The
Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season
yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited
the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the
Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they
lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be
a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber
talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically
in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and
we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up
to expectations."
Many around the country consider this an
anti-climactic end to their season that culminated in an exciting race
with the Mets for the wild card. But, those in Wisconsin say it was an
adequate conclusion. "We knew how long they have been working to put
together this team of slightly better than mediocre talent," said
longtime fan Ben Williams. "And we know that they aren't going to be
able to afford this massive $60 million payroll. We are almost up to
1/4 of the Yankees! This was a one year shot to make sort of impressive
run, and we sure did just that. Now, it's time to blow it up and start
building it again for the next quarter century. Man, I love baseball."
TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website
and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing
what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to
attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and
research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the
NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the
TSC Keys To Victory:
Philadelphia Phillies: The
Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of
failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire
than that, they have one of the ####est looking mascots in all of
sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel
uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots
bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the
Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the
foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.
Los Angeles Dodgers:
They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets
more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the
bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand
his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as
possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and
lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the
beast, and be able to take home a World Series.
Chicago Cubs:
The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to
bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot
to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a
century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy
tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets
online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite
their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other
team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off
your shoulders.
Milwaukee Brewers: They
have always been one of the most professional and respected
organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy
sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog,
bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But
starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or
Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the
competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values.
There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we
got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo
crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to
see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and
Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.
The
entire Milwaukee Brewers team and management was seen outside the
Fenway Park ticket window this morning waiting in line. But unlike the
fans in attendance they were not there to buy tickets, but to try and
return Eric Gagne. The closer, whom they acquired from the Red Sox over
the summer, gave up 3 runs in the bottom of the ninth inning and looked
like he lacked control at times.
"What we want is simple," said
GM Doug Melvin. "We want the Red Sox to give us a refund for this
obviously defective Eric Gagne we purchased from them only a few months
ago. We have the receipt here, and I've put him back in his original
packaging. He complained a little about the packing peanuts making it
hard for him to breath, but I just told him to shut up and take the
smothering like a man. It's obviously a problem with their product, and
I'm surprised the Red Sox haven't issued a recall on him yet when they
realized he is just not a good pitcher."
But the Red Sox were not
taking back their 8th inning headache of last year so easily. "It
clearly states on the receipt that DVDs, food items, and Gagnes can not
be returned to Fenway Park after they have been opened. He is obviously
open, as we all watched him pitch yesterday. If the Brewers really want
a refund, they are going to have to file a warranty claim with the
original manufacturers, his parents."
Even Gagne's parents say
the warranty period for Eric Gagne has already passed. "We tricked the
Dodgers into making him their closer all those year ago, knowing full
well he would not hold up to the rigors of major league baseball. Sure
enough he broke down, but not before he was able to make many millions
of dollars and send it back to us. There is only a 5-year manufacturer
warranty on this model of Gagne, but if they would like we can give
them a discount on a new one. Simply pay us half his 2008 salary, and
give us a motel room, or hell even a bathroom stall, and we'll have
another one ready for you in 18 years of so."
The Brewers say they will not take this struggle lying down, and may file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.
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The
Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season
yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited
the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the
Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they
lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be
a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber
talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically
in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and
we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up
to expectations."
Philadelphia Phillies: The
Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of
failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire
than that, they have one of the 
Los Angeles Dodgers:
They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets
more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the
bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand
his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as
possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and
lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the
beast, and be able to take home a World Series.
Chicago Cubs:
The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to
bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot
to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a
century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy
tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets
online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite
their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other
team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off
your shoulders.
Milwaukee Brewers: They
have always been one of the most professional and respected
organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy
sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog,
bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But
starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or
Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the
competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values.
There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we
got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo
crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to
see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and
Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.
The
entire Milwaukee Brewers team and management was seen outside the
Fenway Park ticket window this morning waiting in line. But unlike the
fans in attendance they were not there to buy tickets, but to try and
return Eric Gagne. The closer, whom they acquired from the Red Sox over
the summer, gave up 3 runs in the bottom of the ninth inning and looked
like he lacked control at times.
