The Sports Comedian - SportsComedian.com
by: TheSportsComedian
TheSportsComedian's posts about:
NCAA FB Kickoff  NCAA FB > NCAA FB Kickoff
more NCAA FB Kickoff posts
Page 1 of 2
1
2
Men Excited That Beer & Truck Ad Season Has Returned
Aug 28, 2008 | 6:38AM | report this

Men everywhere are extremely anxious for the start of Truck and Beer Ad season to begin next week. It has been a long offseason for the Beer and Truck business, with some Germans buying a large portion of one and gas prices hurting the other. People are excited to catch up with the old gang, and see what has happened since last year's commercials. Over the winter and summer, men have been forced to watch their favorite spots on DVD, as during regular dramas and sitcoms you only get one or two beer/truck commercials per break. But now every Sunday you can watch 3 hours of nonstop advertisements, and maybe more depending on how many games are being shown locally.

"Me and my friends are really stoked for these to start up again," said Sam Patterson, a resident of Oakland, California. "I bought a new plasma HDTV so I can watch them all in high definition this year. My buddies are all coming over every Sunday so we can see what kinds of unrealistically rugged terrain trucks are driving over this week, or what kind of illogical stress tests demonstrating horse power they are being put through. We want to know where a multi-ethnic group of guy friends are going to be hanging out, drinking beer, and hitting on white girls who are way out of our league. Beer and truck ads is the best show on television!"

Some guys have already had their fantasy beer and truck drafts already. Coors Light was the consensus number one in Sam's draft because as he put it, "They have a giant #### train! You can't stop a giant #### train..." He is also hoping that Labatt Blue and Hyundai, two late round picks can turn into sleepers this year. He was looking for depth at the truck position. He may have got it with Hyundai, who has apparently created a special hyper-futuristic testing facility in the desert, staffed by only hot blonds in labcoats, to test their trucks in.

Last time on Bud Light, the group guy friends was attending a wine and cheese party, where they cleverly hid beer bottles in their cheese. The main, not too handsome and easily relatable, white guy was leaving the party to make a secret cheese run. But will he get caught? Was the store out of cheese-beer? We will find out next Sunday, and the world can not wait for the conclusion.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
4 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NFL, NFL, NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, The Sports Comedian
 
NCAA Bans Horse Collars From Football, Horse Colleges Angry
Aug 21, 2008 | 7:39AM | report this

The NCAA today announced a ban of the horse collar at all football games this season. Using one will be a 15 yard personal foul on the defense. The news has angered several of the all-horse colleges around the country who claim it could lead to chaos at their games.

"How are we supposed to operate?" said Dan Sange, president of Equine Technical College in Texas. "Without horse collars, our all-horse team and student body will be able to just walk anywhere they please, #### anywhere they want, maybe even eat the playing field. What happens when we set off the fireworks for their team entrance? It could cause a stampede of epic proportions! And I don't want to be the one to explain to a parent that I let their horseson or horsedaughter pull a cart home drunk after a day of tailgating! The NCAA can explain it to them, because this is just ridiculous..."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
Add a comment   categories: College Football, NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, Austin Longhorns, The Sports Comedian
 
Michigans Sign Car With 5-Star Crash Test Rating
Feb 06, 2008 | 9:53AM | report this

Ohio State announced today it had signed running back Lamaar Thomas, a 5-star recruit ranked number 43 nationally. Not to be outdone on national signing day, Michigan quickly made headlines of their own by signing the 2008 Toyota Corolla, recipient o####overnment 5-star crash test rating. The Corolla made history last year, becoming the first car in history to play high school football.

The Toyota Corolla, long known for it's affordability and reliability, made the transition to football at Green Hills High School in Lansing during it's senior season. The coach offered a position on the team to Corolla after seeing it playing catch after school in the parking lot. "Well, Corolla had been at the school for a couple of years," said coach Rich Dominguez. "It played oboe in the band, it hosted the morning announcements, it was sort of the big man on campus. All the girls wanted to get in it's back seat. You know how it goes. But I saw something in the parking lot one day while it was catching passes from our QB. This car had something, something special. So I offered it our starting runningback spot, and the rest is history."

History was made when the car drove for a record 1760 yards, or 1 mile during the course of the season. Opponents often complained about the fact a car was on the other team, and they thought it unfair you were able to put the football in front seat and then lock the doors. But there were no rules expressly forbidding motorized vehicles from playing in a game, unless someone was driving them. Green Hills ran into trouble in the state playoffs when rival Archstone High started a locksmith at linebacker. He was able to break into the car and cause several first half fumbles. But Corolla compensated at halftime and changed to a trunk carry approach.

The scouting report on the Toyota Corolla says it is a bruising running back, who caused more than 30 injuries in high school. It can play well in all weather conditions and gets great gas mileage, meaning running out in the middle o####ame is not likely. It did have a little injury trouble in high school, when before the big state championship it had to go in for an oil change. There are also some concerns that college life may get to the young car, and maybe turn him on to trying some illegal engine additives.

Ohio State is very angered by the signing, as they had hoped to land the rare player. They have now shifted recruiting efforts to a police roadblock stopping strip out of Florida in hopes of stopping Michigan's star player when the two play. But the stopping strip is said to be leaning towards Miami.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
Add a comment   categories: Ann Arbor Wolverines, Columbus Buckeyes, NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan Wolverines, Ohio State Buckeyes, TheSportsComedian
 
TSC Receives Invite To Wrong Senior Bowl
Jan 23, 2008 | 9:21AM | report this

 When The Sports Comedian received an invite to this year's Senior Bowl in the mail, we were all very excited. As an outlet of fake news, it is very rare that we get media credentials to actual sporting events. But we packed our bags, booked a flight, and got ready to watch the top prospects in college football compete against each other. But when we got to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, we realized that we were just invited to a local fundraiser for their Moose Lodge.

We entered the Park Lanes, a bowling establishment that smelt of Ben-#### and embalming fluid. Every lane was filled to the brim with people bearing white hair and loose-fitting pastel clothes. We took a seat down at the bar and ordered a beer, sad but unsurprised, to find out they only served Milwaukee's Best. After popping a few of those down the hatch we looked across the bar to see none other than the hair, the myth, the legend, Mel Kiper Jr.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I scout everything," replied Mel, not taking his eyes off the bowlers for a second. "I even scouted you last night Tim Hoffman."

"How do you know my name?" I replied. "I wasn't even here last night I was home...with my girlfriend..."

"I know that. And your technique was a little sloppy. You're a bit undersized for your position, and you can get easily frazzled in the pocket."

I was shocked and embarassed. "What the hell? You saw everything?"

"Yes, and I saw you try to go deep there in the end," said Mel. "I've never seen someone more off target. How do you miss anyway? That's going to drop you to the second day, I'm thinking 6th round, if you're lucky."

"Alright, enough about me. What do you see out there? Any contenders for this year's draft?"

"I like Clarence there, he's got a great release on the ball. He could teach you a few things there. He's also got a quickness to his feet, I really like the way he approaches the line. I think the fact that he's 82 could hurt him in the eyes of a few general managers, but it's nothing that can't be worked on. I have him as a 4th round selection on my Big Board, maybe going to Arizona, possibly San Francisco."

We sat amazed for the next 2 hours as Kiper dissected everything around us and placed it somewhere on his "Big Board". The man truly is a legend.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
1 Comment | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Baton Rouge Tigers, Los Angeles Trojans, Athens Bulldogs, TheSportsComedian, Colt Brennan, Senior Bowl
 
LSU Player Trades BCS Trophy To Pawn Shop For Used Bike
Jan 10, 2008 | 7:50AM | report this

 LSU is in dismay this morning when it learned that running back Keiland Williams had traded the BCS Championship crystal ball trophy in to a pawn shop in exchange for a used bicycle.

"Hey, I won the trophy as much as anyone else on this team. Why couldn't I do whatever I wanted with it? What are you going to do with a trophy anyway? You can't get much use out of it. I tried playing catch using the ball with my 3-year-old son, but it broke his nose. But a bike, that you can actually ride around and stuff."

At about 11:43 PM Keiland took the trophy in to On Golden Pawn, a pawn shop in downtown Baton Rouge, where he traded it for the bike. The bicycle in question is a Schwinn 18-speed all-purpose bike. It is magenta with streamers on the handle bars and a horn on the top.

Keiland rode the bike onto campus the next day to find police surrounding the athletic facilities. "Apparently they had been called to investigate the theft of the trophy. I didn't know they would find out so fast, I wanted to surprise everyone. So I rode the bike into coach's office and told him I got something we could all use in exchange for the stupid trophy. To say he was a little made is a bit of an understatement..."

Les Miles took the police and Williams to the pawn shop where they attempted to buy back the trophy, but it had already been purchase. The buyer is an 82-year-old grandmother who lives alone with her 11 cats. They went to her house and attempted to persuade her to give back the football, but she had already broken it in half and started using it as a candy dish. She said if she were to give it up, she would have no place to put her Mr. Goodbars, and that was unacceptable.

Les Miles attempted to make the best of the incident and now has the bike on display in a glass case when you first walk into the athletic facility. "Now we can't even ride the thing," said Keiland. "What a stupid thing to do with such a nice bike."


SportsComedian.com

Discuss this article in the Forum!
5 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, LSU, Les Miles, LSU Tigers, Ohio State, Ohio State Buckeyes, BCS, BCSFootball, TheSportsComedian, College Football, Baton Rouge Tigers, Columbus Buckeyes
 
Ohio State Inducted Into 2nd Place Hall Of Fame
Jan 08, 2008 | 8:03AM | report this

 With the big 38-24 loss to LSU behind them, Ohio State hurriedly got on a plane to head back north. Not because they were in a rush to get back to their families, but because they were the latest inductees at the 2nd Place Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony. The 2PHOF is a place where the almost best of the best are honored and enshrined for the rest of the world to come and see what a loser looks like, but a pretty damn good loser.

The Hall is home to sports teams such as the Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals, New Jersey Nets, and every current tennis player not named Roger Federer. The hall also features famous second place people and things from other venues such as Justin Guarini from American Idol, The USSR from the Cold War, and Betamax tapes. It even features some odd entries such as Pamela Anderson's left breast, which was voted less attractive than her right in a 1996 internet poll.

The ceremony was held in the Sheraton Hotel in Cleveland, just across the street from the top-rated Marriott. Their award presenter was none other than Kelly Wiglesworth, who finished second to a fat naked #### man on the first Survivor. "We are here tonight to honor a team that exemplifies the very definition of Second Place," began her speech. "They have many times finished second in the Big 10, second to Michigan, but this year they have taken their mediocrity to new levels. Last year, when they were predicted to destroy Florida, what did they do? Lose! That's what! This year when they were predicted to get destroyed by LSU, did they play the part of the valiant underdog and play their hearts out? Of course not! They lost big again! This is a team and a school that has finished second in 3 national championships in a row, spanning 2 different sports. They are a great examples for people everywhere to say, you might be really good, but there is always someone better than you. Maybe you shouldn't even try. For that, we thank you Ohio State. Come up and accept your award."

OSU coaches and players then went up on the stage to accept a ball trophy made out of silver instead of crytal. They were forced to stand on a second place podium while the LSU fight song played over the loudspeakers. Another great chapter in the extensive history of second place sports at Ohio State.


SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
6 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Ohio State, Ohio State Buckeyes, LSU, LSU Tigers, Baton Rouge Tigers, Columbus Buckeyes, BCS, BCSFootball, TheSportsComedian, Les Miles
 
Picture Of The Day: Mangino Rejects This Offering
Jan 04, 2008 | 7:59AM | report this

Mark Mangino rejects the post-game offering of citrus after the Orange Bowl due to it's lack of being fried, covered in powdered sugar, or being a meat lover's pizza. "Next year we better get an invite to the Chik-Fil-A or Papajohns.com Bowl!" said an angry Mangino.

(Getty Images)

SportsComedian.com
1 Comment | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Mark Mangino, Kansas Jayhawks, Lawrence Jayhawks, Orange Bowl, BCS, BCSFootball, Virginia Tech Hokies, Virginia Tech, Blacksburg Hokies, TheSportsComedian, Picture Of The Day
 
Coach Allergic To Gatorade Killed In Celebratory Dousing
Jan 03, 2008 | 7:48AM | report this

 In the final minutes of West Virginia's big 48-28 win over Oklahoma yesterday in the Fiesta Bowl, interim head coach Bill Stewart received his first Gatorade bath. It was an exciting moment for the coach, who will take over as head coach for Rich Rodriguez next season full-time. But it serves as a reminder of the horrific incident back in 2000 when the head coach of a high school team in Arkansas was killed when his team doused him in Gatorade following their first win of the season.

As it turns out, the coach was highly allergic to Gatorade, especially Gatorade X-Factor Fierce Wild Berry Frost Rain, the flavor in the dispenser that day. "He had a severe allergy to Gatorade in general, but when you combine that with his allergies to water, berries, and fierceness, he had no chance," said family physician Gary Hardy. "I've been warning Gatorade for years they're putting too much fierceness in their drinks. And now they are adding X-Factor in as well? This stuff is gonna kill a lot of kids with allergies to ambiguous action verbs."

The scene unfolded in a horrible fashion as the coach was covered in the Gatorade right before the game ended, and proceeded to melt into a pile of steaming goo before his players eyes. His last words were "I'm melting! I'm melting! I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" It's unknown what that meant, but it's assumed it was a last inspiring message to his team that only they understood. Play was suspended on the field as everyone stood shocked. Many players and people in the stands vomited.

Paramedics attempted mouth to mouth on the steaming goo, but it had no effect. Then green winged #### wearing bellhop uniforms descended on the pile of goo and began eating it, forcing everyone else in the stadium who had not already done so, to vomit.

The team persevered though, and went on to win the state championship. They kept a little piece of their coach goo and put it in the tiny cup on top of the trophy. "It's what he would have wanted," said former QB Frank Yastremski. "He showed us you have to face the fierceness in the world, even if it melts you to sludge. That's a lesson I'll never forget...Probably because it was so horribly disgusting."


SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
4 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Morgantown Mountaineers, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, Norman Sooners, Oklahoma, Rich Rodriguez, Bill Stewart, TheSportsComedian, NFL, NFL
 
2008 Is Here - We Open Our 1998 Time Capsule
Jan 02, 2008 | 8:41AM | report this

Way back in 1998, the time of the dinosaurs, the staff here at TSC had the foresight to plant a time capsule with a few sports predictions for the next ten years. This was back in the earliest days of our site, when we were just a webpage drawn on a cave wall. One day we were all sitting around in our thatch huts, when a smoke signal from a neighboring tribe alerted us to the new year. Although verbal communication had not yet been invented in 1998, we all knew that a good website bit would be to make a time capsule of our current thoughts and open them again in a decade. We spent many days, as we were a tribe without fire, writing down the contemporary sports thoughts of the day. Given our vast sports knowledge and insight, we expected our predictions to be spot on as always, but as you can see, some of them turned out to be just a little off. . .

• The Battle to Reach 61: 1998 was the year that the record that could never be broken finally fell. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa battled it out all season and both ended up shattering Roger Maris’ record of 61. McGwire’s 71 is a record that will stand for years. I just don’t see anyone breaking it unless they come up with some kind of undetectable super drug that allows players to artificially add muscle mass and extend their careers into their early 40s, and I think we all know that’s not possible.

• Bulls Win 3rd Straight, Again: The Bulls won their 3rd straight title and their 6th in the last eight years. After the season, Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson both said goodbye to the game for good. I for one am sorry to see Michael go, but at least I won’t ever have to see him wear another team’s jersey. As for Phil, I always thought he was overrated as a coach. There’s no way he could win a championship without Jordan, so good thing he quit when he did.

• Tiger Who?: After winning the 1997 Masters, Tiger Woods failed to win another major the rest of 1997 and all of 1998. In fact, he only won 1 PGA tour event all season. I don’t know what everyone saw in this guy, but I have one word for you “O-VER-RA-TED.” Remember, you heard it here first. What a stupid name anyway. With something that silly, he will never be able to get any goood marketing deals.

• Return of the Bronx Bombers: The Yankees won their second World Series title in the last three years this fall. Just a side note, the Yankees payroll this season was over $63 million dollars, which is nuts. There is no way they can keep this up. By the time you read this, MLB will have a salary cap like the NFL and the Yankees won’t be able to sign away other team’s all stars.

• Ricky wins the Heisman: This year Ricky Williams of Texas set the all time NCAA rushing record on his way to winning the Heisman Trophy. Talk about a kid with a bright future, this guy is going to be breaking records in the NFL for years, bet the house on it. If NFL executives have any sense, they will do whatever they have to do to draft this guy next year. Best of all he's a great role model to young people about staying out of trouble and off of drugs.

• Passing of a Legend: Harry Caray, one of the most loved broadcasters of all time passed away just before MLB spring training. For reasons unknown to us here at TSC, someone in the Cubs front office came up with the brilliant idea of allowing celebrities to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” during the seventh inning. I know, sounds crazy, but no doubt the Cubs will come to their senses next year and stop celebrities from singing before someone really embarrasses themselves.


SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
Add a comment   categories: MLB, MLB, NFL, NFL, NBA, New York Yankees, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Mark McGwire, TheSportsComedian, NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Ricky Williams
 
Hawaii Fires Mascot After Embarassing Loss To Georgia
Jan 02, 2008 | 8:37AM | report this

The University of Hawaii has announced today it has fired it's mascot, Vili The Warrior, after a horrific 41-10 bludgeoning in the Sugar Bowl by Georgia. After going undefeated in the regular season, the Warriors hoped to follow in the footsteps of recent non-BCS undefeateds Utah and Boise State by winning a big bowl. But Georgia scored early and often, capitalizing on multiple mistakes by quarterback Colt Brennan, who many believed to be the best QB in the country. His strange 3/4 sidearm delivery was on display for all the country to see on New Year's Day, and it looked like a disaster as he tossed 3 interceptions and was pulled in the 3rd quarter.

But blame is not falling on the QB or the coach for his soft regular season scheduling. Instead the team is blaming the loss on Vili The Warrior, Hawaii's mascot. A scary fat man in body paint, Vili has been released by the team for failing to properly frighten the other team and motivating his own. "We need a mascot that strikes fear into the heart of our enemies," said head coach June Jones. "Cartoon animals are scary. Did you see that bulldog on the sidelines?! He was wearing a hat! That's insane! A normal guy in body paint who can never close his mouth? That's just strange. Also, inspired by his rotundness, the team has eaten way too much pineapple of the past month. It no doubt slowed them down a step or two."

Vili now goes into the unemployment line with "Skirt-wearing embodiment of Hawaiian Rainbow Warrior" as his only previous job. "This will be a tough person to place in another job," said job specialist Tom Terry. "I've done a lot of work with mascots in the past. I got Buster Bronco, the anthropomorphic horse from Boise State, an accounting job. But let me tell you, it was not easy. People are reluctant to hire mascots because of their reputation for being overly cheery, and communicating solely through pantomime."

The team says it will replace Vili with a more physically fit mascot who has a more conventional throwing motion. Head candidates for the job are Steely McBeam, Chi Majing(a Chinese import mascot), and Bobby Petrino, who is already looking for a new job.


SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
2 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Honolulu Warriors, Hawaii Warriors, Georgia Bulldogs, TheSportsComedian, BCS, BCSFootball, Colt Brennan
 
Michigan Makes Coaching Decision, Going Stag Next Year
Dec 13, 2007 | 7:33AM | report this
By Contributing Writer Matt Webb

 The search is apparently over to fill what was once one of the top coaching positions in all of college football. “We’ve made a decision,” said Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin, “we’ve decided that we are hiring nobody to coach the team next season. We want to find ourselves next season, and this is the best way to do it.”

After season opening loses to Appalachian State and Oregon, it became clear that things were growing icy between Michigan and longtime coach Lloyd Carr. “Lloyd’s a great guy,” said Martin, “and there will always be a special place in our heart for him. But things were getting stale between us lately; there was just no spark, so we felt we needed to make a clean break.”

Reports indicated that following the Carr split, Michigan heavily pursued both Greg Schiano of Rutgers and Les Miles of LSU, both of whom told Martin that he was a nice guy and all, but that they just didn’t see themselves ending up with an A.D. like him. “The rumors about Miles turning us down are true,” admitted Martin, “He told us he had just come out of an intense contract negotiation and wasn’t ready to jump into another one this soon.” But Martin disputed rumors that Sciano spurned Michigan’s advances. “He’s lying, that was totally a mutual decision. We both just realized we didn’t have anything in common. Plus, he had that kind of crazy look in his eyes that made me think he might end up stalking us if things didn’t work out.”

As for the decision to go without a head coach next season, Martin pointed out that next year was “an important year for Michigan and we’ve just come to the realization that we can’t be tied down to just one coach.” Martin stated that while Michigan plans to keep its options open, the school has always been attracted to sexy, young up-and-coming coaches willing to experiment. “We’ve had older, experienced coaches,” Martin explained, “and that’s definitely been good for us and we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, but we think its time to ####e things up a little at the Big House.”

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
3 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Ann Arbor Wolverines, Michigan, Michigan Wolverines, Les Miles, TheSportsComedian
 
Captain Petrino Abandons Falcons Ship In Display Of Onsetting Insanity
Dec 12, 2007 | 8:34AM | report this

 It was a scene the likes of which haven't been witnessed since "Das Boot". At approximately 4:00 AM Tuesday a frantic Bobby Petrino burst out of the restroom at the head offices at Falcons headquarters screaming. "There's a leak in the main reactor line!" shouted Patrino as he ran down the hallway, as other building employees came out of their offices to find out what the commotion was. "We're going down, we're going down! Batton down the hatches and prepare to abandon ship!" Petrino continued to scream other submarine-related nonsense as he ran into owner Arthur Blank's office.

"Sir! I need to use your intercom immediately, we have to inform the crew!" he said as he picked up the microphone sitting on Blank's desk.

"What the hell is going on Bobby? Are there terrorists in the building?!"

"No sir, it's the Germans. They hit us bad," he replied as he flipped on the intercom. "Attention crew of the Falcons. We have sustained a torpedo impact to our main reactor line, and are taking on water! We must abandon ship immediately! All crew to their emergency stations!"

With that Petrino pulled out a large yellow box into the room from out in the hallway. He pulled a red strip on the side and it inflated quickly into a large raft. "Bobby! What in God's name is happening right now?!" yelled Blank, trying to be heard over the loud inflation mechanism.

"I'm getting us out of here sir. I know it's customary for the Captain to go down with the ship, but I can't allow that to happen," replied Petrino. With that he grabbed the 1998 NFC Championship trophy sitting on the desk and began to use it to smash through the window overlooking the parking lot. Once a large enough hole was made he grabbed the raft and put the front through the opening. "Let's go sir!"

"I'm not going anywhere you nut job! We're on the second story of this building, we'll probably die from the fall!" said a confused and frustrater Blank.

"The sharks won't get us Captain! We have to make the jump before the ship goes under!" yelled Petrino grabbing Arthur's tie. He attempted to pull him into the raft by it, but Blank grabbed the desk and held on for dear life. "Sir, you must come with me!" Blank reached for his scissors, managing to just grab them and quickly cut his tie. Petrino and the raft went flying out of the window and onto a car below.

When janitorial staff examined the bathroom he had been in earlier when the commotion started they found a yernal that would not stop flushing, and a gameplan recapping the Falcons latest blowout loss. Later that day, Arkansas announced Bobby Petrino as it's new head coach.


SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
5 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NFL, NFL, NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Fayetteville Razorbacks, Arkansas, Bobby Petrino, Atlanta Falcons, TheSportsComedian, Arkansas Razorbacks, Michael Vick
 
Tim Tebow First Person Named Tebow To Do Anything Of Note
Dec 07, 2007 | 7:56AM | report this

 Tim Tebow won the Maxwell Award, for the best offensive player, and the O'Brien Award, for the best quarterback, on Thursday night. He is also the heavy favorite to win the Heisman, which would make him the first underclassman to win the award for best college player. This win comes as big news to the Tebow family, and for Tebows everywhere, as Tim becomes the first Tebow to do anything of note ever.

"For a long time we have been trying to get the name Tebow out there among the people," said Vincent Tebow, leader of the Tebow Awareness Group. His is an organization of the 7 people in the world named Tebow who are focused on getting the name associated with something famous. "We just want people to know that Tebow is even a name. Many people thought we were an animal, a body part, or even a bizarre type of Indian curry for awhile. We've been trying to get the name associated with something in forever. We grew so desperate at one point we started leaking various Tebows as the people behind big events. Tom Tebow Invents Electric Shoes, George Tebow Kidnaps Queen Of Norway, Katie Tebow Actually Responsible For 9/11. But eventually the major news outlets started ignoring our press releases, and many blocked our fax number. But with Tim taking this award finally we can have something all Tebows can be proud of."


SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
6 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, College Football, Tim Tebow, Gainesville Gators, Florida Gators, TheSportsComedian
 
Les Miles' Head Signs Hat Extension With LSU, Rest Of Miles Angry
Dec 06, 2007 | 7:58AM | report this

 Les Miles' head announced today that it has signed a 4-year extension with LSU. The deal was for an estimated 100 dollars, and will mean Miles' head can only wear LSU hatwear even if the rest of him should go to Michigan. The deal sent shockwaves throughout the college football landscape, and the rest of Miles' body was visibly upset at the news. "How can my head just go and do this!" said an angry Miles during an interview. "This is just silly! I told it we were going to wait until the season is over before we consider offers for both hats and coaching vacancies, but it went and did this behind my back. It reminds me of the time I was sleeping in a hotel room and my head woke up, dragged the rest of my body to the minibar with it's teeth, and got us all drunk in the middle of the night. I don't know what happened next, but I woke up naked on a balcony chair with an illegal Guatemalan immigrant boy. Needless to say, that was pretty hard to cover up."

"Look, as the body part who wears the hats in this relationship, I think it's my choice as to who I sign with," said Miles' head. "LSU has always been very good to me. Their hats are both well-insulated and moisture-wicking. I don't see what the big deal is. Even if we want to go to Michigan, we'll still look good on the sidelines in an LSU hat. Their colors are similar anyway!"

The rest of Les Miles body grew upset at this point. "Look head! It's not even a good deal you signed! 100 dollars over 4 years?! Were you into the tequila again last night?"

"I don't feel I have to answer that. Let's just say that the LSU athletic director did treat me to a fine Mexican rstaurant."

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Les Miles right arm, adding to the conversation, "If we body parts want to sign our own deals, that's our business. I'm not gonna say anything is guaranteed at this point, but let's just say Nike and I are close on a deal to wear one of those ridiculous basketball player single-arm sleeves."

Les Miles would have shaken his head in frustration at this point, if only he was in control of it.

(Story Suggested By Matt Webb)


SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!
3 Comments | Add a comment   categories: NCAA FB, College Football, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, LSU, LSU Tigers, Baton Rouge Tigers, Les Miles, TheSportsComedian
 
LSU & OSU Lock Themselves In Bank Vault To Prevent Loss
Dec 03, 2007 | 8:03AM | report this

 Over the weekend Missouri and West Virginia choked away chances to play for the National Championship when both lost embarrassingly. This left Ohio State and LSU as the two teams mediocre enough to play in the BCS Championship. But neither are taking any chances and have locked themselves into a New Orleans bank vault in order to prevent either of them from losing before the actual game.

"We know what being number one or number two means these days," said LSU head coach Les Miles. "We have both agreed to stay here inside the bank vault until the actual game comes. This way there is no possibility we can lose. The vault is going to open every week for a delivery of food, water, and air. We have specified to the bank that these items can only be delivered by employees who have never played any kind of football at any level. This way we can't lose to them either."

"It's going to be a tough month, no doubt," added OSU coach Jim Tressel. "But even though we will be dehydrated, suffering from muscle atrophy, and pale with allergies to sunlight when we emerge, we feel it will be worth it. Yes, this is the only way we don't have to face another team before the big game."

"It's time Jim. Let's close that door now," said Miles as he out his hand on Tressel's shoulder. "We'll see the rest of you media types in a month!"

The door started to close when a member of the press gathered outside asked "Wait, what if you lose to each other while you're in there?"

"No! Wait, hold the do-" was all that was heard from Jim Tressel as the vault slammed shut.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

2 Comments | Add a comment   categories: College Football, NCAA FB, NCAA FB Kickoff, NCAA FB Kickoff, BCS, BCSFootball, LSU, LSU Tigers, Ohio State Buckeyes, Ohio State, OSU, Jim Tressel, Les Miles, BCS Championship, TheSportsComedian
 
« Continue reading The Sports Comedian - SportsComedian.com
Page 1 of 2
1
2
ABOUT ME


TheSportsComedian
Welcome to The Sports Comedian: The Worldwide Leader In Sports Satire! We wheel and deal in the very best fake comedy news. As a warning, all our stories are fake. The quotes, people, and places mentioned probably aren't real. The articles might be based on real events, but it's all just funny nonsense.

So join The Sports Comedian crew as we bring you the wild world of sports with a humorous touch. Also, check out our official site at

SPORTSCOM
EDIAN.com

and leave comments on articles, post on the boards, and vote in polls. Check back daily for the latest news updates!

Time stamping is done in Pacific Time.