The Atlanta Falcons have announced that Matt Ryan will start the season for them at quarterback, saying he is ready to lead the team to the 4-12 record they all know they are capable of. Ryan first impressed Falcons scouts for his ability to throw a football, something they hadn't seen in all the years with Michael Vick and Joey Harrington. "We're really excited about the possibility of doing something called a "pass" this season," said GM Rich McKay. "I've heard about other teams doing this in the past, and I'm glad we'll finally be able to try it. Apparently, they have even been able to get some touchdowns out of this pass thing, which we only got 2 or 3 times last year, so that will be very cool. We've even had to hire on some more stadium graphics people to work the giant screen. Originally we told them we didn't need graphics designed for things like "First Down", "Touchdown Atlanta", and "Falcons Win!", but now we might actually need them."

The Falcons had originally planned on making Ryan sit on the bench and learn from Harrington or one of the other experienced Atlanta QB's on how to properly lose in the NFL. But, after watching him in practice and the preseason, they are confident he can do that job immediately. "When he threw his first interception of the preseason I knew he was going to be our QB," said McKay. "It was an NFL level interception, this kid is ready to do it when it counts."

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Lovie Smith has been fired today by the Chicago Bears for struggling all pre-season to a horrible 0-2 record. This was quite a disappointment for Chicago, who had been favored to do well in the preseason, mainly because they would be playing against backups most of the time instead of real NFL quality players. But their team was devastated by injuries, and they sometimes had to go to 3rd and 4th string players late in games because of it. Starting QB Rex Grossman has passed for a paltry 120 yards on the season, and was benched after only the 1st quarter of some games this year.

"We had hoped to compete for a playoff spot this year," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "But with the preseason half over, and us without a single win, that doesn't leave much time to turn things around. I've been told by the league that we can't make make the playoffs at all no matter what we do in these final two games. But, I don't like to believe that we're playing for nothing, I think these games will matter to getting this team back on track for next year."

"Well, I think we all saw this coming," said a distraught Lovie Smith after hearing the news. "To be winless here at 0-2, with other awful franchises like the Giants and Patriots, it hurts. It hurts this city to be associated with garbage teams like that. I couldn't really settle on my personnel. I think we used 14 different receivers in the last game, that was probably a bad idea. I didn't play some of our really good players. I let my 12 year old son call some plays, because I thought it didn't matter what we did really as long as no one got hurt. But it did matter, we are an embarrassment, and hopefully an interim coach can fix some things and get us turned around."

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Bud Selig announced today that he was bringing an NFL replay system to MLB as early as the end of this month. The system has proved successful in the NFL over the past decade or so, and baseball fans and players have been clamoring for it over the past few seasons. The system will allow umpires to put a replay on the stadium screen of an NFL game, should the baseball on the field become too boring for the fans in attendance.

"There have been a lot of events this year that have made people stand up and say we want replay like the NFL has," said Selig at a news conference talking about the new technology. "We had a game go 23 innings back in March! Who can sit through that?! We've had a couple no-hitters, also very boring for the fans. This system will allow fans something fun to watch if the baseball gets too much to take. Say the catcher is going out to talk to the pitcher for the 12th time that inning. We just put some NFL action up on the jumbotron and everyone can still be entertained."

The system is already making strides to fix some of the blown calls that happen during games. During a Twins-Cardinals matchup, in which the system was being tested, there was a disputed Twins homerun that sent manager Ron Gardenhire out to argue with officials. The umps then called upon the replay system that showed the ending of an intense Colts-Patriots game. Gardenhire then realized that it wasn't worth arguing about, as it was only boring old baseball, and if he delays too long he'll miss the Vikings training camp coverage on ESPN tonight.

So far the NFL replay system is working out great to help fix occasional boredom and blown calls all over the country. During a Washington Nationals game, however, the NFL replays will be shown during the entire game. News of this has led to a 16% increase in ticket sales.

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Despite his latest effort, battling Jet Li as a cursed Chinese emperor, being kind of a failure, Brendan Fraser will be back in a fourth Mummy installment. The sequel will document his fight against an ancient quarterback known as The Favre in the year 2112. It has yet to be explained how Fraser's character is still alive at this time, but it's assumed the amazing writing staff behind the very cerebral Mummy franchise will be able to come up with a perfectly plausible explanation.

"The Mummy IV: Madden Cover Curse" will take Fraser's character to the far reaches of the future temple known as EA Sports. Inside the building, which has been condemned for some 50 years, he discovers the remains of once great players who have appeared on Madden covers. Michael Vick, Shaun Alexander, and Marshall Faulk are all entombed there along with Brett Favre, the fallen Lord Emperor Of New York.

He came to rule the state after leading the Jets to a Super Bowl in his first season, and the 24-7 media coverage around him allowed him to take over a position as dictator. From there he used the NY national guard to stage a war against the rest of the country, eventually moving on Washington DC. The President asked lead adviser John Madden what could be done to stop Lord Emperor Favre, but he said nothing. For Favre's intangibles and gunslings(a new device somehow superior to a real gun) were too much. The President surrendered the country and within a matter of months Favre ruled the entire Western Hemisphere.

But he was entombed in the EA Sports corporate headquarters by a magical priest who decreed that he and others were under to control of the Madden Curse. This was a curse which made them seek world domination, and also want to fight dogs against each other. The only way to stop them was to entomb them in the offices of EA forever. It was also the only way to stop EA from releasing the same game every year with new rosters and one new offensive or defensive feature and charges $60 for it.

When Fraser's character enters the offices in the future, he re-activates the mummified players and has to battle them as they try to take over the world. He must fight against Michael Vick's hellhounds, Marshall Faulk's horrid announcing ability, and outrun Shaun Alexander, as he comes after him 2.2 yards at a time before falling to the ground. After that will he have what it takes to take down Lord Emperor Favre once and for all? Find out next summer...

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Peyton Manning was ruled out of the second preseason game for the Indianapolis Colts, as he continues to recover from the infected bursa sac he had removed from his knee a couple of weeks ago. Manning's PR agent Johnny Philips held a press conference to assure fans of the quarterback, especially the ladies, that he would be back and just as good as before.

"I know a lot of you are worried about Peyton," said Philips. "And it is a commonly known fact that what makes a quarterback great is his giant sack. Brady, Elway, Marino, Favre, we are talking about some of the biggest sacks in history here. But, I assure you that the removal of this sack will in no way affect Peyton's play on the field. You see, Peyton is such a great quarterback because he has multiple sacks hidden throughout his body. That's where he gets his special ability, his intangibles out on the field. He has his normal male sack, a sack on his right shoulder, two more sacks inside his lower abdomen, the sack in his knee, and if he ever took off his shoes you would see that he has not a foot, but a giant sack down there too. This is a man who still, despite the loss, still sweats manliness from his pores. He could get a woman pregnant from touching her after a brisk jog. So, I think we're going to be fine. He will be back soon."

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Jon Gruden sat at his home computer with a smile on his face as he clicked reload and watched the minutes tick down on his bid for Brett Favre on eBay. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach had been watching the auction for weeks, when Favre was listed by the Green Bay Packers for the starting bid of 1 dollar. Towards the beginning of the auction, it looked like either PackinHard4Life or Wisconsinprincess6969 would land Favre after a brutal bidding war. But once the price went about 70 bucks, neither could stay in the race. That was when Gruden put in his bid of $14 million in hopes of adding the superstar to his prized quarterback collection.

Gruden has over 300 old quarterbacks in his home, that he hopes can one day contribute to a championship. When we entered his large estate we found a foyer with Super Bowl winning QB Brad Johnson encased in a plastic case in the middle, presumably to preserve him. As we passed him, with Gruden leading us to his computer room, Johnson begged for water and said not to let Gruden hit him with "the happy stick". We didn't know what that meant, but it sounded fun. We kept walking and passed the Hall Of Quarterbacks, as Gruden called it, where Gannon, Garcia, Plummer, and others were being held.

When we got to the computer, Gruden showed us the bid he had in for Favre, and says he frequently bids on any QBs that appear on the site, but only if they are over 30. "Now, I know a near mint condition Favre sounds like a steal at $14 million, but it's the $6 million shipping that really gets you," said Gruden. "But, that's eBay for you. Once I have him, my collection will be the greatest in the world. I'm going to take some time off in the Fall to tour with the collection in the QB convention circuit. No point in being a collector if you aren't going to show them off."

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ESPN reporters showed up at Green Bay Packers camp today in anticipation of recording Favre's first day on the field, only to discover that there were football players there who were not Brett Favre. John Clayton interrupted live programming on ESPN's Monday Night Favredown to announce that new football players had indeed been discovered. Apparently these other players also are part of the NFL, and play positions as equally important to victory as quarterback. The crew of Favredown had many questions for Clayton such as which of them he thinks will end up being the second string Favre, how many of them look like that can "gunsling", and how does a strong safety work? They were almost ready to accept that players aside from Favre existed in the world, but then Clayton told them about 3 players who were there playing as something called a "tight end".

The crew then laughed heartily and ridiculed Clayton, with Shannon Sharpe saying that "obviously a tight end is another one of the homosexual fantasy creatures you draw in your reporter's notepad and show me in the office. I still remember the Dickicorn you showed me last week, despite my telling you every damn time that I don't want to see or hear about them."

While Clayton was cut off from the broadcast, Chris Mortensen appeared live from that room he sits in with all the phones to tell the crew he just got off a call where an unnamed source told him there may be as many as 31 other teams out there in the world. The crew asked just what this would mean for the future, and Mortensen told of a world where the top story on Sportscenter would be not about Favre, but about another team and person. This discovery could mean a show completely devoid of Favrian updates, and they may even be able to replace the "Favre" position on the score ticker with one that simply says "NFL".

Even more strange was a report by Mortensen that some sort of exhibition game had been played already. The only news organization said to have covered the event was a high school newspaper in Canton, whose teacher made them attend, where they only kind of paid attention while listening to radio updates on Favre's flight from Mississippi to Wisconsin. Therefore information was sketchy, but it's believed to have taken place between a team of horses and one full of sunburned individuals. Other news from their paper included that Kristine was spotted at the movies with Jason and next Wednesday's lunch special is salisbury steak.

The news of other teams and players has completely shaken up the ESPN offices. They even woke up draft guru Mel Kiper, who has been asleep since 1991, the year Favre was the only player taken in the NFL draft. "Things are crazy around here right now," he said. "I'm trying to piece things together, but apparently we've been covering this guy so long we had forgotten about everything else! I also learned I have 3 children at home! I didn't even remember them! This is so exciting!" More information on these developments as they happen.

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Hello everyone, I want to announce here my very first video post. You all usually know me for fake sports news I post on here semi-regularly, but below is my first attempt at doing something visual. It's an interview with Brett Favre where he denies being tampered with by the Minnesota Vikings. It's pretty darn funny, in my humble opinion. Try to ignore the shoddy production values and let me know what you think! Be gentle, it's my first attempt....

Despite all the hooplah over Brett Favre's possible return to the team, it's been Green Bay's other quarterback who has impressed coaches so far in training camp. Aaron Rodgers has yet to be sacked, hit, or even touched so far in early pad-less practice sessions.

"Well, I don't want to say that I'm great, but I am doing pretty well so far," said Rodgers to reporters after practice Wednesday. "I don't know how I've managed to avoid every defender so far, but being awesome is just what I do. Even when holding that clipboard, I won the ESPY for most creative clipboard hold for the past 3 years. I mean, everyone has seen some of my innovative holds on YouTube, like 'Upside Down' or 'Hey, This Clipboard Is Sort Of Like A Hat'. That last one I patented. Everything just kind of comes naturally to me, and this quarterbacking thing is no problem. These defenses can't touch me. They even gave me this special red jersey, probably because I'm so awesome they don't want me confused with anyone else here."

"Well, yes, we may have told Aaron he got to wear a special magical jersey," said head coach Mike McCarthy. "He doesn't handle things like the truth very well. We've had to make up elaborate stories every year for why he had to be second string to Brett. We told him footballs were going to be replaced with clipboards by the league soon, and this was the best practice for the future. We told him Brett's family was being held on a speeding bus laden with explosives and if he didn't start that week, Dennis Hopper would blow them all up. I'm surprised that worked every week for a year, but it did. Any time he asked questions we just replaced the excuse with the plot of another Keanu Reeves movie. I mean, when he first got here we tried telling him that he had to actually pay for food in the cafeteria. He went off on one of our assistants about how he should just have things given to him because he was the quarterback and was "totally rad" or something like that. We just gave up then on the whole truth thing."

So with the red jersey, Rodgers continues to evade the defense who has been instructed not to touch or tackle him. "You know, I always thought I may have like an extra heart inside me," continued Rodgers. "But instead of pumping blood like my real one, it just pumps pure awesome throughout my veins. How else would I be able to look so good, and play such good football?"

His teammates are growing tired of his constant taunting about his skills. "If I ever see that #### in a dark alley, I'm going to cut out his "awesome heart" and make him eat it," said one defensive player who asked to remain nameless.

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The Brett Favre story took more twists and turns over the weekend as Favre was told by Packers GM Ted Thompson to stay away from their facilities until he could work something out. Favre told Thompson he has until Wednesday to work something out, or he will put in his reinstatement papers to the league. This story has gripped the nation over the past month and a half, with ESPN even launching their new channel, ESPN Favre yesterday. The new channel covers all the latest happenings in the world of Favre with specials, breaking news, interviews, and a nightly broadcast of their flagship program Favrecenter.

Universal Pictures has said to have acquired the rights to the Favre retirement story from Brett himself. Peter Jackson, director of Lord Of The Rings, has said to be signed on to adapt to story into an epic trilogy called "The Favre: Redemption: Battle For Shadow Tundra: This Time It's Personal." Jackson is excited about the project, not only because it is the longest titled movie of all time, but because it is a story with so much drama.

"I see this as one of the great stories of all time," said Jackson. "It's about a battered and worn avenger, who has given his all to his superiors. But then when he wants to come back for another year, after stringing them along for two straight offseasons and handing the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl in overtime, they for some unknown reason tell him no."

"The first film in the TFRBFST3IP saga will be about Favre as a boy, learning the art of quarterbacking from a wise but dangerous dark QB master, exiled from the NFL for throwing a pass so hard it took off a man's head. Brett has to battle the power of dark quarterbacking, to eventually destroy his mentor in a brutal punt, pass, and kick competition. I watched my 7 year old son do one of these last year, and let me tell you, they can get really intense."

"The second film is a story about his rise to power and his reign as King Lord Bishop of Wisconsin. There will be a lot of time spent in his famous ice castle, where he directs the wars against the various continental powers such as the Viking people to the North and the great Bears and Lions to the east. We're thinking up some epic battle scenes for this thing, imagine Chronicles Of Narnia meets Tron."

"The third film will focus on Favre's attempted comeback, and all the events that have happened recently. A young evil prince named Sir Rodgers will attempt to take his kingdom in a vicious coup. From a small village in Mississippi, Brett will attempt to rally the land to his side with the help o####ypsy woman named Gretta Van Sustren. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but we're thinking about a lightsaber duel with the Arch-Demon Ted Thompson in the Training Fortress Of Infinity. This trilogy is going to be a wild ride, that's for sure."

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The New York Yankees continued their interleague dominance yesterday with a resounding 23-0 win over the visiting Chicago Bears. The Bears looked confused at times during the contest, with Rex Grossman giving up 8 runs in the first inning and was pulled after the second. "Well, I'm still confident that I'll eventually find some type of ball I can throw well, but it obviously isn't a baseball or football," said Grossman after the contest. "I can really gun a soccer ball well, but apparently that isn't even allowed in that sport. It's a shame."

328-pound Bears shortstop/guard Terrence Metcalf made 4 errors in the game and showed very limited range when pivoting to turn the double play. There was talk after the game of sending him back down to the minors to trim off a few hundred pounds. "Look, I'm not even sure of the rules of this damn game," said Metcalf. "These little guys get to run around in front of me, and they yelled at me the one time I tried to tackle one of them who was rounding second. We also have got to wear these #### long pants with stripes. I hate this sport."

Bears GM Jerry Angelo took time after the game to criticize interleague play, and told MLB to move into the 21st century. The 8th inning was especially lengthy after Brian Urlacher caught a hard hit ball to first, yelled out "Interception!", and then ran around the field with it trying to find the Yankees endzone. Umpires and Yankee players chased him around for 20 minutes trying to explain the situation.

New York has been on a big rebound from their early season struggles since interleague play began, having swept the Red Wings and Grizzlies as well. The Grizzlies series was especially surprising, as it was played at Memphis' home court and home sport. But, it looks like anyone can beat the Grizzlies at this point.

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An Illinois federal judge has ruled that the Chicago Bears are legally allowed to terminate the employment of Cedric Benson based on his drunk driving and boating charges. Benson had challenged the team's termination of his contract after two DUI arrests in a month's time. The judge also informed the Bears organization that they are allowed by law to feed him to actual bears in front of the public. Apparently it's a law put on the books by the founders of Illinois who heard about a similar law that originated from the ancient Roman Empire. It stated that any gladiators who were convicted of multiple driving a chariot while under the influence of wine, or 2 DACWHUTIOW's, could be fed to bears, lions, or other vicious animals at the Emperor's choosing in a public forum.

The Chicago Bears organization have announced the ceremony will take place this Saturday at the Chicago Zoo where they will lower Benson into the black bear pit at noon eastern time. He will be basted in a combination of sheep's blood and barbeque sauce before the feeding, and his remains may or may not be cooked and served for lunch depending on how much of him is left afterwards. Animal rights groups are protesting the event, claiming the feeding will no doubt lead to intoxication of the animals due to the usually high blood-alcohol content of Benson.

But most local residents are excited about the opportunity to watch someone, whom they have all hated over the past three seasons for being such a huge bust, be eaten alive by bears. "It's gonna be quite an event," said local Gabe Byrd. "I'm bringing my 2-year-old son to the feeding. It's going to be his first time watching a man get mauled to death by an animal. Wow, I still remember my first time, it's something I consider special to this very day. I made my whole family "I Saw The Bear Eat Benson" t-shirts that we can wear to the event. It's gonna be very cool, and they even said we may get to eat a cooked piece of him afterwards. I hope I can get a piece of his 3.6 yard per carry legs, they sure couldn't do much powering past the line, so I bet that meat is real tender."

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The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood. "They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen."

The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks. They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a longtime Detroit resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we all can't get along."

A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured, this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That was where a pack of wild indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown, resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although the city did smell horrible for several weeks.

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When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

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Rex Grossman was arrested by police over the weeked for a Hovering Under The Influence charge while speeding on his self-made hovercraft on Lake Travis. The Bears quarterback apparently made the hovercraft in his spare time, instead of practicing as can be evidenced by his stats over the years. It is the first known HUI charge in Illinois, but could spur a crackdown on hovercraft drivers all over the country. Grossman was pulled over by Hover-Police at around 2:00 PM on Sunday, where he was asked to submit to a sobriety test. He refused and attempted to throw a wrench at one of the officers, but luckily overthrew him by a great margin.

"He was swerving all around the lake, going left and right, even up and down," said one of the policemen involved in the stop. "It was obvious he was inebriated, so we told him to hover it over to the side of the road. Once there we attempted to get him to walk in a straight line, but he kept falling over, almost like he does when he's getting some light pressure in the pocket. He then started yelling expletives at us, and we had to spray pepper spray in his eyes. Let me tell you that there was nothing I had wanted to do more than that after he got my hopes up in that Super Bowl two years ago. It just felt so good, and I may have emptied the entire bottle into his eyes, and then hit him with my baton a little bit. It wasn't my best moment as an officer, I will admit."

Grossman maintains he was merely testing the hover capabilites of his craft, and was high on nothing but life. "When you're as awesome as Rex Grossman, you're always drunk on just being so great. This should not be illegal," said Grossman in a released statement sure to illicit much sympathy from the public. It is unknown how the incident will affect the already volatile anti-hovercraft movement led by MADH, Mothers Against Drunk Hovercrafting. What if there had been some young kids heading to their graduation on a hovercraft near the lake that Rex could have plowed into? They are looking to take down what they call is a dangerous and gravity-defying vehicle, and this is more ammunition for their cause.

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