• The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
• With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
• Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
• If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
• Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
• It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
• Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
• The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
• I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
• I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
• The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
• Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!

The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

The city of New Orleans was barely left standing after the disaster that was the 2007 Saints season. Standing among the rubble of their homes and businesses, residents huddled together waiting for help to arrive in the form of a free agent or trade, but none came. Every Sunday, the Superdome became a shelter for those wanting to witness the chaos and carnage. But out of this tragedy, the city has rebuilt itself. It has banded together in a way that they have not done in...about a year.

The symbol of this rebuilding and rejuvenation of the city has been the New Orleans Hornets, who now have the best record in the Western Conference. "We are very proud of our team and our city, it shows that we can come back from such an epic disaster. I lost 2 children to that Saints season. I went to get concessions about a minute before halftime, and when I looked up at the scoreboard while in line I saw we had somehow given up two more touchdowns. I decided I couldn't take it anymore and just left, with my kids still in the stands. Damn you god! They were so young!"

The mayor made a speech following the Hornets latest win that allowed them to take over first place from the San Antonio Spurs. "When our city was flooded with the suck of Reggie Bush, I was worried we would never be able to rebuild. I remember rowing a boat through the suck, seeing people on their roofs trying to not let the suck touch them. I, like you, watched all the commercials mocking us, pretending Reggie Bush was a good player. But we persevered, we survived the storm, and now the Hornets are going to carry this city on a magical run to the conference championship, where we will lose to an opponent that is a heavy underdog!"

The worst seat in the Superdome is not in the nosebleeds. It's in front of this guy, having to listen to him yell the same "Blow Me!" joke throughout the entire game.

(Dale Zanine/US PRESSWIRE)

SportsComedian.com

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
• John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
• Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
  
• Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
• The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
• I picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
• Is there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience likes.
• I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
• Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
  
• That commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
• Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
• The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
  
• Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• While McNabb may be up and down with his on-the-field play during his career, at least he remains healthy every season.
• Carson Palmer is going to go crazy this week in Arizona, and has vowed to throw 4 TD passes, but he did not specify to which team.
• The Miami Dolphins humiliation tour will end with a stop in Philadelphia. There is no way they can lose to ex-Dolphin bust A.J. Feeley. They've already fallen to former busts Daunte Culpepper and Sage Rosenfels. If they can somehow add a game with Chicago, they can complete the gauntlet by losing one the Brian Griese as well.
• I wish I had a job where I drew on a whiteboard all day, illustrating shipping procedures like that guy on the UPS commercials. He doesn't have a care in the world obviously, as he has grown a mullet the size of which hasn't been seen North of Georgia. That's not just a mullet, that's a mullet with UPS.
• Sometimes a wide receiver throws a pass on a trick play, sometimes it happens twice in a game, but hardly ever do their 2 passes look better than every complete game thrown by your starters the entire season. Vikings, please tell me your QB coach is not making more than $5 dollars per week.
• NBC Execs- "We have chosen the one game that will be kept close against New England for the rest of the season! Glad we moved the game to tonight, these will be some great ratings!"
• Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are about done in their careers. There isn't too much left in the tank.
• The secret behind that Verizon Wireless commercial where the dad with way too gray hair tells everyone in his family they are his number one while being a general #### and wearing a sweater vest: That crowd outside his house is not his "network", they are lynching mob who've assembled to kill him for being annoying beyond description.
• When you can lose your first 8 games and still have a shot at winning the division or you can be the Denver Broncos and be in first place, you aren't playing in real divisions. Can we separate the west from the rest of the United States so they can have their own league of crappiness?
• Reasons I'm picking Detroit and New Orleans to go far in the post-season: they can really put some points on the board.
• In case anyone hasn't heard, and if so where have you been, under a rock or something? The McRib is back! Despite McDonald's announcing last year they were having a farewell tour for the sandwich and it will never return, it is here once again. I, of course, was camped outside a McDonald's the night before waiting for it to open so I could get the first one. I then learned the McDonald's was open 24-hours. Damn it. So where has the McRib been all this time? Maybe visiting Germany, the one place where it is sold year round, which means Germany is the closest approximation to Heaven on earth.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Uh oh, the San Diego defense on my fantasy team is going up against that fearsome Colts offense. They never turn the ball over.
• Brooks Bollinger will pass for more than 8 yards in the first half against Green Bay.
• The key to the New Orleans resurgence has been that defense, they are just good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• After years of seeing Wendy as only an idealized red-headed girl on the Wendy's logo, the truth has finally been revealed. She is actually a riot-inciting crossdresser who lives in a dream world where people chop down trees with their feet and jump into holes.
• Philadelphia just always seems to run out of steam in the 4th quarter, look for them to be burried on Veteran's Day by the team from our nation's capital.
• The thing that impresses me most about the Raiders is that they can plug any QB into that system and they can succeed. Look for a lot of points Sunday.
• I've seen a person with dreadlocks maybe 2 times in all my real life. I see at least 5 people with dreadlocks on the football field at all times. Someone should investigate this.
• I just got my ticket for the Detroit Lions bandwagon! Wahoo! Nothing is gonna slow this thing down now! Wait a minute, is that a cardinal in the middle of the road to the Super Bowl? Surely that won't derail this Detroit Express.
• For fans of the greatest comedy show on TV right now, the 2007 Miami Dolphins, they will not be disappointed and have to watch an actual close football game.
• I think we can all agree the best thing about NFL broadcasts is the TD-Commercial Break-Kickoff Return-Immediate Second Commercial Break sequence. Nothing gets you into the game after a score like a 10 second interlude of football between commercials.
• Some fool in my fantasy league traded me Adrian Peterson for that washed up old Donovan McNabb?! The title is mine!
• There is no way the Cowboys can beat the Giants when they are wearing their ridiculous all-red jerseys.
• If there is one thing we can all be thankful for during this WGA writer's strike, it's that it finally stopped The Big #### Theory, and their horrible promos from existing. Let's hope this thing goes on for awhile. I think sacrificing every show and movie forever might be worth it to stop this horrible sitcom.

A fledgling sports marketer filed a lawsuit Tuesday against former Southern California running back Reggie Bush and his parents that seeks to recoup nearly $300,000 in cash and gifts they allegedly accepted during Bush's sophomore and junior seasons. The suit, filed in Superior Court, claims Bush and his family received $291,600 in cash, living arrangements and other benefits from Lloyd Lake between November 2004 and January 2006.

Lake and partner Michael Michaels have said they provided money to Bush's family as well as a home for which his family had failed to pay more than $50,000 in rent. The conflict was made public after Bush, now a New Orleans Saints running back, signed with another sports agent.

At first, I was on the side against Bush with this story, but then I took a closer look and saw the people suing him were named Llyod Lake and Michael Michaels. If your hippy parents name you the same name twice you have an obligation to change it as an adult. I'm also looking at you Cam "Cameron" Cameron, your team is being punished for your silly name, even in Britain.

SportsComedian.com

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The high-octane, fast paced, non-sloppy version of football we play here in America will capture the attention of Europe after this exhibition game. We don't kick balls here, we throw them long into the endzone! (Actual Offensive Tally Sunday: 3 FGs, 2 PATs, 1 Passing TD)
• The Patriots finally come up against a good passing defense this week. Look for trips to the endzone to be scarce for New England.
• If you trust you take financial investing advice from cartoon people, then you should put your money with Charles Shwab. Apparently they all do.
• Once the Jets make the change to Kellen Clemens they will benefit immensely from his accuracy and mistake-free play.
• Why is nobody starting Brooks Bollinger? His name is Brooks Bollinger!
• After years of Subway serving subs with so little meat even vegetarians will eat them, of using veggies that taste like wet pieces of slime, of serving "fresh-baked" bread that makes you long for Wonder brand. Subway is now giving soup the same wonderful treatment. Stop in today!
• The Bengals don't suck!(My most inaccurate day-too-late prediction of all time)
• Now that Trent Edwards is solidified as the Buffalo starter, they can finally get some consistency at the QB position.
• The Dolphins were dumb to trade Daunte Culpepper, he will continue to light it up for Oakland and put all kinds of points on the board.
• The Geico Gecko's accent keeps getting progressively more British. Pretty soon their commercials will sound like "When you're done snogging in your car, be sure to check the bonnet and see if your cherry could use some more petrol. My! I'm feeling a wee bit knackered, I better hit the loo before I get all mingered. Oh yes, also save some quid with Geico."
• I finally unloaded Drew Brees on some unsuspecting sap in my fantasy league! I got Matt Schaub in return! How do you spell Victory?
• With McNabb sucking up the field, it's going to be Brian Westbrook's high yards per carry that will lead the Eagles to a win this week.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The Patriots have looked amazing so far this season, but they always struggle against Miami. That defense is just too good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• I'm gonna be glued to my TV for the offensive battle of the week: Raiders-Chiefs. These offenses are so explosive, the entire bay area might be blown off the map.
• It would be great if Kid Nation really featured kids trying to make their own society, instead of CBS telling them what to do. They would kill each other over cookies, the largest kid would become a quasi-dictator who would give an extreme wedgie to anyone who challenged him, and the boys and girls would splinter off and war over a disease ravaging the town, a disease known as cooties.
• Damn it, I need a bye-week kicker for my fantasy team. Who's available? Rob Bironas? Who the hell is that? I'll take Olindo Mare instead, that Saints offense is great.
• The Byron Leftwich era will last a long long time in Atlanta.
• Tampa Bay has won so far because of the mistake-free play of Jeff Garcia. Look for them to take down Detroit in a similar fashion.
• 
• In a secret lab owned by Sprint, somewhere deep below the surface, Peyton Manning is forced to wear a suit and keep his hand over a yellow egg floating in bioluminescent goo. This has something to do with football and trivia, but we have yet to find out what.
  
• Rudi Johnson is out for Cincinnati? They are finished.
• Tavares Jackson may not be a great quarterback at this time in his career, but at least he's accurate.
• Is there any prison built that can hold in two bald identical-looking male models? Apparently not, somehow Prison Break has been on for 3 seasons now.