The New York Yankees continued their interleague dominance yesterday with a resounding 23-0 win over the visiting Chicago Bears. The Bears looked confused at times during the contest, with Rex Grossman giving up 8 runs in the first inning and was pulled after the second. "Well, I'm still confident that I'll eventually find some type of ball I can throw well, but it obviously isn't a baseball or football," said Grossman after the contest. "I can really gun a soccer ball well, but apparently that isn't even allowed in that sport. It's a shame."

328-pound Bears shortstop/guard Terrence Metcalf made 4 errors in the game and showed very limited range when pivoting to turn the double play. There was talk after the game of sending him back down to the minors to trim off a few hundred pounds. "Look, I'm not even sure of the rules of this damn game," said Metcalf. "These little guys get to run around in front of me, and they yelled at me the one time I tried to tackle one of them who was rounding second. We also have got to wear these #### long pants with stripes. I hate this sport."

Bears GM Jerry Angelo took time after the game to criticize interleague play, and told MLB to move into the 21st century. The 8th inning was especially lengthy after Brian Urlacher caught a hard hit ball to first, yelled out "Interception!", and then ran around the field with it trying to find the Yankees endzone. Umpires and Yankee players chased him around for 20 minutes trying to explain the situation.

New York has been on a big rebound from their early season struggles since interleague play began, having swept the Red Wings and Grizzlies as well. The Grizzlies series was especially surprising, as it was played at Memphis' home court and home sport. But, it looks like anyone can beat the Grizzlies at this point.

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Don Imus is surprisingly still alive and talking on the radio. After being fired last year for calling the Rutgers womens basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hoes", Imus found his way back on the air at a different station. Yesterday controversy surrounded him again over comments he made over Pacman Jones, now of the Dallas Cowboys. Imus, being a 90-year-old who spends most of his time sleeping in a sarcophagus, was unsure who Pacman was. He asked his staff "What color is this guy?" and followed it up with "Isn't he that squinty-eyed yellow guy with the big head who was popular in the 80's for popping pills all the time?" His sidekick chimed in noting that Pacman helped to lay the railroad tracks for modern day videogames.

The comments have angered Asians, who feel the sentiments were highly racist. "We are very unhappy with Mr. Imus using such horrible stereotypes," said Takagi Nguyen of the Asian Defamation League. "To confuse us with someone who was obviously a drug addict who saw crazy things such as ghosts chasing him is very insulting. Also to bring up our railroad building past is just deplorable. Mister Pacman's race is unknown, and the developers say he may just be a floating disembodied head."

Imus has gotten into a controversy before involving Donkey Kong, who he called a "Dark-skinned #### who works in a shipping factory, likes to get drunk, abduct white women, and then throw thousands of dollars worth of merchandise down ramps." He was also critical of the head chef from 80's restaurant Burger Time who Imus claimed had horrible cleanliness standards, including serving burgers off of a complicated system of ladders.

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Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, has long been a fan favorite for his creative touchdown celebrations and zany sideline antics. But since the end of the 2007 season, fans and teammates have been noticing a change in Johnson for the worse. It was revealed this morning by a group of doctors in the Ohio area that the cause was that Johnson was growing into giant ####. "Well, Chad came to us last week for his annual physical," said Dr. Poling. "He complained of being unable to stop acting like a #### to reporters, telling his team's fans their franchise sucked, and taking giant shits. After a few tests we were able to confirm our su####ions, that he was indeed turning into a great big ####."

Doctors went into emergency surgery with Johnson to help reverse the growing #### on him, and get it back to a more manageable size. "Well, I've always had quite the ####," said Johnson in his first interview since the operation. "But it's never been quite so big. When you just have a little ####, it can be cute or even endearing to people. But when it gets to big, that's when people start getting annoyed and you start smelling like #### I'd like to appologize to everyone I've offended over the past few months demanding a trade and insulting fans and reporters alike. That wasn't the real me, that was my #### talking."

The recovery time from #### surgery should be short. Johnson will begin a rehabilitation program of being put into a room with some teammates and will have to try not insulting them. The time will first be short, maybe only a minute or two, as even a normal person would have trouble not insulting the ability of this Bengals team. But eventually, once he can make it for an hour or so with them, he will be cleared to return to the field. "I'm just glad they caught this thing before it got out of hand. Being a black man I've always been a big ####, I just didn't want to be a big #### as well. Thanks to everyone for helping me get through this."

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Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating. But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an "awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to wake someone up like that."

Police tried to explain to Walker they were worried about his safety after discovering him face down with bruises all over his body. "Look, maybe I got robbed and beaten into unconsciousness. But it's Vegas baby, they have agiant pyramid right next to a pirate ship here. Crazy things happen, and they gave me some soiled pants to use as a pillow. It was actually quite comfortable. The cops in this city need to learn to mind their own business. Now if you all will excuse me, I'm going to take a little nap partly because I want to find the Princess again, and partly because of blood loss. Goodnight everyone." At this point Walker fell face-first into the ground and the reporters slowed shuffled out of the room, trying their hardest not to wake him up.

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An Illinois federal judge has ruled that the Chicago Bears are legally allowed to terminate the employment of Cedric Benson based on his drunk driving and boating charges. Benson had challenged the team's termination of his contract after two DUI arrests in a month's time. The judge also informed the Bears organization that they are allowed by law to feed him to actual bears in front of the public. Apparently it's a law put on the books by the founders of Illinois who heard about a similar law that originated from the ancient Roman Empire. It stated that any gladiators who were convicted of multiple driving a chariot while under the influence of wine, or 2 DACWHUTIOW's, could be fed to bears, lions, or other vicious animals at the Emperor's choosing in a public forum.

The Chicago Bears organization have announced the ceremony will take place this Saturday at the Chicago Zoo where they will lower Benson into the black bear pit at noon eastern time. He will be basted in a combination of sheep's blood and barbeque sauce before the feeding, and his remains may or may not be cooked and served for lunch depending on how much of him is left afterwards. Animal rights groups are protesting the event, claiming the feeding will no doubt lead to intoxication of the animals due to the usually high blood-alcohol content of Benson.

But most local residents are excited about the opportunity to watch someone, whom they have all hated over the past three seasons for being such a huge bust, be eaten alive by bears. "It's gonna be quite an event," said local Gabe Byrd. "I'm bringing my 2-year-old son to the feeding. It's going to be his first time watching a man get mauled to death by an animal. Wow, I still remember my first time, it's something I consider special to this very day. I made my whole family "I Saw The Bear Eat Benson" t-shirts that we can wear to the event. It's gonna be very cool, and they even said we may get to eat a cooked piece of him afterwards. I hope I can get a piece of his 3.6 yard per carry legs, they sure couldn't do much powering past the line, so I bet that meat is real tender."

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The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood. "They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen."

The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks. They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a longtime Detroit resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we all can't get along."

A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured, this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That was where a pack of wild indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown, resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although the city did smell horrible for several weeks.

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The Dolphins have announced that the competition for their starting quarterback spot in the upcoming season will now be an open contest between anyone in the organization. Originally thought to be a two man race between John Beck, Josh McCown, and Chad Henne, new coach Tony Sparano says he doesn't want to limit it to just them. Beck especially is said to be very upset about the news, "This is completely unfair! How am I supposed to beat out all the great players we have in this organization? I saw our kicker throwing a ball around before practice, and he could toss it almost 20 yards! How can I compete with that? I also heard some people say the training facility janitor throws a mean roll of toilet paper. I'm so screwed. It says quarterback next to my name on the depth chart, that should be enough."

Sparano has released his preliminary depth chart for the quarterback position based on OTAs, and it is 100 spots deep. Henne was the only quarterback who managed to crack it. "I feel honored," said Henne. "To be among the 81st best quarterback in this entire organization is really saying something. We have some real athletic fry cooks who work in the stadium, I'm not ashamed to admit they are a little better than me." If the season began today, the starting quarterback for the Dolphins would be Frank, one of the 4 men who share duties in the cartoon dolphin mascot costume. Skyy, a cheerleader, and Manuel, one of the Spanish groundskeepers, round out the top 3 on the depth chart.

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Even Bill Belichick agrees that these are the ugliest and most un-revealing uniforms in the history of cheerleading. The Celtics did not deserve to win this game.

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The Atlanta Falcons have awarded Matt Ryan the largest rookie contract in the history of the NFL. The Boston College quarterback, chosen 3rd by Atlanta, will receive close to $1 billion dollars over the next 60 years as well as be named King Lord God Fuhrer of the state of Georgia. "I just don't know how to thank everyone involved in these negotiations. I'm really excited about being the franchise quarterback of the Falcons for the next half century, and I guess I just have one heck of an agent."

Pundits are quick to point out much of Ryan's billion is back-loaded into the last few years of the contract. "It really seems like a lot at this point," said ESPN's Mark Clayton. "But you have to remember that much of this money won't be paid until around the 2064 season when he's 80 years old. It's going to be hard to believe the Falcons won't cut him before then due to the salary cap restrictions, especially when the game shifts from real to just televised 3D Virtual Reality Madden 2064. You know how old people hate video games."

It is believed to be the largest award of land to a football player, topping the previous awarding of the Northwest Territories to CFL player John Avery. Despite being larger geographically than Georgia, the land is in Canada and thus worthless. The population of Georgia is actually happy about Ryan becoming the new fascist head of state. "It can't be much worse than George Bush, that's for sure," said one resident. But there could be opposition to his reign, as his first order to build a giant coliseum where mighty dogs can wage battle against each other, was struck down by the state senate. Ryan does not understand why, but says if they oppose him again they will be thrown into the newly erected dungeon.

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New England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year. "Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots. "There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the #### Heart, which is the magical giant heart fueled by Boston residents constant gloating about their sports teams, broke down. It supplies all our electricity, you see, and it just went out. Only by believing our team was possible of humiliating weaker opponents next year, and clapping our hands really fast, could we bring it back to life."

Mike Wise, a man who has 11 Patriots tattoos on his body, including a regrettable portrait of Drew Bledsoe, says he took the news harder than most. "Well, you know, I was very upset in the beginning. I went home and killed my family, who I long thought didn't love the Patriots enough. Then I burnt down my entire house, because it was obviously unlucky. But then I realized there's always next year, and our coach will always keep us in the games with his innovative cheating. Plus, now I can get a much younger girlfriend who is impressed by my $60,000 a year construction job and the fact I have my own truck. So, it's a win-win all around."

Other residents shared Mike's sentiment. "I'm just ready to move on, it happened so long ago now," said Bud Wilson, a teacher at Benson High School in southern Boston. "I mean, the Patriots lost. They had a lot to fight for, but in the end England was stronger. Now I have to wear powdered wigs, drink Tab soda, and take a galleon to work. But I'm fine with it. I think I finally am getting my sealegs, and I'm getting used to putting half my yearly salary in cash into an envelope and mailing it to England. They won, I get it, and I'm ok with it finally."

Mike was then informed that the Patriots actually won the Revolutionary War, and was happy but confused.

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Reporters from the Boston Herald have formally retracted their February report about Matt Walsh taping the St. Louis Rams walkthrough in 2001 before their Super Bowl matchup with the New England Patriots. But in a town such as Boston, that alone was not enough. The 3 sports section reporters who collaborated on the story were blind-folded and abducted from their homes in the middle of the night by mindless #### clone soldiers, also known as Patriots fans. When the blindfolds were removed, they were in the middle of Boston Common on their knees, standing before the entire New England Patriots roster dressed in their full uniforms.

The team parted slowly as the Dark Lord Chancellor Bill Belichick made his way from behind them to stand before the 3 journalists. "You have betrayed the power of the dark side," Belichick told them. "As residents of Boston you must remain ever loyal to the dark powers that rule here. You can not question the Red Sox massive payroll which is only slightly less than that of the Yankees, you must continue to paint them as lovable scrappy underdogs. You can not question my prickishness when I choose to give Tony Dungy a running high five instead of stopping to shake his hand. You can not try to imply that Ray Allen is too #### to be considered a part of the Celtics Big Three, the Big Two sounds incredibly less cool."

"But Chancellor, we were not questioning the greatness of your team when we did the article, we just wanted to find out the truth about the taping," said the reporter who wrote the piece. Belichick raised his right hand and lightning surged out from it and electrocuted the man. The other reporters turned their heads away as he screamed and fell to the ground in a pile of smoking ash. Tedy Bruschi then released the chain from the neck of rabid placekicker Stephen Gostkowski, who ran and began devouring the remains of the man.

"This is what happens to those who oppose the Patriots, you get eaten by a 190-pound man from Mississippi," continued Belichick. "I hope the rest fo you have learned your lessons and will not oppose the power of the dark side again. If we are united, we will once again rule the NFL universe."

But then from out of nowhere, Tony Dungy and Yoda appeared from behind the crowd of fans and cut the reporters loose with their lightsabers. "Hurry! Get out of here! We'll hold them off!" yelled Dungy to the men, who began scrambling out of the park. A large CGI-rendered battle ensued, and we at TSC would like to tell you what happened, but no one really cared what happened because everyone looked like a cartoon character.

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The NFL has announced that no new information had been obtained from former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh following his interview with Roger Goodell over the weekend. The most scandalous part of the tapes shown before Goodell's news conference talking about the findings had nothing to do with stealing signals, it was several minutes of close-ups of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders performing during a 2002 game.

While the NFL says they have no more leads on where to investigate the Patriots alleged taping of the St. Louis Rams pre-Super Bowl walkthrough, they will be amping up an in-depth investigation of the cheerleaders. "Wow, just wow..." said Goodell. "I had no idea this kind of dancing was taking place on the sidelines of NFL games. I have spent many hours, alone, reviewing this footage and I must say that I am appalled...and having trouble holding anything in my right hand. If you catch my drift fellas..." He then took a sip from a brandy snifter. "God damn, that's good. Makes a man feel warm inside."

As he lit up a cigar and took a long puff he continued, "Look, the American people have been clamoring for a public investigation into the evidence on these tapes. I say we've shown them enough boring hand signals called into the sidelines by middle aged men. I say we need to have an investigation into these girls. Where do they shower after games, what scent of body wash do they use, and what exactly does it look like during this shower? Eh? Am I right fellas?" The male members of the press in attendance gave a few hoots and hollers, while 2 of the few female journalists walked out of the room. "There are just so many unanswered questions about this whole thing. "Do they lather each other or just rub themselves alone? I am shocked at all this, and just want to get to the bottom of it like the rest of you. I vow that I will not rest until we are watching these Charger girls bathing on national television, so we can make sure they aren't hiding anything anywhere on their bodies."

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When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

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Rex Grossman was arrested by police over the weeked for a Hovering Under The Influence charge while speeding on his self-made hovercraft on Lake Travis. The Bears quarterback apparently made the hovercraft in his spare time, instead of practicing as can be evidenced by his stats over the years. It is the first known HUI charge in Illinois, but could spur a crackdown on hovercraft drivers all over the country. Grossman was pulled over by Hover-Police at around 2:00 PM on Sunday, where he was asked to submit to a sobriety test. He refused and attempted to throw a wrench at one of the officers, but luckily overthrew him by a great margin.

"He was swerving all around the lake, going left and right, even up and down," said one of the policemen involved in the stop. "It was obvious he was inebriated, so we told him to hover it over to the side of the road. Once there we attempted to get him to walk in a straight line, but he kept falling over, almost like he does when he's getting some light pressure in the pocket. He then started yelling expletives at us, and we had to spray pepper spray in his eyes. Let me tell you that there was nothing I had wanted to do more than that after he got my hopes up in that Super Bowl two years ago. It just felt so good, and I may have emptied the entire bottle into his eyes, and then hit him with my baton a little bit. It wasn't my best moment as an officer, I will admit."

Grossman maintains he was merely testing the hover capabilites of his craft, and was high on nothing but life. "When you're as awesome as Rex Grossman, you're always drunk on just being so great. This should not be illegal," said Grossman in a released statement sure to illicit much sympathy from the public. It is unknown how the incident will affect the already volatile anti-hovercraft movement led by MADH, Mothers Against Drunk Hovercrafting. What if there had been some young kids heading to their graduation on a hovercraft near the lake that Rex could have plowed into? They are looking to take down what they call is a dangerous and gravity-defying vehicle, and this is more ammunition for their cause.

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Marvin Harrison has been questioned in connection to a shooting that took place near a carwash he owns in Pennsylvania. Police say Harrison turned over a revolver belonging to him, and bullet casings from the shooting match the gun. Harrison denies direct involvement in the incident which took place on Saturday when a man identified by police only as Mr. Green was at the carwash with his wife Scarlett.

Professor Paul Plum, a teacher of forensics at Penn State says the crime points heavily to Harrison, as the murder weapon is known to be his. It's unknown where exactly the shooting took place, but it could have been in the billiards room or the conservatory of the carwash. The owner of Mrs. Peacock's, an italian restaurant next door, phoned in a call to police early Saturday when she heard 6 shots fired. A Mrs. White was at the carwash at the time, but indoors and unable to give the police any other information than a young male in a hood.

The chief police investigator on the case, Colonel William Mustard, says they were lucky to have the gun turned in, as original examination of the victim pointed to a candlestick or possibly a lead pipe being the weapon used. Officer Mustard says that they have received a small envelope today at the station from an anonymous person which included three cards including a Marvin Harrison rookie card. He would not give any more information than that, but said the envelope was being treated like evidence, and could lead to an endgame soon. In the mean time, the police will continue searching for more clues.

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