The Atlanta Falcons have announced that Matt Ryan will start the season for them at quarterback, saying he is ready to lead the team to the 4-12 record they all know they are capable of. Ryan first impressed Falcons scouts for his ability to throw a football, something they hadn't seen in all the years with Michael Vick and Joey Harrington. "We're really excited about the possibility of doing something called a "pass" this season," said GM Rich McKay. "I've heard about other teams doing this in the past, and I'm glad we'll finally be able to try it. Apparently, they have even been able to get some touchdowns out of this pass thing, which we only got 2 or 3 times last year, so that will be very cool. We've even had to hire on some more stadium graphics people to work the giant screen. Originally we told them we didn't need graphics designed for things like "First Down", "Touchdown Atlanta", and "Falcons Win!", but now we might actually need them."

The Falcons had originally planned on making Ryan sit on the bench and learn from Harrington or one of the other experienced Atlanta QB's on how to properly lose in the NFL. But, after watching him in practice and the preseason, they are confident he can do that job immediately. "When he threw his first interception of the preseason I knew he was going to be our QB," said McKay. "It was an NFL level interception, this kid is ready to do it when it counts."

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Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith attempt to convince his coach that his latest concussion is not from headbutting a teammate.

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Jon Gruden sat at his home computer with a smile on his face as he clicked reload and watched the minutes tick down on his bid for Brett Favre on eBay. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach had been watching the auction for weeks, when Favre was listed by the Green Bay Packers for the starting bid of 1 dollar. Towards the beginning of the auction, it looked like either PackinHard4Life or Wisconsinprincess6969 would land Favre after a brutal bidding war. But once the price went about 70 bucks, neither could stay in the race. That was when Gruden put in his bid of $14 million in hopes of adding the superstar to his prized quarterback collection.

Gruden has over 300 old quarterbacks in his home, that he hopes can one day contribute to a championship. When we entered his large estate we found a foyer with Super Bowl winning QB Brad Johnson encased in a plastic case in the middle, presumably to preserve him. As we passed him, with Gruden leading us to his computer room, Johnson begged for water and said not to let Gruden hit him with "the happy stick". We didn't know what that meant, but it sounded fun. We kept walking and passed the Hall Of Quarterbacks, as Gruden called it, where Gannon, Garcia, Plummer, and others were being held.

When we got to the computer, Gruden showed us the bid he had in for Favre, and says he frequently bids on any QBs that appear on the site, but only if they are over 30. "Now, I know a near mint condition Favre sounds like a steal at $14 million, but it's the $6 million shipping that really gets you," said Gruden. "But, that's eBay for you. Once I have him, my collection will be the greatest in the world. I'm going to take some time off in the Fall to tour with the collection in the QB convention circuit. No point in being a collector if you aren't going to show them off."

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Steve Smith was suspended for 2 regular season games by the Carolina Panthers for not giving 100% in his fight with teammate Ken Lucas. Smith, who is the team's number one receiver got into an altercation with Lucas during a scrimmage and punched him in the nose. But x-rays showed that the punch was not Smith's best effort. "I've seen him in some bar fights before, and this was not his greatest effort," said head coach John Fox. "X-rays showed only 2 or 3 breaks in the nose, and simply minor surgery will be needed to fix it. If you want to be a starter on this team, you better leave your opponent in a near coma. Hopefully Steve will learn by sitting out a few games." Lucas meanwhile has been promoted on the depth chart to number one pansy, for leaning into the punch so well, and making sure to offer up no resistance to the beating.

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Hello everyone, I want to announce here my very first video post. You all usually know me for fake sports news I post on here semi-regularly, but below is my first attempt at doing something visual. It's an interview with Brett Favre where he denies being tampered with by the Minnesota Vikings. It's pretty darn funny, in my humble opinion. Try to ignore the shoddy production values and let me know what you think! Be gentle, it's my first attempt....

The Brett Favre story took more twists and turns over the weekend as Favre was told by Packers GM Ted Thompson to stay away from their facilities until he could work something out. Favre told Thompson he has until Wednesday to work something out, or he will put in his reinstatement papers to the league. This story has gripped the nation over the past month and a half, with ESPN even launching their new channel, ESPN Favre yesterday. The new channel covers all the latest happenings in the world of Favre with specials, breaking news, interviews, and a nightly broadcast of their flagship program Favrecenter.

Universal Pictures has said to have acquired the rights to the Favre retirement story from Brett himself. Peter Jackson, director of Lord Of The Rings, has said to be signed on to adapt to story into an epic trilogy called "The Favre: Redemption: Battle For Shadow Tundra: This Time It's Personal." Jackson is excited about the project, not only because it is the longest titled movie of all time, but because it is a story with so much drama.

"I see this as one of the great stories of all time," said Jackson. "It's about a battered and worn avenger, who has given his all to his superiors. But then when he wants to come back for another year, after stringing them along for two straight offseasons and handing the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl in overtime, they for some unknown reason tell him no."

"The first film in the TFRBFST3IP saga will be about Favre as a boy, learning the art of quarterbacking from a wise but dangerous dark QB master, exiled from the NFL for throwing a pass so hard it took off a man's head. Brett has to battle the power of dark quarterbacking, to eventually destroy his mentor in a brutal punt, pass, and kick competition. I watched my 7 year old son do one of these last year, and let me tell you, they can get really intense."

"The second film is a story about his rise to power and his reign as King Lord Bishop of Wisconsin. There will be a lot of time spent in his famous ice castle, where he directs the wars against the various continental powers such as the Viking people to the North and the great Bears and Lions to the east. We're thinking up some epic battle scenes for this thing, imagine Chronicles Of Narnia meets Tron."

"The third film will focus on Favre's attempted comeback, and all the events that have happened recently. A young evil prince named Sir Rodgers will attempt to take his kingdom in a vicious coup. From a small village in Mississippi, Brett will attempt to rally the land to his side with the help o####ypsy woman named Gretta Van Sustren. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but we're thinking about a lightsaber duel with the Arch-Demon Ted Thompson in the Training Fortress Of Infinity. This trilogy is going to be a wild ride, that's for sure."

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Jake Delhomme was set to meet with the team witch doctor today, only to find out he had been fired and replaced by an actual doctor. The Panthers were curiously the only team to employ a witch doctor, named Daddy Shango, as their primary physician since their inception in 1995. "Well, basically he was just a cheaper alternative," said team owner Jerry Richardson. "We could pay millions to one of these doctors with a paper degree from some university, or we could pay only 8 sacks of grain to Daddy Shango. It seemed like a bargain at the time."

But then the complains started to roll in from players such as DeAngelo Williams, who claimed Shango replaced his pancreas with one from a lamb. While saving a substantial amount of money, they finally cut ties with the doctor after he shrunk the head and another part of placekicker John Kasay. The team declined comment on what exactly the other part was. As Shango was escorted from the premises he shouted a curse upon the building, and poured his personal bottle of bull urine on the steps to the building.


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The Atlanta Falcons have awarded Matt Ryan the largest rookie contract in the history of the NFL. The Boston College quarterback, chosen 3rd by Atlanta, will receive close to $1 billion dollars over the next 60 years as well as be named King Lord God Fuhrer of the state of Georgia. "I just don't know how to thank everyone involved in these negotiations. I'm really excited about being the franchise quarterback of the Falcons for the next half century, and I guess I just have one heck of an agent."

Pundits are quick to point out much of Ryan's billion is back-loaded into the last few years of the contract. "It really seems like a lot at this point," said ESPN's Mark Clayton. "But you have to remember that much of this money won't be paid until around the 2064 season when he's 80 years old. It's going to be hard to believe the Falcons won't cut him before then due to the salary cap restrictions, especially when the game shifts from real to just televised 3D Virtual Reality Madden 2064. You know how old people hate video games."

It is believed to be the largest award of land to a football player, topping the previous awarding of the Northwest Territories to CFL player John Avery. Despite being larger geographically than Georgia, the land is in Canada and thus worthless. The population of Georgia is actually happy about Ryan becoming the new fascist head of state. "It can't be much worse than George Bush, that's for sure," said one resident. But there could be opposition to his reign, as his first order to build a giant coliseum where mighty dogs can wage battle against each other, was struck down by the state senate. Ryan does not understand why, but says if they oppose him again they will be thrown into the newly erected dungeon.

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

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Brett Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to, this arm still is ready to throw."

Favre is so eager to help out should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game, just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that #### Maybe you locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."

The hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in need of one than us."

Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1. Thank you."

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Inspired by the new Hulk movie coming out this summer, in which they attempt to ignore the horrible original and reboot the character with a new origin, the Oakland Raiders are asking to do the same thing. "If you can do a remake in movies, you should damn well be able to do them in football," said Raiders owner Al Davis. "What we want to do here is replay the 2003 Super Bowl. That game just wasn't well liked by the fans, especially in Oakland, because it was such a massive blowout. We propose recasting the teams and shooting the whole thing over again. We've got a new quarterback in Jamarcus Russell as our star, and I really think he's going to help us make people forget about the original."

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers declined comment on the matter saying only, "We are not going to entertain the possibility of this game being remade. The original game is beloved by longtime fans everywhere, we feel that trying to update the game for the current times would be detrimental to it's message. The game of football was much simpler back then, trying to add in all the new technology like lazer targeting, cyber passing, and holographic kickers would only make it a shadow of what the original was."

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A federal judge ruled Monday that jailed quarterback Michael Vick could keep all but $3.75 million of the $20 million of the bonuses paid to him by the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons tried to recover the money after his conviction last year on charges of running a dogfighting operation. The judge said he believes Michael Vick has learned his lesson through the jail time alone.

"I abhor dogfighting," said the judge. "It is cruel and inhumane treatment of living creatures. But, I am a fan of just fighting, and Mr. Vick has shown to be capable of staging some very great fights. I consider him a young Don King, who just took a few mis-steps along the way. I think in the nation's best interest, he needs this money so that he can set up some amazing new fights when he gets out."

"It was obvious that football was not his best skill, we all saw that by watching him try to complete actual passes. So maybe this is it. When I was a boy I had a dream of being an ice cream cowboy who lived in space. All throughout high school I studied ice cream and space. But then I was told by my father I had to go to Harvard, and they did not have a frozen desert astronaut program like the junior college in town. So I had to become a judge. Maybe Michael had dreams of watching two competitors rip each other apart and bleed to death while money was exchanged. That's a beautiful dream, and I won't stand in it's way."

"Plus there are so many good fights out there we have yet to see. What if an rhino fought a hippo, what if salt fought pepper, what if a man whose arms have been replaced with giant staplers took on a guy who had a shotgun for a leg. Those are some fights I know we all want to see, and there is one man that can bring them to us. Michael, you are our future for watching things maim each other. You can keep this money, as long as it's used for good. I want no rap albums, ethnic clothing lines, or attempted NFL comebacks. You have one talent, and it is making things fight."

"I still look up at the sky and wonder what flavors I could be serving and what kinds of spacecow I could be wrangling right now..."

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The city of New Orleans was barely left standing after the disaster that was the 2007 Saints season. Standing among the rubble of their homes and businesses, residents huddled together waiting for help to arrive in the form of a free agent or trade, but none came. Every Sunday, the Superdome became a shelter for those wanting to witness the chaos and carnage. But out of this tragedy, the city has rebuilt itself. It has banded together in a way that they have not done in...about a year.

The symbol of this rebuilding and rejuvenation of the city has been the New Orleans Hornets, who now have the best record in the Western Conference. "We are very proud of our team and our city, it shows that we can come back from such an epic disaster. I lost 2 children to that Saints season. I went to get concessions about a minute before halftime, and when I looked up at the scoreboard while in line I saw we had somehow given up two more touchdowns. I decided I couldn't take it anymore and just left, with my kids still in the stands. Damn you god! They were so young!"

The mayor made a speech following the Hornets latest win that allowed them to take over first place from the San Antonio Spurs. "When our city was flooded with the suck of Reggie Bush, I was worried we would never be able to rebuild. I remember rowing a boat through the suck, seeing people on their roofs trying to not let the suck touch them. I, like you, watched all the commercials mocking us, pretending Reggie Bush was a good player. But we persevered, we survived the storm, and now the Hornets are going to carry this city on a magical run to the conference championship, where we will lose to an opponent that is a heavy underdog!"

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Nike announced today the release of the all-new 2008 Tom Brady cast. It turns out the boot he was wearing when he went into Gisele's apartment on Monday was not because of an injury, it was merely a promotional boot. This marks the first name-brand cast ever released, but many New England fans are already breaking their own legs and lining up outside Nike Outlet stores to be the first to try it on.

Nike's slogan for the boot is "Heal Your Bone Fractures Like A Champion". Basketball players are usually the only ones to have a yearly shoe released under their name, but Nike has tried several football releases in the past. There was the Morten Anderson sandal, the Steve Young Heely, and the Daunte Culpepper Croc. All utter failures.

Tom Brady's new commercial in which he states "When I sustain a class 2 stress fracture, I don't take it to the doctor or the ER. I take it to the max! With Nike!" Many Nike stores and Foot Lockers are now being inundated with injured people, as they believe that is where they should go to receive treatment.

"There isn't much we can do for them," said a frantic Foot Locker employee. "We usually just measure their foot with that weird device we have and then give them a few aspirin that the new guy Wally keeps in his pocket. Right now, I hate Tom Brady. I haven't even graduated high school, I'm not qualified to treat wounds."

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