Paul Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines, dissolving all his skin and internal organs.

Perkins said “Oops, my bad.” But the damage had been done, and the game was suspended for several minutes as the remains of Pierce were removed from the vat and the blood was washed off the court. The crowd then had to wait as a judge was called in for an impromptu hearing wherein Perkins was found guilty of three counts of “2nd Degree Harcore Ballin” and taken off to jail. Down two players, it seemed all was lost for the Celtics in their first Finals visit in two decades.

But in dramatic fashion, the skeleton of Pierce emerged from the locker room with about five minutes left in the third quarter as the Boston crowd went wild. This is only the third time in NBA Finals history a player has come back from the dead during a game. “Well, luckily back in the locker room we have a well-trained staff of King’s horses and King’s men, and they were able to put Paul Pierce together again,” said GM Danny Ainge.

Pierce proceeded to unload 11 more points on the Lakers after his return, showing a quickness that could only be attributed to the electricity in the building, or his lack of skin and vital organs. “I knew I had to come back from the dead in order for our team to have a shot at this thing,” said an exhausted Pierce after the game. “I got up to Heaven and I was about to go in those golden gates. But then I thought, this team needs me, this city needs a championship, Boston has had so few of them recently. So I told God “All ballers don’t go to heaven, I gotta bounce”. Then I dribble criss-crossed around God’s royal guards that tried to stop me from leaving and got back into my body and onto the court.”

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The NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and makes the NHL popular again."

Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant, the stars of the series say their decision to leave was based primarily on money. "We've really enjoyed all the time we've had here in the NBA," said Garnett. "All those fun game 7's we gave them. But, now after all that we just want to get paid like we deserve. We were hoping for a big payday from the league for their finals, but they told us that apparently we already have contracts and won't be getting any more money! I don't know what kind of #### that is, but we can do better elsewhere."

The series announcers will be from the NHL, and they are still growing accustomed to the change in sport. They started reviewing NBA playoff tapes in preparation for their commentary and were shocked at just how filthy some of the players were. "You couldn't even see some of their faces they were so dirty," said one announcer. "But I'm told those are merely what are called 'Black People'. We certainly don't have those where I'm from. But wow, this sport is certainly exciting. I never knew something could have this much fun scoring and a sensible even number of periods. I'm really liking it, and I think the fans will too."

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Yet another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.

It's unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach, this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team they lost to earlier in the week.

Despite the poor play of the Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there. They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again. We'll see what happens."

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