The Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up to expectations."

Many around the country consider this an anti-climactic end to their season that culminated in an exciting race with the Mets for the wild card. But, those in Wisconsin say it was an adequate conclusion. "We knew how long they have been working to put together this team of slightly better than mediocre talent," said longtime fan Ben Williams. "And we know that they aren't going to be able to afford this massive $60 million payroll. We are almost up to 1/4 of the Yankees! This was a one year shot to make sort of impressive run, and we sure did just that. Now, it's time to blow it up and start building it again for the next quarter century. Man, I love baseball."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the TSC Keys To Victory:

• Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire than that, they have one of the ####est looking mascots in all of sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Los Angeles Dodgers: They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the beast, and be able to take home a World Series.
  
  
  
• Chicago Cubs: The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off your shoulders.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Milwaukee Brewers: They have always been one of the most professional and respected organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog, bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values. There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Bud Selig announced today that he was bringing an NFL replay system to MLB as early as the end of this month. The system has proved successful in the NFL over the past decade or so, and baseball fans and players have been clamoring for it over the past few seasons. The system will allow umpires to put a replay on the stadium screen of an NFL game, should the baseball on the field become too boring for the fans in attendance.

"There have been a lot of events this year that have made people stand up and say we want replay like the NFL has," said Selig at a news conference talking about the new technology. "We had a game go 23 innings back in March! Who can sit through that?! We've had a couple no-hitters, also very boring for the fans. This system will allow fans something fun to watch if the baseball gets too much to take. Say the catcher is going out to talk to the pitcher for the 12th time that inning. We just put some NFL action up on the jumbotron and everyone can still be entertained."

The system is already making strides to fix some of the blown calls that happen during games. During a Twins-Cardinals matchup, in which the system was being tested, there was a disputed Twins homerun that sent manager Ron Gardenhire out to argue with officials. The umps then called upon the replay system that showed the ending of an intense Colts-Patriots game. Gardenhire then realized that it wasn't worth arguing about, as it was only boring old baseball, and if he delays too long he'll miss the Vikings training camp coverage on ESPN tonight.

So far the NFL replay system is working out great to help fix occasional boredom and blown calls all over the country. During a Washington Nationals game, however, the NFL replays will be shown during the entire game. News of this has led to a 16% increase in ticket sales.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Many a young boy from Houston, Texas have dreamed about one day being in the big leagues. Being able to don the uniform of the Houston Astros, and be a part of their historic franchise. Being one of the few people close enough to be able to choke out the horrible general manager of the struggling 'Stros and get a measure of revenge for having to watch this team over the course of the last 2 years.

On Wednesday, pitcher Shawn Chacon got to live that dream when he tackled GM Ed Wade by the neck and threw him to the ground. Teammates and club officials cheered Chacon as he went to town on the neck of the scrawny executive. Reporters called it "the most fight I've seen out of anyone on this club in a long long time". Manager Cecil Cooper held his hand out and gave Chacon a thumbs down like the gladiators of Rome. Lance Berkman shouted "Finish Him". But before Chacon could unleash his finishing move, where he pulls out Wade's spine, he was pulled off by security.

Speaking to reporters after the game, Chacon talked about what it was like to get the opportunity of a lifetime. "This is just every kid's dream, bottom of the night, 2 lights out in a dim hallway, and you alone with the man responsible for putting together this pitching staff. I just tried to keep my excitement in-check as I viciously attacked him, but I was almost giddy with laughter. I remember playing in my dad's barn and pretending a scarecrow was Ed Wade's neck. I used to practice choking him out 4 or 5 times a day. And now I get the chance to come out here and get paid for choking him. I'm truly blessed, and I want to thank the Astros for this opportunity."

Shawn's triumphant story has inspired members of the community to make changes in their lives. One boy decided to go back to high school, which he had dropped out of several years before. An elderly man decided to start talking again to his brother, with whom he had not spoken to in 18 years. And a stock broker decided to finally choke out his wife, based on Chacon's thrilling performance. It was an exciting night for anyone who dreams of greatness.

SportsComedian.com

Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 600th home run last night in a game against the Florida Marlins last night in a game the Cincinnati Reds won 9-3. But it wasn't all smiles in the Cincinnati box as ownership realized that fans coming out to every game in hopes of seeing him hit the historic home run would now be gone. They will now be forced to rely on their actual fans for attendance. "Thanks to this #### Griffey we are now entering one of the darkest eras for this franchise," said team president Robert Castellini. "There was one reason, and one reason only people were coming out to see our awful team, and that was the hope of seeing him hit this ball. Now, because he's such a selfish arrogant jerk he has ended our hopes of having anyone come out to see us."

There was hope Griffey could keep the home run suspense up all season, as he had only hit 2 homers in the past 45 days. But that hope was dashed Monday when he sent a 3-1 pitch over the wall off of Mark Hendrickson. His teammates were also feeling slighted by the act. "How dare he," said rookie Jay Bruce. "Who does he think he is destroying our season like that? We had one thing to look forward to this year, and that was it. Now we just go back to playing baseball in front of an empty stadium? People in Cincinnati barely remember the team is here, most think it was contracted back in the 90's. My mom would be ashamed if she knew I played for this team, so I just tell her I have a job she can be proud of, like crack dealer." Indeed, most people do not even know the Cincinnati Reds are still a team. Many believe The Great American Ballpark is a giant baseball theme restaurant.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Dodgers pitcher Hiroki Kuroda was seen flirting with a no-hitter for several hours on Sunday as Los Angeles took on the Houston Astros. It started in the first inning, when Kuroda struck out two of three and saw the No-Hitter sitting in a box seat by the home dugout. He gave her a tip of his cap, and a little wink. Things got a little more intimate during the third inning, after getting a couple groundouts, when he went over and bought the No-Hitter a drink. They chatted it up for a few minutes while his team built a decent 4-0 advantage over Houston.

As the game entered the 5th inning, and he was still getting play from the No-Hitter, his teammates began to get quiet around him. "Well, you just don't want to talk to a guy who is getting that close to a No-Hitter," said catcher Russell Martin. "We all know how hard it is to get with her, and trust me we have all tried. I've seen so many guys think they are on the doorstep of scoring with her, and then bam, you get knocked around. But, he was quite a gentleman to her, I really thought he was going to have a shot at taking her home after the 9th inning."

But while he made a valiant attempt to score the lady who is known around the league as one of the toughest catches, some major drama unfolded late in the game. After Kuroda took the No-Hitter into the 7th inning, on a nice dinner date, her husband burst onto the field and was enraged to find Kuroda after his wife. Complete Game, husband of no-hitter for the past few decades, was furious at his wife for even considering stepping out on him and dragged her out of the stadium. Needless to say, the Astros proceded to unload on the shocked Kuroda for an 8-5 win.

Despite the fact that Complete Game has been romantically linked to several players this season including Brandon Webb, and several encounters with Roy Halladay, he was still upset at his wife. "No one goes behind my back and after my woman," said Complete Game in an interview with Bob Costas. "And if they try that, my buddies Bat Around The Order and Blown Save are going to rough them up. You saw what we've they've to Eric Gagne recently, and that's just because I heard he once thought about going after my lady."

But in talking to No-Hitter, it's unknown what the future holds for her and Hiroki. "I might like to hang out with him again, he's cute," she said. "I don't know if I'll go all the way with him, as he can't really get strikeouts consistently. But maybe we can flirt again for a few innings. We'll see how it goes. Next time, I'll make sure my husband is out of town with another pitcher."

SportsComedian.com

Discuss this article in the Forum!

The sordid details of Roger Clemens personal life continue to trickle out of the woodwork as the former favorite baseball son is dragged through the mud by newspapers and other media. First it was the Mitchell Report, then the McNamee lawsuit, and now the Mindy McCready story. It seems as if the star pitcher can not get anything by the people on his tail. We attempt to round up all the latest allegations that have emerged this week you may not have heard about in our Clemens Scandal Recap:

• Affair With Fetus- It was reported by Extra last night that Clemens had a 9-month relationship with a fetus back in the early 80's. Roger denies that there was anything sexual about the relationship, as that would be logistically impossible. He says he and the fetus used to just hang out and watch movies, sometimes they would talk through a sonogram machine, but they were just friends. The fetus, now the son of Clemens, says that he can not dispute any of the allegations in the report. His wife claims to have no knowledge of the affair. "It was happening literally right under my nose, and I can't believe it."
• Magic Muscle Growth Potion: It has shown up on several blogs that a childhood friend of Clemens once went halfsies with him on some Magic Muscle Growth Potion from the back of a comic book, along with a pair of x-ray glasses. The potion promised to give you "Super Muscles Strong" by putting a drop per day on your biceps. No doubt this is where Clemens first discovered doping.
• Clemens Adds "Misremember" Wikipedia Entry: An IP address that has been linked to Clemens shows that over the past several months he has been maintaining an entry on wikipedia for the word "Misremember". He has ofted cited the site as a source when doing interviews as proof that the word is real. The entry states the word means "a statement showing that Brian McNamee is a #### #### liar pants." His account has also been linked to changes to several Lord Of The Rings entries to correct continuity changes between the books and films.
• Was At Canseco's 4th Grade Birthday Party: Jose Canseco alledges in his new book that Clemens attended his 4th grade birthday party, held at a Chucky Cheese in Houston, Texas. Canseco states that at the party, he discussed anabolic steroids in great detail with Clemens, and also which teachers at school had the nicest boobies. It's unknown at this time if Clemens had a piece of the chocolate/steroids ice cream cake, Canseco's favorite flavor.
  

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Really Roger Clemens? This is the best you could do as a young all-star pitcher? That open face wound is a little hot, but that's all the points I'm going to give ya.

SportsComedian.com

The entire Milwaukee Brewers team and management was seen outside the Fenway Park ticket window this morning waiting in line. But unlike the fans in attendance they were not there to buy tickets, but to try and return Eric Gagne. The closer, whom they acquired from the Red Sox over the summer, gave up 3 runs in the bottom of the ninth inning and looked like he lacked control at times.

"What we want is simple," said GM Doug Melvin. "We want the Red Sox to give us a refund for this obviously defective Eric Gagne we purchased from them only a few months ago. We have the receipt here, and I've put him back in his original packaging. He complained a little about the packing peanuts making it hard for him to breath, but I just told him to shut up and take the smothering like a man. It's obviously a problem with their product, and I'm surprised the Red Sox haven't issued a recall on him yet when they realized he is just not a good pitcher."

But the Red Sox were not taking back their 8th inning headache of last year so easily. "It clearly states on the receipt that DVDs, food items, and Gagnes can not be returned to Fenway Park after they have been opened. He is obviously open, as we all watched him pitch yesterday. If the Brewers really want a refund, they are going to have to file a warranty claim with the original manufacturers, his parents."

Even Gagne's parents say the warranty period for Eric Gagne has already passed. "We tricked the Dodgers into making him their closer all those year ago, knowing full well he would not hold up to the rigors of major league baseball. Sure enough he broke down, but not before he was able to make many millions of dollars and send it back to us. There is only a 5-year manufacturer warranty on this model of Gagne, but if they would like we can give them a discount on a new one. Simply pay us half his 2008 salary, and give us a motel room, or hell even a bathroom stall, and we'll have another one ready for you in 18 years of so."

The Brewers say they will not take this struggle lying down, and may file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.

The Sports Comedian
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Pittsburgh Pirates fans are already upset with their team following their season opening win over the Atlanta Braves. Xavier Nady hit a 3-run homer in the 12th inning that put the Pirates ahead for good in what was a very exciting game the whole way through. But Pirates fans were upset they had to actually watch 3 extra innings of Pirates baseball. "I know some people like watching baseball," said longtime Pittsburgh fan Dave McBride. "But those people aren't fans of the Pirates. It's excruciating, they are just so awful. We've suffered through decades of losing, I just don't know if I can take many more of these extra inning games. I was hoping to switch over to the Phillies game so I could watch a real team for a little while, but I couldn't even do that."

Other fans were very mad they could not watch other programming after the game. "These #### Pirates made me miss Dancing With The Stars," said Monica Bankes. "I wanted to know if the soap opera star nobody has ever heard of gets beaten by that guy who was in Police Academy and Short Circuit. Even when the Pirates win they screw everything up. Luckily that won't be happening much this season."

The Sports Comedian
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Fans of the Baltimore Orioles are celebrating today as their team leads the AL East for the third consecutive month. Baltimore, which has been an afterthought in the AL East for the past few seasons, turned it all around back in November when the standings were reset following division foe Boston's World Series victory. Since then they have held the tie-breaker and been atop the rankings, despite no games being played, because of their name being alphabetically better than the rest of the division.

American League East

TeamWLPct.GBBaltimore00.000-Boston00.000
-N.Y. Yankees00.000-Tampa Bay00.000-Toronto00.000-

"We are extremely proud of this team, and all it has accomplished over the past few months," said die-hard Orioles fan Gary Halbert. "Trading off our best hitter in Miguel Tejada, reducing payroll, getting a new manager with very little experience. This has been a great series of events, and I'm amazed we've been able to stay on top."

The success of the lower payroll Orioles over the Yankees and Red Sox has sent a message to other teams of the recipe for beating these titans. "We're thinking about changing the name of our city to Aaampa Bay," said Tampa Bay mayor Rich Gutierrez. "We feel this could really make us competitive in the offseason, when normally Baltimore dominates."

Controversy has arisen in Toronto, which is consistently at the bottom of the leaderboards during both the regular and offseason. They have actually passed a bill changing it's name to "!Toronto". Alpabeticists are unsure if this punctuation mark places them on the top or bottom of the standings. "We want a championship in !Toronto," said a member of their city council. "If you type our new name into a computer, it ranks it first. Therefore, we will emerge triumphant over the rest of the AL East."

"I'm going tonight to Camden Yards to watch the Orioles not play tonight," added Halbert. "It's gonna be a very tough non-game. With all the name changes going on, we're going to need to play well to have a chance to stay on top."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

After an intense day of congressional hearings aired live on ESPN News about the steroids trial, many sports fans are now switching over to C-SPAN full time. "Sports just can't cut it anymore," said Gary Yup, a frequent ESPN viewer from Atlanta. "The show that was on yesterday was simply awesome. When they all read their prepared speeches for two hours, in hopes of getting face time with the voters, I was on the edge of my seat. I knew it was about to get thrown down. When Senator Bob Perkins cited the Bardoza Postulate as a prime model for all athletics testing, I jumped out of my chair and yelled "Dat's what I'm talkin' bout! It was a great game of House Oversight Committee. I can't wait to see who they play next, I hope it's Senate Ways & Means. That team needs to go down hard."

Since so many people are now watching C-SPAN, they have had to expand their offering from merely C-SPAN 1 & 2. They now offer C-SPAN Deportes, focusing on Mexican city council meetings, C-SPAN U, with college political clubs, and C-SPAN Classic, where you can relive all your favorite congressional meetings from the past. C-SPAN: The Magazine is also seeing an increase in readership that has prompted them to release a special swimsuit edition featuring supermodel Giselle posing in a thong on an oval office desk and spreads all the hottest female Senators.

Even their formerly failing expansion The C-SPAN Zone, a full-service restaurant and bar in Times Square, is now seeing increased visitors. They feature dishes such as Senator Frank Charleston's Rockin' Roast Beef and Baby Back Ribs Of Habeus Corpus. Super Bowl ratings are likely to suffer mightily this year if C-SPAN airs something good like a vote on campaign finance reform at the same time.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The Mitchell Report, an in-depth investigation into baseball's steroids problem, has finally come out and with it the names of those who have taken illegal substances over the years. Most of the major names you have suspected are in there; Bonds, Canseco, Segui. But some are rather surprising reveals such as 177-pound David Eckstein, action star Sylvester Stallone, Bud Selig himself, John F. Kennedy, and even you.

"I don't know what has happened here," said a confused David Eckstein, from the wheelchair he is confined to during the offseason due to being too weak to support his own weight. "I've averaged 2 homers per year. I can barely hit the ball out of the infield. These accusations are ridiculous. If I've taken steroids they must've been the most ineffective ones in history."

The most confusing addition to the list is you, who has never played pro ball, only watched it on TV. It is unknown who outed you, or what Mitchell will do to you. But it's advised that you flee the U.S. to an undeveloped South American country as soon as possible. You were unavailable to be reached for comment.

Below is a transcript from a press conference held by Senator George Mitchell, the man behind the report:

"What we wanted to do was get everyone associated with baseball. This is quite possibly the most in-depth investigation of all time, and our list reflects that in an attempt to completely stop steroids." -Mitchell

"But sir, why is Sly Stallone on the list, he has never even played baseball." -Reporter

"Sure he did, in that movie where the wacky, offbeat, underdog team conquers adversity and learns to play together to beat the bigger meaner team at the end in a close game that comes down to the last play." -Mitchell

"Major League?" -Reporter

"Yeah, that's the one!" -Mitchell

"I think that's the black guy from the show '24' actually." -Reporter

"You're asking a lot of questions. You sound like you might be a communist...I mean steroids abuser too. Bud Selig questioned my list when I first gave it to him, and it just so turns out that he has been injecting himself with HGH to improve his power numbers at the winter meetings. You don't want to share the same fate, do you?" -Mitchell

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The Minnesota Twins continue their pursuit of an outfielder to replace Torii Hunter in center field. They were considered one of the front-runners for Japanese Star Kosuke Fukudome, the top import prospect this year, in the mold of stars such as Hideki Matsui and Ichiro Suzuki.

But the Twins have announced they are pulling out of the running for Kosuke after receiving a personal note from the player. "I don't understand what happened," said Fukudome's agent. "I thought it would be nice if we sent hand-written letters to every team that was interested in him explaining how honored he was to play for their organization. There should be no reason why the Twins are reacting in this way."

"We just want to say how offended we were at the note we got from him," said Twins General Manager Cameron James. "First of all, it was written in Japanese. We are not from Japan. We don't operate a sushi restaurant. We need all our star players to speak American language. Where would we be if, say, our star pitcher was from somewhere like Venezuela? The fans would riot. We know he's from this Japan place, but he could at least pretend to help us save face with our fanbase."

"But the most insulting part of the note was what he wrote at the bottom.'Fukudome'. This is ludicrous! We here in Minneapolis are very proud of our dome and it's heritage to both the community and the Twins organization. To throw an insult such as this at us is reprehensible! In fact, #### his dome. #### him right in the dome with a samurai sword or whatever it is they use as bats over there. He wants to play for our team? He probably has a small..."

At that point Cameron James was removed from the podium by his son Mark, who then addressed the crowd. "I'm sorry for that everybody, my father is what we would like to call a blatant ignorant racist. He's in counseling for this, but sometimes he still goes off the deep end. But, sadly, because of this misunderstanding we will not be going after Mr. Fukudome."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The Philadelphia Phillies became the first team to make a big move at the general managers' meetings, acquiring closer Brad Lidge from Houston along with infielder Eric Bruntlett on Wednesday night. The Astros received speedy outfielder Michael Bourn, right-hander Geoff Geary and minor league third baseman Mike Costanzo.

The Phillies assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr. welcomed Lidge with open arms. "We are very happy to welcome in someone to round out our bullpen who is as unreliable and disappointing as the rest of our team. Only 70% of save chances converted last year, a 5.28 ERA the year before. We think he's going to be a perfect fit."

Philadelphia is trying to recover in an offseason after making the playoffs for the first time in over a decade. "We let our fans down this past season. The Phillies are supposed to lose, that's just what we do. This year people at work in Philadelphia couldn't talk about how bad their team was with each other. Fathers couldn't tell their sons, hey, you may not have had a good game of T-ball today, but at least you're not as bad as those Phillies. We feel Brad Lidge will be our best chance to return to the Philly tradition of futility."

SportsComedian.com