After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

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Even the best laid offensive gameplans can go awry when hit with a well-timed defensive move known in some circles as...the b*tch slap.

(AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

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If there was ever a worst day for the city of New York, it would be the day it was announced there would be an NBA team there called the New York Knickerbockers. If there was ever a second worst day, it would be last night's 104-59 thrashing at the hands of the Boston Celtics. It was yet another example of the new motto Isaiah Thomas' has had painted on the locker room walls and tried to instill in his team, "Just Give Up".

It's part of a revolutionary new approach to the game no one has taken before, and Thomas thinks it may just be the thing to turn these Knicks around. "Look, we've seen what happens when we try to actually play. We lose. So why not just give up?" said Thomas in a post-game interview. "Everything we were doing before wasn't working. So if we do the exact opposite, maybe we can get some wins. I've told the team to start giving up on everything, and hopefully we can lull some teams into a false sense of security." When asked what would happen once the other teams were lulled he said, "I really haven't thought that far ahead. I'm gonna be honest, I'm actually drunk as balls right now...As I am during every game."

Despite the plan being formulated while he was drunk, Isiah has moved fully ahead with integrating it into everything the team does. T-Shirts were made for fans with "Just Give Up!" emblazoned on the front along with the Knicks logo. When the Knicks made a rally in the second quarter to cut the deficit to 40 points, the fans knew they had to chant "Just Give Up" to get the team back to playing the way they know how. Players are being sent to schools to teach kids the value of the motto. Nate Robinson elaborated, "I had a little boy in a class today say he wanted to be an astronaut. That's all well and good, but very few people make it to space, and you have to go through all that hard training. I told him to just give up, and maybe he could be a nice garbageman or something. That requires no training. I think we're really changing lives here!"

The motto was in full swing out on the court where players were seen giving up on plays, shots, and the game in general en route to almost their lowest point total ever. In the picture here, players can be seen giving up like only they can. Jamal Crawford, a shooting guard who was 6-5 and 198 pounds last week has ballooned to 348 pounds as he has given up on both exercise and healthy eating. Stephon Marbury was even seen on the sidelines repeatedly holding his breath. Apparently he was attempting to give up breathing, but was sadly unsuccessful, resulting in a berating by Isiah Thomas. He wants to make sure all his players know the meaning of the word "quit".

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