In an effort to increase the cool factor of college football to the young audience, ESPN has announced it will give all college football players fake first names like that of Ohio State star runningback Beanie Wells. "We could have told Chris Wells no," said ESPN head Bud McBride. "We could have told him, we don't care what you call yourself. We're a news organization with journalistic standards ,and we're going to use your legal name. But I had my assistant look into it, and we actually have no journalistic standards. So, instead we have chosen to pander to these student athletes and let them choose their own first names from now on. If they don't choose one themselves, we will get Chris Berman really drunk on gin, and then poke him in the gut like the Pillsbury Doughboy until he starts saying random words. Students without chosen names will be assigned one of these Berman words as a first name. This should make for much more colorful commentary and fun player introductions."

Beanie Wells was said to be very happy with the decision by the network, as was Pacman Jones, one of the earliest beneficiaries of their low journalistic standards. Some other players who got Berman names were not so enthusiastic about the change. Syphilis McDougle and Leather Smith were especially vocal about the move, calling it "One of the worst decisions in the history of broadcasting" with McDougle adding "Yes, I have a disease, but how in the hell did Chris Berman even find out about it?"

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Lovie Smith has been fired today by the Chicago Bears for struggling all pre-season to a horrible 0-2 record. This was quite a disappointment for Chicago, who had been favored to do well in the preseason, mainly because they would be playing against backups most of the time instead of real NFL quality players. But their team was devastated by injuries, and they sometimes had to go to 3rd and 4th string players late in games because of it. Starting QB Rex Grossman has passed for a paltry 120 yards on the season, and was benched after only the 1st quarter of some games this year.

"We had hoped to compete for a playoff spot this year," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "But with the preseason half over, and us without a single win, that doesn't leave much time to turn things around. I've been told by the league that we can't make make the playoffs at all no matter what we do in these final two games. But, I don't like to believe that we're playing for nothing, I think these games will matter to getting this team back on track for next year."

"Well, I think we all saw this coming," said a distraught Lovie Smith after hearing the news. "To be winless here at 0-2, with other awful franchises like the Giants and Patriots, it hurts. It hurts this city to be associated with garbage teams like that. I couldn't really settle on my personnel. I think we used 14 different receivers in the last game, that was probably a bad idea. I didn't play some of our really good players. I let my 12 year old son call some plays, because I thought it didn't matter what we did really as long as no one got hurt. But it did matter, we are an embarrassment, and hopefully an interim coach can fix some things and get us turned around."

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Aaron Brown, a man from Des Moines, Iowa has drawn the ire of his closest friends by declaring his allegiance to Azerbaijan for the Olympics. Brown, a huge fan of the Celtics, Giants, Red Sox, and Red Wings says his latest decision was not made because of his tendancy to bandwagon around winning teams. His friends say Brown showed up at their house to watch the night's olympic coverage wearing a Tampa Bay Rays hat and a white t-shirt that had "Baijan 4 Life" written on it in Sharpie, shortly after it was announced they had won a gold medal in Judo. His friends called him a traitor for turning on their own country. "Look," said Brown. "I have always been a huge fan of under 73 kilogram men's judo. That's always been the one event at the Olympics I root for, everyone knows that. My team won, and I'm going to support them. I know a lot about the country. They eat bread and meat, their favorite things to do are activities, and they spend about 1/3 of their time sleeping. It's a great place, doesn't that sound like somewhere you want to live?"


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ESPN has announced that Emmitt Smith will be moving from their main NFL commentary team to head up his own studio show this season. "Janitorial Closet With Emmitt" will debut this season to anyone who happens to be passing near the closet it is being performed in. The decision to move Smith came after witnessing what a horrid announcer he was last season doing analysis for their post-game coverage. Constantly stuttering, making up words and phrases such as "pelaties", "carousing", and his favorite way to describe a bad loss, "blowed out".

Executives told Smith that he will now have a chance to host his own show, and it can be as uncensored and crazy as he wants, just as long as he doesn't get in the way of the janitorial staff. Smith's show will air everyday at 11:00 PM, primetime opposition to their flagship SportsCenter broadcast. ESPN are confident however, that they will not suffer significant loss of viewership. If you are ever in the ESPN offices, you might want to stop by the closet to check it out.

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Originally critics thought Step Brothers to be one of the better Will Ferrall comedies to come out in a long time, mainly due to the fact that it was not based on a wacky sports concept such as Talledega Nights, Semi-Pro, or that one with Napoleon Dynomite about ice skating. But it recently came under review by officials after Andy Reid threw his red challenge flag after watching the film this weekend. "It really wasn't that good," said Reid after leaving the theater. "It's just the same old shtick Farrell always does. These critics need to take a closer look at it, from multiple angles, and then make the right call on whether this is a good film or not."

Referees then announced to the world they would be reviewing the film, as Reid was challenging the fact that the film was not called a "steaming pile of reptile ####" in any published review. They then went behind a giant camera to view the movie in slow motion, just to make sure they hadn't missed anything. Watching the 2 hour movie in such slow motion stretched it out to a staggering 19 hours, and made all dialogue in the film unintelligible. They also ordered extra unused camera angles from the studio to make sure they didn't miss any funny things that may have been out of frame.

After about a day's worth of reviewing, they finally stepped out, turned on their mics, and announced that the call on the field was reversed, and the film is indeed a bunch of steaming reptile #### The crowd in attendance, made up mostly of Will Farrell and the director of the film, booed loudly at the verdict.

"Well, I don't think I laughed at all," said head referee Ed Hochuli. "There was one point near hour 11 where I almost cracked a smile at a funny face John C. Reilly made, but it just didn't happen. I'm sure some Monday morning quarterbacks are going to argue that being able to understand their words would have helped. But I really don't think so, not when the reptile #### is this hot and steaming."

Reid was very happy with the call, and has one more challenge to use this year. He is thinking about using it on Disaster Movie, if anyone dares to give it a decent review, but may save it for something later in the year.

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Jon Gruden sat at his home computer with a smile on his face as he clicked reload and watched the minutes tick down on his bid for Brett Favre on eBay. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach had been watching the auction for weeks, when Favre was listed by the Green Bay Packers for the starting bid of 1 dollar. Towards the beginning of the auction, it looked like either PackinHard4Life or Wisconsinprincess6969 would land Favre after a brutal bidding war. But once the price went about 70 bucks, neither could stay in the race. That was when Gruden put in his bid of $14 million in hopes of adding the superstar to his prized quarterback collection.

Gruden has over 300 old quarterbacks in his home, that he hopes can one day contribute to a championship. When we entered his large estate we found a foyer with Super Bowl winning QB Brad Johnson encased in a plastic case in the middle, presumably to preserve him. As we passed him, with Gruden leading us to his computer room, Johnson begged for water and said not to let Gruden hit him with "the happy stick". We didn't know what that meant, but it sounded fun. We kept walking and passed the Hall Of Quarterbacks, as Gruden called it, where Gannon, Garcia, Plummer, and others were being held.

When we got to the computer, Gruden showed us the bid he had in for Favre, and says he frequently bids on any QBs that appear on the site, but only if they are over 30. "Now, I know a near mint condition Favre sounds like a steal at $14 million, but it's the $6 million shipping that really gets you," said Gruden. "But, that's eBay for you. Once I have him, my collection will be the greatest in the world. I'm going to take some time off in the Fall to tour with the collection in the QB convention circuit. No point in being a collector if you aren't going to show them off."

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ESPN reporters showed up at Green Bay Packers camp today in anticipation of recording Favre's first day on the field, only to discover that there were football players there who were not Brett Favre. John Clayton interrupted live programming on ESPN's Monday Night Favredown to announce that new football players had indeed been discovered. Apparently these other players also are part of the NFL, and play positions as equally important to victory as quarterback. The crew of Favredown had many questions for Clayton such as which of them he thinks will end up being the second string Favre, how many of them look like that can "gunsling", and how does a strong safety work? They were almost ready to accept that players aside from Favre existed in the world, but then Clayton told them about 3 players who were there playing as something called a "tight end".

The crew then laughed heartily and ridiculed Clayton, with Shannon Sharpe saying that "obviously a tight end is another one of the homosexual fantasy creatures you draw in your reporter's notepad and show me in the office. I still remember the Dickicorn you showed me last week, despite my telling you every damn time that I don't want to see or hear about them."

While Clayton was cut off from the broadcast, Chris Mortensen appeared live from that room he sits in with all the phones to tell the crew he just got off a call where an unnamed source told him there may be as many as 31 other teams out there in the world. The crew asked just what this would mean for the future, and Mortensen told of a world where the top story on Sportscenter would be not about Favre, but about another team and person. This discovery could mean a show completely devoid of Favrian updates, and they may even be able to replace the "Favre" position on the score ticker with one that simply says "NFL".

Even more strange was a report by Mortensen that some sort of exhibition game had been played already. The only news organization said to have covered the event was a high school newspaper in Canton, whose teacher made them attend, where they only kind of paid attention while listening to radio updates on Favre's flight from Mississippi to Wisconsin. Therefore information was sketchy, but it's believed to have taken place between a team of horses and one full of sunburned individuals. Other news from their paper included that Kristine was spotted at the movies with Jason and next Wednesday's lunch special is salisbury steak.

The news of other teams and players has completely shaken up the ESPN offices. They even woke up draft guru Mel Kiper, who has been asleep since 1991, the year Favre was the only player taken in the NFL draft. "Things are crazy around here right now," he said. "I'm trying to piece things together, but apparently we've been covering this guy so long we had forgotten about everything else! I also learned I have 3 children at home! I didn't even remember them! This is so exciting!" More information on these developments as they happen.

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Despite an enthusiastic "Eeeehhhhh!" for old time's sake, there was no denying that the Fonze was just a little too old to be cool.

(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

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Steve Smith was suspended for 2 regular season games by the Carolina Panthers for not giving 100% in his fight with teammate Ken Lucas. Smith, who is the team's number one receiver got into an altercation with Lucas during a scrimmage and punched him in the nose. But x-rays showed that the punch was not Smith's best effort. "I've seen him in some bar fights before, and this was not his greatest effort," said head coach John Fox. "X-rays showed only 2 or 3 breaks in the nose, and simply minor surgery will be needed to fix it. If you want to be a starter on this team, you better leave your opponent in a near coma. Hopefully Steve will learn by sitting out a few games." Lucas meanwhile has been promoted on the depth chart to number one pansy, for leaning into the punch so well, and making sure to offer up no resistance to the beating.

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Don Imus is surprisingly still alive and talking on the radio. After being fired last year for calling the Rutgers womens basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hoes", Imus found his way back on the air at a different station. Yesterday controversy surrounded him again over comments he made over Pacman Jones, now of the Dallas Cowboys. Imus, being a 90-year-old who spends most of his time sleeping in a sarcophagus, was unsure who Pacman was. He asked his staff "What color is this guy?" and followed it up with "Isn't he that squinty-eyed yellow guy with the big head who was popular in the 80's for popping pills all the time?" His sidekick chimed in noting that Pacman helped to lay the railroad tracks for modern day videogames.

The comments have angered Asians, who feel the sentiments were highly racist. "We are very unhappy with Mr. Imus using such horrible stereotypes," said Takagi Nguyen of the Asian Defamation League. "To confuse us with someone who was obviously a drug addict who saw crazy things such as ghosts chasing him is very insulting. Also to bring up our railroad building past is just deplorable. Mister Pacman's race is unknown, and the developers say he may just be a floating disembodied head."

Imus has gotten into a controversy before involving Donkey Kong, who he called a "Dark-skinned #### who works in a shipping factory, likes to get drunk, abduct white women, and then throw thousands of dollars worth of merchandise down ramps." He was also critical of the head chef from 80's restaurant Burger Time who Imus claimed had horrible cleanliness standards, including serving burgers off of a complicated system of ladders.

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New England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year. "Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots. "There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the #### Heart, which is the magical giant heart fueled by Boston residents constant gloating about their sports teams, broke down. It supplies all our electricity, you see, and it just went out. Only by believing our team was possible of humiliating weaker opponents next year, and clapping our hands really fast, could we bring it back to life."

Mike Wise, a man who has 11 Patriots tattoos on his body, including a regrettable portrait of Drew Bledsoe, says he took the news harder than most. "Well, you know, I was very upset in the beginning. I went home and killed my family, who I long thought didn't love the Patriots enough. Then I burnt down my entire house, because it was obviously unlucky. But then I realized there's always next year, and our coach will always keep us in the games with his innovative cheating. Plus, now I can get a much younger girlfriend who is impressed by my $60,000 a year construction job and the fact I have my own truck. So, it's a win-win all around."

Other residents shared Mike's sentiment. "I'm just ready to move on, it happened so long ago now," said Bud Wilson, a teacher at Benson High School in southern Boston. "I mean, the Patriots lost. They had a lot to fight for, but in the end England was stronger. Now I have to wear powdered wigs, drink Tab soda, and take a galleon to work. But I'm fine with it. I think I finally am getting my sealegs, and I'm getting used to putting half my yearly salary in cash into an envelope and mailing it to England. They won, I get it, and I'm ok with it finally."

Mike was then informed that the Patriots actually won the Revolutionary War, and was happy but confused.

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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Daniel Snyder announced over the weekend that his Washington Redskins were going to be moving in a new direction. Long he had sought to conquer the NFL and win a championship through experienced coaches and high-priced free agent acquisitions. But then he had an epiphiny. Who better to conquer the world of football than his very own supervillian? That villian was none other than famed nemesis The Zorn.

He was introduced early Monday to the public at a press conference at Redskins world headquarters. "Sure, you can win a championship through hard work and preparation," said Snyder at the podium. "But wouldn't it be a lot easier, and a lot more fun, to get the trophy through other means? What if we ransomed the world under threat of nuclear destruction for a Vince Lombardi Trophy? What if we shrunk all the other teams with a large minification ray? I present to the city of Washington and the world, the man who can make all this happen. I present to you, The Dreaded Zorn!"

The Zorn then came out among a series of boo's of unknown origin, as no one in attendance had heard of him before. "Greetings, people of earth," said The Zorn. "I am here to coach what I am told is called a football team. I don't have much interest in sports or games, but I'm told if I do well I can get these golden footballs presented before me. I am very interested in gold...and chaos...and all-around destruction of society. But gold will do."

"I am told that my henchmen will all be wearing identical maroon uniforms, and their job will be to tackle and hit the other team as hard as they can. This pleases The Zorn. It is very tough to find good henchmen these days. Many of them are non english speaking, or they want health benefits. The Zorn does not provide dental coverage."

'You may remember my work from the 1994 crisis where I attempted to solicit $3 billion dollars from the world's governments by threatening to turn the oceans into Crystal Pepsi. How was I to know that it would be such a commercial failure? The Zorn is not all-knowing. But I do know one thing, the NFL has seen nothing like I am about to unleash upon it! Fear The Zorn and his army! All who stand in our wake shall be destroyed...unless they are the Patriots, in which case we will probably lose by 50 points again. The gold and a championship will be mine! Ahahaha!"

At this point in the press conference The Zorn threw something at the ground which exploded and released a cloud of smoke. When it cleared the podium was empty. The crowd looked at each other amazed, but then Zorn popped back up from behind the stand. "We're going to need to install a trap door or something so that works next time."

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The cast of M*A*S*H were glued to their TV's Monday, anxiously awaiting the news on the ratings for the Super Bowl. When it came out that the game scored 97.5 million viewers, making it the second most-watched program in history behind their 1983 series finale. The game was the most-watched Super Bowl of all time, beating the 1996 championship between Dallas and Pittsburgh.

Every year the cast gathers during big events that have a chance at beating their viewer record. Super Bowls, American Idol finales, any episode of Cavemen. Anything with a huge viewership that could topple thier record that has lasted for almost 30 years. When the ratings announcement came down, and this Super Bowl would not have the perfect record, they popped open the champagne they save every year for this time.

"It's so hard to go undefeated in this day and age," said Hawkeye. "Everyone is always nipping at your heels with a new reality show or TV finale, but we've managed to stand the test of time. After this win it really shows what out accomplishment meant."

"It feels so good to pop open that champagne," said Hot Lips Houlihan. "We can't actually drink it, because most of us are suffering from kidney failure. So we pour it into the sink and all have an Ensure. Also, Sherman Potter is about 70% dead, but he likes the loud pop and the bubbles. So we do it mostly for him."

"Every year I put on the dress one more time, thinking it could be my last," added Klinger. "But every year the ratings come out and we are still number one. I thought there should be an asterisk next to this Super Bowl, if it did somehow beat us anyway. The whole spygate fiasco really increased viewership in this game by making everyone hate the Pats more. That's cheating, to make a scandal like that in hopes it gets more viewers."

The M*A*S*H cast is safe for one more season. But in the free agent era, it's unlikely anyone will challenge the record again.

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New England Patriots, your team has just lost Super Bowl XLII! Now it's time to celebrate with the official Super Bowl Loser merchandise, available only from NFL Shop! Own a piece of history with some of these great items:

Why not pick up the Patriots: Super Bowl Losers Sombrero? It's the same sombrero that Univision edited onto the head of Tom Brady during their Spanish-language broadcast. Celebrate failure with not just a hat that reminds you of the game's result, but also the most ridiculous piece of headwear outside of those poofy hats your mom used to make you wear in the winter. It's double the embarassment for supporting the team that lost the big one!

How about the "18-1 Is Pretty Good" hoodie. Only from NFL Shop, now you can dress like your coach and sport the phrase that he will be telling himself all off-season. On the back it says "Don't worry, we'll be back, our division still has the Jets, Dolphins, and Bills in it!"

Or maybe pick up the ultimate item for the ultimate fan, a 9 millimeter Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol. You just lost $10 grand on the game, everyone at the office is going to be ragging on you all year, and your team will no longer be remembered as the best of all-time. Why not just end it all? With the Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol, you won't need a suicide note, the pistol will be all the evidence the police need. Also good for normal murders! Just place the pistol in the hands of the victim after, and the cops won't ask questions, they'll know the reason for the crime! Order today!

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