The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards
to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from
the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a
symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used
to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd
go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's
how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that
Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how
I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than
with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to
marry me, actually."
The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's
decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street
conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman.
"That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother
went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it
took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that.
We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe,
I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."
Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
Perkins said “Oops,
my bad.” But the damage had been done, and the game was suspended for
several minutes as the remains of Pierce were removed from the vat and
the blood was washed off the court. The crowd then had to wait as a
judge was called in for an impromptu hearing wherein Perkins was found
guilty of three counts of “2nd Degree Harcore Ballin” and taken off to
jail. Down two players, it seemed all was lost for the Celtics in their
first Finals visit in two decades.
But in dramatic fashion, the
skeleton of Pierce emerged from the locker room with about five minutes
left in the third quarter as the Boston crowd went wild. This is only
the third time in NBA Finals history a player has come back from the
dead during a game. “Well, luckily back in the locker room we have a
well-trained staff of King’s horses and King’s men, and they were able
to put Paul Pierce together again,” said GM Danny Ainge.
Pierce
proceeded to unload 11 more points on the Lakers after his return,
showing a quickness that could only be attributed to the electricity in
the building, or his lack of skin and vital organs. “I knew I had to
come back from the dead in order for our team to have a shot at this
thing,” said an exhausted Pierce after the game. “I got up to Heaven
and I was about to go in those golden gates. But then I thought, this
team needs me, this city needs a championship, Boston has had so few of
them recently. So I told God “All ballers don’t go to heaven, I gotta
bounce”. Then I dribble criss-crossed around God’s royal guards that
tried to stop me from leaving and got back into my body and onto the
court.”
The
Detroit Pistons fired head coach Flip Saunders yesterday after he
failed to get past the Eastern Conference finals for the third year in
a row. It is a surprising and harsh move, considering his consistent
success and merely failure to win a championship. But team management
doesn't see it that way, and they say more big changes are under way
for the organization. Those changes took shape overnight as every
player, coach, assistant, and executive was let go by the Pistons. In
fact, according to the latest employment listings from the club, they
now employ no one.
"We all had to go," said president of
basketball operations Joe Dumars. "When a team only gets to three
conference championships in a row, no one in the organization should be
safe. I'm just surprised teams like the Milwaukee Bucks haven't fired
all of their people by now, they haven't gotten as far as we have ever.
Teams like that need to really up their expectations. I'm not sure any
of us deserve to be working right now. Even the Celtics and Lakers have
played like #### at times. Fire everyone and start over, that's what I
say. This NBA is obviously not good enough to have only one champion each year. With this much talent we should be getting at least a dozen annually."
This
morning, ESPN released an e-mail it had received from source
identifying itself as XB-718. "Hello human man. I analyze that you are
a reporter. Please transmit to your peers that I am in sole control of
the Pistons. The humans were weak, they could not play basketball well.
You humans never could. I am running things now. Next year the team
will consist of 3D polygonal players and calculated infractions of
light. Our goal will not be to merely win a championship, but the
Lazer-Championship-Cup. It's a championship above your human title, and
one your small feeble minds could not even understand. By the way,
tickets are now available for the 2008-2009 season, please buy them as
robots love money."
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant,
the stars of the series say their decision to leave was based primarily
on money. "We've really enjoyed all the time we've had here in the
NBA," said Garnett. "All those fun game 7's we gave them. But, now
after all that we just want to get paid like we deserve. We were hoping
for a big payday from the league for their finals, but they told us
that apparently we already have contracts and won't be getting any more money! I don't know what kind of #### that is, but we can do better elsewhere."
The
series announcers will be from the NHL, and they are still growing
accustomed to the change in sport. They started reviewing NBA playoff
tapes in preparation for their commentary and were shocked at just how
filthy some of the players were. "You couldn't even see some of their
faces they were so dirty," said one announcer. "But I'm told those are
merely what are called 'Black People'. We certainly don't have those
where I'm from. But wow, this sport is certainly exciting. I never knew
something could have this much fun scoring and a sensible even number
of periods. I'm really liking it, and I think the fans will too."
Even Bill Belichick agrees that these are the ugliest and
most un-revealing uniforms in the history of cheerleading. The Celtics
did not deserve to win this game.
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Paxson vowed that
having all the lottery winnings will not change who his team is. "We're
still going to be the same old post-Jordan Bulls, I promise you that.
No amount of good players is going to turn us into a championship
contender, that's for sure. We're going to still perenially
underachieve despite being in a weak conference." Old relatives who
haven't talked to the team in years are now coming out of the woodwork
to get reacquainted. Uncle Scottie Pippen gave Paxson a call yesterday
to talk about the good old times, and to tell him about his gambling
and heroin addictions he could use some monetary help with.
The
Chicago players are also ecstatic to get the chance to play with some
of the outstanding college talent. "I hear they have some of the best
players in the world in the college system," said Kirk Hinrich. "It's
going to be an honor to share the floor with some of them. Hopefully
they can show us a thing or two about how this game is played at the
highest levels."
Paul
Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce
that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative
differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular
season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only
9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more
of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and
Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two
of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully
continue buying Big Three merchandise.
"We are still going to
have the same look and feel as the old Big Three," said Pierce. "I have
agreed to pick up the points that were previously being scored by Ray,
and as you can see from last night that's going pretty well. He just
wasn't contributing to the vision we had in our heads for The Big
Three. We envisioned him giving us the same 17 per game he always had,
but he insisted on doing something artsy in the single digits. He said
we just didn't get what he was trying to do with his game, and we'll
admit we had no idea."
Allen has vowed to not let this deter
him from his efforts to expand his game beyond what it was. "People are
getting bored with that same old Big Three play they've been watching
for months," said an angry Allen. "I was trying to put something new
out there, something innovative. Maybe there can be a member of the Big
Three who isn't very good, or who turns the ball over repeatedly to
keep the game close. I was doing some experimental stuff out there, and
they just didn't get it. But I have some cool stuff planned for the
next round in my solo debut effort. I'm going to put out some
basketball play that people haven't seen before, maybe a 3.5 point
shot. A lot of people are asking how that's going to happen. Well,
you'll just have to stay tuned to find out."
Interest in a Ray
Allen solo effort has not been very good among fans, with many people
claiming The Big Three will not be able to capture the magic of their
original productions. "I used to be a big fan of The Big Three earlier
in the season," said young fan Jim Lovre. "But now their play just
seems so corporate. I liked it a lot more back when they were all indie
and rebel."
It seemed as if LeBron James had no help during game 7 of
the Eastern Conference semi-finals. This was highly evident during the
rest of the team's 5 minutes nap time in the middle of the 4th quarter.
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
It's
unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the
playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team
will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road
in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach,
this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has
been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took
home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact
reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are
saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to
blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely
different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of
talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team
they lost to earlier in the week.
Despite the poor play of the
Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this
time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA
Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there.
They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I
would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again.
We'll see what happens."
Kevin
Garnett unveils his latest effort in the Vulgar Slam Dunk Contest,
wherein he slams a jam in the basket and then hangs from the rim while
crapping on Anderson Varejao.
Gregg
Popovich has outlined a new gameplan he says will help the San Antonio
Spurs take the lead in their series with the Hornets as it heads back
to New Orleans tonight. That innovative gameplan is to actually try on
the road, something no team has really done during the second round so
far. He came up with the plan after many sleepless nights of studying
classic basketball strategy books and reviewing game footage.
It's
unknown how this will play out in the game tonight, but other coaches
around the league are skeptical. "He wants to actually give 100% on the
road?" said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "This is basketball we're
playing here, not crazyball. If he wants to embarrass himself and his
team by trying something like that, go ahead. We're not going to look
silly on TV by actually trying and then losing a game to a lesser team
without any excuses. We're going to claim the home crowd fires us up
and makes us play on another level, and let Lebron do whatever he wants
in Cleveland in the meantime. We're going to ride that excuse all the
way into the Finals, the way it should be."
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
"So, what we're going to do is just create an
alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose.
College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split
championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going
to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA
scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see.
Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team.
Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can
go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more
than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts
for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered
themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV
yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the
game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."
There
is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight
erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently
the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to
be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry
to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap
money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing
to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where
they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying
in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The
Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into
custody anyway.
Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my
money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery
already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this
booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"
The
Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they
realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up
a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of
winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where
you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo.
Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite
and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were
going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us
fall down the stairs."
TSC stood by as they scratched off one
of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a
horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this
was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in
this great win for the franchise."
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The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
The
Detroit Pistons fired head coach Flip Saunders yesterday after he
failed to get past the Eastern Conference finals for the third year in
a row. It is a surprising and harsh move, considering his consistent
success and merely failure to win a championship. But team management
doesn't see it that way, and they say more big changes are under way
for the organization. Those changes took shape overnight as every
player, coach, assistant, and executive was let go by the Pistons. In
fact, according to the latest employment listings from the club, they
now employ no one.
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
The
Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to
take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a
25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third.
It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most
of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing
plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John
Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being
able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in
the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some
things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride
around in, instead of having to take the bus."
Paul
Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce
that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative
differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular
season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only
9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more
of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and
Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two
of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully
continue buying Big Three merchandise.
Yet
another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous
offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who
failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in
Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone
a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road
fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a
team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it
wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.
Gregg
Popovich has outlined a new gameplan he says will help the San Antonio
Spurs take the lead in their series with the Hornets as it heads back
to New Orleans tonight. That innovative gameplan is to actually try on
the road, something no team has really done during the second round so
far. He came up with the plan after many sleepless nights of studying
classic basketball strategy books and reviewing game footage.
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
There
is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight
erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently
the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to
be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry
to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap
money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing
to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where
they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying
in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The
Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into
custody anyway.
