The Chargers have made it official that defensive end Shawn Merriman will play this season despite a decapitation he suffered in a preseason game last week. In the 2nd quarter against the 49ers, Merriman was beheaded on a hard chop block by on of the San Francisco runningbacks. The head rolled around the field, as players from both sides confused it for a fumble and tried to step on it or jump on top of it. Charger trainers came on the field to attempt to re-attach it, but only after waiting for his torso to stop spraying blood all over the place. Horrified viewers at home watched as they attempted to put it back on with a stapler, scotch tape, and even some gum one of them was chewing. They took him and the head off on a stretcher and onto a helicopter, which took them to a local elementary school, where he was to receive Elmer's glue surgery to put it back on.

It was believed the injury could put him out of action for a few weeks, and possibly even require him to miss the season. But, the Chargers have informed the press that Merriman has agreed to play in this upcoming season, and will start in week one. They made the announcement at a press conference, with the headless body of Merriman in attendance.

"We asked him, hey, you still want to play this season right? If you don't feel up to it, just give us the word...But, he didn't say anything, because he's a trooper. This kid has got some real guts, and we look forward to having him on the field with us. He's so ready to play, he's wearing his uniform right now. In fact, I think it may be the same blood-covered uniform he wore in that preseason game. This kid is ready for more action."

It's unknown how well Merriman can perform without a head, but it's believed one of the defensive tackles will help hold him up during plays. Team management say that they don't want to lost a pro-bowler from their defense, and he's free to stop at any point, if he just tells them. They say this plan could work out great, they want to remind everyone of the success of Weekend At Bernie's and Weekend At Bernie's 2, both of which featured similar events.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

ESPN has announced that Emmitt Smith will be moving from their main NFL commentary team to head up his own studio show this season. "Janitorial Closet With Emmitt" will debut this season to anyone who happens to be passing near the closet it is being performed in. The decision to move Smith came after witnessing what a horrid announcer he was last season doing analysis for their post-game coverage. Constantly stuttering, making up words and phrases such as "pelaties", "carousing", and his favorite way to describe a bad loss, "blowed out".

Executives told Smith that he will now have a chance to host his own show, and it can be as uncensored and crazy as he wants, just as long as he doesn't get in the way of the janitorial staff. Smith's show will air everyday at 11:00 PM, primetime opposition to their flagship SportsCenter broadcast. ESPN are confident however, that they will not suffer significant loss of viewership. If you are ever in the ESPN offices, you might want to stop by the closet to check it out.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

ESPN announced their depth chart for the upcoming season on Monday, and the biggest shock was that longtime Monday Morning quarterback John Clayton has been dropped to 2nd on the depth chart. The move comes as a major surprise to many, who have been fans of Clayton's day after declarations of how he would have done plays differently. But some felt Clayton's skill in correcting late-game decisions was beginning to wane in recent years. "He just didn't have the same fire he used to," said Dave Boggs, a longtime ESPN watcher. "Back in the day Clayton would just tear into coaches. If they got an interception, he'd rip into the coach for daring to throw the ball when they have a guy on the team with hands who can just hold the ball. If a team went for a field goal instead of a touchdown and they ended up losing by 3, he would criticize them for not having a mathematician and a telepath on the sidelines to see into the future. He was brutal."

But many ESPN fans were calling for a Monday Morning QB change last year when, after the Seahawks tried to run it in on a 4th and goal and failed, Clayton did not chastise them for not throwing over the top. Many felt it was a sign of old age, he had lost the spark he had during his prime. Replacing Clayton will be a hotshot rookie MMQB, reporter Rick Engle. Engle impressed viewers during a fill in for Clayton one day last season when he went down with a bad case of the shits. Engle called out the mother of Bengals QB Carson Palmer, after a tough loss to rival Pittburgh, for not realizing back in 1979 when he was being created that she was giving life to someone who can not properly read double strong side coverage.

People called it some of the best Monday Morning Quarterbacking they had seen in 20 years. NFL Live host Chris Berman said in the offseason there would be an open MMQB competition to see who could win the job, and apparently Engle showed them enough to make it official. He will open the season in the NFL Live debut show before the first game. It is offen the toughest show to play MMQB for, as there are not any decisions to second guess in hindsight, with a bird's eye view of the game, and without ever having any actual experience playing or coaching football. It's not an easy position to play, but one Clayton has performed in admirably for years. We'll see how this young rookie does in the Fall.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Reporters from the Boston Herald have formally retracted their February report about Matt Walsh taping the St. Louis Rams walkthrough in 2001 before their Super Bowl matchup with the New England Patriots. But in a town such as Boston, that alone was not enough. The 3 sports section reporters who collaborated on the story were blind-folded and abducted from their homes in the middle of the night by mindless #### clone soldiers, also known as Patriots fans. When the blindfolds were removed, they were in the middle of Boston Common on their knees, standing before the entire New England Patriots roster dressed in their full uniforms.

The team parted slowly as the Dark Lord Chancellor Bill Belichick made his way from behind them to stand before the 3 journalists. "You have betrayed the power of the dark side," Belichick told them. "As residents of Boston you must remain ever loyal to the dark powers that rule here. You can not question the Red Sox massive payroll which is only slightly less than that of the Yankees, you must continue to paint them as lovable scrappy underdogs. You can not question my prickishness when I choose to give Tony Dungy a running high five instead of stopping to shake his hand. You can not try to imply that Ray Allen is too #### to be considered a part of the Celtics Big Three, the Big Two sounds incredibly less cool."

"But Chancellor, we were not questioning the greatness of your team when we did the article, we just wanted to find out the truth about the taping," said the reporter who wrote the piece. Belichick raised his right hand and lightning surged out from it and electrocuted the man. The other reporters turned their heads away as he screamed and fell to the ground in a pile of smoking ash. Tedy Bruschi then released the chain from the neck of rabid placekicker Stephen Gostkowski, who ran and began devouring the remains of the man.

"This is what happens to those who oppose the Patriots, you get eaten by a 190-pound man from Mississippi," continued Belichick. "I hope the rest fo you have learned your lessons and will not oppose the power of the dark side again. If we are united, we will once again rule the NFL universe."

But then from out of nowhere, Tony Dungy and Yoda appeared from behind the crowd of fans and cut the reporters loose with their lightsabers. "Hurry! Get out of here! We'll hold them off!" yelled Dungy to the men, who began scrambling out of the park. A large CGI-rendered battle ensued, and we at TSC would like to tell you what happened, but no one really cared what happened because everyone looked like a cartoon character.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The NFL has announced that no new information had been obtained from former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh following his interview with Roger Goodell over the weekend. The most scandalous part of the tapes shown before Goodell's news conference talking about the findings had nothing to do with stealing signals, it was several minutes of close-ups of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders performing during a 2002 game.

While the NFL says they have no more leads on where to investigate the Patriots alleged taping of the St. Louis Rams pre-Super Bowl walkthrough, they will be amping up an in-depth investigation of the cheerleaders. "Wow, just wow..." said Goodell. "I had no idea this kind of dancing was taking place on the sidelines of NFL games. I have spent many hours, alone, reviewing this footage and I must say that I am appalled...and having trouble holding anything in my right hand. If you catch my drift fellas..." He then took a sip from a brandy snifter. "God damn, that's good. Makes a man feel warm inside."

As he lit up a cigar and took a long puff he continued, "Look, the American people have been clamoring for a public investigation into the evidence on these tapes. I say we've shown them enough boring hand signals called into the sidelines by middle aged men. I say we need to have an investigation into these girls. Where do they shower after games, what scent of body wash do they use, and what exactly does it look like during this shower? Eh? Am I right fellas?" The male members of the press in attendance gave a few hoots and hollers, while 2 of the few female journalists walked out of the room. "There are just so many unanswered questions about this whole thing. "Do they lather each other or just rub themselves alone? I am shocked at all this, and just want to get to the bottom of it like the rest of you. I vow that I will not rest until we are watching these Charger girls bathing on national television, so we can make sure they aren't hiding anything anywhere on their bodies."

SportsComedian.com>
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The Washington Redskins improbable season had come full-circle. After losing their starting safety Sean Taylor to a tragic shooting in his home, they had been on a tear to make the playoffs. Getting in and facing the Seahawks was no easy task, but despite trailing 13-0 early, they pushed and came back to take a 14-13 lead in the 4th quarter. It would be the perfect ending to a perfect run for the feel-good story of the year.

But then, inexplicably, the Seahawks scored a touchdown, then a field goal, then another touchdown. Before the Redskins knew it, it was a 35-14 bludgeoning. At some point during the meltdown, Joe Gibbs ran out from behind his camera to shout "What are you guys doing? This isn't in the script!" When asked about the game Gibbs was sullen, "I wrote this epic masterpiece about a death challenging a mediocre team to come together and gel into a champion. But the Seahawks obviously did not get the pages I sent them last week. They have completely messed everything up. We still had 30 pages of script to go! How are we going to win the Super Bowl now?! I also had a scene where the team battled a dragon and where all 42 men on the active roster fall in love with Taylor's widow. It was to be a heart-warming ending to our tale, that defied the logic of 42 men and one woman. The love scene alone could have won us a cinematography award. But none of that is going to be happening now!"

"It was my bad," said Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren. "I didn't see the latest script sitting in a box at my front door Friday, so I told the boys to just go out there and play. In the latest version of the script I had, we find out that all the Redskins are actually dead and ghosts, and we are all trapped in some kind of matrix controlled by machine overlords. I kept waiting for that to happen, as it sounded very interesting, but it never did. I guess he changed the ending to this standard team overcomes adversity plot. Oops..."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
• Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
• Unfrozen from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
• Why does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
• Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
• Obviously with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
• Alright Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole lot less hilarious.
• Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises everyone by showing he's not retired.
• Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
• The Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998, although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record is better.
  
• People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large. For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of National Treasure 2.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The most exciting time of the year is here in the NFL, and I'm of course talking about the NFL NIT Selection. Nothing is better than finding out all the interesting first round matchups for the tournament for teams that weren't quite good enough to make it to the real playoffs. We at TSC are covering the selection show live, and are here with all the first round games and some analysis.

• Cleveland Browns vs. Gardening: The Brownsleftthe stadium Sunday knowing they had an outside shot at the number 6 seed in the AFC. But the Titans disrupted those plans by beating the Colts. While not being able to get that last seed, Romeo Crennel gave his team some actual tomato and sunflower seeds and told them maybe they should take up gardening in the offseason, as football might not be for them.
• Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cincinnati Police Department: These two old rivals will battle it out once again this year. The Bengals managed to avoid any serious offenses this season, but there is still plenty of bad blood between the two. Receiver Chris Henry is especially mad about a domestic abuse arrest last year, something he claims was only because his wife asked him to "Show me what boxing feels like."
• Houston Texans vs. Pink Dancing Elephants: The Houston Texans are going up against those damn pink dancing elephants from Disney's Fantasia. Because the Texans are obviously living in Fantasia if they thought they had a chance at the playoffs with Sage Rosenfels at the helm.
• Philadelphia Eagles vs. Mark Wahlberg: Philly will face off with their acting equivalent in Mark Wahlberg. If you saw him in his band Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch, you probably thought he sucked, but if you see him now in movies like The Departed, you say "Hey! He's pretty good after all!" That is probably also what you are saying now about the Eagles, despite them looking like carmelized dog #### only 4 weeks ago.
• Minnesota Vikings vs. Killer Robots: This matchup makes no sense whatsoever, it would just be cool to see Vikings fight killer robots. It may be too cool actually. I don't know if we would be able to handle it.
  
• Arizona Cardinals vs. Rob Schneider: The Arizona Cardinals are opposing that Rob Schneider character from the Adam Sandler movies who yells "You can do it!" and "We suck again!" which is pretty much the embodiment of every Cardinals fan. Also it's been about as long since Rob Schneider has been funny as it's been since the Cardinals have had an even decent team.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

"Alright boys, we've embarrassed Kurt Warner by catching more of his passes than the other team. Now let's strip him and cover him in shaving cream to take away what shred of dignity he might have left."

(AP Photo/Elaine Thompson)

SportsComedian.comp>

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary, almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
• The David Carr era begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
• If the NFL were a carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The San Diego Chargers.
• How many commercials must there be of enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
• I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
• Tom Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this year than last.
• Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god that line is back.
  
• There are a lot of ads for anti-balding products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
• First place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play in the AFC West.
• Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
• Maurice Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10 yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
• What was the first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20 years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)

SportsComedian.com

Mushin Muhammad congratulates Shaun Alexander as he had a game almost on par with the rest of his season: 0 yards, 0 TDs. The difference was, he was actually sitting out this game as opposed to the others.

(AP Photo/Elaine Thompson)