The sordid details of Roger Clemens personal life continue to trickle out of the woodwork as the former favorite baseball son is dragged through the mud by newspapers and other media. First it was the Mitchell Report, then the McNamee lawsuit, and now the Mindy McCready story. It seems as if the star pitcher can not get anything by the people on his tail. We attempt to round up all the latest allegations that have emerged this week you may not have heard about in our Clemens Scandal Recap:

• Affair With Fetus- It was reported by Extra last night that Clemens had a 9-month relationship with a fetus back in the early 80's. Roger denies that there was anything sexual about the relationship, as that would be logistically impossible. He says he and the fetus used to just hang out and watch movies, sometimes they would talk through a sonogram machine, but they were just friends. The fetus, now the son of Clemens, says that he can not dispute any of the allegations in the report. His wife claims to have no knowledge of the affair. "It was happening literally right under my nose, and I can't believe it."
• Magic Muscle Growth Potion: It has shown up on several blogs that a childhood friend of Clemens once went halfsies with him on some Magic Muscle Growth Potion from the back of a comic book, along with a pair of x-ray glasses. The potion promised to give you "Super Muscles Strong" by putting a drop per day on your biceps. No doubt this is where Clemens first discovered doping.
• Clemens Adds "Misremember" Wikipedia Entry: An IP address that has been linked to Clemens shows that over the past several months he has been maintaining an entry on wikipedia for the word "Misremember". He has ofted cited the site as a source when doing interviews as proof that the word is real. The entry states the word means "a statement showing that Brian McNamee is a #### #### liar pants." His account has also been linked to changes to several Lord Of The Rings entries to correct continuity changes between the books and films.
• Was At Canseco's 4th Grade Birthday Party: Jose Canseco alledges in his new book that Clemens attended his 4th grade birthday party, held at a Chucky Cheese in Houston, Texas. Canseco states that at the party, he discussed anabolic steroids in great detail with Clemens, and also which teachers at school had the nicest boobies. It's unknown at this time if Clemens had a piece of the chocolate/steroids ice cream cake, Canseco's favorite flavor.
  

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"We are now down to 49 states", announced President George Bush this morning in a speech from the Oval Office. "Apparently, over the last few weeks a new Mongolian army has sprung up in southern Canada, and they have invaded and captured the state of Montana. Somehow, Congress missed the warning signs of this happening, due to concentrating all efforts on a dual-front investigation of Roger Clemens and Spygate. This has left no time for surveillance, foreign intelligence, or defense. We are now at war with the Mongols, and there may be nothing we can do about it."

The Mongolian army was able to successfully sack Montana in about 24-hours, riding upon horses into the state capital early this morning. Despite wielding only spears and clubs, they were able to defeat the national guard of Montana due to them not being stocked with any firearms. "We were told the army's defense budget was being reallocated to sports investigations," said Lieutenant Gary Boone from the neighboring Idaho National Guard. "We have so many investigations going, and they're looking to open up a few more. I've heard whispers of the government looking into jai-alai fixing, MMA weigh-in cheating, and illegal boat construction in sailboat racing. It's a bad time to be involved with sports. Oh, and also if you live in Montana. I hear they are eating the brains of their conquered slaves right now. That's also a bad time."

The government heard about this takeover early today, but said they have more pressing issues to deal with before they can think of mounting a counter-offensive. "One of the titans of baseball could have taken steroids," said Representative Gary Waxman. "We need to hold some more non-trials to talk about this without any resolution or reprocussions. We have a lot of congressmen here who want to scold people on public television, and they need to be heard. What ever came out of Montana anyway? Trees? Trees are not America's pasttime, sports are. What makes the oxygen we breathe? Sports, and that's a scientifically proven fact. This is where our priorities are right now."

When asked what would be done about the people already under Mongolian slaveship, Waxman said, "What were they doing living way out there anyway? There are no sports teams in Montana. I talked to the Montana senators about putting a warning on the welcome sign about Mongol invasion, but they didn't listen. It's very sad, but they brought this on themselves."

The Mongols have made some demands to the government in exchange for not annexing any further territory. They want 500 pounds of raw meat, 1000 naked unshaven women, and an X-Box 360. They like Halo 3 quite a bit.

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Since being named in the Mitchell Report investigation on steroids, Roger Clemens has been on a crusade to clear his name from the books. The latest effort in doing so is his new RogerClemensReport.com, which is an extremely raunchy and not safe for work site featuring a 49-page document of statistics information and graphs. Apparently Clemens is attempting to tap into the new and extremely lucrative market of numbers p*rnography.

The inventor of the new p*rn, Stick Biggun, applauded Clemens and his new site. "Well, it's definitely a big market out there for numbers p*rnography, and we're glad to have a big player like Roger Clemens involved. I got the idea for the p*rn when I was looking at a calculator one day and I started thinking, what if the 7 decided to have sex with the 4? Could there be anything hotter than that? What if they were doing it on a pie chart? Yeah, the possibilities are endless, and endlessly sexy. I can't even use a keyboard anymore without getting aroused. I have to remove all the number keys."

"I really like where his site is going, it's doing a lot of innovative things. He's got some basic flow charts and Venn Diagrams, which are really the bread and butter of numbers p*rn. But then he has some crazy features like Chart 31, comparing his career numbers to Randy Johnson's. Having two men's numbers all mixed up like that in a bar graph is really taboo, even for us. But he seems to be getting a lot of hits on there, so maybe there is a market for that too. I've actually been contacted about a Britney Spears tape that is floating around where she is balancing her checkbook and doing her taxes. Some of my users are very interested in that sort of numbers p*rn, the homemade stuff is so raw, so real."

Check out RogerClemensReport.com for more on his new business. Please do a search for one of Stick's many numbers p*rn sites like "Dirty Numeric Teachers" and "Number Org*es Unleashed".

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Jose Canseco is set to release his new book "The Vindicator", a follow-up to his 2005 tell-all where he outed many members of the baseball elite for steroid use. In his new book, which is also based on real life observations, Canseco chronicles the adventures he has had after retirement fighting the U.S. Government. The government, alleges Canseco, has been putting steroids into drinking water for years and now everyone is on them.

The book talks about his battle, as a scrawny brilliant scientist, to find a cure to steroids and defeat the entire population of earth. He describes the evil Roger Clemens, ringleader of the government's genetically enhanced army, and how he has replaced half his body with robotic parts and can now transform into a mechanical T-Rex. In a daring duel, Canseco must battle the Robot T-Rex Clemens in a helicopter above the streets of Miami to find a cure to steroids once and for all.

Canseco says all of the events of the book are true to life. Even the revelation that the government is controlled by aliens called Steroidians who have a complicated plan for world domination. The book ends by revealing some parts of their plan:

1. Inflate baseballs power numbers by injecting steroids into the human population.
2. Unknown
3. Rule the world.

Step 2 is obviously essential, as step 1 relates in no way to world domination. That step will be released in another book to come out some time in 2010.

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After an intense day of congressional hearings aired live on ESPN News about the steroids trial, many sports fans are now switching over to C-SPAN full time. "Sports just can't cut it anymore," said Gary Yup, a frequent ESPN viewer from Atlanta. "The show that was on yesterday was simply awesome. When they all read their prepared speeches for two hours, in hopes of getting face time with the voters, I was on the edge of my seat. I knew it was about to get thrown down. When Senator Bob Perkins cited the Bardoza Postulate as a prime model for all athletics testing, I jumped out of my chair and yelled "Dat's what I'm talkin' bout! It was a great game of House Oversight Committee. I can't wait to see who they play next, I hope it's Senate Ways & Means. That team needs to go down hard."

Since so many people are now watching C-SPAN, they have had to expand their offering from merely C-SPAN 1 & 2. They now offer C-SPAN Deportes, focusing on Mexican city council meetings, C-SPAN U, with college political clubs, and C-SPAN Classic, where you can relive all your favorite congressional meetings from the past. C-SPAN: The Magazine is also seeing an increase in readership that has prompted them to release a special swimsuit edition featuring supermodel Giselle posing in a thong on an oval office desk and spreads all the hottest female Senators.

Even their formerly failing expansion The C-SPAN Zone, a full-service restaurant and bar in Times Square, is now seeing increased visitors. They feature dishes such as Senator Frank Charleston's Rockin' Roast Beef and Baby Back Ribs Of Habeus Corpus. Super Bowl ratings are likely to suffer mightily this year if C-SPAN airs something good like a vote on campaign finance reform at the same time.

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In an unprecedented event, unseen outside the confines of a frat house or a Bud Light commercial, Roger Clemens has filed a "Dude..." suit against his former trainer. Dude Suits are the oldest form of legal accusation, predating even speech and society. In prehistoric times, when a caveman would hit another man's woman with his own club it would illicit a claim of Dude, then pronounced "Ugh...". The proceeding would then go to cave court, where the elder with the longest beard would rule whether or not there was a violation of men's unspoken rules.

Clemens is alleging just this in his Dude Suit, that former trainer Brian McNamee violated his man-trust in revealing to Senator George Mitchell the details he did. They will be tried in the court of John Wayne, being presided over by the honorable Tom Selleck, the manliest of men. Unlike normal courtrooms, but no unlike Judge Joe Brown, there are no lawyers, merely the plaintiff and the defendant. The plaintiff will usually issue the accusation from a written statement, something like "Dude...". To which the judge will ask the defendant "What the hell?" The defendant will have a chance to make his case, I presume he'll use the time honored "Man..." defense. After that the judge will most likely reply "what the ####?" and at that point witnesses will be called.

I believe Clemens has a real strong case here, as the information revealed was about McNamee shooting up Clemens in the buttocks before a game. One of the chief man laws that everyone knows states: "When two men are alone, and one of their pants is off, that incident can never be talked about to anyone, ever. It was probably just the alcohol. Seriously, you are straight. Go watch an Angelina Jolie movie before you think about this further. That time in camp was just an experimental phase. Remember ####? You love those things."

As you can see there, Clemens has a very real and credible case here.

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Roger Clemens is disputing the claim that former trainer Brian McNamee injected him with steroids and human growth hormone, in a 60 Minutes interview set to air Sunday on CBS. "It was nothing illegal he put into my body, it was simply an injection of sugar, ####e, and everything nice. As that's what little boys are made of, and being 45, I had started to run out. You can't get mid 90's heat on a fastball when you're out of ####e. Every doctor knows that."

"Quite frankly, I'm aghast at all that's being levied against me in this Mitchell Report. It claims I go out after road games to strip clubs and receive lap dances from strippers in the back room? Those are fairy clubs where innocent fairies fly around, fully clothed, and perform magic acts. Yes, I've let a few of them sprinkle some fairy dust on me, but never has there been a lap dance of any sort."

"Then Mr. Mitchell claims I have a well-known reputation for entertaining hookers and prostitutes back in my hotel room? That is true, but it's not for the reason his incriminating paper implies. I take them out of their desolate environment and pay them, well, to play board games such as Candyland with me. Why can't a #### have a little fun every once in awhile? I'm trying to better their lives. I remember this one time a girl Laquisterine and I got trapped in the Lolly Forest by Lord Licorice. It was so much fun!"

Obviously the constant injections of everything nice have had some effect on the brain of Clemens. The full interview will be available this Sunday on 60 Minutes.

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By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

On the day former Senator George Mitchell publicly released his report on the extent of steroid use in Major League Baseball, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig held a press conference to address Mitchell’s findings and to answer his critics about his ability to create an effective policy going forward:

“I know you’re all anxious to hear my thoughts on Mr. Mitchell’s findings. In an effort to be completely forthright, I need to tell you that I have not exactly read the entire report...completely...in its entirety...at all, just yet. But, I totally plan on getting to it as soon as I can. See, I knew the report was being delivered to my office sometime Tuesday afternoon and I had planned on getting the whole thing read that night. But then some people from the office talked me into going out for a few drinks just to take the edge off. So I went out, and a few drinks led to a few more and before I knew it, it was Wednesday morning and I was waking up with one hell of a hangover and a mean case of the runs.

Even though I felt like death, I managed to drag myself into the office after lunch, knowing that I still had most of the day to knock it out before I had to issue any comments. But when I pulled the report out, I saw the damn thing was over 400 pages long, and only a few of the pages had any pictures. I started reading, but I was having a hard time focusing due to my pounding headache and the fact that the report isn’t exactly what I would call a riveting page-turner. Anyway, by 5 p.m. on Wednesday it was clear that it was going to be hard to get the whole thing read, so I sent my assistant down to the book store on the corner to see if they had any cliff's notes on it or even if there was a movie out yet.. When she came back empty-handed, I knew I was in deep #### ####, but thought I could still be okay if I just pulled an all-nighter and came straight to the press conference.

Well, I made it here, but unfortunately the all-nighter didn’t happen. The guys down the hall from me were holding a Madden NFL ‘07 tournament on Wii and since I kick major butt at that game, I had to get in. Long story short, I won the tournament, but I just didn’t get to the report. I’m really sorry that I haven’t personally read it. I wanted to read it, and I definitely plan on getting around to it very soon. I hope this doesn’t change your opinion of me and my ability to handle these steroid issues. I will certainly act on this report, as soon I read it. Which I plan to get to as soon as I am done reading the final Harry Potter novel.”

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The Mitchell Report, an in-depth investigation into baseball's steroids problem, has finally come out and with it the names of those who have taken illegal substances over the years. Most of the major names you have suspected are in there; Bonds, Canseco, Segui. But some are rather surprising reveals such as 177-pound David Eckstein, action star Sylvester Stallone, Bud Selig himself, John F. Kennedy, and even you.

"I don't know what has happened here," said a confused David Eckstein, from the wheelchair he is confined to during the offseason due to being too weak to support his own weight. "I've averaged 2 homers per year. I can barely hit the ball out of the infield. These accusations are ridiculous. If I've taken steroids they must've been the most ineffective ones in history."

The most confusing addition to the list is you, who has never played pro ball, only watched it on TV. It is unknown who outed you, or what Mitchell will do to you. But it's advised that you flee the U.S. to an undeveloped South American country as soon as possible. You were unavailable to be reached for comment.

Below is a transcript from a press conference held by Senator George Mitchell, the man behind the report:

"What we wanted to do was get everyone associated with baseball. This is quite possibly the most in-depth investigation of all time, and our list reflects that in an attempt to completely stop steroids." -Mitchell

"But sir, why is Sly Stallone on the list, he has never even played baseball." -Reporter

"Sure he did, in that movie where the wacky, offbeat, underdog team conquers adversity and learns to play together to beat the bigger meaner team at the end in a close game that comes down to the last play." -Mitchell

"Major League?" -Reporter

"Yeah, that's the one!" -Mitchell

"I think that's the black guy from the show '24' actually." -Reporter

"You're asking a lot of questions. You sound like you might be a communist...I mean steroids abuser too. Bud Selig questioned my list when I first gave it to him, and it just so turns out that he has been injecting himself with HGH to improve his power numbers at the winter meetings. You don't want to share the same fate, do you?" -Mitchell

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