will be able to live up to their expectations?”

Coach 8-Ball: “You May Rely On It”

TSC: “Wow, that’s a pretty confident response for someone with absolutely zero coaching experience. That must mean you think Coach Cameron is a complete ####?”

Coach 8-Ball: “It Is Certain”

TSC: Well alright then. Coach, this year the Dolphins started Trent Green and Cleo Lemon at QB, don’t those guys sound more like characters in the Clue board game?

Coach 8-Ball: “Signs Point to Yes”

TSC: I take it that means you’ll be heading in a different direction at QB, is it possible the Dolphins will go after Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Concentrate and Ask Again”

TSC: Um. . .okay. . .will the Dolphins try to sign Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Reply Hazy, Try Again”

TSC: Maybe we'll just move on. Some fans are hoping that the Dolphins will draft RB Darrin McFadden with the first pick, your thoughts?

Coach 8-Ball: “Outlook Not So Good”

TSC: So that means you’re going defense and Glen Dorsey?

Coach 8-Ball: “Don't Count On It”

TSC: “So will you entertain offers to trade away the first pick?”

Coach 8-Ball: “Better Not Tell You Now”

TSC: “Alright, well this interview is getting a little weird frankly, so let me just ask you in closing, what can you say to Dolphin fans everywhere who are expecting to make a playoff run in 2008?”

Coach 8-Ball: “My Sources Say No.”

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Bill Belichick announced early Friday he was canceling team practice so that he could go home and do some practicing of his d**chebaggery. It's the biggest game of the season for the world's biggest a**hole, figuratively of course, literally would probably be a porn star of some sort. "What they did to me earlier in the season is unforgivable. No one challenges The Belichick. Nobody!" said Bill angrily as he left the practice facility. "Everything you've seen so far this season has just been a warmup. The lack of handshakes, the running up the score, leaving starters in, it's all child's play compared to what you will see on Sunday. I have to go practice to make sure I'm ready."

A TSC correspondent followed Belichick as he went about his practice for the day. He started by going to a movie theater, standing outside the ticket window, and reciting the endings for all the movies currently playing. "You're gonna see that one? He dies at the end. That romantic comedy? They get together after her brother is diagnosed with cancer." The theater staff attempted to have him arrested, but the police informed them what he was doing isn't exactly illegal. There is no d**chebag law.

After that he went into the city's most popular candy store and bought everything in it, ensuring kids would have nothing to buy after school. He went to the mall with a megaphone to tell children waiting in line that Santa wasn't real, and if he did there was no way he'd stay monogamous to that old wife of his. He then showed the kids doctored photos of Santa having sex with a trio of young boy elves.

From there it was to EB Games, where he edited the roster of the Indianapolis Colts to have all players rated 0. He then played a 12-year-old who used to inferior Colts team, and even though was losing 123-0, Belichick kept his starters in and kept throwing hail marys. He completed his mall tour by going to the food court and ordering a sandwich from Subway. He exploited their "We'll remake the sandwich until it's right" policy until he had gone through their entire stock of buns, meat, and toppings. He then told them to just forget the sandwich, he'd go to Chik-Fil-A instead.

After a good day of ruining people's lives he went home and had a cup of scalding hot tea. It burns his mouth and makes him angrier, something he needs in his every day life. After drinking half the cup of tea and burning off most of his tastebuds, he poured the remainder down his pants. Watch out Mangini. He's been practicing, and he's got tea burns on his junk.

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By Contributing Writer Matt Webb

Just days before Bill Belichick and his undefeated Patriots are scheduled to hit the field in Foxboro to exact revenge on Eric Mangini and the New York Jets, an ominous package was delivered to the coach’s office. Written in what appeared to be the handwriting of a third grader and addressed simply to “Coach B” in “The New England” the package somehow found its way to Gillette Stadium and into the hands of the Pats head man himself. Standing at the podium during his press conference today, Belichick held back tears of anger as he read from the enclosed letter:

“Dear Coach B, just thought I would drop you a line to say good luck in this week’s game. I had hoped by now that we could have put all that Spygate stuff in the past and compete on the field this week like two grown men, but then I pick up the paper this morning and see that someone turned us in for taping games too. What a coincidence!!!” Belichick paused to collect himself before continuing to read, “You know, speaking of games, remember last year when you went down to coach the Pro Bowl in Hawaii because you got beat by the Colts in playoffs and you asked me to housesit for you while you were gone? I thought this week would be a good time for me to send you some photos I took while I was there. Hope you enjoy them as much as me and my team did.”

Belichick placed the letter back in the envelope and then asked a staff member to dim the press room lights. What followed was a brief slideshow that can’t be adequately described in words. In the first photo, Coach Mangini and an unidentified female can be seen completely naked and in the midst of a sexual act on Coach Belichick’s dining room table. The caption to the photo read simply “Hey Bill, how does my butt sweat taste?!?!” A second photo showed Coach Mangini in obvious discomfort with Coach Belichick’s toothbrush shoved up his nether region, with the caption “Now you know why you have doo-doo breath!!!!”

As the lights came up, Belichick slammed his fist on the desk. “He wants a war? By God, he’s got one!” Belichick yelled, “we’re gonna beat his team’s #### by 60 and make them like it.” Not only did Belichick vow to destroy the Jets on the field, but he vowed that after the game, his lineman would hold down “Coach Manboobies” while he proceeded to give him a triple noogie followed by a nuclear wedgie.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

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Even Mother Nature couldn't will the Miami Dolphins to a win Monday night, although she did try to help her favorite NFL team. Rain, rain, and more rain was heaped upon the field before the game, leaving the grass resembling more a lake than anything else. She has been watching the Dolphins flounder all season, and thought the only way perhaps to help them was to flood the field. "They are the Dolphins, they should be able to play a better game under water. The Steelers? What do they even do, process steel? There is no way they are going to be able to beat Miami in their own element. I've been saving up rain from the southern California area for months, and I'm gonna unleash it on those damn Steelers," said an angry Mother Nature before the game.

But even her ingenious plan was not enough. Although it did slow down the Steelers, the Dolphins played offensively about how they usually do, which resulted in 0 points and 2 more injuries to their running backs, including the returning Ricky Williams. When you sustain more injuries in a game than score points, things are going pretty bad for your team. Mother Nature was irate after the game, "How did we blow this one?! I kept them scoreless for 59 minutes and 43 seconds, and they still couldn't win?! I give up! I'm going to just become a Patriots fan like everybody else! But first, I'm going to go monsoon Thailand in retribution."

Jeff Reed's 24-yard field goal with 17 seconds left Monday night gave Pittsburgh a 3-0 victory against winless Miami, the first time in 64 years an NFL game went that long without any points. It was the league's lowest-scoring game since Dec. 11, 1993, when the New York Jets beat Washington 3-0.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The high-octane, fast paced, non-sloppy version of football we play here in America will capture the attention of Europe after this exhibition game. We don't kick balls here, we throw them long into the endzone! (Actual Offensive Tally Sunday: 3 FGs, 2 PATs, 1 Passing TD)
• The Patriots finally come up against a good passing defense this week. Look for trips to the endzone to be scarce for New England.
• If you trust you take financial investing advice from cartoon people, then you should put your money with Charles Shwab. Apparently they all do.
• Once the Jets make the change to Kellen Clemens they will benefit immensely from his accuracy and mistake-free play.
• Why is nobody starting Brooks Bollinger? His name is Brooks Bollinger!
• After years of Subway serving subs with so little meat even vegetarians will eat them, of using veggies that taste like wet pieces of slime, of serving "fresh-baked" bread that makes you long for Wonder brand. Subway is now giving soup the same wonderful treatment. Stop in today!
• The Bengals don't suck!(My most inaccurate day-too-late prediction of all time)
• Now that Trent Edwards is solidified as the Buffalo starter, they can finally get some consistency at the QB position.
• The Dolphins were dumb to trade Daunte Culpepper, he will continue to light it up for Oakland and put all kinds of points on the board.
• The Geico Gecko's accent keeps getting progressively more British. Pretty soon their commercials will sound like "When you're done snogging in your car, be sure to check the bonnet and see if your cherry could use some more petrol. My! I'm feeling a wee bit knackered, I better hit the loo before I get all mingered. Oh yes, also save some quid with Geico."
• I finally unloaded Drew Brees on some unsuspecting sap in my fantasy league! I got Matt Schaub in return! How do you spell Victory?
• With McNabb sucking up the field, it's going to be Brian Westbrook's high yards per carry that will lead the Eagles to a win this week.

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