Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
Perkins said “Oops,
my bad.” But the damage had been done, and the game was suspended for
several minutes as the remains of Pierce were removed from the vat and
the blood was washed off the court. The crowd then had to wait as a
judge was called in for an impromptu hearing wherein Perkins was found
guilty of three counts of “2nd Degree Harcore Ballin” and taken off to
jail. Down two players, it seemed all was lost for the Celtics in their
first Finals visit in two decades.
But in dramatic fashion, the
skeleton of Pierce emerged from the locker room with about five minutes
left in the third quarter as the Boston crowd went wild. This is only
the third time in NBA Finals history a player has come back from the
dead during a game. “Well, luckily back in the locker room we have a
well-trained staff of King’s horses and King’s men, and they were able
to put Paul Pierce together again,” said GM Danny Ainge.
Pierce
proceeded to unload 11 more points on the Lakers after his return,
showing a quickness that could only be attributed to the electricity in
the building, or his lack of skin and vital organs. “I knew I had to
come back from the dead in order for our team to have a shot at this
thing,” said an exhausted Pierce after the game. “I got up to Heaven
and I was about to go in those golden gates. But then I thought, this
team needs me, this city needs a championship, Boston has had so few of
them recently. So I told God “All ballers don’t go to heaven, I gotta
bounce”. Then I dribble criss-crossed around God’s royal guards that
tried to stop me from leaving and got back into my body and onto the
court.”
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant,
the stars of the series say their decision to leave was based primarily
on money. "We've really enjoyed all the time we've had here in the
NBA," said Garnett. "All those fun game 7's we gave them. But, now
after all that we just want to get paid like we deserve. We were hoping
for a big payday from the league for their finals, but they told us
that apparently we already have contracts and won't be getting any more money! I don't know what kind of #### that is, but we can do better elsewhere."
The
series announcers will be from the NHL, and they are still growing
accustomed to the change in sport. They started reviewing NBA playoff
tapes in preparation for their commentary and were shocked at just how
filthy some of the players were. "You couldn't even see some of their
faces they were so dirty," said one announcer. "But I'm told those are
merely what are called 'Black People'. We certainly don't have those
where I'm from. But wow, this sport is certainly exciting. I never knew
something could have this much fun scoring and a sensible even number
of periods. I'm really liking it, and I think the fans will too."
Even Bill Belichick agrees that these are the ugliest and
most un-revealing uniforms in the history of cheerleading. The Celtics
did not deserve to win this game.
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Paxson vowed that
having all the lottery winnings will not change who his team is. "We're
still going to be the same old post-Jordan Bulls, I promise you that.
No amount of good players is going to turn us into a championship
contender, that's for sure. We're going to still perenially
underachieve despite being in a weak conference." Old relatives who
haven't talked to the team in years are now coming out of the woodwork
to get reacquainted. Uncle Scottie Pippen gave Paxson a call yesterday
to talk about the good old times, and to tell him about his gambling
and heroin addictions he could use some monetary help with.
The
Chicago players are also ecstatic to get the chance to play with some
of the outstanding college talent. "I hear they have some of the best
players in the world in the college system," said Kirk Hinrich. "It's
going to be an honor to share the floor with some of them. Hopefully
they can show us a thing or two about how this game is played at the
highest levels."
Paul
Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce
that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative
differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular
season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only
9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more
of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and
Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two
of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully
continue buying Big Three merchandise.
"We are still going to
have the same look and feel as the old Big Three," said Pierce. "I have
agreed to pick up the points that were previously being scored by Ray,
and as you can see from last night that's going pretty well. He just
wasn't contributing to the vision we had in our heads for The Big
Three. We envisioned him giving us the same 17 per game he always had,
but he insisted on doing something artsy in the single digits. He said
we just didn't get what he was trying to do with his game, and we'll
admit we had no idea."
Allen has vowed to not let this deter
him from his efforts to expand his game beyond what it was. "People are
getting bored with that same old Big Three play they've been watching
for months," said an angry Allen. "I was trying to put something new
out there, something innovative. Maybe there can be a member of the Big
Three who isn't very good, or who turns the ball over repeatedly to
keep the game close. I was doing some experimental stuff out there, and
they just didn't get it. But I have some cool stuff planned for the
next round in my solo debut effort. I'm going to put out some
basketball play that people haven't seen before, maybe a 3.5 point
shot. A lot of people are asking how that's going to happen. Well,
you'll just have to stay tuned to find out."
Interest in a Ray
Allen solo effort has not been very good among fans, with many people
claiming The Big Three will not be able to capture the magic of their
original productions. "I used to be a big fan of The Big Three earlier
in the season," said young fan Jim Lovre. "But now their play just
seems so corporate. I liked it a lot more back when they were all indie
and rebel."
It seemed as if LeBron James had no help during game 7 of
the Eastern Conference semi-finals. This was highly evident during the
rest of the team's 5 minutes nap time in the middle of the 4th quarter.
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
It's
unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the
playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team
will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road
in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach,
this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has
been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took
home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact
reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are
saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to
blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely
different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of
talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team
they lost to earlier in the week.
Despite the poor play of the
Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this
time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA
Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there.
They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I
would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again.
We'll see what happens."
Kevin
Garnett unveils his latest effort in the Vulgar Slam Dunk Contest,
wherein he slams a jam in the basket and then hangs from the rim while
crapping on Anderson Varejao.
Gregg
Popovich has outlined a new gameplan he says will help the San Antonio
Spurs take the lead in their series with the Hornets as it heads back
to New Orleans tonight. That innovative gameplan is to actually try on
the road, something no team has really done during the second round so
far. He came up with the plan after many sleepless nights of studying
classic basketball strategy books and reviewing game footage.
It's
unknown how this will play out in the game tonight, but other coaches
around the league are skeptical. "He wants to actually give 100% on the
road?" said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "This is basketball we're
playing here, not crazyball. If he wants to embarrass himself and his
team by trying something like that, go ahead. We're not going to look
silly on TV by actually trying and then losing a game to a lesser team
without any excuses. We're going to claim the home crowd fires us up
and makes us play on another level, and let Lebron do whatever he wants
in Cleveland in the meantime. We're going to ride that excuse all the
way into the Finals, the way it should be."
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
The Pistons
scoreboard operator has had an outstanding season manipulating time
itself, and yesterday was another example of just how valuable he is to
this team. There were times during the season when a loss seemed
absolutely certain, only to have the scoreboard operator put this team
on his back and say "Hey, this game isn't over until I say it is. You
now have 5 more minutes on that clock. Let's go get it done." Speeches
like this helped to motivate the team to come out and beat their
confused foes, who had often already begun leaving the court thinking
they had won. Many pundits thought his outstanding play, and selection
of motivational jumbotron messages such as "D-Fence!", "Let's Go
Pistons", and "D-Fence!!!" were perfect this year and worthy of the MVP.
"I
feel he got robbed," said the Orlando Magic scoreboard operator, who
has been unable to shut down his opponent in the first 2 games. "He's a
miestro with the numbers. There is no one else in the sport who can do
what he does to cheat other teams out of victories. I look forward to
facing him in the rest of this series, hopefully I don't get completely
blown away."
It
was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head
coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks,
Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach
for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We
are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats
representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o####reat coach is more than
we've ever had here before. Apparently he will rotate which games and
practices he goes to every day. The rest of the time the players will
just be able to hang out, and even call whatever plays they want in the
games. It's going to be different, but I think they're going to really
like the freedom they have out there."
The Miami Heat's Pat Riley
was not as upbeat about the announcement. "When we first entered into
negotiations for Brown we were not aware of this time-sharing thing. As
I understood it, we would get actually 1/4 of his body. I was hoping to
be able to get his head and maybe his right arm. That was he can still
think, talk, and maybe point at the ref and yell occasionally. That's
all you really need, and I thought the rest of us had worked over the
Bobcats pretty good and just stuck them with Larry Brown's feet. This
sucks, that's all I can really say."
Brown had a much more
ominous message during his press conference, in which he came out
dressed in a black cloak. He stepped up to the podium where he pulled
back his hood and lifted a red goblet from it. "12 teams down, 18 to
go," muttered Brown. "Then, I win the game. Then, I rule the
nether-verse. You foolish mortals are falling into my trap perfectly."
He then took a sip from the glass and walked away without answering a
single question. Larry Brown, always the showman.
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Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Paul
Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce
that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative
differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular
season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only
9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more
of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and
Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two
of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully
continue buying Big Three merchandise.
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
Gregg
Popovich has outlined a new gameplan he says will help the San Antonio
Spurs take the lead in their series with the Hornets as it heads back
to New Orleans tonight. That innovative gameplan is to actually try on
the road, something no team has really done during the second round so
far. He came up with the plan after many sleepless nights of studying
classic basketball strategy books and reviewing game footage.
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
It
was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head
coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks,
Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach
for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We
are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats
representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o
